clutter, clutter everywhere.

i'm nostalgic. don't know why. maybe because it's the end of the year. maybe because so much has been going on around me. good, bad and ugly. like dr. knight's freshman lecture on sex in zoology. yes, it really was titled that.

anyway...i have been thinking. maybe it was my friend emily frosts' post. about being home. and being so comfortable there. being around those that love her.

or maybe it was talking to my friend emily merryman. and trying to make sense of something i don't understand. trying to find words. trying to make things better over the phone...millions of miles away. when i know that it would have been better to just sit on her couch and eat peanut butter from the jar. and laugh. maybe listen to matchbox twenty. or john mayer. or anything. just be there together. because there is something magical about being near those you love.

i was looking at pratt today during his nap. our nap, i guess. he looks so different when he's sleeping. i saw his life flash before my eyes. i saw him grown. i saw him married. all of it.

and suddenly, i remembered what my dad always said. you know...about how i wasn't supposed to have a date with a boy until he was dead. i wonder how pratt would feel about that. because if he has a family...i will totally be that old mom in "love you forever" that gets in her old car, drives across town, goes in her son's house, gets him out of bed...and rocks and sings. i will. i really will.

i was on my way back from walgreens tonight when i saw a little boy. and his grandmother, i assume. our town has a wonderful downtown. the square. i love it. anyway, a local church there has a nativity scene out. and the little boy was standing there...arms behind his back....looking at everything. and his grandmother was sort of standing to the side. almost explaining everything to him. i wondered what she was saying. i wondered what he was thinking. i would have stopped but then i would have been "that crazy woman who got out of her car crying".

i don't know what is wrong with me. maybe that this year is about to be over. maybe it's that one day all too soon, i'll be the one with pratt...standing in front of a nativity scene...explaining things to him. he'll be that grown up...that fast.

he woke last night at 10. i layed down with him and he fell fast asleep. he woke at 1. i got out of the bed, got him...and brought him to our bed. by the time i layed down, he was fast asleep. how can you blame him? i love love love sleeping close to clint. there are few things better than falling asleep on him. close enough to smell him. why would a little bitty baby not want the same thing. i'm sure i'll regret this later. but oh well. life is too short. they are only little for such a small period of time.

i'm struggling with why bad things happen to good people. i'm trying to understand why we get sick. and why some people are hit with things twice. or three times. i'm trying to constantly remember that our days are short. there is a saying...something about how life is lived in moments...not days.

so true. moments. like today during our nap. his little heart shaped face. i felt like i was looking at myself.

i had to give nana pratt's social security number today. the digits are weird. by weird, i mean they are unlike mine or clints. i mean, i knew they would be...but still. as i read them off, i wondered how many times he would read them off.

i love being home with him. i feel like i should write clint and thank you note everyday for letting me do it. we got a wonderful cd from emily and juju and vaughn. it's new orleans music.

number 2 is my fave. i'm not sure where i've heard it before. maybe from my summers with aunt betty and frank and nick in new orleans. it goes,

i went on down to the audobon zoo,
and they all asked for you
they all asked for you
yes, they even inquired about you.

but when he sings "asked", it's more like "axed". i love it. i dance around and sing and make silly faces. pratt laughs. i think he thinks i'm funny. the other day he was in his swing and i turned around and stuck my rear out at him. and shook it. i think i was singing beyonce. anyway, when i turned around to look at him, he started laughing. completely made my day. hilarious.

how is this year already over? we found out we were pregnant in january. he arrived in september. i was in a fog until the end of november...and now it's the end. what? where did it go?

our fence is up. for ace and yoda. there are so many wild animals out here. they would have gotten hit by a car...or yoda would have been eaten. she has no claws. the fence is up and it looks great. smells great. like wood. but something about it makes me miss mama kitty. she was our cat that died several years ago. i think she lived to 19 or something like that. yes. really. 19 people years. her biblical name would have been something like methuselah kitty.

okay. i'm going to fold clothes. clint is watching razorback basketball. pratt is asleep. napping.

sorry for how random this is. i have so much on my mind.

happy eve of new years eve!

