relevant numbers.

• 1 - the number of bowling balls i feel like i'm carrying around.
• 2 - the number of toilet paper rolls i go through during a good week.
• 3 - the number of miles i walk in the mornings...dripping sweat all the way.
• 4 - the average number of hours i sleep during the night.
• 5 - the number of times i get out of bed at night to urinate.
• 6 - the number of commercials i saw for the "peticure" while up from 230 am to 5 am.
• 7 - the number of weeks to go.
• 8 - the number of clothing items left in my closet that are wearable/comfortable.
• a horrible number that is no longer part of my vocabulary. see "28 week visit".
• 10 - the number of glasses of water i drink during the day.

the box.

when i was little, my parents began writing me letters. i received these letters randomly and at "typical" letter times...like birthdays, special events, etc.

anyone who has ever lived with me knows about "the box". it's an old box that holds my most valuable possessions...these letters i've accumulated over my 28 years. my dad jokes that now trying to write me something is intimidating because he knows that it will find its way into the box...and will be read and re-read multiple times.

when clint first cleaned out the baby's room, it was nearly empty in there. the futon was left. but other than that, it was empty. for some reason, i got out the box and began reading letters from clint, my parents, my sister, friends...those who i haven't seen or spoken to in years...and those who i speak to every single day..., and one letter that was left on my book in the student center at ouachita one late night when i was studying for a neuropsychology exam. it was from a boy. i'm not sure who. but it was special to me. had a bible verse written on it. and i've kept it.

i rarely throw anything away. just ask clint. when we were in organic chemistry together. 1999, i think. one day, clint tore a heart out of the brown paper towels that are used in the lab. nothing fancy. just something that was once a paper towel...he made a heart out of it...and left it at my station.

i kept it. we weren't dating. he was a friend. but i kept it. maybe because dr. knight had said we'd eventually get married...and deep down i knew. or maybe because that was totally clint. to leave something like that with me. like the time he made the highest score on the organic test...and when dr. jeffers announced it in class, he looked over at me...to make sure i heard it. and he just smiled. for whatever reason...i kept it in my box.

anyway...lindsey used to say that when i got the box out, it was best for everyone to leave me alone. because it wasn't going to be pretty. i would soon be in tears. crying.

it's still that way. now, it's actually worse than ever. i read some of the things my parents have written...about how one day i'll understand their actions...their feelings...because one day i'll have children of my own and i'll know what it's like to have my emotions spinning out of control. and i'll know what it's like to do the best i can...but not have all the answers. it all rings so true now.

so much of those letters are memorized. that's how often i've read them. you know, it's one of the things i would grab in case of a fire. i'm not sure what i'd do if i lost all those notes.

i think that my love of words...and literature...and everything that goes along with it...comes from this. started here. began when i would accumulate things written to me, for me...by those i love dearly. and so when someone sent me j.k. rowling's graduation speech for harvard grads...it didn't surprise me that i loved it. read it twice...and it's long. wanted to print it off..highlight it. call mrs. kirtley to analyze every single line.

here are some of my favorite parts. i hope you enjoy...

"You might never fail on the scale I did, but some failure in life is
inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something,
unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at
all - in which case, you fail by default.

Failure gave me an inner security that I had never attained by passing
examinations. Failure taught me things about myself that I could have
learned no other way. I discovered that I had a strong will, and more
discipline than I had suspected; I also found out that I had friends
whose value was truly above the price of rubies.

