first snow.

i've always said i'd marry a man that could do things around the house. you know...do things himself instead of having to call a plumber or an electrician. etc.

well, i had forgotten about that when i married clint. there were other things i liked about him...so that didn't really matter anymore.

good news! somehow, i got lucky and i married clint...and that guy.

we are those people that watch tv in our bedroom. yes, we do. our tv has been on a wall where clint couldn't really see it. so last night, he climbed into the attic...and moved the cable! i was completely impressed with this. he put a faceplate over the old hole...and made a new hole. on the wall opposite our bed. and it's about halfway down the wall. hopefully, one day we'll have saved up enough for a flat screen. maybe...just maybe.

anyway, i was so impressed with his skills. now, if only he could build me some shelves for our den....

today we took a family trip to babies r us. after some help from eugene...who kept telling us that pratt "couldn't ride in that stroller 'til he no longer was in months"....

i'm not sure what he meant by that. we were asking what the next step up was. because once he's 22 pounds, he's out of his carseat. i think eugene thought we were just going to throw our 2 month old into a big boy stroller and take off. he was worried. worried he'd slip out of the straps. and he kept saying..."you can't use that one until he's no longer in months".

all i can figure out is that he meant that once you can say he's 2 years old...and not 24 months...then you can use it?!

i dunno. i mean, really, you could always be "in months"...right? i mean even at 3, he's 36 months. who knows. eugene was helpful...and sweet..and had good intentions. and that's all that mattered.

we ate lunch in little rock and about halfway through, clint pointed at the window behind me. it was snowing!!! pratt got to experience his first snow. but he wasn't dressed properly so i didn't take him out in it. it's supposed to snow here tonight...we'll wrap up tightly and go out then. maybe i can get him to stick his tongue out and have a flake land on it.

pratt loves his dad so much. something about clint's face. and his voice. tonight i was holding him, getting a bottle ready. clint was making chicken and dumplings on the stove and said something like, "i don't know". pratt completely mocked him. it was just unreal.

i know everyone thinks their kid is gifted...and i'm not saying that mine is. :) i'm really not. it's just so much fun to see how much he changes day to day. he seems to pick something new up every single day.

have wonderful weeks.

and the clouds lifted.

that is how i would describe this past week. maybe it’s because of the holiday. and i got to spend time with those i love most. or maybe it’s because it’s been 11 long weeks now…and it’s about time they lifted.

i’m not sure.

but for whatever reason, i’m feeling so much better now.

i feel different. i feel like i've had the blinders taken off. like maybe i see more now. like i can finally see that life is lived in moments. not days. it's gone by so fast lately. every single day pratt looks different. something changes.

he finds his feet. he giggles. he laughs until he looses his breath. he sticks out his bottom lip to pout. all of these things happen so quickly.

the night before thanksgiving, i was rocking him to sleep. he was all swaddled up. he had pushed his pacifier out of his mouth and was just staring at me. i was smiling at him, and he just grinned at me. closed his eyes and grinned.

i began crying. tears were falling all over his face. and he just kept on smiling.

as i sat there holding him, i felt guilty. guilty that for the past 11 weeks, i've had such a hard time. such a hard time adjusting to all this. it seems so easy for so many moms...yet, it was so very, very hard for me.

i feel like i've missed out on something.

but i know that there is nothing i can do. just look to the future. and next time...if there ever is a next time, i'll know when this depression creeps up on me. and i'll be ready.

i've been meaning to get pictures of pratt on his baby einstein mat. he loves it. there is a shining star at the top of it, and he loves to lay and look at it. it blinks different colors and plays music.

he constantly moves his arms around. clint says he's like a band director.

here he is with his flatopotamus from the popes.

anyway, i'm feeling so much better now. i just needed it documented. because it's been a very long and very hard couple of months for me. i think i was running on adrenaline the first week he was born and in the nicu. and then things slowed down. clint was opening a new practice, working at a medicaid clinic in a town 1.5 hours away. we had moved into a new house, in a new neighborhood. didn't know anyone here.

i'm getting back to my old self. the hannah that doesn't care what the books say. the hannah that goes on what her gut tells her.

welcome back, hannah. i've missed you.

we are so thankful.

november, december and january are three of my favorite months. november 27th is sugar's birthday. my parents' birthdays are in december, and clint's is in january.

plus you get thanksgiving which means turkey and dressing. you get christmas which is my all time favorite. the message, the music, the smells, the candles, the decorations...all of it. and then in january, you can promise to make a fresh start. work out, eat better...and it lasts..oh, about 2 weeks. fun, fun!

wednesday afternoon pratt and i headed to my parents for sugar's birthday. clint didn't get off til later, so he came down that night. we had wonderful birthday cake and sugar got several terrific gifts. pratt gave her two pictures of himself. it may seem selfish...but she really, really loved them. and then, i got her a wonderful necklace with pratt's initials on it. i actually received the necklace from my friend ashley. it was from a place near nashville called "what's in store". when spencer saw it, she wanted one too. which is so sweet...so i got her one for her birthday. she really, really loved it.

