jammin'

this is what i found between pratt's toes last week.

you decide if i should be reported to dhs.

and to answer your question...yes. it's toe jam.

and yes, i gave him a bath five seconds after i discovered it.

finally...yep. it was between other toes too. i won't name which one(s).

new tricks. courtesy of pratt.

today he full out laughed. he was up against me, craddled. i was rocking him to sleep. he was in that trance state...where his right eye is almost opened, left eye closed. and he was doing that smile thing. the one "they" say is gas. whatever. it's not gas.

anyway, he was smiling like that. then all of a sudden, he did a full face smile and just laughed. like a belly laugh. a giggle. it was great!

he's started looking at us and smiling. i noticed it last thursday. october 23rd. i heard him sort of moving around, ready to get up. and so i went and got him before he could get upset. watched him wake up and then was changing his diaper. he looked at me and i was talking to him and he smiled. heavenly. absolutely heavenly.

i decided then that i wouldn't be upset about getting up (and staying up) at all hours of the night. i finally feel like he actually knows who i am. a great, great feeling.

he could, if we let him, climb a mountain on his belly. no legs or arms. just his torso. he is such a squirmer. he is a scooter.

he has learned to shake his head, "no". this isn't actually for him saying the word...more like what he does if you try to put the pacifier in his mouth and he doesn't want it in there. he'll shake his head back and forth so you can't keep it still. hilarious. unless it's 4:30 am, and you've been trying to get him to fall asleep for an hour and a half.

this is getting pretty fun. it's crazy to see him change so much in only a few short weeks.

i've decided that i don't care how much i spoil him by holding him. everyone keeps telling me that too soon, he'll be so big and won't want to be held. so i'm soaking it up now. i love that he wants to be held. i love that he is comfortable there. it makes sense to me.

as a kid, i loved being right up next to my dad. i'd go in their room right before bedtime and ask him to clean out my ears. i know this makes no sense...but he was good at it. and so i'd get a q-tip, crawl up next to him in bed and lay really still. he'd clean out my ears. and i'd quickly act like i was asleep. my parents had a strict no sleeping in their bed policy. so i always thought that if i faked it...faked being asleep, they'd just say, "oh to heck with it...she's so comfortable here. let's not wake her. just leave her here. she can sleep with us this one night."

it never happened. they always woke me up and made me go back to my room.

there was a period of time when i slept with spencer.

and then now, when i've had a bad day, there is nothing greater than getting right next to clint to fall asleep.

something about being near someone. it's soothing, almost.

so i get why pratt likes being near me. and for now, i love it.

i know there will be times i'll probably regret the holding...but not now. now, he's a baby.

and babies are meant to be held.

the beginning.

i cannot wait until he's old enough to have a mohawk.

yes, there, i said it. a mohawk. and maybe if we're lucky, he'll dye it pink or orange or something as cool as that.

and then maybe he'll play in a band. be the drummer. because clint says they are always the most talented.

i'm dead serious about all of it. especially the mohawk.

(my dad is somewhere about to die right now :)

first night away.

last saturday was my first day away from pratt. overnight. everyone told me that i'd cry. and that i'd be so upset driving away. i guess i'm a bad mom, because i didn't cry when i drove away. i was fine until saturday night.

i got to go to my first football game of the season. we had a wonderful time. we got to see stephen and meritt and jay and kelly gwynne and vernon and josh. the game was...well, maybe we'll be better next year.

anyway, i was doing okay until we got back to our hotel room. when i layed down to fall asleep, i became upset. this is typical. as i've said before, i was always the kid who loved the bunking party until the sleeping bags came out. then i was headed straight for the phone to get my parents to come pick me up asap.

i wondered what pratt was doing. if he knew that i had left him. if he knew that i was a horrible mom. all of it. i wondered if he would ever forgive me. or if when he's 16, he'll remind me that i left him at only 6 weeks old.

but i'm going to bank on what whit said in her text to me that afternoon. it's like she knew without me ever mentioning it...that i needed to hear it. she said..

i want you to know that taking time for yourself makes you an even better mom. you deserve this little break, so enjoy the game and your time with clint.

so that's what i did. i enjoyed it. i knew that pratt was being taken care of by people who loved him as much as i do. and...there were seven of them. seven always beats two.

so thank you to aunt betty, aunt carol, hollee, christy, toot, poppy and sugar for a wonderful saturday night. pratt had such a wonderful time.

