"But i not need you."

449 pm on April 30th...

My 2.5 year old baby says, "I have to go pee, mommy. But I not need you. I do it by myself."

And he did. He got a little bit on his shirt...but still. Talk about a broken heart.












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a chip.

this picture makes me believe that when we become parents, God puts something inside us.  and that something makes us really, truly believe that our children are the most wonderful and beautiful and perfect creatures ever.

perfect in His sight.

as i look at pratt here, and just in general...i see this grown up child.  and i know once the baby gets here, he will grow up even more.  and while that's heartbreaking...it's also a good thing.  because it means we did something right.  we survived.  something...at times, i wasn't sure i could do.

i've always thought clint was pretty.  but i think maybe i didn't realize just how pretty he truly is.  because pratt is absolutely beautiful here.  and to me...he looks exactly like his daddy.

i have so many easter pictures to post.  and so much to update.  but that will be later today.  or this weekend.  today i have my 37 week appointment.  i'll update soon.

have wonderful weekends!

bad weather.

Horrible storms came last night. Horrible. We lost power when 2 gigantic trees fell over off our main road and knocked down numerous power lines.

Our utilities are buried...those leading to us...not so much. It's Tuesday. And I don't think our power will be back on until Thursday. Maybe Friday.

Here is a picture of the cloud that came last night. The bottom part was swirling around. My white county husband isn't scared of anything so he stood on our front porch and took this picture.




This is what Pratt does when thunder strikes. Hides. But makes sure you know where he is with one, teeny tiny hand.




Here is that line. Still not moved by Entergy. Duh.




Keeping busy in the dark. Decorating our faces with stickers.







Overall, no complaints. We are safe and happy. Prayers for all those affected last night and all those that will be affected tonight.

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front porch livin'.

as david wooderson would say, "the older you get, the more rules they are going to try to get you to follow. you just gotta keep on livin' man...l i v i n."


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dear pratt.

dear pratt,

I just woke up and saw something peculiar.

You went to bed around 715 last night. Pooped from all the activities Saturday...coupled with no nap. Anyway, you came into our room around 6 am this morning. I figured there was no way you'd fall back asleep...but you did. Almost immediately. You got as close to me as one person could and fell right to sleep.

I say all this to say that somehow an Easter egg was placed on your pillow. In OUR bed. I can't wait for you to open it to see whats inside. What could it be!?

My bet is on candy. Maybe jellybeans. Or even better...maybe coins. So we can buy something fun at target.

I hope you wake soon! The anticipation is killing me!

I love you,
Mommy.




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36 week visit, easter, part one and a request.

my appointment on friday was super fast and super easy.

i'm 1 centimeter dilated with a soft cervix.  i don't know if it was the exam or just mother nature...but i cramped all night long last night.  i was so worried the entire time.  i'm not ready for this baby.  ideally, i'd like to have him (or her...because let's be honest, i really kind of think it's a girl.  as does my sister) right around 39.5 weeks.  but i know he will come when he's ready.  i just want him to be super fat.  and super ready to be born.  and i'm not ready yet.  i don't think dr. s. is either.  he said that he was shooting for anytime after 38 weeks.  amen, brother.

we drove to my parents yesterday afternoon.  we had easter dinner there last night and then this morning, we went to the church easter egg hunt.  

here are a few pictures from this weekend.

i mean, could you not just eat him up!?  he loved the bunnies.  LOVED them.  he looks like he might be the sweetest kid in the world here.  which is possible.  and then at the same exact time....TOTALLY not possible.  idk.

oh, this one is from this morning.  he and pop pop hunting worms.  right next to the water spout.  because pratt is OBSESSED with water spouts.  itsy bitsy.  it's all the dang spider's fault.

upon seeing the picture of him and the easter bunny...here is the convo that went down.

p: who is that?
me: that's the easter bunny.  
p: no, like...who is that.  like, inside?  who is inside the easter bunny?


why does he already know there's someone inside?  i mean, i'm cool with it.  i HATE bunny suits.  donnie darko ruined me on the bunny suit.  but still.  why does my 2 year old ask those questions?

yes, that's cookie.  and yes, she's hula hooping.  because she wins the award for coolest cookie ever.  he asked me to do it.  obviously...i'm impaired at this point.