sugar's cake was so cute. dad claimed the black icing tasted like gasoline. it didn't. he has a tendancy to overreact. and blow things out of proportion. i'm not sure who else does that...:)

pratt and sugar with her cake. i woke him up for this picture. you can tell. he's like, "what.ev. ya'll can make me get up out of my swing, but i refuse to look at that camera, mom!"

i think mom took the first bite of cake and we saw that her teeth were black. it was pretty funny. so we all tried to pick around the black icing. but the cake really tasted like a wedding cake. i LOVE wedding cake. it's my favorite. really the only reason i go to weddings. it's true.

my family has always celebrated the night before christmas and thanksgiving with friends of my parents in our hometown. this is because we never had grandparents to go visit. so the bramblett's came over to see pratt and wish spencer a happy birthday on thanksgiving eve. it was really fun having everyone together. and then jenny singleton brought her grandkids over that day too. this is why i always love the holidays. i get to see some of my most favorite people.

me and pratt with wendy and her kids and heather and jake.

the baby whisperer, carolina. look at how content pratt is. he is always like this with carolina. always. i asked her if she'd come live with us...i was dead serious.

jonathan, emily and ashton. ashton brought pratt cute little socks and a wonderful bib with a p on it! so glad we got to see them on thanksgiving.

we had thanksgiving lunch at my parents along with my uncle jeff and aunt jill, and cousin lindsey. uncle jim and seth came up from louisiana. we left there around 1230 and headed to clint's moms for thanksgiving.

oh, and night before thanksgiving, pratt found his feet. he tried all night to stick them in his mouth. here he is...awfully close to eating his left foot.

pratt got to meet aunt dixie and uncle rick. aunt sheila and uncle bart, colby, misty, trisha, alexa, hayden, hailee, landon and stroud. we visited there and then drove home.

it was a wonderful thanksgiving. we're so thankful for our families, our health, our many, many blessings.

oh, and our friends brandon and tanna had their baby brylee two days before thanksgiving and were able to bring her home safely! we can't wait to meet you little brylee!

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

my friend tanna is having her little girl today. right now, actually. she's at the hospital as i type this.

i was checking her blog to see if brylee had been born yet, when i came across her post titled "the night before".

as i read it, i remembered what i was feeling only 2 shorts months ago.

when i remember the day he was born, i remember a lot of things...

i remember sitting in hospital room, laying in the bed, feeling like i shouldn't have put on a gown. i remember feeling like i might be crying wolf...and i hated that i had ruined the gown and the sheets for nothing. of course, once the nurse checked me, she realized that i was 5 cm dilated and 90% effaced...and well, then i was thankful that i was there.

i remember feeling so ready to meet him. so ready to see his face. smell him. hold his tiny, perfect hands.

i remember sitting there with my mom and dad, waiting on spencer to arrive. i remember her just walking through the door, coming in and saying, "heyyyy!". dad asked her how she got back there and she said she just walked back. of course she did. of course she just snuck back, not scared of anyone or anything.

i remember meredith telling me to hold off on the pushing...that she'd be there in 2 hours.

i remember seeing nancy for the first time. she was so excited. and grandma and grandpa. i had grandpa's birthday present. i had actually remembered to pack it up in our bags on the way to the hospital. just in case we had the baby and they were there. i wanted him to have his chocolates. he loves chocolate.

but mostly, i remember clint. i remember him coming downstairs early that morning. looking at me, asking me what was wrong. i think i snapped at him. told him that i was having contractions. that that's what's wrong. i remember him driving to the hospital. he was driving so freaking slow. like 30 mph on the interstate. this isn't uncommon. he's a total old person when it comes to driving...but he was "searching for the right music for the drive". that's what he told me. i almost punched him in the face. not really...but you can imagine having horrible contractions and your husband worrying about what music is playing.

i remember EXACTLY what he had on. his little rock marathon t-shirt and scrub pants. because he didn't really think that we'd have a baby that day. i think he thought that i was faking it.

i remember him seeing pratt for the first time. i remember the way he looked at me after pratt was delivered. he smiled.

i can close my eyes and see it.

it's the same smile he had the night he asked me to marry him.

my life the past 2 months has been full of ups and downs. big ups...and big downs.

to be completely honest, there have been times when i've wanted to walk away. wanted to scream that no one understands how much i'm hurting. wanted to be selfish.

but through it all, i have never for a second stopped loving clint. and i have never for a second doubted his love for me.

and now i understand what someone told me a while back. when i was pregnant...which really feels years ago.

they said something about how this will be the most difficult and most rewarding thing i will ever do. i think it was savannah who said it.

it makes sense now. it has been, hands down, the most difficult...yet most rewarding, and wonderful two months, one week and five days of my life.

and i know that it will only get better. how very, very exciting...

success.

first, thank you to all of you who have left comments. seriously...getting through the past two months of my life would have been impossible without other moms and people who genuinely care about us.

i am one of those people who need feedback. i need advice. i need someone to understand where i'm coming from. what can i say...i'm needy.

anyway, last night was great.