sugar.

i've recently been reminded of the importance of family. more specifically, my sister.

it's quite possible that she loves pratt as much as clint and i do. to pratt, she is known as "sugar". which is perfect. because i know that as he gets older, and spends more time with her, all of those times will be sweet. sweet as sugar.

rarely does a morning pass when she hasn't texted or called to say good morning to him. and that she loves him and misses him. i found the first text so sweet...but have realized that with each one...they mean more and more to me, and i know to him too.

i was reading emily's blog today and read where her little girl said she wanted to be a chef and a dancer. i thought this was so sweet. so youthful. dreamy. wonderful.

it made me think of spencer. and how she used to always say that she wanted to be a hairdresser and a lawyer. when we'd question her on doing both these things, she would tell us that her plans involved cutting hair...and while doing so, she'd talk to the client about their divorce. it was always a divorce for some reason. i guess because when dad would come home from work, that's what we'd hear. stuff about divorces. they were hard for him, i think. i think it's tough when there are kids involved. this stuck with spencer.

so that was her plan. cut, bleach, fix the hair and discuss the case.

i remember these days. the days of believing you can be anything you want. and i wonder when i stopped believing. i wonder what happened. i guess maybe in my case it's that i'm 29 and still have dreams. only now when i say that i want to go to nursing school to be a nicu nurse, no one takes me seriously. instead, my dad and clint roll their eyes and say, "here we go again..."

much like emily's little juliette, i hope pratt has big dreams. be it a firefighter or a brain surgeon...a chef or an author. whatever it is, i hope that i'm never guilty of crushing those dreams. i hope that i always remember how important it is to let him decide. and as clint says, " as long as he's able to financially support himself and his family...he can do whatever his little heart desires".

and if for some reason, the funds don't work out...i'll be there. i already know that i will.

so to sugar...if i ever fall down on these promises...remind me of this post.

maybe he'll be a school teacher. maybe he'll be as good as you. let's hope so.

we love you.

prayer.

i have kept a journal since i can remember. sixth grade, maybe? i dunno. i've always loved to write. even if it's unimportant stuff. at the time, it was important to me.

i was looking back today through some stuff i had written right after pratt was born. i was reminded of how i felt that week he spent at the hospital. looking back on it, i'm not sure how we drove home on that monday when we left him. i remember only a few parts of it. but i had written down...word for word...what clint said to me. and today, i re-read it.

that week, i had never been closer to God. i was honestly in a state of constant prayer. every thought concerned pratt. and the nurses. and the doctors. and the other babies up there. i would see a commercial, and immediately think of him. it was like going through a break up. you know, when everything you see reminds you of the person. and all you want to do is call and just check on them. that's how it felt.

i would wake up at night and wonder if he was awake. wonder if sandy was with him if he was. i convinced myself that he never cried. convinced myself that he was pretty much in a drug-induced stupor the entire time he was there. someone told me to just think of it as him being at the babysitters. and that the babysitters were the most qualified, well payed ones he'd ever see. that helped...but only a little.

that week was the longest of my life. it really was. it was longer than the time i had chicken pox as a kid. i remember i was supposed to be in a play at school. i was the season spring. who knows? but i was. and i had this wonderful little headband thing made of flowers that i was going to get to wear. and every day i would wake and walk in my parents room, into my mom's bathroom...go up to her mirror. look in it. and every day it seemed that i had more pox. they were everywhere and i remember thinking they would take forever to go away.

i'd relive those chicken pox now. they don't seem so bad.

i know that the only thing that got us through that week was prayer. lots and lots and lots of it. from us. from you. from people i'll never meet. i am working on thank you notes, and have been keeping notes for pratt in his baby book until i am able to find him a box. i came across a note from camille helms at the first baptist church in camden. she had put pratt on a prayer list. and everyone praying for him had signed a sheet of paper. she sent it to us, and as i read over each name (for probably the 10th time last night) i cried. some of the names i recognized. others i didn't.

i wish that i had every name. i wish that i knew all the people who had prayed for us. i would seriously write thank you notes to each and every person. i am completely convinced that they are the reason we came home when we did...and they are the reason pratt is a healthy and happy boy today.

when he gets old enough, he will hear this story. and i hope that he will understand the love with which he was showered. i never want to show him the pictures from the hospital. i can't stand to look at them myself. but i promise to teach him the importance of prayer. and the importance of selflessness. and the importance of always putting God first, others second and himself third.

again, thank you to all of you who love us. we are such a lucky little family.

all things considered.

as the woman on npr says. i've been thinking of some things lately. it's random.