giggles.

here is the video from last night. he laughs from deep in his belly.

it's so stinkin' cute.

and yes, at around 35 seconds, i snort. some things never change...

changes.changes.everywhere.

it's 10 here. 10 pm.

i'm not tired. i've had oh...maybe three cups of coffee. back in my grad school years, three cups was nothing. but then i got pregnant. and well, now three cups is like me eating my way through a starbucks. i seriously might be up all night long.

pratt is changing so much. every single day he changes. all you parents out there understand this. i'm not exaggerating. whitney says that whatever i say, you should divide it by 3...but this time...i'm serious.

for a couple of weeks now, when i change his diaper or give him a bath, i'll blow on his belly. he hasn't really reacted yet. well, tonight he was sort of getting fussy with clint. he's very, very active. very much likes to move around. he's high maintenance. he'll only sit in one place for so long. and then he wants to move. so he'd been sitting with him too long. i walked over to get him. take him somewhere different. move positions. and i leaned him back and blew on his neck.

and he fell out laughing. like deep, belly laughs. it was great. so, so genuine. so real. we got it on video. i just have to figure out how to upload it now. it's our video camera....not my photo camera. so it'll take me a day or so.

he loves his johnny jumper. i can't really remember what it's called. but i'm pretty sure "johnny" is in there somewhere. he stands in it and just bounces. and talks. and smiles.

he's so happy. mostly all the time. he must get that from his dad. well, unless he's hungry. he must get that from his mom.

his fingers and toes are getting so long. he can sit up if you're leaning him back into a pillow. his abs look like billy blanks. not really...but you know what i mean.

he watches ace and yoda. he finds and watches any tv that is on. he balls his little hands up and sticks them both in his mouth. yes, both.

he has this really high pitched whine that he makes if you take a bottle away too soon. it's almost a yelp. it's really sad sounding..but so funny too. and if he's upset, and you walk towards him, he'll stop. because he thinks you're on your way to get him. to make him stop crying. he's got me all figured out.

if i lay down with him, hold him really tight to my chest, craddle him in my arms, i can make him fall sound asleep.

this is by far my greatest accomplishment.

better than getting into medical school.

better than getting my masters.

it really, really is.

knowing that i comfort that small baby is the best feeling in the world.

my baby boy.

i.could.eat.him.up.

our first christmas.

what a wonderful christmas we had! it is my favorite. always has been, always will be. for all the reasons. when i was a kid, christmas was the time our family came together. my grandparents were deceased and so family to me not only meant "family"...but also the friends of my parents. i hope that we are lucky enough one day to have that. to have people over christmas eve. to eat, to open gifts, to visit. all of it. i love it. i love visiting. it's so southern sounding...but i guess if the shoe fits.

we celebrated christmas eve at our house. you woke up around 245 am and were not too happy. i brought you into our room and you continued screaming at the top of your lungs. you were hungry and i couldn't feed you fast enough. your dad said, "pratt, i'm going to put a sign out in our front yard that tells santa to keep flying over our house because pratt is being a bad boy." you didn't really care about santa...you continued screamed anyway.


we woke that morning and opened presents. your dad always buys the best gifts. my mom gave me diamond earrings that my dad had bought for her several years ago. i have had them for years. a while back, i lost one. clint matched the diamond, and bought me a second earring for christmas. they are absolutely beautiful! i haven't worn earrings in such a long, long time. i loved them! and...he bought us stockings. mom and dad stockings. so, so sweet. and me, mom and sugar a day at the spa!

he bought you a sweet little book called, "the drummer boy". with my help, we opened your book. you probably could have done it yourself...but i helped anyway.

you and i bought dad a vest. he never, ever buys clothes for himself. really, he never buys anything for himself. so we bought him a vest. had i had the money, i'd of bought him a 4-wheeler. maybe next year. maybe we can start saving now!



clint's wrapping job on mom's present. i had to take a picture.





we drove to camden for christmas day. cookie...and well, we still have no name for my dad. it's so bad that he actually gave you a gift, wrapped it and everything...and on the name tag put to: pratt, from: "your momma's daddy".

