spook city.

A "b.raffe" (giraffe). A cow. And a spider.

And the worlds best dad who carried the horse around all night and never ever ever complained. (the horse would have complained if he could only talk ;)




Adorable kids! They loved spook city!

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boys.

here are a few pictures of the boys.  i hate that i'm not getting as many "real" pictures of them these days.  my phone is always with me.  and i need a new camera.  the one i have is not really all that great.

wait. i retract that statement.  i WANT a new camera.  i don't NEED anything.  i have everything i could ever NEED.

i'm working on this...maybe by the time i'm 100, i'll be content.  hopefully it will be before then.

ps. it's so nutso crazy how max's eyes are totally blue.  and pratt's eyes are totally brown.  genetics.  i never did understand anything past that guy and his peas.  or was it string beans?  i can't remember.  i just know that my undergrad genetics professor was from the dark side.  and she deserved having those blinds all tied up.  but i have NO idea who did that.  nope. none.  no idea.

okay. i'm done.

angel.

today max took a loooong morning nap.  like from 820 until 11.  so pratt and i had time to really play.

so we made bats.  we had seen them at his school.  and i had seen them on pinterest.  so we made them.  he loved it.

i cut them out.  and he hung them.

he was so happy.  he literally loved it.

maybe it being with me.  just the two of us.  i think that's it.  but idk.  it could be lots of things.

he said something that i don't want to forget.  he said, "mom, i'm gonna be really good.  i'm gonna do good now.  i won't ever hit or kick.  or be mean to anyone ever again.  i'm gonna try really hard, mom."

it was the most innocent statement i have ever heard from him.  maybe ever heard from anyone.

i think these things quite often.  but i'm too adult to admit them.  they are my own little thoughts.

but not pratt.  he just flat out told me about it.  how he was gonna try so hard.

i just grabbed him and hugged him.  and told him that i loved that idea.

may i never forget how precious he is.

my little baby.

i love making max's baby food.

like, i've often wondered how much trouble i'd get in for making it in my kitchen and selling it to people.  i know, i know.  big trouble.  but i almost love it that much.

i've already made a list of things to buy for liza kate.  and baby ain't even here yet.

anywho.

so far, i've made edamame.  butternut squash.  carrots.  cauliflower.  broccoli.  green peas.  applesauce.  squash.  sometimes i open the door to the freezer and look in on them.  and smile.  and i'm proud.

maybe i'm overcompensating for HATING nursing.  and only doing it for what...like 2 weeks?  3?  i can't remember.  i just remember crying every single time.  and then when i would stop crying i'd get a message from some weirdo freak that wanted to tell me how horrible i was for not loving every second.

yes.  i'm serious.  like, more than 3.  crazies.

anyway.  back to the food.  i love making it.  and pratt can help.  and max sits in his pretty pink bumbo and just looks on drooling.

but i'm having some problems.  my bananas are never right.  i can't get it the right consistency.  do you have suggestions?  have you had this problem?  what am i doing wrong?

max is good.  he loves the food.  and he takes around 24 to 30 ounces of soy formula every day.  with a fruit in the morning.  and a veggie at lunch.  and both mixed at dinner.

he's in a size 4 diaper.  and 12 month clothes.  he wore a shirt today that was 18 months.  and it might have been a little big.  but not by much.  and it hasn't been washed yet.  so it's probably gonna be perfect once it's washed.

he sits up supported.  but not on his own.

i told clint last night that he's like my own little secret.  no one really knows how great he is.  i think everyone is still afraid he might start screaming at any minute.

but he won't.  at least, he's not going to for me.  he really knows me.  and i love that.  i can catch his eye from across the room and he just beams at me.  it's the stuff dreams are made of.  i love him so much.  and as much as possible, he loves me too.

i'm at that place when i've (almost) forgotten how hard those first few months were.  last night as i was rocking him, i started crying thinking about how unhappy i was.  life was so hard.  a see saw of sorts.  because i knew i was blessed.  he was healthy.  and we were all fine.  but i was at a very dark place.  and i felt guilty for being there.

yet, i had ZERO control over being there.  i couldn't get myself out.  it just took time.  i'm finally out and it feels so good.

but max, he's wonderful.  perfect.  sweet and lovely.  and all things good.  and we are at a place where i feel i can talk him down.  and that's a really, really good place.

wednesday.

pratt had his first scholastic book fair yesterday.