If you choose to use your status and influence to raise your voice on
behalf of those who have no voice; if you choose to identify not only
with the powerful, but with the powerless; if you retain the ability to
imagine yourself into the lives of those who do not have your
advantages, then it will not only be your proud families who celebrate
your existence, but thousands and millions of people whose reality you
have helped change. We do not need magic to change the world, we carry
all the power we need inside ourselves already: we have the power to
imagine better."

i forwarded this to several people. my dad wrote back and said the last part reminded him of what rudyard kipling said a hundred years ago...which was...(this isn't the entire poem)

"if you can make one heap of all your winnings
and risk it all on one turn of pitch and toss
and lose, and start again at your beginnings
and never breath a word about your loss

if you can dream, and not make dreams your master
if you can think, and not make thoughts your aim
if you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
and treat those two imposters just the same

if you can fill the unforgiving moment
with sixty seconds’ worth of distance run
yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it
and, which is more, you’ll be a Man, my son"

what wonderful words. enjoy your days.

service.

so i've thought alot about what i don't want to do as a parent. you know...take the kids to the grocery store in swimsuits and linger by the dairy aisle so that they freeze to death because they're stuck on a cold, metal buggy seat. and the worst...lick my finger and then wipe off their face. yuck. i promise that i will never, ever do this. it's so gross. my kids don't want my slobber on their face. and if you think about it...i don't think that's very clean. although clint's slobber might be cleaner...because it is a fact that his breath has never stunk. seriously. it hasn't. maybe it's a secret they learn in dental school.

back to what i was initially blogging about...things i don't want to do. yeah...i've thought alot about those things. but today in church, i started thinking about what i do want to do. the sermon was about service. our church just had vacation bible school and this was the topic for the kids. so our preacher was talking about how he asked kids about different areas of service.

he asked them about serving their parents...and one child said that he saw how his mom and dad helped each other...and that he learned from that.

this hit me like a ton of bricks. it's frightening to stop and think about the modeling we're going to provide for this child. i know that i learned to respect my parents from the respect that they gave to each other. i know that i saw how my dad treated my mother...and in return, i treated her that way. same goes for the way she treated him.

just yesterday we were in walmart and clint asked me if we had eggs. i said, "yes, we have about five of them left." he said something about getting more...and i said, "well, you know, they expire, so why don't we use the ones we have before we buy more." his response, (and this is not made up), "eggs expire?!" i made some smarty pants comment and then said..."and when's the last time you used eggs?" this just started our "argument". him telling me that he wants eggs available if he chooses to use them...and me telling him that we are being wasteful if we buy more eggs that will only expire before we get to them. his response, "well, maybe you will use them when you bake a cake."

i thought that was hilarious. because he knows how much i love to bake cakes and cookies and pies. but long road to a small house...had a child been with us yesterday, would they have seen something different? it wasn't a fight. it was...um...friendly banter. neither of us had our feelings hurt about it. we didn't yell or raise our voices. but if you didn't know us...it might have looked that way.

and i don't want to do that. and...i jokingly say "shut up" wayyy too much. i'll totally have to stop that.

one thing that clint said a while back was that his only wish for this child was for him to be kind. and so "service to the community" is going to be so important for that. one child said that she knows how to be kind to her neighbor because she sees her mom make food when others are sick...and then take things over to their home. this is totally my mother.

and helping with the elderly population. or feeding those in need at soup kitchens or homeless shelters. all those things that i want this child to do.

and it's good. it will be so good for us. because clint is so much better at these things than i am. but it will be good for me...good for me to be a role model for this child. i'm excited about that. really, really excited.

32 weeks.

perfect.

so i went today for my 32 week visit. my mom got to go with me so it was extra special.

the baby still isn't being very cooperative about showing us his face. he kept his hands up the entire time...and he stuck his tongue out at us. so, i think he gets the old modesty gene from his mom.

everything else looks good. per doctor...my weight gain this month was "perfect". yes, that was an exact quote. made my day, week, month...possibly year.

the baby weighs 4 pounds, 5 ounces. at 32 weeks, the "average" weight is 3.75 pounds. so he's measuring near 33 weeks which is 4.23 pounds. he'll supposedly gain 2 pounds in the last month...and possibly one pound from 32 weeks to 36 weeks. that puts him around 7 pounds 5 ounces when he's born.

and for the record, after rubbing on my belly this weekend, summer claimed he would be 7 pounds, 9 ounces when he's born. she might be right...

thanks for going with me mom. sorry all you got to see were his hands. and his tongue...for a split second. :)

things to remember...part whatever.