yes, he really wrote that. there is a funny story about this. my dad hears slang terms and think it's cool to use them. he's funny like that. like this one time, we passed a college friend in the mall. he smiled and said, "what up dog?". my dad literally stopped him in his tracks to ask him what he said. after the guy told him what it meant...dad started using the term. yes. he would go up to random people and call them dog.




hanging stockings.

okay, pratt. on the left is sugar's "soft bear". she received it when she was a kid...some 25 years ago. on the right is your new "soft bear". sugar's looked just like yours many, many years ago. that bear is her favorite. it's been to new york several times, disney world...you name it, it's been there. so for christmas, sugar thought she should get you one too. you'll love him.

sugar thought you should have your own pair of new balance 993s. just like mom and dads.







your cookie is the best cook ever. she gave you your first cookbook. she said she can't wait until you can cook with her. here's a little piece of advice on that...just do whatever she tells you. and never try to load her dishwasher. you won't do it right.



debra and paige came to visit you.



my dad and sugar got you a dvd player for the car. our friend paul said that if he had to choose between a dvd player for his little girl or the spare tire...he'd take the dvd player :) we think you'll like it just as much as mary does.



dad's gift for clint and tyler. don't ask.



you doing some cheers with sugar.





you have so many funny faces. and you're so dramatic. i'm not sure who you get that from. it's certainly not your mom.



you love love love watching me stick my tongue out. and you like to do it too. i'm sure i'll have several parent teacher conferences where i have to explain this "trick" of yours.

this is your johnny jump up. or something like that. you get in it and play and jump. and you favor your left hand! wooohooo! you'll be left handed. that will be the coolest. maybe you can be a left handed pitcher! because you're not playing football...

our second christmas was saturday the 27th. we headed to searcy to spend the day with nana, greatma and the greatest. and all the cousins, and aunts and uncles. you are going to L.O.V.E. going here when you grow up. there are sooo many kiddos. and you will love running around with hayden and landon. they will be a few years older than you, but i think you'll love it.
also, you got to meet uncle doug, douglas and casey for the first time.

you love greatma. too cute.

aunt dixie reading to the kids.

your dad bought nana a beautiful necklace with your birthstone. she loved it. i love this picture. it looks just like her. so, so happy! way to go dad!

nana got you so many toys. they light up, make noise...everything. and puzzles! you got some wonderful wooden puzzles. i loved puzzles as a kid. i'm sure you will too.

and i think my favorite thing was a teddy bear, holding another teddy bear. greatma put your name on the baby bear, and "nana" on the momma bear. you can push the paw (i think) and it will play you nursery rhymes. i love it!

and on a side note....

we had a wonderful first christmas. we are so blessed. and it's times like these that remind me.

christmas eve, clint and i talked before we fell asleep. this is a time when we usually talk about stuff unrelated to pratt. it was one of the best conversations we've had in a really, really long time. i am constantly reminded by clint how wonderful our life is. i'm a pretty sad person at times. it's something i've fought my entire life. and it's nice to have clint there to remind me that i have it easy.

our lives this year are so different. mostly because of pratt. i couldn't help but think of mary and joseph that night before we fell asleep. i asked clint if he thought mary knew what would happen to her son the night the angels came to tell her the good news. it made me wonder how i would change my life...our life.

there has never been so much guilt in my life. since the day he arrived, i've questioned everything i do. i want to do the best. be the best. i want to read to him all day. i want to hold him all day. i want to meet his every.single.need. and as i lay there and thought of the true meaning of christmas, i couldn't help but to cry.

i think this year, i'm more thankful for God's gift than ever before. and my hope, my prayer...is that 2009 will be the best year of my life. i promise to work towards that. i promise to raise pratt to know the meaning of Christmas. i hope i can be a better role model. a better Christian. a better mom. a better wife. daughter. sister.

hope all of you had a merry, merry christmas.

dear pratt.

dear pratt,

tonight is your very first christmas eve. it is probably one of my favorite days. christmas is my very favorite...and i love love love birthdays. and then there is christmas eve.

