open house.

this morning before preschool open house, we met the girls (and cole) for donuts.

and yes, that's a ditty in his hand.







he inherited a fear of clowns from me. can you see the nervousness in his face?




he met ms. Karen and ms. Liz. And loved it all. Asked if he could go "all days".








miss Kimber watched max. because she wanted to "love on him". have I mentioned how blessed we are with our church family?



then we had a playdate with friends. so blessed.



all in all, a great day!

Kansas.

there is no place like home.













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outside.

We spend 80% of our time outside. Soooooo glad we live where we do. Where we have space and sky and lots of critters.

normal.

so i haven't really updated since i started taking my medicine.  i feel like i need to.  just on the off chance that one person sees it, and goes and asks for help.

let me start by saying that i'm still me.

wait.  i'm not "still" me.

but i am FINALLY me.

i still cry when something sad happens.  i still laugh and (almost) pee my pants when something funny happens.

but the bad days...the bad days seem fewer and further between.  the afternoons don't seem to drag on quite so bad. i'm not crying in the shower.  i'm not wishing for someone else's life.  i'm not begging God to take me home.  yes.  i was there.  there were days when i just wanted to be anywhere but here.

i know.  that's a big statement.  but it's true.  i'm ashamed of it.  because i feel like my life is so damn easy.  and that  someone with cancer should be the one to say that.  someone who is really fighting their demons.  someone who is really dealing with something heavy.

but that's part of this whole thing. i have the right to be that person.  i can own that.  and so i do.  i do own that.  for whatever reason, it's been a struggle to see my many blessings lately.

i was to the point where i dreaded the 2 to 6 pm shift.  because it felt like it dragged on.  and like it took forever for clint to come home.

max is trying to drop his morning nap...so he's taking a nap around 1.  from 1 to 3.  and i'm dealing with the 3 to 6 shift okay now.

i'm not worried about being alone.  i'm not worried about crying.  or about what we will do for that many hours.  i've found myself really soaking up the time with them.  really watching them.  and appreciating how much they have both changed recently.

if max doesn't nap, i don't freak out.  i don't slam doors.  and get upset with him.  i've found myself walking in his room and smiling at him.  and saying, "okay.  not today, huh?  alright.  let's figure out something else."

that is NOT me.  i get mad.  i get upset.  i want things to go how i think they should.

i'm learning to go with the flow.  i'm learning to accept that i cannot change everything.

my friend carrie gave me a bracelet for my birthday that says, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change."

it's perfect.  and i've worn it everyday.  and i read every time i look at it.  and i pray that prayer.  and i think it seems to be working.

i'm not cured.  i'll deal with this sadness forever, i'm sure.  but i feel lighter.  i feel better.  i feel happier. i feel more normal.

isn't that what we all want?  just to feel normal.

that's all i want.

here comes...

living in my house can be summed up by this:

me: please stop calling your brother a doodie-berry.  i have no idea what that is, but it cannot be nice.  

pratt: oooootay.  can i call him honey boo boo?

pray for me.  and him.  and DHS.

dear max.

dear max,

you might look just like your daddy.  but you are my child, hands down.

you can't walk just yet.  but you love to sit at your little table.  and eat.  and drink.  and be happy.  you can sit here for 35 minutes as long as i keep your plate full.

you say "dank do" when someone hands you something.  i thought this was my imagination, but your nana confirmed it this weekend.  you don't yet say "momma", but that's okay.  because there is an almost 4 year old who says that word enough for you, him, liza and all the babies in russia.

i never knew two children could be so different.  i'm so proud of the little guy you are becoming.  and i remember this as one of my most favorite ages.

i'm blessed to be your momma.

xoxo.

preschool.

I got pratt's preschool letter today. About the first parents meeting. The first day. The tshirts. The meet and greet.
I don't know when it happened.




But he grew up. And I'm so, so sad.





And then there's this 15 month old. Tear, tear.

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birthday.

I had a really awesome birthday today.

My favorite part was that all day long, Pratt wrapped things up for me to open. All in this gigantic tinkerbell bag. He would wrap the gift in tissue paper and then add more tissue paper to the top.





I opened trains. And matchbox cars. I opened stuffed animals. And I even opened some clothes. His own clothes. I loved every gift.

At the end of the day, he found this necklace in am old table of my mothers. He hit the jackpot with it.




Wrapped it in tissue, stuck it in the tinkerbell bag and announced he was most proud of this one because it cost him "ten whole dollars".

I really was surprised by it. I've never seen it before. Apparently it was my great grandmothers. So. If you need lost things found, pratt is your guy.

