he came in the room behind me, and before i knew it, pressed an "i voted" sticker on me. over my shoulder, right onto my breast. he said, "i brought one back for you." and then pointed at the one on his own chest.
me, the 21 year old hannah, uttered "thank you" because i was taught to respect my elders.
that night i told my best friend whitney.
after telling her what happened, i said, "maybe i said something? maybe i insinuated in some way that that was okay? right? maybe it's my fault."
i will never forget her response.
i will never forget her anger and her disgust. and her persistence that it was absolutely not anything i had done.
i contacted my parents. they contacted an attorney.
upon meeting with the attorney, i realized things had been leading to this place for a while.
there had been an inappropriate note sent to me by him months before.
i had received compliments that made me uncomfortable.
all these things.
all these things to this 21 year old version of myself.
the 21 year old who had no idea how to handle any of it.
i was quickly moved out of that department and into another.
my new boss apologized.
i was told by multiple people that i wasn't the first one.
there had been more.
and that is why no questions were asked.
that is why they so quickly moved me down 2 floors.
for years i regretted not saying something the first time something happened. the first time he made a comment about my looks. i hated myself because i thought i could have stopped it. i should have stopped it. and maybe my silence allowed it.
maybe my silence was a permission slip.
lots of therapy, lots of years, lots of reading and lots of forgiveness for myself...i now know it was NOT my fault. it had nothing to do with me. it could have...and did happen to multiple other people.
so you can imagine how the words of our now President..."grab them by the pussy, you can do anything", those words. you can imagine how those words shook me to my core. and took me back. 15 years ago. to that small, frightened shell of a person i once was.
what i experienced is minute in comparison to what so many other women experience every single day. so don't misunderstand me here. i'm not asking for anything...i'm just giving you my past so you know where i'm coming from.
i refrained from saying anything about all that when the Trump story came out.
maybe because i wasn't ready.
maybe because i wasn't able.
maybe because i didn't think he was really a viable choice.
but here we are.
here he is.
the President of the United States of America.
it might as well be my former boss.
it has taken me a few days to put into words how i am feeling.
yesterday i was raw, exposed. like that pink skin on a fresh cut...the skin that will bleed if you touch it.
i cried a lot yesterday.
i cried for all my friends who have been disrespected by him.
i am a dreamer and that is something i have realized about myself these past few months. i want fairness and justice for all people. that's just how i was raised. i was raised to always think about others first. always. i was taught early on to put myself in someone else's shoes...and walk around. that is why this hurts me so much. i have an uncanny ability to feel the pain of others. and so i am full of fear and sadness and worry. not so much for me...but for so many i love.
i think Trump's message was one of hate and exclusion to anyone that didn't look like him. and because of this, i couldn't get behind it. TO ME, getting behind it, meant AGREEING WITH IT.
i joke about being a yellow dog democrat, but i'm not serious. if Trump had been on that ticket with a D beside his name, i wouldn't have voted for him. i am not perfect, i am self centered...and because of this, i just thought so many people would do the same. so many people (so many of the people i call friends) would vote a third party. because a vote for him, TO ME, meant you agreed with his message.
it meant a vote against minorities. against the LGBTQ community. against women. it was a vote to MAKE AMERICA WHITE AGAIN. and to disregard the needs of your neighbor.
to me, there was so much self-centeredness in his message. and i spend a good bit of time trying to teach my boys that is not the way. that is not the path we take. i spend so much time teaching them the flaw in that message.
and so i woke yesterday morning feeling cheated and hurt and abandoned. silly? maybe. but they are my feelings. and very real to me.
my friend Laura Shachmut posted something on FB that saved me yesterday morning.
she said...
even if Trump wins, I will still stand up for those he threatens. I will continue to support the LGBT community because their love, marriages, and families are every bit as valid as my own. I will stand up for our immigrant students who are afraid of losing their parents. I will support our Muslim friends who are scared of facing more prejudices than they do already. I will continue to tell my daughters that they can be and do anything, and that they deserve to be treated fairly and with respect in every aspect of their lives. I will continue to teach my kids that bullying is never ok. We will do for those less fortunate than us and live our lives with empathy. And these are things I can do no matter who sits in the white house - because these things are really important. And if we end up with a president that I feel can't be a role model for my kids, I guess I'll just have to make sure they're watching me instead.
so when Pratt woke and asked me who won, his response was basically that he had seen the commercials and he knew what he had said. and now...now he was our President.
and i was quick to remind him that we have all said things we regretted. and that we all need forgiveness. i told him that we wouldn't judge...but that if he needed someone to watch, someone to look up to, he had someone good as gold just a few feet away EVERY SINGLE DAY.
his daddy.
his daddy who told me,
keep in mind he is not the first questionable person to ever hold office. it's easy to think that we are living in a purely unique time, experiencing challenges for the first time. i'm certain that generation after generation has felt the same way. just remember that the most important vote we cast is our vote of personal attitude and action. as long as we focus on being more kind, loving individuals, the things we cannot control will work themselves out. and we will live a happier and more meaningful existence in the process.
and so here i am. licking my wounds. trying to listen more than i speak. trying to forgive and forget. trying to see the good in so much bad. trying to remember that this is all gonna be okay. that the sun came up today. that the stars will come out tonight.
that the Jesus i know loves me. and my tender heart.
and i know that love wins.
i do.
i really do.