kim, one of my best friends from college came down to spend the night with us. we had a great visit yesterday afternoon. pratt loved kim's sweet voice and her smile. he would look up at her and just giggle away. it was really sweet. i think kim might be somewhat of a baby whisperer...

yesterday, i tried to keep him from taking any long naps after 4. he slept for maybe 30 minutes in my arms around 5. then, he fell asleep (for about 10 minutes) on the way home from the restaurant around 730. he ate at 7...and then had a "midnight snack" at 815. i think somewhere around 2 ounces.

i put him to bed around 830. and he slept until 305 am.

i cannot tell you how refreshed i was t 330! i was so excited...it was actually hard not to just get up for the day. i fed him then and he fell back asleep until 530. it was really, really wonderful.

so here's what i learned:

1. never wake a sleeping baby for a late night meal. if they are tired at 8 or 830, just let them go to sleep for good. (thank you molly for affirming this)

2. don't be so hard on myself.

3. five hours of non-interrupted sleep might be better than oreos slathered with peanut butter.

leash free insomniacs.

last night wasn't pretty. for several reasons.

one. it was storming. and even at 29, i still hate thunderstorms. i really thought our house might get hit by lightening. we are up on a hill...and all i could think of is that we're closer than any of the other houses.

two. pratt is an insomniac. his sleep habits haven't yet been ideal or anything...i mean, i realize he's an infant...but still, as clint said last night around 345, "it seems as though it's getting worse."

yes, yes it does. that coming from someone who got...oh...i dunno...let's see...a total of 3.5 hours of sleep last night.

i've tried several things. i just can't figure it out. anyway, i read a book today that basically combines several schools of thought on sleeping and babies. well, really kids of all ages.

i've figured out some things i'm doing wrong.

one. we don't go outside enough. supposedly their circadian rhythms are helped by seeing sunlight and being aware of nightime and the dark too.

two. i've been letting him fall asleep in his swing. sue me. anyone who has a kid knows that this is so easy to do. i mean, he's so peaceful there.

three. if he eats at 830, i try to wake him for a later feeding.

four. everytime he wakes in the middle of the night, i'm feeding him.

so the book basically tells you to do what you feel is best. but, it gives suggestions. like never let them fall asleep in the swing or bouncy seat. or even in your arms. i mean, you can...but you don't want to get in that habit.

and then there is the whole feeding him when he wakes up in the middle of the night deal. well, according to my friend allison and this new book...babies can be waking up to hang out with their moms. i mean, that's sweet and all...but i'd rather pratt want to hang out with me during the day. but whatever...i guess i'm cool with it...because it is pretty sweet. well, it's sweet right now at 330 pm...not so much at 330 am. so i've tried this now three nights. when i hear him start to wake, i run in and get him, put the pacifier in his mouth and rock him through waking up. it works...but i'm up again an hour later, rocking him again. which makes me think that he's hungry. and i want to give him a bottle...but then i fear the whole "one step forward...two steps back".

i'm telling you...raising kids is rocket science.

and...i'm now under the impression that if they are waking up early...like in pratt's case around 4 am FOR THE DAY...then it's because they are OVER tired. yes, overtired. so confusing to me.

so on average a baby from 0 to 2 months sleeps 7.8 hours during the night. and i read today where most infants that age start to get sleepy somewhere between 730 and 830. this makes sense. pratt is usually fighting sleep around this time. but now i feel like maybe his last meal should be at 830. and he shouldn't be woken up for another one. but then there is this part of me that doesn't want to get to sleep...and be awoken for a midnight feeding.

the book also said that babies shouldn't really be allowed to take any naps of length after 430 pm. are you kidding me? i'm supposed to keep that child up for four consecutive hours. there is no way. i couldn't do it if i stripped him naked and ran outside. he'd sleep through it.

anyway...back to that number one. we're going out more. so i put pratt in the jogging stroller and got ace. it's too darn hard to take ace on a leash and push the stroller. so i just trusted that ace would be good. (this is the first time i've ever done this...i'm a total neurotic. so it wasn't easy) we live in a subdivision...but it's out in the woods. i mean, all the lots are like 3 or 4 acre lots. and it's out of the city limits. so no dogs are on leashes out here...and none of them are locked up. we had a really good time. ace behaved so well. he sniffed out as many squirrels as he could, but he always came back to us when i called.

here's hoping for at least four hours of sleep tonight :)

night with nana.

what a wonderful weekend it's been!

friday pratt and i got to visit with meredith and allyson. it was meredith's birthday on saturday, so she came through to see pratt. she hasn't seen him since the day he was born. needless to say, he's changed a whole lot.

friday night, i got to go see twilight!!! woohoo. seriously, if you haven't read it, you should. you really, really should. granted, we were some of the oldest people there...and it did spark memories of the nkotb concert i went to in grade school...but still, totally worth it. edward is a dream come true.

nana kept pratt friday night so that his mom could act 12. they had a wonderful time together. something about her is so calming to him. he slept pretty much the entire time she was here. it's probably that he already knows that his mother is neurotic and his nana isn't. oh well, he should learn those things early :)

today we put up our christmas trees. we are doing our traditional tree in the front room and doing our "trendy" tree in the living room. sugar helped me pick out decorations for my mantle saturday night. it looks really cute. and clint bought candles for all our windows. we stood outside last night and admired the way our house looks. we are so very blessed.