1. only people with children or those pregnant should be allowed to use drive through windows at fast food restaurants. being lazy isn't an excuse. enjoy being able to get out of the car and actually walk in. just for the sake of walking. even if you're not going to enjoy your food inside the restaurant. enjoy the fact that if you are interested, you can go inside in a hurry. like it might only take you 5 minutes. whereas it will take a pregnant person much longer. it's hard getting out of the car when you get big. and with a kid, it's almost impossible. leads me to number 2...

2. why are car seats so freaking heavy...even without a baby in it? i need one like jan had on the office. the orbit, i think. i've heard they are much lighter. it's impossible for me to hold that seat, and open a door at the same time. i have to put the seat down, and then open the door, and then hold it with my butt, and then pick the seat up...get it? it takes forever. and this just reiterates why only those pregnant or with children should get to use drive throughs. and of course, those with any type of disability.


3. pratt hates what i love the most. for example, i would love to sleep all day. he's not so interested. he'd much rather be up, staring at the fan. i love taking baths. him, sometimes they're okay, other times, not so much. there is no rhyme or reason to this. i would love to sit in a chair that vibrates. him, no thank you. i would love to swing all day long. and what makes this even better..is that you don't have to hold onto the metal part of the swing handle. that stuff always makes your hands stink. and then you have to go in from recess and all the kids smell like metal. yuck. he'd rather not swing.

4. for the rest of my life, i will always consider how whatever i'm about to do will affect his life. yes, i did this to some extent with my husband, but even more now it seems.

5. why does formula have to smell like agar? everytime i smell it, i feel like i'm back in science class.

6. there is something so wonderful about holding him, and having his little arm draped around my neck. it's heavenly.

7. i need to begin writing thank you notes to my parents for putting up with me and my crap for 29 years. i cannot believe they haven't walked away. seriously, clark. seriously...

a.mazing.

i was looking back through old posts today. i love reading some of the stuff from february and march. i was so ready to have a belly. so ready to "feel pregnant".

anyway, i came across my tummy at 13 weeks and was amazed. when comparing it to the 39 week picture (6 days before giving birth)...it's just unreal. as my dad said when taking the 39 week picture..."i'm not sure your stomach will ever look the same."

me neither dad. me neither.

dear pops,

thank you for the baby bjorn. i love it!

now mom can carry me around everywhere. and...i can go for a walk with her and ace.

love, pratt.

being honest.

a good friend of mine recently had a baby. before she had him, she blogged very openly and honestly about how she was sad. down.

when i read it, it broke my heart. i've been there. not while being pregnant. but i've been there. i couldn't find the words to help. it's hard enough to say the right thing when you feel as though you've experienced something similar. it's even more difficult when you have no idea what the person is feeling.

well, my time has come. and i feel as though i should be honest. not because i need to do it for myself. well, that's not completely true. i have always felt something so cathartic about writing. releasing everything on the page. getting it all out. and so maybe a part of this is for that very reason. but also because if i say something that makes sense to one person...something that helps just one person...it was worth it. it will be worth putting myself out there. being completely honest. brutally honest.

someone said to me today, "you write like you're on top of the world". i'm not.

there are days when it's hard to not cry. days when i have a headache from 8am to 9pm because i haven't had anything to eat. days when i don't feel like taking a shower.

i know that my hormones are completely out of wack. i know that it will take a good 3 months before things get back to "normal"...but there have been times when i don't know that i can wait 3 months.

one of my professors in grad school always said it's important to define the sadness. you should be able to see it. to draw it. to feel it. you can't just say that you're sad. that means something different to everyone.

mine feels heavy. it feels like i'm stuck in this house for the rest of my life. it feels like i will never have another morning where i sleep in again. it feels like my entire life has changed. and that no one around me realizes that it has. like their lives have stayed the same.

yes, clint just opened an office. and yes, he's busy too. but i went from just me. to me and this baby.

clint went from being a dentist in one town...to being a dentist in another town. he's still pulling teeth. still doing crowns.

i went from being a phd student to being a mom. i no longer take classes. i no longer drive to school. i no longer sleep 8 hours. i change diapers. i make bottles. i am at home, all alone...for the entire day.

