it's only 238 pm, and already it's been a looooong day.
pratt didn't do so well at mdo today. it started off with him crying when i left. no, wait...it started off with him begging me not to drop him off. he knew as soon as we turned on olive where we were going. about a mile from the church. and then it got worse. he told me he didn't want to go in the classroom...and he cried when i left. stacy told me it was only for a second and that he was fine within a few minutes. but still, the guilt associated with leaving your child when he's screaming your name is horrible and painful and something i never ever ever want to feel.
when i picked him up i was so glad not to see an incident report in his bag. none the less, i was given one when i got to the door. he apparently scratched a little girl on her face. made her bleed. yes. bleed. yes. horrible, horrible.
he was trying to hit her, and got her with his nails. the report went on to say that he had hit multiple other kids today. and that he was "feisty". as i stood there trying to sign my name i felt my eyes well up with tears. and at that point, i just wanted to get out of there. so i didn't cry in front of God (literally) and everyone else.
as i was putting his shoes on him, i asked if he had hit someone. he said yes. and got really quiet. he totally knows he did something wrong. i'm just not sure how to keep it from happening.
being a parent is the hardest job i have ever....OR WILL EVER...have. hands down. he's with me all the time. and so when he does something like this, i cannot help but blame myself. i feel like i have failed him. i would do anything to keep from hurting someone else. and so this stage he's going through kills me. because it's hard to see your child intentionally hurting someone else.
more than anything else, it makes me believe in God. and cry out to Him. because we are not born good. and pure. we can't be. that's something that is learned.
as i drove home, crying...pratt was really quiet in the back. he knows he's done something wrong. and i guess that's good. he should know.
i keep thinking of this quote by khalil gibran.
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
the "they come through you but not from you" makes me feel a little better. i'm reminded that i can't...or maybe i shouldn't take credit for what pratt does well. just like i don't want to take responsibility for what he does wrong.
i just pray that this is a stage. it has to be. because i can't do this much longer. something has to give....surely.
4 comments:
I'm friends with Todd and Jenny and that's how I saw your blog. Bless your heart. I can't say I know exactly how you feel yet, but I probably will soon. I have a 2 year old little boy too. He has his own "issues," and not being able to control or "fix" them is hard on a good day and completely demoralizing on a "long" day. I hope the rest of your week is more encouraging. Hang in there, even if you can't "fix" him, your commitment and love for him are not inconsequential. =)
Hannah - it's like our days are completely parallel to one another...Ben is usually having the exact same day as Pratt.
However - and we don't know how it happened - Ben just all of a sudden stopped hitting and pushing. I credit his MDO teacher for making sure he brings his "gentle hands" each Tuesday and Thursday morning. And with the end of that phase, at least where Ben is concerned, seems to have begun the phase of BEING hit, bitten and pushed. Which brings out a whole new level of defensiveness and hyper-vigilance.
All I can say are the following uber-eloquent phrases:
Godspeed...
and Serenity Now.
On Tuesday, I told Liz and Karen at Jolly Time that I couldn't deal with having Carter cry because he didn't want to go. I even told Larry I wanted to take him out and never make him go again.
BUT when I picked him up on Tuesday, I asked if he had fun, and he said "yes". So I just dunno. Four kids hasn't made me any wiser. My mom says he cries because he knows when I'm not with him, I might be doing something for myself. And that kids are little narcissists. That it's not that they are sad, it's that they don't want us to be happy without them. But I dunno. Maybe that's true; maybe not.
I just wanted you to know that I understand. Completely.
Always remember what someone told me years ago "raising kids is like eating at a smorgasbord, you put it all out there and they take what they choose, if they turn out good it's not to your credit and if bad it's nor your fault"
you know you are doing your best.
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