you are asleep right now. it's 10 pm. your daddy is downstairs watching a christmas story. it is one of his favorites, and i'm sure will be one of yours when you are old enough to watch.

tonight, for the first time in my life, i didn't go "home" for christmas eve. i guess i was home...i was here with you and dad. but for the past 28 years of my life, i've been with my parents. at their home. but tonight, we're here together. starting what will be our tradition for the years to come.

your daddy was so excited about tonight. about it being just the three of us. he is already talking about how fun it will be when you get older and have four (yes, he really said four) brothers and sisters running around here. your daddy wants a big, big family. something about me baking cookies reminded him of that. who knows...

we read you the night before christmas. i think you loved it.

tomorrow we will head to my parents house for christmas after opening presents here. then saturday, we will head to your nana's for christmas with them. you are going to get so many gifts over the next few days.

i can't wait until you get old enough to know that giving is so, so much better than receiving. and that is of course why so many want to give to you.

we love you so much. see you in the morning.

merry, merry christmas!

catching up.

i've been a little busy and haven't had time to download all the pictures from the past week.

here is my dad on his birthday. pratt had so much fun at the sandbar and is ready to go back and maybe play miss pacman.



here is goodwin, dad and gene. dad is being silly. of course he is.



cookie brought pratt back this cool snow bunny hat from new york. thanks cookie! he loves it!



the adorable outfit summer bought for him. it's his first organic outfit. that's right...he's saving the planet. one outfit at a time. just call him little leo. as in dicaprio. oh, i'm hilarious.



we got to have lunch with the greatest and greatma yesterday. how much does pratt LOVE the greatest!? how cute. i love his little face here.



this is what yoda does to every package i wrap. she chews the ribbon.



ace checking to see if there are any squirrels outside. he stands at the backdoor....oh, maybe 20 out of the 24 hours during a day.

yoda thinks that if her body is hidden, you can't see her. she's a genius.

our tree. next to it is pratt's new red wagon from his pops. thank you pops! i see many trips down our driveway in that thing. good thing his dad is a dentist. and we have lots of physician friends.

after a long day of being a baby...

allison had a wonderful cookie exchange last night! we had so much fun and got lots of yummy cookies! pratt loves brandy...and apparently think allison is too funny!

pratt and his mom.

i bet i kiss his neck...oh, i dunno...maybe 500 times a day. right there. below his mandible. it's soft. and smells like a baby. this is my favorite picture so far. and there have been many, many pictures. but this takes the cake.

now...if only i could keep him this small...

the grass is always greener...

two weeks before pratt arrived, we moved.

towns. counties. well...it's different out here. we're on a 3 acre lot. wooded. and we're on top of a hill. it's country. someone once said that we live where there are horses and cows. i think they were being ugly...rude..but what.ev. about a mile down the road is access to the saline river. yes, my friends...yes. and yes phillip petty...pratt will be swimming in that thing. and he will love it!

so, i've fallen in love with this place. it took 3 months...but i'm finally loving it. it's not much different than the neighborhood i grew up in.

anyway, today i was leaving our house...and i had to take a picture of what i saw.

you see...i was stopped in the middle of the road to let a bunch of guinies walk by. i thought they were chickens...but clint says they are guinies. i don't know what that is....maybe you do. anyway...i stopped to let them cross...

and on my left...this is what is literally at arms distance from me. like, i could have stuck my arm out the window and touched this guy.

i loved it. the grass is always greener...huh, buddy?

i felt like i needed to document that i love it here. even though that one redneck hasn't taken down his confederate flag. oh well...maybe when pratt gets big enough we can go egg his house or something :) he totally deserves it. either that...or maybe some forks in the yard.

pratt is surely going to be a country boy. i can see it now. he'll wear cowboy boots all the time.

ahhhh, i can't wait :).

oh, susanna...

when i was younger, my dream was to work in africa. i couldn't watch any of those commercials that show all those poor little kids, starving. they always had swollen little bellies. and i couldn't take it. i was the person that would turn the channel. i'm serious. like, i physically couldn't watch. i would get sick. i would cry. for days. i would think about it over and over and over again. get stuck on it. and be useless.