i'm not asking for anyone to feel sorry for me. instead, i'm saying that i'm not always on top of the world. there are days when i feel as though i'm at my all time lowest point.

at 1 am, when it's just me and pratt. and he is just about asleep again..he'll look up at me, and then..it feels like i'm on top of the world. and it's then that somehow i get the strength to hold on and i feel that i'm alright.

i'm in no way saying that i don't love this baby. i do. i love him, clint and my family more than i love anything else in my life. i always will.

but this is hard. it's not for chickens. it's not for the weak. it's tough. and it's demanding. and if there is someone out there dealing with the same thing...you're not alone.

i feel it too.

thank you allie for making me feel sane. thank you for being honest with me. i'm just passing it on...

my morning.

as soon as i got out of the shower, i heard him crying.

so this is how i got ready for the day. luckily, he's pretty content laying here for...oh, a few minutes.


let's just say this...it's a good thing i don't wear makeup. i'd never have enough time to put it on.


and that's ace watching over him. almost like he thinks i might hurt him or something. sweet.

shoes from coco.

pratt has received his first gift from los angeles.

coco (whitney) bought him a pair of gwen stefani shoes. yes. for babies. they are hilarious. i think the line must be called "lamb baby".

this is so special because when i was a kid my aunt carol lived in new york. she would always bring the coolest gifts to us when she would visit. she brought the coolest sunglasses to spencer, elaine morrison and me one year. they were black and they had these wings that fanned out on the sides. awesome. no one had anything like them. i think we still have them somewhere.

so here is pratt wearing his cool shoes for his one month old photo shoot. thank you coco!

on the inside of the shoe it says, "rollin in cashmere". hysterical.

one month old.

pratt turned one month old yesterday (monday, the 13th). we didn't have a doctor's visit today...our next one is at 2 months. i'm guessing he weighs nearly 10 pounds. at least that's what my scales are saying.

he's still so long and skinny. he's getting bigger and bigger, but i'm not sure where the weight is going. naked, he still seems like a little wet noodle.

he's eating very well. always hungry. and he lets you know it. he goes from happy to completely hacked off in about 0.3 seconds. there is no in between with him. he's dramatic. but i'm not sure who he gets that from. :)

his eyes are still blue. or gray. sort of hazel, i think. his hair is turning lighter and lighter every day. he is sleeping really well. usually wakes at 1 am and 5 am. he naps most of the day.

i've noticed that he's starting to recognize me more than ever. when he's crying and i enter his room, usually i can calm him down somewhat just by talking to him. i feel like when he looks at me when he's feeding, he knows who i am. i might be making this up...but i don't think so.

when we were taking his one month pictures he looked at me and laughed. i'm positive that it wasn't gas. that it was because he was laughing at my sorry attempts to capture him sitting up in a chair.

he's very, very strong. loves to kick. loves to wiggle up your body to your neck. when you kiss his cheeks, he rolls his mouth towards you...with his little mouth wide open.

i love having him lay against me. right under my chin. i love his smell. and his hands. and his skinny, skinny arms. and his gummy, gummy smile.

my parents (mimi and poppy) bought him a six foot giraffe for his nursery. it's from a place called go fish. it's sort of like ten thousand villages. all the stuff is handmade and 100 percent of the money goes back to the country and their people. anyway, they bought this wonderful giraffe for him. when we were kids, we'd always stand up next to the door and mom or dad would mark how tall we were.

so i had the idea to do this same thing...only with the giraffe. i'm not going to mark on the wooden giraffe...but we'll just keep pictures to see how tall he continues to get. or in this case...how "long" he is. for the next several pictures, we'll have to do this laying down :)

pictures.

these are some of my favorite pictures we've taken over the past few days.

i love the one where he's smiling right at me. and i absolutely love when he wraps his little fingers around my finger.

and the last picture...well, he's totally going to be a bad kid. i mean, look at that face. it's frightening.

when i knew.

i was reading a post from my sweet friend laura's blog today, and she talked about when she knew she was going to marry her husband kyle. it was such a sweet story. made me cry. i must say, it's not hard to make me cry these days. but still...it was so sweet. i could just see it happen.

i was reminded of when i knew the same. about clint.

it was december 6th of 2002. our first date. he was in dental school in memphis. i lived in little rock. he had asked me to go to the dental school christmas party with him. actually...he asked me to go in 2001. and i couldn't. so in december of 02, i got an email saying something about how i would be going this year because i said so last year when i wasn't able to attend.