and this picture is me.  the backside of me.  because when i saw it, i actually didn't think, "man, that girl has a big ole a."  nope.  i didn't.  i didn't even recognize me.  which made me feel really good.  so i'm posting it here.  because i know that soon i will see a picture of my front side and my swole up face and think, "dang.  there's that big girl i knew existed."  just let me be happy for five seconds, please.

thanks mom and dad for a wonderful overnight stay.  clint said he thinks he gained 10 pounds while he was there.  

also, pratt loves his new Bible story book.  we read 8 stories from it tonight.  starting with Jesus' birth.  and ending with the easter story.  it wasn't easy explaining everything to him.  he had LOTS of questions.  and i had JUST read where rob bell talks about how his and his wife's goal is to keep their children from having to "unlearn" anything about religion.  so that was fresh on my mind.  

anyway, the book is great.  and it's gonna teach me as much as it teaches him...i can already tell.

also, one more thing.  clint's papaw fulks is not doing well.  he was diagnosed with prostate cancer several years ago.  i don't know all the details, but over the past few months, his condition began to worsen.  significantly.  clint's aunt, pam, who has an extensive nursing background under her belt, recognized some things immediately.  he was sent to st. vincent's where testing was done and they discovered that the cancer has spread to his lungs, liver and bone marrow.  possibly more places...but those were the initial findings.  

papaw lost his wife in 2009.  october.  they had been boyfriend and girlfriend since the 4th grade.  mamaw was 85 when she died.  papaw is 86, i think right now.  anyway, i think that at that point, papaw stopped worrying about the cancer.  he told my dad at mamaw's funeral that he was ready to go.  that he had lived a long life, but that he would be lost without his wife.  

he is in hospice care now.  and not doing well at all.  clint is there with him, with his uncle max...and just called to say that he would be surprised if he held on through the beginning of this week.

if you pray, would you please say a prayer for clint.  and for all of the fulks family.  i know what all of clint's grandparents mean to him.  and i know that he has taken the time to tell each of them how much he loves them...but still...it's hard.  he's been so quiet the past few days and it totally breaks my heart.  

it's hard seeing clint quiet.  i know that papaw is on his mind constantly.  and i can't do a single thing about it.  and it hurts my heart.  

i find such relief in knowing that they will be reunited in heaven.  

okay.  i must stop now.  i'm starting to ramble.  

i hope you all have wonderful easters.  love to each of you.

nine times four.

36 weeks.






I'm out of pants. Like, not really. But I'm done. Way too uncomfortable.

It's leggings and dresses from here on out.

My appointment is tomorrow. I can't imagine even being 1 centimeter dilated. I've had a little bit of Braxton hicks, but nothing painful. And I secretly want a 10 pound baby. Really, really chubby. Oh, and a slight drop has occurred. But nothing big. Nothing for real.

I'll update tomorrow after seeing dr. S.

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you scratch my back...

Also, Pratt just asked me while I was putting him down, if I'd get his daddy. Because he wanted him to sing. Not me.

So right now I can hear clint singing by request. First was James Taylor's "you've got a friend". Then it was Don Williams' "good ole boys like me".

now it's back to James Taylor and "sweet baby James".

Also, so I don't forget. The thunder kept him up later than normal. So he was in our room watching modern family. When lily came on the screen with cam, Pratt goes, "yook mom! It's ni-hao Kai-lan!"

Clint and I both fell out laughing. As I said to my friend Emily, via text...I'm not sure if I should be proud...or disappointed that I haven't adequately taught the "melting pot" concept ;)

Oh, ps. He's now singing Willie. "angel flying too close to the ground".

Pratt, your daddy is the best. Totally, one hundred percent...the coolest.

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after supper...

we love sitting on the front porch. and visiting.










pratt really loves to lay in the grass. looking up at the sky. hilarious.



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why?

for a long time (pre-pratt), i wondered what the big deal was about a toddler asking "why?"

i had heard my parents talk about how my sister constantly asked questions.  con.stant.ly.

i can remember certain people, in response to spencer's multiple questions, responding with, "i'm not bothered at all by the questions.  it's the only way she will ever learn."

and learn she did.  she's like an elephant.  anything she has ever heard, she remembers.  seriously.  she's freaky like that.  i can call her "freaky" because she once described me as a "pipsqueak".  yes, spencer...you did.

anyway.  i now understand the big deal about questions.  they NEVER, EVER, EVER seem to stop.

i always thought, "surely...if you answer their question in an adult sense...and don't talk down to them...give them the full explanation, then that will end all questions then and there.  and you'll be set."