also today we made gluwein. it's hot wine that we had for the first time last december when we went to austria. we stayed at a quaint little hotel in innsbruck in early december. there is a christmas market there. and that's where we discovered the hot wine. it was so yummy on those cold nights. so we found a recipe today and made it. it was (surprisingly) great and actually tasted just like that we had in austria. now, if only i could make those nutella filled crepes. yum.

we're looking forward to thanksgiving. and i know clint is looking forward to a short work week!

thank you again nancy for staying with pratt. i know he loves it when you're here.

oh my goodness, hannah.

i took this picture last night with my phone. how i wish i had had my camera. this is the funniest picture of him. as my mom said, "he looks so old". i guess it's the expression.

i think he looks like he's saying, "oh my goodness, hannah." which is hysterical to me. mostly because anytime kids call their parents by their first name, i laugh. it's very david sedaris.

i love it.

isn't it ironic...

today we were reading pratt's animal book of abc's. it was a gift from his nana. it's personalized with his name and everything. it's called "my very own abc's".

we got to the "r" page and the animal was a rooster. it reads,

r is for rooster.

cock a doodle do!

my crow in the morning

is a loud alarm

that wakes up the animals on the farm!

and the kid laughed. i promise. he sort of chuckled. like, "if i were a letter..i'd definately be an r". for sure. only his crow is heard morning, noon, night...2 am, 3 am, 430 am...etc.

too funny. i was amazed that he actually stayed interested throughout the entire book. i mean, i have a hard time getting through the alphabet without stopping and thinking of something i need to do. :)

also, one cute picture from yesterday. the outfit is from my childhood best friend kristin. and the blanket is from meredith and allyson's mom, jean ham. i love his little facial expression.

and the guitars on the shirt are great. he doesn't know it...but he will be a little guitar player one day. it's in the genes. that...and maybe the harmonica. and the drums. well, he'll just be a musician. that sums it up pretty well...

more pictures.

here is what we do on friday's while we're answering phones at dad's office. well, at least, this is what pratt does.

some two month pictures.

mid-kick. his favorite thing to do. he'll either be a soccer player or the next alex tejada.

here he is thinking, "okay, mom...after four comes five...and then after five..."

he's slobbering everywhere. teething, i suppose. he'll chew on anything.

in his cool personalized diapers from kerry and shawna.

pretty much what happens when i sit him up for pictures...

he and my mom.

our visit to see papaw and mamaw. papaw was recognized on veteran's day in his hometown. we were unable to make the ceremony but wanted to go see him that night to tell him how proud we are of him. i love this picture of him and clint. so sweet.

recent photos

here are some recent pictures. my moms friends had a sip and see for pratt this past weekend. some of the pictures are from that. others are from this past week.

also, i need to get a picture of clint's open house up here. i didn't get one of me, him and pratt. but i'll search through and see what i did get. maybe i'll get someone to take a picture of us this afternoon in front of the door. we can put on our same clothes...then no one will ever know the difference! just kidding...



pratt and me at the sip and see. i didn't mean for that to rhyme...



all the kiddos, debbie sanders and jennifer



waking from a nap, all swaddled. he hates this.




pratt and carolina. she is wonderful with him. to her, he's "pratt allen".



this is my all time favorite. pratt and his poppy.



sugar, pratt and me. notice he's reaching for her. probably because he knows she is going to spoil him rotten.

an update on the ghost.

so, the ghost has been identified.

it's my dad's mother. my granny. she died when i was very young. she had alzheimers. i remember little of her. i've said this before. what i remember...comes from my dad. she was strong. talkative. supposedly, my grandfather never talked. not because he didn't want to, but because he couldn't get a word in edgewise. she was smart. she was kind. gentle. she was the sign language person in their church in eldorado. i think she was a lot like my dad.

tonight i received a text from my dad. i wish you all knew him. he's unlike anyone else in the world. he and my mother. what a wonderful couple they make. what a great example they are to me. anyway...the text said this...

relax about the ghost. it's granny. she waited all this time to contact us. i've always thought it would be me she would contact. but it's you and probably will be spencer later. she senses that you need some help with pratt and she returned to help you since she left before you got grown. i figured that out when i realized that every time she has been here, either you or spencer were also here. she knows i don't need her but she is going to be around for the two of you. so relax, it's not casper, but it is a friendly ghost for sure...

it's the sixth sentence.

i lost it at the sixth sentence.

he said "some help". not just help...but "some". almost in a gentle way. that one word was meant to soften what he was saying. making sure i understood that he was in no way passing judgment. he'd deny this if i asked...but i know him. and i know that's why he said "some help" and not just "help".

and then that about her leaving before i was grown. she did. she did leave before i was grown. she left too early. both sets of my grandparents left too early.

as spencer said, i should feel safe. i do. i actually do. i feel safe.

thank you dad. even though i'm crying uncontrollably...thank you.

the flowers are still standing...