so i went. i drove to memphis friday when i got off work. i left early. it was around 4.

we went to the party and then later that night, i was hungry. go figure. i've always been chubby. the only thing that was open was subway. we drove to subway and i got my sandwich.

i remember sitting on his bed, eating. i can close my eyes and see it. i was sitting up with my legs crossed, indian style. in the middle of the bed. he was laying across the end of it. had his head propped on one hand. arm bent.

and he said, "tell me what you have on your sandwich...i want to know what you like."

it was then. and because i have NO filter, i said..."i'm going to marry you."

he laughed. and shook his head. probably wanted to run for it...but he didn't.

i knew. it took me a long, long time to convince him that i was right...but luckily, i did.

as a side note, clint claims i took him to the lower dam while we were at ouachita. it's a well known fact that if you went to the lower dam, you were going to make out. let me stress this. i never, ever, ever took anyone to the lower dam. i mean, i really didn't. i didn't take him. but he claims i did. he's thinking of the wrong girl. must have been someone else. :)

how about right here on this table, mom?

pratt has been congested for a few days now. we noticed it this weekend and it's only gotten worse. i called on monday to find out what the nurse said...she gave me some advice, and we followed it.

well last night i heard him coughing on the monitor. poor little thing. it was heartbreaking. this made me pretty worried. i can handle "common congestion" but something didn't feel right about the coughing.

i'm sure i'm overly concerned because of the whole nicu deal...but i called the pediatrician today and decided to take him in.

well, you know how the nurse always comes in first to weigh him...and ask relevant questions. okay, so this young girl comes in. she says that she needs to take a rectal temp. so i take off his little pants and diaper.

keep in mind that i'm a nervous wreck. i am totally wishing that clint were with me at this point. i hate that i'm this way. i used to be very confident all by myself...but something about being able to depend on someone else has ruined me.

well, i take off his diaper, she puts the rectal thermometer in...and about five seconds later, he just straight poops. yes. totally poops. i start laughing because what else is there to do?

she doesn't know what to do. so i said something like, "you might want to wait until he's finished to attempt that again." she looked at me like i was crazy.

pratt's pooping on the table...i'm leaning down to get wipes out of his bag when i feel something wet hit my hand. the nurse kind of yelps. i look up and he's peeing. all over her hand and all over mine. again, i laughed.

of course, every other time i have gone anywhere i've taken an extra outfit. not this time. i only had the one. and he had peed on it. so i took off the top and tried to dry it before the doctor came in.

up to this point, he's pretty much been his father's child. but today, after that...he's totally mine. poor guy. what he doesn't realize is that he is about to begin a lifetime of most embarrasing moments.

oh...he weighs 9 pounds, 10 ounces. and his congestion is expected to go away on it's own. i'm ready for it to. it's worrisome. but what isn't worrisome at this point?

baby brynn.

i'm always very careful about saying, "i know how you feel". i've been this way for a long, long time because i think that we each experience completely different emotions in situations. i hate when someone says, "oh...i know how you feel...you'll be fine."

usually, i want to scream that they don't know how i feel and that i don't think i will be fine.

but yesterday i realized that maybe sometimes we do feel similar pains.

clint worked with a lady named kathy when he was at his former office. she worked directly with clint. everyday except friday.

her son and his wife recently had a baby. the baby was born early at 30 weeks. her name is brynn. the baby is brynn. anyway, brynn is in the nicu in missouri. she weights 2 pounds, 5 ounces.

there were so many of you who prayed for pratt when he was in the hospital. so, i'm coming to you asking you to pray for brynn and her family. their blog is on my list below...so feel free to go over and keep up with her progress.

prayer is the ONLY thing that got me through the week of pratt being in the nicu. reading through the posts by brynn's mother has brought back so many emotions.

so for all of you who prayed for pratt...would you please keep little brynn in your prayers. i know that her family would greatly appreciate it.

much love, han.

dad's new office.

today was a wonderful day!

pratt and i got to go up and have lunch with dad at his new office! wooohooo for me getting out of the house!

everything is coming along so well. training was finished today. now clint and amanda just have to get everything put up in it's place.

pratt ate when we first arrived, and then fell fast asleep for three hours. i spent that time going to walmart for clint and then decorating his bookshelves in his office. i realize that this doesn't sound fun...but when all you've been doing is visiting with a 3 week old child, decorating bookshelves is a blast!