All in all, it was a wonderful day. I have wonderful friends and family. I'm a very blessed girl.

better.

i was rocking max last night when i looked down and saw something i haven't seen a in a long, long time.

a baby.  a little baby who is completely and totally dependent on me.

he was almost asleep but it was almost like he felt me watching him.  he had finished his bottle.  usually as soon as he finishes it, i put this pacifier in his mouth and put him in the bed.  i'm always afraid that if i tarry, he will wake up and then we will have problems.  i won't be able to do the million and twelve things i need to do before i go to sleep.  so i rush through bedtime.  and rocking him.

but last night...last night, i didn't.

i didn't worry about him waking up too much.  i just sat there and stared at him.  and he stared right back at me.  with the sweetest smile on his face.

he smiled and then closed his eyes.  and held on to my thumb for dear life.

i felt tears sting the backs of my eyes.  because i realized that this is what i have been missing.

all those times clint has gone in and magically gotten max to sleep by rocking him...this is why he did it.  this is HOW he did it.

i was always way too hyped up for it.  my heart was racing.  i was mad.  i just wanted to get on with my life.  do my chores.  etc, etc.

if you've never felt this way, you probably think i'm horrible.

i'm not.  i'm a person who has been dealing with depression for a good chunk of her life.  ppd, most recently.

i've been overwhelmed.  i've been overworked.  i've been too hard on myself.  not giving myself enough credit.

in only 5 days, i can already tell a difference.

i've been slower to anger.  i've tried to be more patient.  i've tried to really be good to these boys of mine.

and don't worry.  i'm still a crier.  pratt's teacher at kdo is leaving this week to become a foster parent.  we took her a gift today that pratt wrapped all by himself.  as she sat there unwrapping it, reading our card, crying....i cried too.  and as i did, i was so happy to be crying.  because i don't want to not cry.  i just don't want to always cry ;)

thank you to all of you who emailed, commented and texted me.  you will never, ever know how normal you have made me feel.  i've said it before, but i'll say it again...this blog has really been a gift from God.  it has kept me sane.  thank you for reading and loving me.  even though sometimes i'm extremely unlovable.

i owe you one.
xoxo.

two things.

It took me a long, long time to figure this out...but I did it.





Max is happy in the car with 2 things: snacks and blues clues on DVD.

That only took 64 week to figure out.


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finally.

so yesterday i finally did it.  i went in to ask for help.

my bad days are far outnumbering my good.  i'm taking 2 to 3 showers a day so i can get in there for 5 minutes and cry without pratt or max seeing me.

the minute the doctor walked in, and smiled at me, i started crying.  he handed me a kleenex and that just made it even worse.

i won't go into details about what was said.  because i know you don't want to hear that.  but one thing i do feel i need to mention was this.

he said, "what do you like to do for fun?"

an innocent question, right?

i couldn't think of a single answer.  not a single freaking answer.

i sat there in silence for what seemed like forever.  and then i said something about how i liked to be with my kids.  and he smiled and said, "something that doesn't have to do with them.  take your time.  think about it.  no hurry."

and i couldn't do it.  i literally could not think of anything.

i'm a mother.    i've lost sight of the wife i'm supposed to be.  the friend i'm supposed to be.  the sister.  the daughter.  etc, etc.

but most importantly, i've lost sight of me.  of hannah.  of the girl who once loved to read.  to cook.  to knit.  to write.  to do sudoku puzzles.

i've had people tell me that i'm stronger than this depression.  and that i don't need medicine.  that i just need to pull myself up by my bootstraps.

that's a lie.  i'm not.  they are giving too much credit.  i'm weak compared to it.  i've done several things in an attempt to make it all better before getting on something.  i've been working out consistently.  eating better.  really spending time in prayer.

and i just can't do it.

and i hate that pratt and max have to grow up and watch me struggle.  i don't want them to worry about me.  worry that i'm gonna flip out.  worry that i won't be able to pull myself together to leave the house.  it's not fair to them.

they deserve more.  so does clint.  and so does everyone else that loves me.

so i started medicine today.  i don't have a big plan to take it forever.  i'll take it as long as i need it.  i'll take it until i don't feel so sad.  so heavy.  so tired.  so broken.

if you feel the same way, i'm praying for you.  it's hard.  really, really hard.  especially in a world where we are supposed to feel sorry for everyone but ourselves.  in a world where we are constantly reminded that so-and-so has it much worse than we do.

listen.  they aren't in my head.  they don't know the things i think.  the thoughts that circulate.  the crap that i sometimes think about myself.  i'm allowed a bad day.  or several.

and so are you.