WRONG.  i'm such an idiot, i know.  how crazy was i to think that?!

like, i swear i could have stephen hawking over here.  he could do a bang up job of explaining why the ping pong ball still moves when on a train.  (which, let me say...i've NEVER really understood the explanation.  but i mean, i had to read each page in that book like 5 times before i ever even got a little bit of the information.  a genius..i am NOT.)

anyway, ole steve could explain that concept...and pratt would still somehow manage to come up with some other question.  related...but something that wasn't explained initially.

like today.  today he asked me why cars had headlights.  i said, "well, because they drive at night.  and at night, we have to have lights to see because at night, it's dark outside.  so the headlights provide light to see so the car and the driver can see where he/she is going."

sufficient, right?

you'd think so.  but no.  not at all.

next question: why is it dark at night?

so i think...okay, i can do this.  and i explain how the sun goes down.  and he immediately says, "oh yeah!  and the moon comes up!"

i sort of skirted around how the moon is always up...you just can't see it...but basically yes.  that's right.  you see the moon at night and the sun during the day.

i'm fist pumping thinking i've stopped it.  stopped the questions.

no.  i haven't.

he says, "why is there a moon?  what does it do?"

there's no way i'm getting into the tides.  and the purpose of the moon.  because first, i don't really know.  and second, i'm exhausted at this point.

so i say, "i don't know.  i bet daddy knows.  he knows everything.  let's ask daddy."

i know this is horrible.  but i'm just too tired, y'all.  too, too tired.

it never.ever.ever.stops.  he's like the energizer bunny.

muffins.

i'm a sucker for muffins.

i don't know what it is about them...but something reminds me of my childhood.  maybe it was my mother's blueberry muffins with the crusty, sugary top that i always ate first.

or maybe it was because mom always let me and spencer scoop the batter out of the mixing bowl, into the muffin tin.  and we felt like we really were helping her.

idk.

mom posted a recipe for her "morning glory muffins" the other day.  and i keep meaning to make them.  one thing i didn't have.  wheat germ.  but i did have flax seed.  and so i googled it.  seeing if there was much of a difference.

so, your food/science/agriculture lesson of the day....

wheat germ is the center most part of a wheat kernel.  it's very high in protein and apparently wonderful for pregnant people.  (and everyone else, i'm sure).  it has something like 23 nutrients.  whoa.  that's a lot.

so what's flax seed?  well, it's a plant.  it was grown initially in africa.  grown for it's seed and fiber.

you may be thinking, "what do these two things have in common?"

well, initially i didn't know.  but i associated them with each other because they are both sold on the same shelf at kroger.  me...being the person i am, thought, "that makes them related."

you know.  just like oreos and chips ahoy are both cookies.  sold on the same shelf.

duh.

so because i had it, i chose to use flax seed instead of wheat germ.  and may i add that my flax seed is not really a "seed" at all.  it's more like the wheat germ consistency.  powdery.  it's actually "ground flax seed".

so....long road to a small house.

use either.  or go buy one if you don't have either and make these....

oh, and don't know which one to buy?

check this out...
http://freshfoodperspectives.wordpress.com/2007/09/29/flax-seed-vs-wheat-germ/

maybe that will help you.

here's mom's recipe for morning glory muffins.  you'll love them.  i promise.

www.recipesfromtheinvisiblechef.blogspot.com/2011/03/

happy monday!

five minutes.

Clint did something the other night that ranks up there with the invention of penicillin. Seriously.

He was putting Pratt to bed. And he told him, "I'll be back in five minutes to check on you."

And he did it. Went back in five minutes. Pratt was still awake. So clint did a second check...five minutes later. And of course, Pratt was asleep.

So smart. It worked this morning at Sunday school. And has worked every night since clint first mentioned it.

Last night we put him to bed. About 5 minutes after I walked out, I heard him downstairs. Chatting it up with clint. I looked down and said, "what's going on?"

Pratt...very innocently...while coming up the stairs, says, "oh hi mom. I left my water down there. Daddy got it for me. Good night."

And he walked straight to his room and got into bed.

I really think clint has struck gold with the 5 minute thing.

Which should cancel out him asking me tonight if i could weed the flower beds.

Um. Apparently he doesn't know I'm knocked up with his baby. And if I get down in the flower beds to do anymore than hunt worms...i'm not getting up. And Max is gonna be born in the dirt. In the flower beds. Yes...that's not gonna happen.


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perfect.