...as dr. venkman would say.

we have a ghost. he lived in maumelle with us...and has apparently made the move with us.

i'm assuming it's a man because he would turn the tv on in pratt's room in maumelle and watch espn. at least, that's the channel it was always on. and yes, the tv would just "magically" come on.
i mean, it's not really "magic", it's a ghost.

i've always believed. i guess because my dad has...and we have one in camden too. he turns off my tv when i'm asleep, and he'll turn off the lamp by my bed if i forget. he was there the entire time i lived there growing up. he's only shown himself to my dad. but dad has seen him walk through walls. and the cats see him too.

okay, if you're still with me...and haven't called clint to tell him to get home asap because i've lost it...then here is the proof.

we have these two things sitting on our fireplace. just decoration. one is tall and sort of leans over, the other is short, and squatty. well, last night before i went to bed...i realized that someone had sat on the fireplace and pushed them back. so i put them in the correct place...the tall one on the left, and the short one right next to the tall one, on the right.

last night, around 2, i heard something. it woke me up. sounding like something scrapping against the floor. i didn't see yoda, and i assumed that she was doing something to make the noise. then at 5, i woke again to a noise. yoda was at my feet...so i assumed that i had dreamt the noise.

well..just now i was feeding pratt downstairs...and happened to look over at the fireplace. and the picture below...that's what i saw.




YES! the tall thing has bee moved to the very center of the fireplace. like, the EXACT CENTER! you count the length of it in bricks...and it's the exact center.

so he's decided to show himself to us again. not too long ago, he moved ace's bed over to the side of my bed. i mean, unless ace dragged the bed over. but like dad said, "ace ain't that talented."

i hope he's a friendly ghost. a part of me believes that he's a guardian angel for pratt. he arrived (or at least i noticed him) when we were getting pratt's room ready at the old house. so maybe that's what he is.

or maybe i'm just telling myself that to make me feel better. i dunno...

but i'm NOT imagining this. i mean, i probably DO have a few DSM diagnoses...but this isn't one of them.

two month stats.

i never realized how true it is...but time really does fly with little babies. it seems like just yesterday i was nervous with him. nervous about putting his arms into sleeves, nervous about changing his diapers, about giving him baths. about it all. because he was so small. and now he seems so big. i know he's not...but 12 pounds is so different than 8. and he seems so long now. when he sits on my lap, and my legs are crossed, his legs hang over my legs.

as i said in the last post, he is 24.5 inches long. he weighs 12.5 pounds. he is so long that we've had to take out his head support thing in the carseat. but he's not yet old enough to have complete control over his head...so at times, he looks like he might have the worst crick ever. usually, we roll a blanket up to support his neck/head. we've had to let out the carseat straps to fit him. he really is getting so big.

he laughs. he smiles. he giggles. clint heard it yesterday. so i'm not crazy...he really is doing it. i thought i having more auditory hallucinations. but it seems i'm not. he smiles and it just completely melts our hearts. i could watch that gummy smile all day long. he seems to be happiest when he is just up from a nap and has a clean, fresh diaper on. and after he's eaten.

we've gotten into a pretty good routine. i'm not strict about it...because i'm not that disciplined. but he usually gets up around 6 and is hungry. he's taking 4 ounces. clint gets up and feeds him. and then he falls back asleep in his swing. he's eating every 3 hours...unless he's sleeping through it. but that's becoming less common. the past few nights, he has gone to sleep around 10 and wakes at 245. then asleep again with no problem until 6. it will make my year when he sleeps through the night. but i feel so guilty because i'll be so tired and not want to get up...but then as soon as i do, he will smile at me, and i feel horrible for being so selfish.

he has this uncanny ability to know when i'm in the shower. or when i'm just about to dry my hair. because that's when he wakes up and screams. it usually takes two naps for me to get completely ready. and it doesn't take much for me to be ready. but somehow, he knows and i think he thinks it's funny to wake up right when i'm halfway done.

he L-O-V-E-S his swing. he loves his soothie pacifier, unless you're trying to trick him into believing it's his bottle...and then he shakes his head back and forth so that you can't keep it in his mouth. he loves his infantino elephant on his carseat. he stares at it like he has never seen anything quite so intriguing in all his life. his eyes are open really wide and he doesn't blink. almost like the heavens gate cult that put on their nikes and drank the kool-aid.

he loves clint and is so relaxed around him. he still kicks like a mule. both when he's happy and mad. i'm pretty sure he knows me. which is really nice. really, really nice. it seems as though God knows when you need those kind of things. i think He really does. i needed that more than anything. it's so nice to be here with him all day, and him realize that i'm his mom. being able to talk to him, whisper to him, and have him calm down...it's one of the greatest feelings i've ever felt.

and finally, pratt has completely changed clint and my relationship. i just thought we knew how to communicate before him. but it's totally different now. we had a very easy marriage before. i had heard from many people how hard the first year of marriage was. ours really wasn't. it's hard now. not because we don't love each other...but because i find myself having to really work at balancing my time with pratt...with my time with clint. as i said to someone this weekend, "i don't want to wake up 18 years from now and think, i don't even know clint anymore."

