growing pains.

the other day we were in the car.  i had something i wanted to tell pratt, but didn't want max to hear me.  we were having to drop max off at therapy and i was going to take pratt to pick out some fireworks at the firework stand.  i made the mistake of telling pratt that if he was really nice in the car, and on the drive to little rock, i had a surprise for him when we got there.

that didn't work.  he wanted to know right then.  after denying him over and over again, i finally just said, "pratt.  i am not telling you.  i don't want to hurt max's feelings."

so he said, "well, then whisper it momma.  i'll come up and give you my ear and you can whisper to me.  then he won't hear."

that led to a discussion of why whispering was not appropriate.

and let me tell you.  this isn't the first conversation on that topic.  we've had many.

he knows not to point. and not to whisper.

but he apparently didn't understand why not.

so he says,

"i don't understand what is wrong with whispering."
"well.  if you are whispering to someone you're leaving another person out.  and that's not nice."
 "yes.  but this is a surprise for max.  so that's okay."
 "no.  whispering is never okay.  like if you walked in a room and saw two of your friends whispering, wouldn't you automatically think they might be talking about you!?"
 "what are they saying about me?"
 "well...it could be something mean.  or it might not be.  but you'll never know because they aren't saying it to you."

him...dead serious, straight face,

"why would any of my friends ever say mean things about me?"

when do we lose this?  when do we stop loving each other with a pure, real love?  and why?  why does it happen?

because we get jealous?  because we are envious?  because we can't be happy for other people?

something goes wrong.  way wrong.  and i want to delay it as long as possible with these boys.

this weekend, someone laughed when he fell down and scratched his knee.  i assume he cried when it happened.  and the other child laughed.

he told me about it sunday.  then brought it back up last night when i was putting him to bed.  it really hurt him.  it's a child we know.  we know the child well.  he's not a stranger.  and pratt cannot, for the life of him, figure out why he would laugh.

i tried to tell him that we will never understand that kind of stuff.  but that we just remove ourselves from it.  that life is too short to spend it with people like that.  because he is blessed with such good friends.  ones that would never hurt him.  so he listed off all those people. all the ones that would never hurt him or laugh at his pain.

the list was extensive.  because he is a blessed little boy.

but after the list, we came back to the other kid.  he said, "you know, maybe i should be extra nice to him.  because something must be going on, momma.  that's just not normal."

tears welled up in my eyes.  because yes.  yes, pratt.  yes my child.

while he does things that make me want to pull my hair out.  and while he isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, at this point in his life...he has such a pure heart.

and for that, i am so thankful.

dear boys.

dear boys,

i came across the following quote from bob goff the other day.  and i just had to share it and my thoughts with you two about it.

we won't be like jesus if it's more important to us to be like each other.  

yes!?  right!? are you fist pumping?  or is that not cool anymore?

but seriously.

i just love it.  and all that it means. all that it encompasses.

now.  to discuss wanting to be like other people.  we've talked about that before.  like here. but i want to expand on this idea for a minute.

it's hard.  it's hard not to want to be like someone else.  it's hard not to want to have what other people have.  it's hard not to be jealous.  but the sooner you learn to appreciate your fellow man...your friend...your neighbor, the faster your life takes on real meaning.

when i was in graduate school for my masters, i took several psychology classes.  one of my favorite topics was self-actualization.  it was so intriguing.

look it up and see what you think.  but for a really short, concise, dumbed down definition...then think of it this way.

as a human being, once you have your basic human needs met (like food, shelter, warmth, security, etc) you are free and able to fully realize your potential...and your "true self".  it is "growth motivated more than deficiency motivated".

now.  let's add to that.
here's how i think of it.

when you become self actualized, in my mind...you become more like Jesus.

the characteristics...the traits, you once saw in other people and coveted....that's no longer the case.  you see these things now and you appreciate them.

instead of being jealous, you become proud.
for them.
and of them.

you become a cheerleader for your friends.
and you know what this does?
it makes them happy.
and it makes you happy.

and it creates love in YOU for THEM.
and it creates love in THEM for YOU.

and this is cyclic.

and only good comes out of it.

you are putting love out there.
and it's coming right back to you.  at you.

and i cannot think of a better way to live than fully.  and lovingly.

so when you're tempted to be jealous.  when you're tempted to think you aren't enough, remember that you are.  that you were MADE TO BE ENOUGH.  and all you must do is look around and realize the beauty that exists in people.  and be proud that you're big enough and smart enough to realize this.

life is beautiful.
never forget that.

xoxo,
mommy.

ps. here is a great picture of a pathway to self-actualization.  it's you boys doing some yoga.

corrie.

one of my sister's closest friends is dying.  of cancer.

cancer that started in her breasts and spread to her brain.

she's 35.  with two kids.  ages 4 and 2.  and a husband.  and parents and a sister.  and countless friends.

and as jason isbell says, she's dying alone.  even surrounded by so many who love her, this is all on her.  it's her death.  she's walking it alone.  countless people can be holding on to her physically, but there isn't a damn thing anyone can do for her.  nothing to keep her here.

and so all this talk about death.  and finality, its got me thinking.

as cliche as it sounds...and as cliche as it is, life is short.  and goes by in what seems and feels like the blink of an eye.

we are only here for so long.  before poof.  we're gone.  and everything that was ours is no longer ours.

i've thought so much in the last two days about what i need to learn from this.  i'm at a point in my life where i honest to goodness, attempt to learn from every situation.  because knowledge is power.  and making the same mistake is horrible.  and so i'm trying really, really hard to take in what's around me, and learn from it.  so much so that i can feel it in my bones.

i don't know what else to say.  i'm just looking for some peace through this outlet.

sorry for the depressing post.  pray for corrie.  and her family.

xoxo.