i wish i had my camera. he fell asleep in his carseat in the dental hygiene room. it would have been a perfect picture. several salesmen came in and commented on how beautiful he was. :)

anyway, we had a really good day. we're so excited for clint. i know that this is overwhelming for him...but i have no doubt that he will be up and running before he realizes it!

we love you, dad. and we can't wait for you to work on our teeth.

tag, i'm it.

so my friend emily tagged me...for you who don't know, this means i have to include seven random facts about myself...things ya'll don't know.

this could be difficult. i'm such an open book...and so most of you who know me well...know me really, really well. probably more than you'd like to. i'm known for telling too much. being too personal. but oh well...i'll try to give you things you don't already know.

1. i take off all my clothes to go number 2. yes. that's right. that's what i said. all of them. something about it feels free. i don't like to feel restricted. (don't you totally want to keep reading...i mean, after that...what else is there to know, huh?) :)

2. when i shower, i have a certain order i go in to wash. left shoulder then arm, then right shoulder, then right arm. and on from there. it's an order. i've done it this way for years. i have to wash my hands off before i put shampoo in them for my hair. otherwise, i'm just making my hair more dirty.

3. when i read a book, i cannot under any circumstances fold down the pages or write in the book. even if it's a wonderful quote or line or thought. instead, i get a post it note and write the page number on it and stick it in the front of the book. people shouldn't deface books.

4. i once broke up with a boy because he wrote "your" when he should have written "you're". well, i didn't really "break up" with him...cause we weren't yet dating. but it was headed that way. but i couldn't spend the rest of my life with someone who apparently was not detailed oriented. these things are important. there is a huge difference between the two words. it's like "it's" and "its" and "their" and "there". ugh ugh ugh.

5. i'm terrified of swimming pool drains. i'm convinced that at night sharks come out of them and swim around in the pools. the one at the country club in camden is especially frightening. i never could swim over by the diving boards at night there.

6. i've been writing short, mini chapters for a book i want to write one day. i'm not sure of the topic or title...but every once in a while, i sit down and type. get stuff out. i don't know that anyone would be interested. and i don't really know how to go about it...but i hope that one day it will work.

7. the night i accepted christ as my savior...i did it in my car, outside my apartment in college with the radio up very loud...all alone, crying. i was listening to a kirk franklin song. it changed my entire life. and it happened because of a girl who i had never met. it happened because that's what God does. people are put in our lives to bring other people into it. to change our lives. and that's what happened. from a broken heart came a blessing i never expected.

there they are. seven random things about me. so intriguing...right? ha.

i tag...

1. emily merryman
2. ashley guilbert
3. savannah butler
4. sarah bell
5. whitney white
6. bethany mcghehey

previously.

before september 13th of this year...there were many things i swore i'd never do. i was wrong. very, very wrong.

i promised i'd never use my own saliva to clean my child's face.

i never wanted to be the mother who handed their child to their husband the minute he walked in the door so that she could go somewhere or do something like go to the grocery store...or even pee. just sit to pee. because it's hard peeing with a baby in one arm. it's not really the peeing that's hard. it's pulling your pants back up. almost impossible.

i promised i'd wait on clint to go to sleep before i did. i never wanted to go to sleep without him. but when you know that if you don't go to sleep when the baby goes to sleep, you'll never get any sleep...pretty much this goes out the window.

these things have only happened in 2 weeks. there is no telling what else i'll do that i swore i'd never do.

first time at the lake.

i took pratt to hot springs for the first time today.

he got to meet his grandma bb and grandpa eugene. well, he met them in the nicu, but that didn't really count. funny story. barb and gene are two of my parents friends. really good friends. when we were kids, spencer and i spent many christmases opening gifts at their house. it was a second home to us. gene and my dad have been law partners for as long as i can remember.

well, when pratt was born gene and barb were in oklahoma visiting their kids and grandkids. so when they drove back through, they wanted to see pratt. but he was in the nicu. i had already been discharged...but he was still there.

mom told barb that they probably wouldn't be able to see him because to see him, clint or i had to be there. well, that didn't stop barb and gene. (we signed a form with only our names on it as visitors to keep anyone and everyone from going back there. this was more for the other babies back there...too many people equals too many germs...which equals too much risk)

there are two versions of the story...depending on who you talk to. the nurses in the nicu later said that barb and gene claimed to be "grandparents on the mother's side from oklahoma". barb and gene say they never said that. :)

either way, they somehow got back to see pratt. it was at that point, they became grandma bb and grandpa eugene.