i think that this is what's been the hardest for me. not the knowing how to take care of the baby. because that's all really innate. but knowing how to be both a wife...and a mother. and do both successfully. i fail everyday, it seems.

i realize now, more than ever, how important it is to have Christ as the center of the relationship. as someone said to us when we got married, "a threefold cord cannot easily be broken."

my prayer most days is for clint to know that i'm trying. i really am.

and lately, it feels like my bad days are fewer and far between. maybe i'm getting used to the chaos...getting used to feeling like i have no control over anything. i know that life is so hard for so many right now. and we are so blessed with our health. with financial stability. with happiness. with it all. it's hard to sit around and feel sorry for yourself.

it's nice to see the sunshine through the rain. and know that happy days seem to be here again...

shots.

okay. i'll put up his 2 month picture later...but just an update on the horrible shots today.

that was absolutely terrible. seriously. there was blood. and it's now on our giraffe blanket. but we used the campho-pheniq like we'd been told. he cried and there were real tears...but we made it. luckily, my mom was there. and she stood with him while the needles were out. i mean, when he gets older, i'll go alone...but i couldn't today. i think clint has to go next time. he fell fast asleep afterwards.

he's doing good. his weight was 12 pounds, 5 ounces. that puts him in the 60% percentile. oh, and he loved the oral vaccination. yummy. he'll eat anything...and that proved it.

his height is 24.5 cm! he's in the 90% percentile. apparently, he belongs to the milkman...and the milkman's wife :) where is this height coming from?

he's got a little bit of dry skin. and the doctor told us that his cradle cap could take 6 to 8...wait for it...MONTHS!!!!....to clear up. what.ev.

are you kidding me? mom and i thought he was going to say weeks. i'm hoping this is worse case scenario. i guess we'll just refrain from taking any photos of the top of his head. :)

he's doing good other than that. the doctor was absolutely wonderful. he is the one we were encouraged to use by the nicu nurses. and we met him for the first time today. very, very soft spoken. very kind. and even appreciated our tip about the campho-pheniq. he didn't laugh at me when i asked about the vaccines. we loved him. and i know that pratt will love him too. although, he squeezed his testicles...and i'm not sure what that was about. (the doctor squeezed pratt's...not the other way around :)

pratt wasn't really into all that. and he let him know.

we got a clean bill of health. and maybe next time, i'll be able to watch the shots. but there were just too many needles. yuck.

giggles and eww's.

pratt is so much fun right after a nap. this is when he's wide awake, so happy to be alive...and most importantly, not at all hungry. when he's hungry, move out of the way. he's totally my kid. totally.

anyway, i recorded this right after a nap. he's on his changing table. and i know it's long...but it's so stinkin' cute. about 15 seconds into it, i realize that i've cut half his face out of view. after i fix that, it's a pretty enjoyable little video.

while we've had many names for my mother...she says that she's waiting to see what his first word is. and then...she'll be that. right now, we've got "eww". i don't think she's digging that name, so i guess we're waiting on a real word...not a babble. although, i must say that "eww" is a pretty big deal. i didn't speak til i was about 4. seriously. i really didn't. my parents just thought i was gifted. i'm pretty sure i had autism, but grew out of it. i'm not joking. ask anyone. and yes angie, apparently, you can "grow" out of it.

also, i'll update his 2 month stats tomorrow. we have a doctor's appointment tomorrow at 1:20. please keep us in your thoughts. i'm not sure how i'll handle the shots. yuck. i'm thinking of asking them to break up the vaccines. i can't stand to think of seven shots in one. something is just really, really wrong with that. seriously...i know lonna and vernon think i'm crazy, but i'm pretty sure that's not safe.

i'll let you know what i decide. clint says we're getting shots. i guess since i'm the one that will be there, i get to decide. :) just kidding, dad...just kidding.

and, today has been a really big day so far. we attended dad's ribbon cutting ceremony this morning. and his open house will be tonight at 530. the ribbon cutting picture will be in the newspaper, so i'll be sure and add a picture here. i know this seems obsessive, but this website really has become a virtual babybook for pratt.

black fish, blue fish, old fish, new fish.

saturday morning i was getting ready for clara and andy's shower. while brushing my teeth, i heard clint talking. and the words were rhyming. and since i'm not married to dr. seuss...i thought it was a bit weird.

i snuck down the stairs and captured the above picture. he was reading "one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish" to pratt.

i love it. i love how he's holding pratt's feet in his hand.

something about clint is so relaxing to pratt. if he's upset, usually he'll fall fast asleep on his chest. clint makes it look so easy.

we love you dad.

hands.

when i was in medical school, my favorite class was gross anatomy. i was so excited about it before it began.

there were four of us. four to one. we had a man. he was older. and i think he died from heart disease. i remember this because when we got to his heart, it was probably the size of...well, if you put four of my fists together, that would be his heart. and your heart is supposed to be the size of one fist...i think. (this is how much i remember from medical school...there has been lots and lots of repression :)

gross is something that everyone should take. must take. it should be a class offered in life. seriously. you would walk away from it taking your body more seriously. i think we'd stop drinking. stop overeating. stop smoking. etc.