1. i no longer bend down to pick anything up. if it falls, and i'm unable to lift it with my toes, it's staying on the ground. until clint gets to it. and then i just blame it on yoda.

2. i am able to manuever the car door just right so that when i get in the car, i swing it out just a little so it has enough momentum to come back and close on it's own. otherwise, i'd drive everywhere with a door wide open. again, it's hard to bend forward.

3. i'm hot at all times. i can break a sweat just sitting in the recliner. with a fan blowing on me. it's like magic.

4. the soles of my feet hurt in the middle of the night when i get up to void. they're soft and puffy. and they hurt to walk on.

5. i'm drinking more and more water each day. i crave it. cold water. with ice cubes that have almost completely melted to nothing.

6. i'm too hot for my cotton robe when i get ready. this is a first. probably the first time since i was a kid that i'm unable to wear a robe. i hate being naked...well, usually. now it's either...be naked or be hot. i choose naked.

7. clint asked me to "please scoot over" last night in bed. i took this to insinuate that i'm big and taking up too much bed. i almost suffocated him with my pillow. i think he was joking...but i'm not sure.

8. i've stopped checking the mail. the 20 feet to the mailbox is just too much in the hot, hot sun. the 3 miles i walk in the morning...that's all i can handle.

9. i have severe acid reflux. severe. when i was a kid, i'd fake a tummy ache to try to sleep with my parents. it never worked. but i'd go in there, over to my dad's side of the bed...and tell him i didn't feel good. he'd give me a rolaid and tell me to go back to bed. i'd walk back to my room, toss the rolaid over the back of my white daybed...and fall asleep eventually. years later when we moved my bed, we found hundreds of rolaids back there. i'd give my right arm for some of them now.

10. and on a good note...i'm healthy. and as my dad says, if you have your health...you're lucky. because without it...life gets pretty bad...pretty quickly. so i'm thankful for that. i am doing really well. besides the complaints about not being able to sleep and everything else, i'm quite well.

homesick.

when i was a kid, i couldn't spend the night with anyone because i got so homesick. i was fine until everyone started unrolling their sleeping bags...then i was done. i was on the phone to my parents...and once they said they were coming to get me...i was golden. perfect. absolutely fabulous. there were only like three places i could actually stay without just completely melting down. i'm the first to admit it...i had lots and lots of problems. had, have. whatever.

it's not changed. i'm homesick right now. at 1228 am...saturday morning, as i type this...i'm homesick.

what has changed is my home. it's no longer the place where my parents live.

it's where clint and i live. where my bed is. where my pillows are. it's there. that's home.

and right now, i can't sleep because i miss it.

childbirth class.

we had our last childbirth class last night. when we first signed up, i was convinced that i couldn't really learn anything else. i've read/heard/seen so much...but thought we should do it anyway.

i'm so glad we did. more than anything else, it was nice to be with clint during the 2.5 hours. he's so funny...and sometimes i get so used to his humor, that i take it for granted. the teacher is going over a list of things to be sure and include in the "hospital overnight bag". she says something about how there is no reason to take anything fancy because you're going more for comfort. to the entire class, clint looks at me and says, "so we should leave the cowboy boots at home." the teacher thought he was serious and kind of goes, "um...yeah. you won't need those."

i just fell out laughing. do they even make cowboy boots that small?

we're shown this video of a real birth. and the woman is completely naked. like no top. she's just naked as a jay bird. it was totally disturbing to me. and apparently to clint (and all the other guys too). after the video is over, clint raises his hand and says, "is it necessary to be completely naked?" everyone laughed...because i think we were all thinking the same thing. i'm about 98% positive that i won't be taking my top off...no matter how hot i get.

as we were going over breathing techniques, he sat behind me and rubbed my back.

i am very lucky. last night was one of those nights when i got home and just thanked God for all that He has given me. i don't deserve any of it.