i didn't know that there were other people out there like that. well, at least, i didn't know until i read "the secret life of bees". it was then i met may boatwright. and her wall. and since then, i feel i should go around singing "oh, susanna!". cause that's where i'm at with this sensitivity thing.

my sister is a school teacher in a small, rural town. she teaches fourth grade. she is wonderful at this job. much better than me. i quit being a school teacher after 3 days once. i walked out. some kid used the f word with me...and i up and walked out. never went back. i think i got a check two weeks later for like 67 dollars.

anyway, spencer is good. really good. she's smart. understanding. loves those kids. obviously doesn't do it for the money. but she does it for them. because i know that seeing them get it...whether that be by their grades...or by them clapping out words...either way, she gets joy in seeing them succeed.

today mom, pratt and i visited her. there was a certain little boy that i've heard her talk about. i told her that i wanted to meet him. you know, put a face with a name. so she called him out into the hallway.

i can close my eyes and see him now. he was tall. with dark hair. i spoke to him...called him by name and told him that i had heard so much about him. so many good things. he just beamed and looked up at spencer. i happened to glance down at his shoes. i noticed immediately that they were too big. but it's one of those things...you know, where you don't want to stare too long. because you don't want to be rude. so i hurriedly looked back up at his face. i smiled at him. and it was then i saw the hair on his clothes.

spencer told him that he could go back into the classroom. as he walked away, she closed her classroom door. and she said, "yesterday, he got to shop with a cop. this morning, on my desk, was an angel ornament...all wrapped up. he bought it for me while shopping."

"shop with a cop" if you don't know...is something that several towns are doing for kids. they raise money from local businesses and then take certain kids (those in need) to shop for christmas presents.

it absolutely broke my heart that he had bought something for spencer. i, much like spencer...wish that he had spent that money on himself. but it just killed me that he not only thought about her...but he put it in action...and bought something for her. there is no doubt in my mind that she will keep that little ornament for the rest of her life.

a little boy. a little boy given a small amount of money, and he gets her a gift. a little boy with no selfish bone in his body. how many times have i wanted to give? how many times have i passed that red bucket outside walmart? and not stopped. because i only have 10 dollars. and that would buy 10 sonic cokes at happy hour. how many times have i intended to buy something for someone...but instead..i talk myself into buying something for myself. because i don't have enough. right, right. that's my being sarcastic.

and yet, this little boy. this little boy who probably hasn't had a new piece of clothing in his entire life...he can be selfless. but i can't. me, at 29 years of age...i can't be selfless.

i asked spencer about his shoes. she said they were probably too big for him. and she told mom and me that the hair on his clothes was from the chickens that live in his house. yes. chickens. in his house.

i don't understand. i don't understand why this happens. i don't get how in america there can be fourth grader...wearing his step-father's 8.5 size tennis shoes. instead of the size 4.5 that he needs.

america. where i have so many shoes, some are still packed in boxes in my closet. where we have so much food in our pantry...we could go months and not run out. where we always have money to pay the bills. where pratt has a closet full of clothes...some he has never worn because we literally ran out of days.

someone once told me that once i had a child, i'd see the world differently. i would no longer see it as a woman...as a sister...as a daughter. instead, i'd see it as a mother.

i realized it today. i wanted to take that kid home with me. i wanted to bring him here. give him a warm bed. warm clothes. shoes that fit. all of it.

i have no doubt that his parents love him. i know they do. and i'm sure that they are doing the best they can. but it still breaks my heart.

my fingers are slippery now. i have tears all over my face...and all over this keyboard.

i'm not sure i can wrap this up. there is no way to tie a pretty little ribbon around this and call it the end.

i guess i pass this on. i pass on this emotion. pass on the gift of giving to those less fortunate. and i become better. i become a better giver. a better prayer warrior. a better mom. a better wife. all of it.

i promise to teach pratt to give. i promise to teach him to always put God first, others second and himself third. i will do this by example. i will do this by giving. by loving. by doing.

my hope is that you do the same. because if we don't...who will?

our little t-bird.