Eating a Popsicle in his undies and boots. Awesomeness.




Tonight I was making dinner for some friends and us. The pioneer woman's vegetable lasagna. I highly recommend it. Anyway, I gave him a piece of fresh mozzarella.

His exact response..."yum. That's good. That's my new favorite snack, mom."




Of course it is. Because it's like 8 dollars for one package. Next up, I'll walk in the kitchen and he will be cutting up fresh tomatoes and basil. Asking me if I've ever heard of a caprese salad.

I honestly blame the homemade babyfood. I'm tempted to do an experiment and do it all different with Max. Just to see.

I'm kidding, mom and aunt Betty :)


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dinner.

1. Pratt loves the spicy crunchy rolls. And likes to show the waitress EXACTLY which one he wants.




2. He also loves his daddy.



3. And chopsticks.




4. And getting juuuust the right amount of spicy sauce on his roll.




And Clara, please tell your husband that he likes the taste of seaweed. But we haven't tried raw fish yet. Baby steps...

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only five more.

Idk who is more excited about our new in perfect working condition phone...

Happy 35 weeks.









And ps. I'm pretty sure my belly weighs more than my 26 pound two year old. Awesome.

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our conversation.

so today pratt and i were coming home from the park.  and he started asking some pretty big questions.

i'm gonna recap as best as i can remember.

p: tell me again where God lives, momma.


okay.  i must admit something here.  i've been telling him that it makes God sad when we do mean things.  is this right?  idk.  i mean, it might be too much to put on him at this point.  but i don't care.  i mean, i'm too tired to worry about everything right now.  and so i'm just going with it.  because isn't it true?  and doesn't he have to learn that at some point anyway?  that God ALWAYS loves us...but when we do bad things...it does make Him sad.  i mean, that's what i think about it.  so that's what pratt is gonna think too now.  back to the convo.

me: well, i like to imagine he lives up in the sky.  high above us.  above the clouds.  above where airplanes fly.  really, really high up.  this way he can see all of us at once.  me, you, daddy.  cookie and nana.  all the people you know.  and all the people you don't know.


p: even skeet?


me: yes, even skeet.  God sees skeet too.  


(skeet is my sister's dog.  i have NO idea why he asked about him.)

p: so if the clouds moved...and opened up, would we see God then?


me: yes.  exactly.  we would see Him.  if the clouds parted, or opened up, we would see Him.


p: what would happen then, momma?


i'm pretty much realizing at this point that i'd rather be answering questions about bugs.  and explaining the difference between genus and phylum.  and eight legs and six legs.  because i'm really needing clint.  this child remembers (and parrots) everything.  and so if i screw this up...it's all on me.

me: well, i think if the clouds split, and we saw Him, it would be time for us to go home with Him.  He would take us up to heaven with Him.  i don't think we will see Him until that point.  that point of us going to His house.


p: do you think He has caterpillars in heaven with Him?


me: yes, i'm pretty sure there are caterpillars up in heaven with Him.  probably lots of caterpillars.  and butterflies too.


p: do you think God would help me hunt for them?


me: yes, i'm positive He would help you.


p: i bet there are five caterpillars in heaven.  i bet they are named carter, coleman, mommy, daddy and olivia.  


and that was that.

we then started talking about something else.  i think something about francine and her strawberry lemonade.  it wasn't about God.  i couldn't really focus because i kept thinking about his earlier questions.  and whether or not i should have said more.

tonight we were on our way home from dinner and i told clint about it.  and clint told him something that i thought was perfect.  something i never thought of saying.

he told him that everytime he saw something nice happen...that that's what God looks like.  when pratt hugs someone.  or kisses me.  or helps one of his friends.  those are all times when you see God.

what a gigantic job we've been given as parents.

not a day goes by that i don't wonder if maybe for a split second, God lost His mind when He loaned pratt to me.

but then i think of my husband. and i realize that we will all be okay...

35 weeks.

i'm 35 weeks pregnant.

let me just say one thing to sum this up:

my friend rebekah said today, "hannah, when are you due?  like in 5 minutes?"

i don't have a picture.  for several reasons.