OH MY HEAVENS TO BETSY!!! i literally had to sit on my hands to keep from clapping all day long.   like we walked in that morning and saw it.  and i lost my breath a little.  so did pratt.  he goes, "oh momma!  wook at all those books!!"

i promised him that we would spend as much time as necessary after school was over to pick the perfect book.

so we did just that.  oh, when i went to pick him up, he was still napping.  this was a first.  miss jamie told me that he and another little girl had trouble falling asleep.  so pratt asked if he could be next to her so he could rub her back because that might help her fall asleep.

yes, he did.  he tooootally did.  i do this to him.  and he does it to me.  while i'm on the subject...he asked me the other night if i could be his girlfriend.  bingo. jackpot. yes, please.

they both ended up falling asleep.  sweet, sweet baby.

after about 10 minutes of looking, this is the book he decided on.  they had such a great selection.  and i was a little proud of our personal book collection because we honestly had at least half the books there.  it's like maybe my mom and sister were/are school teachers or something :)

i stood in the parking lot and we read the book.  while max screamed in his car seat.  oh well.  it made pratt happy.   and at this point, one out of two is pretty awesome.  

ah.  now to one of the best pictures of all time.  

max.  isn't that hilarious!? he's totally cracking up.  he had just eaten carrots, banana and squash.  and he was still opening his mouth like a little bird.  but i stopped.  because i honestly don't know what to do with him.  pratt had to be (and still does) forced to eat.

max...nope.  he would eat all day.  he's one hundred percent my kid.  i don't know the amounts as i'm making his food.  which i LOVE to do.  but that's a whole other post.

and another great picture.  pratt in his skivvies.  grilling up some shrimp.  two of the skinniest boys i know.  have i mentioned that clint has lost 14 pounds!? on the cleanse.  yes.  he should do a commercial.

okay.  that's all for now.  happy almost friday!

mr. verbose.

Attached
Reflection
Escargot

Three words that Pratt has used correctly in the past 24 hours.

Idk.

That's all.

I'm gonna pray for his future teachers now. Because he will either be the apple of their eye or their biggest problem.


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moobs for life.

My kid started off life with this picture...





And I didn't think we would ever top it.

But then...I captured this...





And realized immediately that they are neck and neck.

Moobs for life!

Xoxo, the cutest baby EVER.

ree ree.

We don't know who this puppy belongs to. But we've named her "ree ree".

She loves max. Loves to lick his feet. And she loves nothing more than being rubbed on and talked to.

And we love her. There was this one time we were upset with her. She ate Coleman. The hermit crab. Yes. Swallowed him WHOLE. Shell and all. Idk how she's still alive.

Anywho. We love ree ree. With her crooked half underbite and all...



















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bath time.

he has ALWAYS loved the bath.


















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my p.

this morning on our way to church...

wait.  let me start over.

i'm teaching our sunday school class this month.  and you can use the word "teaching" lightly.  i'm leading a discussion.  on francis chan's "forgotten God".  it's a wonderful book.  and if you have a small group that needs a lesson, i highly recommend it.  part of leading this class means that i have to get up much earlier than normal on sunday, make copies, get the room ready, get everyone ready for church, etc.

clint got up with max last night around 4 so that i could sleep.  that way i could get up early and not be completely pooped.  even with the extra 1.5 hours that i got this morning, we were still rushed.  so i wasn't the best mom in getting ready.  i didn't take the time to fully answer pratt's questions early this morning and i think...no, i KNOW i rushed getting him ready.  didn't snuggle up with him.  didn't hug and kiss him and really do what i normally do most days.

so when we were on our way, and he brought this up...all i wanted to do was pull the car over and hug him.  and love on him.

we were just driving down the road.  i can close my eyes and see where we were.  and from the backseat, clint and i hear,

mom, when i was a baby, where was max?


my answer was, i think he was in heaven.  


but i followed it up with, right daddy?


clint said he thought so.  but more than that, max was just not made yet.

so i went on to say that while max wasn't "made" yet, God already knew that he would be pratt's little brother and a member of our family.  and that his spirit was up in heaven...waiting to come down and be put in a body.

pratt accepted that like i had told him something as simple as, "ace is a black and white puppy dog".

no questions asked.

he went on to clarify for us...

so max wasn't made yet.  and he was up in the sky when i was a baby.  but then God made me grow bigger.  and when i got bigger, God went up in the sky and brought max down and then God went right back up in the sky.  that's where he is now.  in the sky.  and max is a baby.


it seemed so clear to him.