31 weeks.

me, yoda and the baby. ace is at my feet. these days he doesn't get too far away from me. i think he knows i need extra protection.

thinking.

more than ever before, i've been thinking about what it means to be a mother.

clint woke up this morning around 330. if he barely moves, i'm wide awake. i'm not sure if this is because so much is going on in our lives or what...but i'm constantly worried about him. worried that he's okay. worried that he's unable to sleep. worried that he's worried.

so after he fell back asleep, i was wide awake. i layed there for a long, long time just looking at him. and wondering if i would have believed someone who would have told me when i was 18 years old that in 10 years...i would be married and have a baby on the way. i know that 28 seems old...but i don't really feel old. just yesterday, i wondered if i had to give up rap music when the baby gets here. probably so...

my dad jokes that when spencer and i would walk through the front door, the first thing that would come out of our mouths would be "mom!". we always called for her. always wanted to know if she was there...and if she wasn't...where she was. i can remember when we were little there being times when we'd go downstairs and ask him where she was. he would say (on more than one occasion), "well, ya'll were so bad that she's run off to new york city". even though i knew that most likely she was running errands...there was always a fear associated with her being gone.

i guess that's because deep down i knew that my life would completely change if she really had run away. i'm not sure how we would have survived. my dad refuses to go into grocery stores...something about the grocery carts making him nervous. :) if you know him...this makes complete sense. and we probably would have eaten every meal from popeyes or sonic. or arbys.

i was flipping out the other day to my parents and clint about how little i know about babies. i made the comment that i don't even know how to put them down to sleep. do they sleep on their sides or on their backs? what if they throw up? then what happens? oh my gosh...

my dad said something about..."well, that's why your mom is going to come up and help you." and she laughed and said, "yes...and hannah, i didn't know any of that either. you just wing that kind of stuff. you learn as you go."

that is so frightening to me. learn as you go. whatever. i'm not that kind of person. i need order. i need instructions. i need a list. i'm convinced that everyone should have to go through a class in high school...and again in college...on "how to be a parent".

we had this class at ouachita where we had to learn about the library. i think. it was actually so boring..that i can't even remember what it was called. anyway...it was pointless. but everyone had to take it. i think that it would have been much better for everyone to have been forced to take a parenting class...as opposed to this. at least that way, i would know how to lay a baby down. the dewey decimal system is useless to me at this point.

anyway. i take for granted what my mother is to me, my sister and my dad. and everyone around her. she's not just a "mom" to us...she's a "mom" to many.

i hope that one day, i'm as good at that job as she is.

30 week update

just stuff to remember. because i'll inevitably forget.

one. i can feel this baby kick all the time. when i roll over on my side, he goes crazy. think billy blanks in taebo. like that exercise where you act like you're hitting the little bag. that's how it feels.

two. i've been walking with my friend natalie. early in the morning before it's unbearable to be outside. it's really nice. with one exception. my fingers get so, so swollen. remember that scene in beetlejuice where they're at the table singing..."daylight come and me want go home...six foot, seven foot, eight foot, punch!"? there's that guy named otho. he's chubby. and at one point the shrimp on his plate come up and grab his face. like fingers. that's how fat my fingers get while walking...they look just like those shrimp. they're so chubby that when we get done, i can't grasp anything. my hands won't close.

three. i bet i void four times every hour. seriously.

four. it's impossible for me to get up out of bed without rolling over to my side and then pushing myself up off the bed. i can no longer just sit up from a laying down position.

five. nancy got us a great glider with an ottoman. i love sitting in it and gliding. and as much i didn't think i'd ever say this...i do enjoy the tv clint left in the baby's room. it will be nice when i'm up late at night.

six. i've already started getting labels ready for birth announcements. i figured it'd be easiest to do this now because once the baby gets here, i'll have little time. so i'm putting addresses on labels so then i can just stick them on the envelopes. i'm thinking that we'll do an announcement/christmas card all in one.

that's all for now. i'm really enjoying this part. i feel so close...but know that i still have a ways to go.

i was in hobby lobby today and saw all the fall/autumn decorations. i love fall. i love the weather. the color of the trees. i realized that when it gets here...the baby will be here. i was completely overwhelmed.

our lives are about to completely and totally change.