1. because i don't fit in the mirror anymore.
2. because my phone is broke as a joke and currently in cali getting fixed.
and 3. because unless you want a naked picture of the half of my body that does fit in the mirror.  because clothes don't fit.  and they are uncomfortable.  and hot.  and tight.

so you see....

that's what 35 weeks looks like around here.

ain't pretty.

i'm done.  done with everything.

done with pratt's bad behavior.
done with being pregnant.
done with sweating under my boobs.
done with sweating down my buttcrack.
done with walking in stores hoping i can make it to the bathroom before pee starts to trickle down my leg because i swear that i urinate every 20 minutes.
done with eating two bites and immediately burping it up.

done.with.it.all.

but praise God i'm still cooking this baby.  i know, i know.  i'm thankful.  just don't ask me about being thankful when i'm a. trying to sleep, b. not sleeping because i pee constantly, c. attempting to climb my big butt in clint's truck or d. when i'm having indigestion.  oh, or e. when i'm trying to read books to pratt at bedtime and i can't catch my breath because my lungs are so freaking smooshed.

at all every other moment, i'm thankful.

i'm off to yell at someone...peace.

of note.

first, thank you to each of you who took the time to leave a comment, to text, to email, etc letting me know you were thinking of me regarding my last post.

i've never been one to keep things inside.  i find that acting like everything is sunny and perfect...well, it's just draining.  it's easier for me to break down.  and cry.  and ask for help.  those who have been around me the longest know this.  and i'm sure it gets old.  but it's the only way i know how to exist.

so thank you for letting me be honest.  and for not judging me.  i judge myself plenty.  so i appreciate all the love that you shower me with.  those people i "know" and those i don't "know".  as mothers...AND as women..i think we have so much in common.

okay.  on to a different topic.

my little boy slept in his underwear last night with no accident!!!

ever since he was potty trained, he hasn't really gone to the bathroom during the night in his pull-ups.  i got tired of buying pull-ups because 1. they are expensive and 2. they are bad for the earth ESPECIALLY when he's not even going to the potty in them.

so we were reusing them.  but you can only do that so many times.  so i ended up buying g diapers.  which had velcro.  and i'll NEVER do that again.  velcro sucks.  i should have thought of that.  i don't want to sleep in velcro.  why would he?!

anyway.  last night we talked about if he needed to go potty, to come in my room and i'd help him.  he didn't get up last night at all.  this morning when he woke, he did as he's always done and gone then.

i made a big deal about it.  i really am so proud of him.

have wonderful wednesday nights!!

a season.

for everything else in my life, i've been trained.  had classes.  taken a course.

i read about driving.  practiced with my parents.  took a driving test.  THEN drove on my own.

i read recipes to know what ingredients to put together to cook something up that tastes good.  i watched paula deen cook things in oil and butter.  THEN i cook on my own.

i read books on marriage.  what to do.  what not to do.  we even had a checklist of things to discuss.  opinions, ideas, etc.  THEN we walked down the aisle.

but parenting is different.

i brought him home from the hospital, carried him inside.  and from that point to now...it's been whatever i THOUGHT was right.  whatever i thought might work.

there are so many books out there, i don't always know which one to choose from.

but here lately, i've found myself saying out loud, "i can't do this alone, God.  i'm gonna need some help."

i feel like i'm dog paddling.  making it...but barely.

and i feel alone.  really, really alone.

because i'm here with him during the day.  and at night, when clint is tired from work, i'm still here.  tired, yes.  but here.  and when pratt gets up at 1 am, 130 am, 2 am, and 4 am...asking to sleep with us, it's me that gets up and walks him back to bed.  reasoning with him.  trying to help him understand why he's not sleeping with us.

and i have this second life growing in me.  and when things go bad, i worry that they will be doubly bad when this baby gets here.  and i'm terrified of that.

i won't go into the details of what happened today.  i can't do it again.  i'll just say that again...i walked away from a situation wondering if pratt would be 15 and still be hurting other kid's feelings.

it seems that these days, when pratt is told "no" by me, he reacts.  he lashes out.  he tries to hit me.  or swings at me.  or some other negative behavior.  and then it's just cyclic.  i try something at that point.  time out.  a scolding.  a spanking.

but nothing seems to work.

i've even just flat out cried.  which i know doesn't work.  it doesn't make him feel guilty.  it's not been my intention...more just a response to feeling completely and totally helpless.

i called my mother today in tears.  she promised me that this is a phase.  and that there is a realness to "the terrible twos".  and that it probably won't end there.  and that he is a boy.  which reminds me that i need to start reading "bringing up boys" again.  because i need to understand the difference.  because i've forgotten.  

i just feel alone.  and scared.  and helpless.