as tears crept into my eyes, i looked back and praised him.  on his intelligence.  his kindness.  his faith.

his childlike faith.

something i wish i had more of.

in that moment, i realized something that my friend stacy said so long ago to me about one of her own children.  i complimented coleman on his love for pratt.  on how coleman never babied pratt.  how he never made pratt feel inadequate.  he never made fun of him for his little speech slips.  he never mocked him or laughed at him.  i told her that she and larry had done such a wonderful job parenting him.

and stacy said, "coleman is a wonderful child in spite of larry and me."

i finally get it.  eureka! it hit me like a ton of bricks today.  this morning.

pratt is a good kid in spite of me.  in spite of my many, many, many flaws.  my many shortcomings.

i feel so blessed to be his mom.  i feel such a sense of pride when i look at him.

does he drive me crazy sometimes by testing my limits?
yes.  he absolutely does.

but do i love him more than i love anything else in this world?
yes.  i absolutely do.

the other night before dinner he said the prayer.  and i wish i had had a video camera.  because it went like this...

god is great.  god is good.  thank you for our food.  god bless coleman, and carter.  leyton and jill.  ms. stacy and mr. larry.  god bless mommy and daddy and max and pratt.  please be with all the sick children in the hospitals.  and with scout and ace.  amen.


it was all the sick children in the hospital that got me.

i cried and cried.  and couldn't see my food to eat it.

and so, in this very moment, my prayer for pratt is that he never lose that childlike faith.  that he understand that God is found in doing good, and being kind.  and loving one another.  and may he never forget to pray for the sick children in the hospitals.  and that in doing good, he find real and true happiness.  the kind that can only be found in being loved and most importantly, loving one another.

poor pratt and max.

they have no idea, but i'm gonna be that mom.  the mom that is so incredibly embarrassing because she won't quit taking pictures.  and she won't quit crying.  the mom that has to be carried out of the elementary school because she won't quit peeking in the window of the kindergarten class.

totally and completely.

today we went to the zoo.  i (illegally, i know) packed up a bag of goodies because i planned on eating with clint for lunch at 1.  but thought we could have snacks while we were there.  i forgot water.  of course, i did.  allie saved the day with her capri suns.  thanks again, allie :)

i was sitting at the table, feeding max applesauce when it struck me.  with pratt, i couldn't have done it.  i remember trying to meet allison and several others at the pizza place for lunch.  pratt was probably max's age.  and i was on my way when pratt started crying.  we were minutes from home.  and i still had 30 minutes to go.  i cried the entire way to maumelle.  on two separate occasions i pulled over and called allison.  crying.  telling her that i couldn't make it.

because pratt was crying.  and i was emotional.  and i just wanted to be home.  alone.

times...they are a'changing.  for so many reasons.

the second is so much easier than the first with those kinda things.  you're more relaxed.  you realize that the world won't end with a crying baby (thank you colic).  you realize that your first child MUST get out of the house because you've told him that you will go to the zoo first thing in the morning.

maybe i shouldn't say "you're more relaxed".  maybe it's just me.  i was so uptight with pratt.  so worried.  i had NO idea how to raise a child.  i still don't.  but i realize now that you can make LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS of mistakes and days still go by...and the child will still grow up...and will actually even be a pretty good (great, awesome, fantastic) kid.

for all these reasons, i wish i could move to my sisters house when liza kate arrives.  because i want her to know so many things.  i've thought about these things at night when i'm rocking max to sleep.  like...

i will never, ever, ever mind eating second or last or hours later so that i can hold her.  so that spencer can have a full, warm meal.  and use a knife and fork to eat.  and not worry about dropping pieces of food on her head.  i want spencer to understand this.  like, fully understand and grasp this.  because i never did.  i always feel guilty for someone holding max while i try to eat.  so spencer, if you're reading this...do not feel guilty for me to hold her while you eat. i'm begging you.

i want to come over and hold her so that spencer can take a shower.  and get dressed.  and do her hair.  and not worry about time.  not be so rushed that she doesn't put lotion on her legs.

i want so many things for her.  and i worry that if i don't give them to her, who will?  i'm in the arena, as teddy roosevelt would say.  i'm there.  i know this place well.

and while it's been a difficult three years, i wouldn't change anything.  because i honestly believe that i'm a better mom because of it.  at least, i hope i am.  i still fail.  i still fail quite often.  and i know what it's like to feel lonely...yet be surrounded by so many.