you know that feeling you get once you feel you've mastered something. maybe not mastered...but gotten used to something. you know...when you finally feel comfortable. in your skin. like no matter what gets thrown your way...you'll totally be able to handle it.

i'm there. put a little red circle on the ground...and make me stand on it. cause i'm there.

there is nothing that pratt could do that would throw me. mark it down. december 17th. my dad's birthday of all days.

i can take him anywhere...i really mean anywhere. all alone. which is the hardest for me. because it seems since getting married, i've become more dependent. i have always credited my parents for making me independent. but somewhere in the past 2 years...i've lost that.

at least, i thought i had. but not anymore. there is something so refreshing knowing that i can be a mom...a good mom, i think...all alone. it's not that clint doesn't help. because he does. it's that for so many hours of the day, i'm alone. just me and pratt. and it's nice to know that i'm okay. because for so, so long...what, 3 months now...i haven't been. it's like i was always more comfortable...better...when clint was home. and i needed to get to this place. bad. in a bad, bad way.

on another note. bill and denise gave pratt a gt convertible. it's black and white and makes you want to sing...go grease lightening...

he's finally comfortable holding up his head. so we put him in it. and no surprise...his legs touch the ground. he's not quite sure what to do with it. but he LOVES it. he loves to just sit in it and look around. it's pretty hilarious.

here is the car. it's black and white. and pretty much the coolest car ever.

i'm waiting on the christmas cards. they are supposed to arrive today. more later. i'm headed home for my dad's birthday. i love going home. love it. love it. love it.

3 months

today pratt turns 3 months old. i cannot believe it. i know it's cliche...but it really does seem like just yesterday he was born.

he is 26 inches long which puts him in the 95th percentile. and is basically in 6 to 9 month clothing. weird, i know. he's in it because of the length. not because of his weight. he doesn't fill out the 3 to 6 stuff...but it's too short. again...milkman's baby. that's the only explanation i have. either that...or the genes from uncle doug and uncle jim are stronger than i ever thought possible. i'm sure it will catch up with him soon.

he has gotten the hang of sleeping. he naps throughout the day and then falls asleep around 830. he sleeps till 4 or 5. then gets up to eat and sleeps for another 2 to 3 hours. then he's pretty much up for the day. his naps during the day last from 30 minutes to an hour. he fights sleep like you wouldn't believe. he hates it. clint and i love. again...think milkman.

he weighs around 14 pounds...best i can tell.

he loves his baby einstein playmat. loves mr. star. he loves trying to stand up. he gets sick and tired of us putting him in the same positions. he loves public places with bright lights. he will not sleep if there are any fluorescent lights nearby. instead, he just gazes at them. and mirrors. he loves mirrors. he will find and stare at any tv that's on. and i let him. because i'm a bad mom. he'll be the kid that watches tv...because like my sister (the school teacher) said...kids that don't get to watch tv are weird. that's what she said...not me. i mean, i don't use it as a babysitter or anything...but the kid will be a tv watcher. his mom loves tv. like that's one of the things i'd ask for on a deserted island. a tv, peanut butter, a sudoku puzzle, clint and pratt. those five things.

he's taking four ounces. and pretty much believes he should eat every 2 hours. it's a fight to 3 hours. he's happy. he smiles. he giggles. when you squeeze his legs, he laughs and loses his breath.


it's hard to remember what my life was like before him. i cannot imagine it without him now...and it seems so much better with him in it. not that there aren't hard days. but when he smiles at me...and seems happy...i feel i have a purpose. and it makes me want to do more. be more. be better. be the best parent for him. because he deserves it.


we love you.



here he is today at 3 months.


below are some of my favorite pictures from the day he was born. i came across them recently and i don't think any of them are on here.



look at my face. i feel so sorry for him. he's crying. but there were so many people wanting pictures that i couldn't do anything about it. and i'm pretty drugged here. i'm sad. it shows.




my dad. this is exactly what i see when i close my eyes. his glasses. everything. i love it.




here he is with his greatma. she loved him. she loved him long before he arrived.


happy 3 months little prattatouille. we love you.