dear pratt,
tonight i was rocking you to sleep. it was just me and you. in your room. i always have a fan on...white noise. you like it. and it's dark. but i always leave the closet light on. because i want my closet light on...so i assume you want yours on. i cannot sleep without a light on...and i never expect you to. i mean, if you can...great. but if not, i totally understand. if i were to get out of the bed without a light on, you can bet your bottle that i'd stand on the bed, and then jump as far as i could. that's of course so that the boogie man under my bed can't grab my ankles.
anyway, i was rocking you. you had finished eating. and you were laying there in my arms. every once in a while, you'd crack open your eyes, look up at me. and i'd smile. when you saw me smile, you'd smile. and then you'd close your eyes again.
about a minute would pass, and you'd do it all over again.
open your eyes. check to make sure i was there. smile. close your eyes.
it reminded me of being kid. laying in my parents bed. i wasn't ever allowed to sleep there. so instead, i'd crawl in and ask my dad to clean out my ears. (yes, meredith...we used q-tips). i'd crawl up there...and he'd clean out my ears. it was so relaxing. i would always act like i had fallen asleep. i would lay there and hope that they would say, "oh look...hannah's asleep. let's leave her here. no sense in waking her."
it never happened. but i'd always crack open an eye just to see if maybe dad had fallen asleep and forgotten to make me get back in my bed.
i didn't put you in your bed until i knew you were asleep. i waited about 10 minutes. you hadn't opened your eyes in the longest time...so i assume you are fast asleep.
i love this time with you. i'm so blessed to be able to be at home with you. we read books. we talk. we go for walks. we do everything together. i've even started napping with you. i always hold you when we nap. i hold you really close to me. your head fits perfectly in the crook of my neck. and you sleep best in my arms.
i love you so much honey. and i wish that you'd stay this age forever. but i'll trust what jarrod wolfe said...and be excited in knowing that it only gets better....
i can't imagine how it would...but we'll see.
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About Me
- hannah
- i'm a girl who likes to write. not a girl that's necessarily good at writing. it's cathartic, i think. and boy do i need that from time to time. i married a wonderful man named clint in may of 2007. he is everything i am not. he is calm. he makes plans. he is organized. his truck is always clean. his clothes are hung by types of shirt/color/size/etc. i'm full of nervous energy. i'm spur of the moment. i can't ever find what i'm looking for. we live in my car...pretty much. i'm lucky if my clothes are within ten feet of my closet. God gave us a precious angel of a baby in september of 2008. his name is pratt allen. he is 2.5 years old.we have another little one on the way. his name is max wesley. and he is due may 19th. somehow i'll be the mother of two boys. craaaaa.zy. i spend my days cleaning house. picking worms and caterpillars out of the flower beds. cooking meals. shopping at target. washing clothes. playing on the floor. reading books. doing puzzles. traveling to sonic. and the library. and blogging. i hope you enjoy our blog. feel free to leave a comment. hopefully it's a nice one. i tend to wear my heart on my sleeve.
1 comment:
i love these letters to pratt. my biggest regret in life is not journaling when i first became a mother. so many changes happen inside--wonderful changes, and those feelings eventually fade. not meaning that they fade away, but feeling that way becomes "the norm"--a good thing, but they don't make such an impression on you as when they are brand new (kind of like falling in love; well, EXACTLY like falling in love, actually!) my second biggest regret is not journaling when justin and i started dating.
i loved what you wrote on my blog:
"pratt was in the nicu for seven days when he was born. i was consumed with worry that we'd be unable to bond. i realize now that it was silly...but at the time, it was so real."
This is the perfect example of what i am talking about. Your inner knowledge was telling you in the most relentless way that you needed to be with him. Because of extenuating circumstances, you couldn't. That's where God's great design comes in. Though he creates "perfect windows" for certain events or milestones to happen (like birth bonding), he created us with resiliency...and alternate avenues for the event to eventually take place or be fullfilled. Allowing Pratt that extra holding time and opening his eyes--and you still being there--is what i'm talking about. Your thinking that it was silly now, to me, demonstrates that any roadblocks caused from a break in your birth bonding have long been conquored. it's so beautiful.
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