as one of my best friends says, "i'm so lonely, yet never alone."

so spencer, know that my prayer for you this entire pregnancy has been that you don't experience post partum.  and that you don't know what it's like to be so sad that you really do just want to run away.  i have prayed for clear skin, no back fat, and happiness like only sunshine and skittles can bring.

but just in case it ever starts to suck, i'm here.  and i love you.  and it does get better.  and stop listening to what i say about not having two kids.

it's worth it.

totally and completely worth it.

uh, mom...

so pratt has imaginary friends.  or as he calls them, "pretend friends".  they call him on his (cars) cell phone a lot.  they show up in the car with us at the bank when suckers are being passed out.  there's nothing quiiiiiiite like having to ask the bank teller for a sucker for lightening mcqueen and mater.  it's uh...well, a little embarrassing.

today they arrived just in time for us to head to kroger.  we're standing in max's room.  i'm changing his diaper.  and pratt is playing behind me.  and announces,

oh, mom!  wook!  lightening mcqueen and mater are here!  


so yes, i go through the whole,

hi guys!  so glad you could come over.  we're about to head to the grocery.  y'all want to go with us? 


pratt answers for them.  because as pratt says, "the cat gets their tongue", a LOT.

so he told me they did want to go.  so i look back at them (yes, staring at nothing next to pratt.  i'm the best mom ever, dang it) and i say,

okay guys.  well, y'all need to get shoes on if you want to go to kroger.  pratt, you too.  get your shoes on. 


and pratt says (i kid you not; i'm dead serious),

uh, mom....they're cars.  they don't wear shoes.  


oh yeah, that's right!!! because i'm the d.a. here.  i'm the one that's asking them to put shoes on.  what was i thinking!?  and pratt is looking at me like i'm an idiot.  like, "of all the moms...i was given THIS one!!"

i just fell out laughing.  like bent at the waist laughing.  pratt rolled his eyes and walked out of the room.  headed downstairs.  all the while, mumbling about how i asked them to put shoes on.  and how funny he thought that was.  like he had a total convo with these imaginary friends down the stairs at my expense!!!

he's 12.  seriously.  12.

maximilian. five months old.

max's personality has blossomed within the past few days.  and now i remember why i love this age so much.  5 months old.

it's hard to believe he's 5 months old today.  he smiles and laughs.  and belly laughs.  and he watches his brother do everything.  he watches us eat dinner (i think he really wants to eat our food).

and he's teething bad.  i don't remember pratt ever acting fussy while teething.  looking back, i realize that pratt was an odd bird.  so i'm seeing more and more that max is very normal.  i can tell that max just wants to bite down on something because his gum/teeth hurt so much.

he has been pretty stopped up and has had his first real sickness.  we went to see dr. s. yesterday and he just gave us an inhaler due to the wheezing.  no antibiotic and that was good.

he's had butternut squash and cauliflower thus far.  and loved both.  oh, and mashed up banana.  pratt has been the best helper with making his food.  aside from the blending part (he hates the noise), he's helped me wash, dice and steam everything.  such a good big brother.

here are a few pictures.




















and this is pratt and "burnon".  he loves vernon.  so, so much.  vernon is one of those people who immediately takes to kids.  speaks to them first.  pratt sees it, and loves him for it.  we love burnon too.















happy five months to my little max.  hard to believe that he's one month shy of half a year old.  time goes by muuuuuch faster with two kids.  much, much faster.

i love you max.  you have completed our little family.  you're totally different than your brother and i love it.  it's hard to remember what life was like before your arrival.  and i think that's because you were always meant to be here.

xoxo, mommy.

in regards to colic....

someone (i think you're from jacksonville, ar) left a comment on the previous post about a baby with possible colic...and i'm so sorry this is the way i'm doing this...but i don't have your email address but wanted to make sure you got this.  and if anyone else out there has a colicy baby...this is for you too.

okay.  the day max turned 21 days old...it was a thursday.  that night he was up ALL NIGHT LONG.  i'm not exaggerating.  he really was.  he was up screaming all night.  i had no idea what was wrong.  prior to that, he had been snorting when he slept.  he sounded like a little piglet.  he never slept really well.  never a deep sleep.  he was ALWAYS startled with loud noises.  and he was really high maintenance.  but day 21 i remember for a reason.  it literally almost killed me.

that was the day i knew something was wrong.  for several weeks after, i prayed it wasn't colic.  that it was reflux.  we tried several reflux meds and nothing worked.  the worse it got, the more i knew in my heart that it was good old colic.

