my p.

this morning on our way to church...

wait.  let me start over.

i'm teaching our sunday school class this month.  and you can use the word "teaching" lightly.  i'm leading a discussion.  on francis chan's "forgotten God".  it's a wonderful book.  and if you have a small group that needs a lesson, i highly recommend it.  part of leading this class means that i have to get up much earlier than normal on sunday, make copies, get the room ready, get everyone ready for church, etc.

clint got up with max last night around 4 so that i could sleep.  that way i could get up early and not be completely pooped.  even with the extra 1.5 hours that i got this morning, we were still rushed.  so i wasn't the best mom in getting ready.  i didn't take the time to fully answer pratt's questions early this morning and i think...no, i KNOW i rushed getting him ready.  didn't snuggle up with him.  didn't hug and kiss him and really do what i normally do most days.

so when we were on our way, and he brought this up...all i wanted to do was pull the car over and hug him.  and love on him.

we were just driving down the road.  i can close my eyes and see where we were.  and from the backseat, clint and i hear,

mom, when i was a baby, where was max?


my answer was, i think he was in heaven.  


but i followed it up with, right daddy?


clint said he thought so.  but more than that, max was just not made yet.

so i went on to say that while max wasn't "made" yet, God already knew that he would be pratt's little brother and a member of our family.  and that his spirit was up in heaven...waiting to come down and be put in a body.

pratt accepted that like i had told him something as simple as, "ace is a black and white puppy dog".

no questions asked.

he went on to clarify for us...

so max wasn't made yet.  and he was up in the sky when i was a baby.  but then God made me grow bigger.  and when i got bigger, God went up in the sky and brought max down and then God went right back up in the sky.  that's where he is now.  in the sky.  and max is a baby.


it seemed so clear to him.

as tears crept into my eyes, i looked back and praised him.  on his intelligence.  his kindness.  his faith.

his childlike faith.

something i wish i had more of.

in that moment, i realized something that my friend stacy said so long ago to me about one of her own children.  i complimented coleman on his love for pratt.  on how coleman never babied pratt.  how he never made pratt feel inadequate.  he never made fun of him for his little speech slips.  he never mocked him or laughed at him.  i told her that she and larry had done such a wonderful job parenting him.

and stacy said, "coleman is a wonderful child in spite of larry and me."

i finally get it.  eureka! it hit me like a ton of bricks today.  this morning.

pratt is a good kid in spite of me.  in spite of my many, many, many flaws.  my many shortcomings.

i feel so blessed to be his mom.  i feel such a sense of pride when i look at him.

does he drive me crazy sometimes by testing my limits?
yes.  he absolutely does.

but do i love him more than i love anything else in this world?
yes.  i absolutely do.

the other night before dinner he said the prayer.  and i wish i had had a video camera.  because it went like this...

god is great.  god is good.  thank you for our food.  god bless coleman, and carter.  leyton and jill.  ms. stacy and mr. larry.  god bless mommy and daddy and max and pratt.  please be with all the sick children in the hospitals.  and with scout and ace.  amen.


it was all the sick children in the hospital that got me.

i cried and cried.  and couldn't see my food to eat it.

and so, in this very moment, my prayer for pratt is that he never lose that childlike faith.  that he understand that God is found in doing good, and being kind.  and loving one another.  and may he never forget to pray for the sick children in the hospitals.  and that in doing good, he find real and true happiness.  the kind that can only be found in being loved and most importantly, loving one another.

poor pratt and max.

they have no idea, but i'm gonna be that mom.  the mom that is so incredibly embarrassing because she won't quit taking pictures.  and she won't quit crying.  the mom that has to be carried out of the elementary school because she won't quit peeking in the window of the kindergarten class.