and i know that people would argue with this...but i'm not sure how you see the workings of a human body without being convinced of God. and of something so much greater than me or you. or the big bang for that matter.

i remember our cadaver's hands.

at first, they were covered. we didn't unwrap them until later. i handled the arms well. the back. the stomach. all of it really. even the face. because i knew that it wasn't really his face. i knew that when he was alive...he looked different.

but something about his hands. i knew they looked exactly the same. i wondered where they had worked. what they had held. what they touched. who they comforted.

and that was hard for me.

my grandmother had alzheimers. it was my dad's mom. i remember very little of her. of any of my grandparents for that matter. they died when i was young. what i remember of them...they are strong, vivid memories. maybe because that's all i've got.

but granny, she was sick for a while. of course, she got worse over the years. but i remember one incident when we were in the back seat of the car together. i don't know where we were going, but she was on my right. she was holding my small hands in hers. and she leaned over so no one in the front could hear. and she gave me her ring. she put it on my finger and told me to keep it, and not tell anyone that she had given it to me.

i don't think i ever looked up at her. i continued staring at her hands. i'm not sure if it was because i was nervous, or scared. or what.

her hands looked so much like my dad's hands. the knuckles. something about them.

and as trite as it sounds, hands really are so revealing. they do so much. they see so much. it's like that kleenex commercial, where at the end, she finally stops touching everything and says, "feel". i dunno...

anyway, last night pratt was asleep. and i was leaning over him watching him sleep. and his little hands were up above his head, all balled up into fists. i took one of them and unwrapped his fingers.

and i remembered gross. and i remembered my granny. and i realized that those little hands will see and do so much. i wonder where they will work. i wonder who they will comfort. i wonder what he will feel, what he will experience. i wonder about it all.

my hope is that they will change the world. yeah, it's a lofty goal. but as paul lowe said at our high school graduation, "shoot for the moon. even if you miss, you will land among the stars."

first step.

i figured out what's so hard about my new job.

it's that every single thing i do, involves a selflessness that i've rarely had to put forth before now.

getting a pedicure, going to the grocery with no list, exercising whenever i feel like it, eating out with friends, going to a movie...

the list could go on and on. i think what's hard for me is that i'm the only one who really has to think about what to do with pratt for any of those things to happen.

i can't really take him to get a pedicure. i can't go to the grocery store and just have 2 hours to spare...mindless wandering up each and every aisle. i can't exercise at 6 am without figuring out what to do with him. i can't just go eat out without thinking of who can keep him.

it's that for the first time in my life, i've had to make changes in my life, alone. yes, there are other people in my life...but i'm the only one who is really aware of what all this means. just me.

this may seem really selfish. and it is. i won't deny that. and i guess that's what makes this so difficult for me.

this has all reminded me of something so much bigger than myself.

Jesus. and His selflessness.

He makes it look easy. and again...as so often it happens, i'm reminded of His gift to me and how i fail so often to change my life. and i let Him be the one who makes the sacrifice. and i stay in my comfort zone. and wait on another opportunity. wait on something easier to come along.

i let Him do it without me. i let Him do it alone.

sounds so familiar.

of course, i'll get through it. it's just something i realized. and need to admit it. because admittance is the first step...right?

hiccups.

this is a video of pratt with hiccups. he had them in the womb...and he has them pretty much every single day.

his grandparents are probably the only people that will enjoy this. and sugar.

please excuse the baby voice on my part. it's bad...but he seems to really dig it :)

anger.

we've moved. and this morning, i was driving to the grocery and passed a confederate flag flying high on a farm down from our house.

this is new. i'm assuming that it was put up because of the election.

come.on.people! seriously? are you kidding me. i'm so angry. so, so very angry.

maybe this is happening in maumelle. i don't know. it doesn't really matter. what matters is that it is happening.

i don't care if you like obama or not, surely it's evident that something new has happened. that change has already occured. that a black person was elected as president of the united states. that for the first time, parents all over this nation can tuck their children into bed and say, "yes, you too can be president of the united states." think about that for a minute. if you're white, it doesn't mean anything. i know. because that comes with being white. but being black...no, not just being black...being ANYTHING other than a white male...that is a totally new concept.

i was raised seeing color. we all are. even if we try not to.

but i was also raised being aware of the injustice that has happened in this country, and on a much larger scale...in our world.

i can remember going to the holocaust museum in washington dc. i can remember the wall of shoes. wall. yes, like three stories of the museum, filled with shoes from those that lost their lives. i was young when we went. maybe 11 or 12. but it didn't matter. i can close my eyes and see those faces. see those beds where they were forced to sleep. see the shower heads. all of it.

i have never understood slavery. never been able to wrap my mind around it. i cannot understand how anyone thought that it was acceptable. i like to think that had i been alive at the time, i would have had a problem with it. i would have been the one to stand up and argue.

and so to see a flag that to me, symbolizes just that...it's heartbreaking. absolutely heartbreaking. and i don't want to hear that it symbolizes anything else. not today. not in 2008 right after we elect a black president. it's not anything more than

i'd like to walk around and believe that people are better than that. and that there are only a handful of families who hang confederate flags. but i know i'm wrong.

my sister is a fourth grade teacher in a small, rural school district. mostly white kids. she sent and email out to several people yesterday. here is what it said...