a book i would highly recommend is "your fussy baby" by dr. marc weissbluth.  and i'm not just saying that because i love him with all my heart.  it's awesome.  and will make you feel normal when you want to put your child down and cry your eyes out.  it will give you comfort.  and make you see the light at the end of the tunnel.

around week 6, that was the climax of it all.  the WORST part.  he was the most fussy then.  and that's research based too.  it says it in the book.

get help at 6 weeks.  like, really help.  looking back, i needed someone to live with me.  or someone to take pratt (my 3 year old) for the week.  AND someone to live with me full time.  so that i could hand max over to them for 30 minutes at a time.

at this point, take the time to lay the baby down and walk out of the room.  it's a boy, right?  leave him in his bed.  and walk outside.  to get the mail.  to smoke a cig.  i don't smoke...but i SWEAR i almost started.  that or the d.rugs.  like, illegal ones.  it's so heartbreaking. you feel like a failure.  and you're so prepared to do a good job because it's your second child.  do you feel this way?  that's how i felt.  like i would know what to do with max.  but i didn't.  because he was sooooo different.

around 8 weeks, it gets wayyy better. you'll notice that he's not as fussy.  he will still be fussy, but NOTHING like before.  you'll almost think you don't want to mention it to anyone because you might jinx it.  you won't.  something changes around 8 weeks.

WAIT A MINUTE.  HOW HAVE I FORGOTTEN!?

get a miracle blanket.  like "the miracle blanket".  get a cream colored one.  i have a blue one and it seems to be smaller.  idk why.  the cream one is the best. it's soft and big.  get it and wrap that baby up.  and see if it doesn't help him sleep.

before i got mine, i would get max asleep and the minute i would put him down, he would wake and i would start crying.  we both would.  the blanket keeps them from hitting themselves in the face.  or having that horrible jumpiness.  the restless leg syndrome of babies.  isn't that what it's like!?

oh...dr. weissbluth says that the word "colic" encompasses so many things.  and i would have to agree.  colic looks different for everyone.  max was "as squirmy as a worm in hot ashes".  i knew as soon as i read that, it was him.  and i knew then that it was colic.  even though i wanted it to be anything but that.

get a good pacifier.  and use it.  and do whatever you have to do to get him to sleep.  with pratt, i would have never let him sleep in a swing.  with max, i would let him sleep with my dogs if it would have made him sleep better.  i didn't care.

8 weeks, you'll see an improvement.  all colicy behavior (or most) will be gone by 4 months.  it's true.  and it will get here before you know it.

BUT you will be left with a baby that is high maintenance.  and getting them on a sleep schedule at or after 4 months is much harder with a post colic baby.  but it's doable.  and there IS LIGHT at the end of the tunnel.  i PROMISE.

max smiles.  and laughs.  and i actually love being around him.  this sounds mean.  but if you have a colicy/fussy baby...you know what i mean by it.  it's hard.  and with my postpartum it was even harder.  i don't think i could do it again.  it was that hard.  and it didn't make me stronger.  just crazier.  if that's possible.

so...get a pacifier.  get a miracle blanket.  get a sound machine.  and get booze.  (not really...but maybe).  and maybe some anxiety meds.  (really.  seriously).  and give it time.

i PROMISE he will get better.  email me at hannahfielderfulks@yahoo.com if you need to talk.  anytime day or night.  i'm here.  and look, see, he's happy here.  it just feels like it took forever.  but it didn't.  time really did fly.

my eyes fill with tears when i think about what you're going through.  i will be praying that he gets better soon.

love, hannah.

BEST DAY EVER.

yes, folks.  YES YES YES YES.

dr. weissbluth read my tweet.  and then he re-tweeted it!!!!

i'm dead serious when i say that the ONLY thing that could be better would be if Jesus himself retweeted something of mine.





good thing twitter didn't exist when i was in lurve with rob thomas.  because if it had, i'd most likely be living in new york city with him.  you know, because i totally would have won him over with my cool tweets.

oh wait.  there WAS that one time i mentioned weed...and willie...and a certain relative.  that's right.  it didn't go well....

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steve jobs.

I don't know why...but I'm so heartbroken. I obviously didn't know him. But I've had his phone, computer and iPad.

And there's simply nothing like it. And my child can do things that are only possible because of his products.

And so my heart hurts.

Cancer sucks. For sure.




Rest in peace.

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