i think i can honestly say that neither of us could be more excited.

first try at a 3d picture...

so we went in on july 3rd for a 3d ultrasound.

however...the baby did not cooperate...and neither did my placenta. the baby kept his arms up at his face for the first half of the hour. being from camden, i'd like to think that maybe he was being true to mom's hometown and throwing some gang signs...maybe giving a shout out to craig...saying something about "them are 20's...no, they're really 10's but i keep em clean"

anyway....once he moved his hands/arms...my placenta was right in front of his face. so when the swoop of the machine occured...it got placenta and face. we got small glimpes here and there...but nothing perfect.

trust me...we tried everything. the ultrasound tech basically laid the table back to where i was pretty much standing on my head. and then she had me laying on my sides..my stomach...my back...all in an attempt to "have gravity take hold". it never did.

here is the one picture we got that you can semi see anything. the night we got it done, clint was looking at it. he was in the kitchen...and i was in the living room...and he said, "is it just me, hannah...or is this the cutest kid you've ever seen?"

we go back in two weeks, and she'll try again for a better picture. if we get one, i'll post it.

we had our first childbirth class last night. what an adventure. i'll just leave it at that. :)

my life.

clint came home for lunch. which means we're watching espn. and there was a commercial for pizza hut. and they have something new....

they are hershey's dipping dessert sticks. oh my goodness. i'm going to trick clint into ordering a pizza tonight...and then "act" like we just received a free order of these...:)

there is no way he'll fall for it. but seriously...do those not look so good? i didn't think they could top cinnasticks...but i'm pretty sure they have...

monogramming..

i love monogrammed things. anything with initials, names, etc.

this probably started when i was a kid. i would use paint pens on everything. my phone, my caboodle, my bookbag. everything.

and having a baby...makes this obsession even greater.

so i have to show some of the things we've received that are monogrammed.

tanna's sweet little bathrobe for baby fulks.

a very, very soft blanket from nancy.

a gown for the baby. it's one of those great ones that has a drawstring at the bottom. this is from debbie reynolds and neelie. it's so soft and sweet. i cannot wait to see him in it!

and this is a robe that matches the baby's gown. mine says, "pratt's mom". and there's a nightgown too. the material is so soft. thank you again debbie! i love them!

happy july fourth

because he looks so cute in his linen shirt and seersucker shorts...and i don't want to forget it.

i'm there.

so everyone has been waiting on my first neurotic breakdown.

here it is.

we went to get our 3d ultrasound today. so the baby has his arms/hands in front of his face most of the time. yes, for like 30 minutes. and my placenta is in the way. so the whole "sweep" motion...well, it's not working out. we got one good picture...but you can't really tell anything. although clint is convinced that based on what he saw, the baby has my nose and my chin. he has looked at the picture so many times. it's really, really sweet.

anyway...on to the neurotic behavior. (moreso than normal or average)

the baby is weighing in at 3 pounds. but i'm only 29 weeks. so the woman doing the ultrasound tells us that this means he's above the 50% percentile. so i immediately start worrying. and i decide then and there...on the ultrasound table...that my nine pound weight gain last month is the reason that i've made this child chubby.

then she tells us that his legs are long. they're measuring at like 31 weeks. what. ev. there is no way that clint and i are having a child with long legs. that is impossible.

he's measuring at like 30 weeks. but he's not 30 weeks. he's 29. and we've been told over and over and over again that the later in the pregnancy...the measurements are off. and they're less reliable.

so now...i'm here alone...and i've searched the internet...and i'm convinced (after reading lots and lots of journal articles on uams' website) that my nine pound gain is the reason for this child measuring in at 30 weeks.

i'm starving. and want a bbq sandwich. but instead, i've had an orange. and some ice chips. oh...and my vitamin and iron pill.

i feel guilty. whitney said this would happen. she said that once you have a child, you begin to feel guilt. it's working....he's not even here...and i'm feeling guilty.

i can feel kicks...or maybe they're punches...this child is hungry. and i know the feeling....oh, do i know the feeling...