if you're reading this, and you semi-know what i'm talking about...please say a prayer for us.  for me and pratt.  because there is absolutely nothing worse than feeling like a bad mother.

and that's how i feel.  like a bad mother.  like i'm fumbling through this life.  and before i know it, it will be over.  and he'll be grown.  and i will have cried my days away.

i know this stress isn't good for the baby.  which just leads into me feeling like an even worse mother.  bad for pratt...and bad for this baby.

on the flip side, with all this sadness, i'm not so much worried about postpartum.  it seems like rainbows and cupcakes compared to this season of my life.

would it be weird?

would it be weird if i carried clint's old boom box (you know, lloyd dobler style) into the labor and delivery room.

would it be weird if i set it up.  on the l shaped table.  wheeled the table over my bed, over my legs.

would it be weird if i cranked up mumford & sons on repeat, as loud as it would go.

i'm thinking it'd be like i made a mix tape for sweet baby max.

i think he'd like it.  coming into this world while winter winds is playing.

and davidnelson, if you're reading this...what's your opinion?  because you know about all things music/birth related....

and for those of you thinking i'm joking...i'm not.  i'm dead serious.

sunday.

i really love nothing more than days when clint is home.  and he can play with pratt and me.

i know that sounds silly, but it's true.  it's just more fun with him around.  lucky for us, he actually likes that too.

yesterday after church, we spent most of the day outside.  clint did yard work while pratt and i played.  i wish you could have seen my big pregnant self running through the sprinkler for fun.  it wasn't pretty.  but it made p laugh.  hard.  he laughed really hard.  too hard, if you ask me.  like he knew it wasn't normal looking.  oh well.

i wish the weather would stay just like that all summer long.  it was windy and warm.  but completely tolerable.

happy monday!

p.

sometimes i look at pratt and wonder who he looks like.

i see clint.  and i see my dad.  but i don't ever see myself.  maybe that's because i don't think we ever really know what we look like.  my perception of myself is probably pretty skewed.  and when i look in the mirror, i don't see my main features.

most of the time, i see my flaws.  the lines across my forehead.  the freckles from being in the sun as a kid.  etc, etc.

anyway, these are a few pictures i got the other day that really show who this little guy is.  from his big brown eyes, to those scuffed up john deere cowboy boots.

this one has to be my all time favorite.  because this is one hundred and ten percent, pratt.

look at his face.  with his little bitty head all cocked down.  like, "what?  seriously?  what?"

i cannot stop laughing.  he's gonna be in detention so many times.  really, he is.

happy saturday!

true wuv.

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for cookie.

Pratt literally rolled out of bed this morning and yelled, "momma! I need an ice cream cone! Hurry!"










It's all my moms fault. She has a gigantic freezer in the garage. Where she (no lie) keeps at least 10 kinds of ice cream novelties. Think: snicker bars. Dove chocolate bars. Mini drumsticks. Etc.

We had to go yesterday and stock up on the mini drumsticks.

He got some on my shirt this morning. He laughed and said, "that's for max. When he comes out." :)



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psalm 30:5.

when i was little, i was perpetually homesick.  i was the kid at sleepovers that once everyone started getting their sleeping bags out, i started moving towards the telephone.  a total buzz kill.

i can still feel that horrible knot in my stomach simply by talking about it today.  i would try so hard to be strong. and stay.  and have fun.  but all i wanted was to be home.  in my room.  in my bed.

this lasted a really, really long time.  my first year of college was hard.  in the end, only being an hour from home probably saved my education.  i'm not sure i would have made it anywhere further from home.

something about nighttime.  it's hard.  it's dark.  and unending.

that's how i felt last night.  clint took over on about the tenth time of me trying to get my son down for bed. he's done so good recently.  and he wasn't having it last night.  didn't want to sleep in his bed.  wanted to be up to watch tv.  or drink milk.  or pee.  or any other excuse he could think of.

i don't know how single parents do it.  i always think of my friend angie.  who is one of the best mothers i know.  who is also alone.  and i wonder how she does it.  does she ever get so mad she can't see straight?!  i don't think she probably ever does.

psalm 30:5 kept running through my head last night.

weeping may endure for the night, 
...but joy comes in the morning light.


amen.

today as i look out our front windows, i see a new day.  a new opportunity.  a new, fresh start.  a clean slate of sorts.

and i'm encouraged.  i have patience this morning that i did not have last night.  and i have this sense of hope that today WILL be better.

and if all that isn't enough, today is 4/8.  which adds up to 12.  which adds up to 3.  my favorite number.  so yes...even according to my silly number obsession...today will be a good day!  right, sarah bell!?

sorry for the depressing post last night.  i do realize that even with bad days, my life is incredibly easy.  and for that i am so thankful.

happy friday!

job change.