so here is pratt with his grandma bb.

and here is pratt for the first time on the deck. he said he's most excited about riding with mimi on the jet ski. maybe next summer...

a big weekend.

this past weekend, nancy came down and spent the night. he was really good for his nana while in the bathtub. i don't think he really cried at all. he's gotten to where he actually enjoys the tub. i think i figured out why...

you know how when you're in the bathtub, and you get cold, you might as well get out. the whole point of taking a bath (besides being clean of course) is warmth. well, i thought maybe he hated it because he's cold. so i set up a space heater in the bathroom and i put a warm, wet washcloth over his belly and chest during the bath. that way he stays warm. this is probably something everyone else in the world has thought of...but not me. i was very proud of myself.

i don't have any pictures of pratt with his nana. i'm not good at taking pictures. i usually depend on everyone else to send me theirs. i'll get better and post some soon. i promise.

on saturday afternoon, pratt met his mamaw fulks for the first time. she is his great grandmother. mamaw suffered a stroke a while back...and has since had several mini-strokes. she's currently rehabing so this was pratt's first time of meeting her. she and papaw were so excited about seeing him.

the minute clint carried pratt in, mamaw started crying. she is unable to speak...but the tears and her face said it all. we have full faith that she knew who pratt was. she reached out and put her hand on his blanket. for a long time, she just held onto him.

we didn't take any pictures of the visit for personal reasons...but we are confident that pratt will see her again...and we'll get pictures then. i would love nothing more than for pratt to grow up and know her. know her strength. know her wisdom.

homesick.

i wasn’t good at spending the night away from home when i was a kid.

well, actually, i wasn’t good when i was in college. i was homesick the entire first year.

it was august 24, 1997. i remember my dad giving me a black binder for school. we were standing at the back of flippen perrin. he handed me this black binder and told me not to open it until i got inside.

they drove off. i couldn’t force myself to turn around and look. it was just too much. i walked into my dorm room and into the bathroom. i shut the door and sat down on the toilet seat. and opened that binder.

there was a note there. it read...

my dear hannah – i am so proud of you. today, you are starting a new chapter of your life. i know that i will cry this afternoon when we part; i’m crying now.

for 18 years, mom and i have tried to make sure we were always there for you. she has been better and more diligent than i, but our love for you has been of equal degree. we both love you as completely as possible.

you have never disappointed us. you have been more than we could have dreamed for. i wish your grandparents were here to see you. they all would be so proud.

i have no doubt that you will succeed. you have the ability to be anything you desire to be.

i cannot be with you now, but i am content with the fact that i know you will be fine. only when you are blessed with children of your own will you be able to understand how proud and good i feel today.

i love you. dad.

that letter lives in my box. and pretty much...i have it memorized.

today, my mom left to go back home. i tried not to cry while she was here...and i succeeded. i was back in the house before the tears began streaming down my face.

i don’t know what’s wrong with me. yes, my hormones are completely out of wack. but that’s not completely it.

i am terrified. scared. feel like i did when i was a kid. feel like i need someone’s mother to call my parents and tell them that i’m homesick...and that i need to be picked up from the bunking party. as soon as everyone would get their sleeping bags out, i’d be on the phone to my parents.

that’s what i need now. i need someone to call my mom and tell her to come back. to come back and get me. i’ll be waiting at the front door with my bags. and as soon as i see her headlights, i’ll feel better.

i keep going back to that letter now. the part about “i cannot be with you now, but i am content with the fact that i know you will be fine”. i wonder if he feels that way about my situation now. i wonder if they think i’m capable of this. this “being a mother”.

it’s times like these i realize that i never said thank you enough. i haven’t been as good to my parents as i should have been. it’s times like these i have a hard time understanding how my mother lost her mother at such a young age. i cannot imagine.

it’s times like these i realize how lucky and how blessed i am.

i’m going to go dry off my face. and act like i’m mature enough to be someone’s mother...and someone’s wife.

maybe...just maybe, dad is right. maybe...i’ll be fine.

geez, dad...

last night clint was trying to wake pratt up. he picked him up and took him over to the recliner. the light is pretty bright there...compared to where he'd been sleeping.