I know that Im not the best writer and I also know that this email will not change anyone's mind but I feel that there are some things that need to be said...

I teach 19 kids every day and each and every day I work with children that come from a variety of life styles and homes. These kids are white, black, asian, mexican, wealthy, poor and some are only eating when they are at school- so my point is I see it all. Yesterday we did a lesson on the electoral votes and I tried my best to explain this to my kids (because to be honest I was never taught any of it)...My eyes were opened... I over heard several of my white kids discussing how they won't vote for a black man and their parents hate Obama...

My quiet little black boy sat in the back taking this all in... When I finished the lesson his hand came up slowly and he said " My parents don't really want Obama to win bc there is a chance he will be shot... bc white people don't like him"-

Now, let's all take this in and think what it must feel like to be 10 years old and feel that way... He was born black and he knows for a fact that people dislike him bc of that... Regardless of his parent's or his grandparent's he is now having to sit in a classroom and listen to prejudice white kids discuss his race...

My point is regardless if you voted for McCain or Obama wake up people... it's 2008 we don't have slaves anymore and this world is changing... Just like I told my kids yesterday Barack Obama's mother is just as white as you and I... Just like my 10 year old- he can't help his race...

Putting all politics aside- he won, he is our president, all of you can sit around and complain about how much you hate him for whatever reason, but if we claim we are all devoted christians- let's act like it...

Maybe more people need to work in education and open their eyes to what this world should be like... if we all thought like children our world would be a happier and healthier place....

i will spend the rest of my life teaching pratt about slavery, and the holocaust, and genocide in darfur. he will know all of it. he won't be sheltered. he will never fly a confederate flag. he'll probably hunt therefore he'll probably not agree with me on gun control...

but luckily, he won't ever know a world where a little black boy sits in the back of a classroom and worries that a black man will get shot simply because he's running for president.

i hope that we prove that little boy wrong.

i hope that his parents can enjoy the next four years.

i hope that he knows that not all of america is as racist as his small town.

raising pratt.

so we're dealing with a little bit of cradle cap. if you haven't dealt with this...consider yourself lucky. it's funky. it's a dry scalp which flakes off. and again...it's my fault.

i mean, it's supposedly because of the woman's hormones. of course, it is. what isn't? baby acne, cradle cap...the list goes on and on...

anyway, i've been putting apricot oil on his head and brushing off the loose skin. i took this picture to document it.

after taking it, i couldn't help but notice that he looks like he belongs to h.i. and edwina from raising arizona. maybe it's the oily hair. something about it screams, "turn to the left!"

either that...or maybe he looks like cousin eddie's kid from national lampoon's vacation.

poor pratt. he doesn't stand a chance...

change.

dear pratt,

tonight barack obama was elected president of the united states. i am so proud.

i hope that the world you grow up in is different from the one i have lived in for 29 years. my prayer is that this might change the way so many people think and feel...even if it takes baby steps.

you are asleep right now. i want to wake you...but sleep is too precious around here.

poppy says he hopes you have some warm clothes because you're going to the inauguration in january!

may god bless obama and his family. and the united states.

we have a long way to go.

love, mom.

i get it.

i saw anne pressley's parents on the today show this morning. her mom was talking about how she found anne early that monday morning. she said that she went through the house calling for her, and then found her.

i cannot imagine what she must have seen. what she must have felt.

when i was pregnant, someone told me that after i had pratt, i'd see the world in a completely different way. i'd see it as a mother. i'd see my own child in every child...and i'd see myself in every mother.

it is so true.

this morning, as i heard her talking about finding her daughter...i shuddered. tears just sprang from my eyes. granted, i cry a lot now. i've always been a crier...but pretty much anything can put me over the top now. still...i sat there, hurting.

i was holding pratt and couldn't help but squeeze him a little tighter. and i held him a little longer. whispered to him. reminded him of how much he is loved.

i know that he'll grow up one day. and i know that he'll have his feelings hurt. and that there is no way for me to protect him for the rest of his life. but i'll try. i'll do whatever i can. it hurts me to think that one day, his heart will break. maybe over a girl. maybe over some silly toy in walmart that he wants and that i refuse to get.

i'll do my best now to meet his every need. i'll do my best now to make sure that i love him. that he knows i love him.

my parents have always said that with spencer and me...they didn't always know how to handle every situation. they didn't always know the "right" thing to do. they just did what they felt was best for me, for that situation. and they hoped that it was the best thing.

i understand this now. i understand not knowing. i understand the danger, but the absolute necessity in guessing. i get it.

i get it. and i'm living it. and it's scary.

worth a thousand words...

pratt and sugar.

this might be my favorite picture ever. of her and of him.