I honestly can't think of a worse job than being a subway sandwich artist.

I mean, I lurve me some subway.

But having to smell like yeast all day cannot go well for those people. It's like working in the shark lab for dr. knight. Then going to chapel and realizing people are moving seats bc you smell like rotten fish. But you're totally unaware bc you dont even smell it anymore.

And then there's the lure of those dang cookies. I swear I would sit at the checkout and just stuff my face. Forget those tongs. I'd straight up stick my dirty hand in there.

But the worst has to be refilling that black tub of "seafood and crab". Whatever on that. Ugh. I'd just lie and tell everyone we were out. And then I'd tell them they were gross for even asking for that kind of sammy.

However, I would use a fresh knife everytime i made a new sandwich. What's with them using the same knife on a tuna that they use on my veggie. No way. Yuck.

Anyway. Long road to a small house.

Today has been such a horrible, long day that I would take a job as a sandwich artist tomorrow morning as long as I didn't have to take the abuse from my child again.

I took a shower tonight just so I could cry and no one would hear me.

Tomorrow just HAS to be better. Here's to just that...

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rocks.

today has not been a diamond day.  nope.  not at all.

it started out okay.  pratt slept later than usual.  he didn't wake until around 8.  but now thinking back...he didn't go to bed until around 10.  we went to my parents yesterday and didn't get in until late.  so probably 8 was more like 6.  so that makes sense now.

he didn't get a good nap yesterday being away from home.  and stuff like that just adds up.  i've said it a million times, but it's so true.  naps make all the difference in the world in my kid's behavior.  i can remember seeing kids misbehave and hearing their parents say, "oh, it's his naptime."  i never believed it.  now...i never doubt it.  so true.  very, very true.

anyway, it's just been one thing after another today.  somedays i can ask him to do certain things and he will promptly reply, "okay momma!".  and others (like today) i can ask him to do something and he honest to goodness figures out the exact opposite of my request and does just that.  and then he looks at me.  with that crap eating grin.  like, "booyah. what now, old lady!?"

i bet he's been in timeout 10 times today.  and spanked twice.  and it's only 1230.

i've taken everything i can think of away.  the latest: his b.  that seemed to work.

well, by "work" i mean, he cried so hard that he stopped breathing.  but he did stop hurling dirty clothes and me and the cat.  it gets ugly over here, folks.  real, real ugly.

he's now napping.  and my prayer is that he wakes in a much better mood.  if he doesn't, i might just drop him off at goodwill.  or maybe i should drive him to my sister's classroom.  i think she might scare the crap out of him.

i keep reminding myself of something clint said the other night.  we were talking about being overwhelmed...or i was talking about it.  because clint never seems to be overwhelmed with pratt.  frustrated? yes.  but he's so good at seeing the big picture.

me?  i'm stuck.  not seeing the forest for the trees.

anyway.  he made the comment that he was just a kid.  and that i shouldn't worry.  that he would grow up to be a good, kind, loving person.

and while that may make perfect sense...sometimes i forget that.  i see him as this toddler.  this 2.5 year old kid throwing fits.  being mean to people.  demanding attention.  screaming when he doesn't get his way.  etc, etc.

it's hard for me to think of him as grown.

that's my fear though.  that when he's grown up, he will still do the same things.  demand attention.  expect anything and everything he wants to just be handed to him.  throw things.

i pray a lot.  outloud and quietly to myself.  i pray that God give me the strength to know what to do in certain situations.  i pray that i know what to say when i'm correcting him.  i pray for patience.  i pray constantly.

i've never had a more difficult job.  of course, i've never loved any job like i love this one.

but sometimes i need a glass of wine.  and today is one of those days.  and i can't have one.  so i think i'm gonna go eat a snicker easter egg.  and maybe take a bath.  and maybe when pratt wakes up, we will go to target.  and buy popcorn and an apple juice box.  and just walk around the store.  looking at things we wish we could splurge on.

yes...that sounds good.

teacher.

A lesson for pop pop on little bear...



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b.fast.

Donut shop. Our favorite.

The best kolaches. The best chocolate milk. And the best goldfish tank.









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