as soon as the light hit his face, here is what he did...

pratt and his dad.

sweet release.

yesterday was a bad day.

probably as bad as alexander’s.

let’s just say this, i didn’t take a shower until well after 3 pm, and even then when my mother saw me (post shower) she said, “hannah, i’ll take him. why don’t you go shower.”

it sounded to me like, “hannah, i’ll save him from you. why don’t you go wash yourself because you look like you’ve been dumpster diving behind barnes and noble”.

why “barnes and noble”? well, because there is nothing better than free books. i’m the person who picks them up off the free book table only because they are free...not because i need them.

so back to me not having a shower. i must, must, must take a shower every single day. if i don’t, my hair is so greasy. and no...i don’t believe that it’s better for my hair. or that i could brush it out and have the oil evenly distributed. no. no. no. it’s just greasy.

pratt didn’t sleep more than 1.5 hours tuesday night. he had started to get fussy around 7...but i just thought he was hungry. he woke at 12...and then from there...we were pretty much up all night long.

i could take it if it was just being up to look at each other. but no. it wasn’t. it was because he was sick. his little belly hurt. bad. really, really bad. he usually has a dirty diaper every hour or so. maybe every 2 hours. anyway...i realized around 3 am, that he had not had a dirty diaper since 5 pm tuesday night. and this was wednesday morning. i immediately became worried.

he would stretch out his little legs, turn red in the face, scream at the top of his lungs and then lose his breath because he would scream for such a long time.

at some point, i came upstairs and woke clint up. i told him that he had to try something because i was going to fix another bottle. you must understand...i had no idea what was causing the bellyache.

when i came back up (about five minutes later) pratt was quietly laying on clint’s chest. sound asleep. i would have been so appreciate and completely cool with it...however....clint goes, “i think he really likes laying on my chest. it always calms him down.”

OMG. are you kidding me? i’ve been up with this child for oh...i dunno...like a gazillion hours...clint is woken up from a deep sleep and in oh...i dunno...three minutes he’s become the baby whisperer. had i not been so exhausted we would have exchanged some words right then and there...but i was really just so thankful that he was sleeping. and...i had to remind myself that clint wasn’t being ugly or rude or “told you so”...instead, he just loved the fact that pratt was so comfortable on his chest.

it was actually a really sweet sight.

okay, so clint leaves that morning around 830. pratt is asleep when he leaves. around 9 am, pratt gets up. and he’s up for the rest of the day. yes. no...seriously, i’m not exaggerating...he took NO naps.

still in pain. still no poop.

it’s now close to 24 hours. i called the doctor’s office that morning and the nurse told me that it’s “normal” for babies to go without bowel movements for 2 days. what ev. i can’t go without one for 2 days. how could a baby?

around noon, i start praying. seriously, praying for a poop diaper. it was one of those high school moments..you know, like in that garth brooks song...where you just say, “look, lord...if so-and-so will ask me to prom...i’ll never sin again.”. yes, it was that kind of moment.

something like, “lord, if you’ll just let him poop, i’ll never skip church again. i’ll join the peace corp. i’ll start building homes for habitat. i’ll do anything.”

no poop.

so it’s 3 pm. and now we’re both crying. he’s screaming. and i’m just sobbing. big, huge crocodile tears. they’re dripping all over his face. i’m sitting downstairs in the recliner with my robe on. at some point, i decided to take off his diaper to see if he had pooped.

well, fast forward to around 415 pm. my mom arrives. she comes in...makes the comment about me taking a shower and immediately takes him from my arms. she says that aunt carol said that sometimes it helps with gas to put them over your legs, face down. when she demonstrates, his bare butt is exposed for all the world to see. he has on his onesie...but no diaper.

she looked at me, and started laughing. said something like, “hannah, where is his diaper?”.

i just put my hand over my face and said, “i’ve been up since 12, mom. i forgot to put one on him last time i changed him.”

that child had been diaperless for oh...maybe an hour. but that this point, i would have loved for him to have had a bowel movement on me. right in my lap. i would have jumped for joy.

fast forward to today, thursday at 855 am. clint’s at work. mom and i are here. we’ve tried karo. we’ve tried everything. nothing has worked.

so we resort to glycerin suppositories.

and voila.

i’ll spare you the details...but let’s just say that it worked. within 3 seconds. yes.

and as brandon bates would say....sweet release.