my angel baby.

I'm out of town. And I miss him.



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for spencer.

my sister is halfway through her pregnancy.  she's due in early january.

and she's had a few emotional days lately.  they have reminded me of how hard it is to be pregnant.  you tend to forget once the baby arrives and you begin the day to day survival mode.

i think being pregnant the first time was so much harder for me.  maybe because the before and after were so drastically different.  i went from having basically no responsibilities to having someone's life in my hands.  and that was so overwhelming.  i still remember vividly, watching my mother's car leave my driveway.  dip down...and head right.

i wanted to vomit.  because i was all alone with this baby.  this baby that couldn't talk.

now...now, i know that the world isn't going to come to an end if he cries in target.  i've even been so bold as to grab a diaper and a package of wipes and head out the door.  no bottle.  no pacifier.  no burp cloth.  i'm an old pro at this now.  i can bounce him on my knee, keep pratt from jumping out of his highchair, eat my food with one hand...not spill it on max's head...and hold a conversation with someone three seats down.

all the while a certain someone is using his knife to cut his broccoli and salmon and shrimp.

i can't remember the last time i was able to use a knife to cut my food.  maybe when i was still pregnant with pratt?!  probably.  i shock myself with how many things i can do at once.  it's true that moms/dads/primary caregivers really do make the world go round.

go us.

anyway.  my heart breaks for spencer as i think about what's she's feeling.  i remember trying so hard to explain to clint that i didn't know what was wrong.  that i couldn't name just one thing.

it was everything.  and nothing.  all at the same time.

and i wanted a hug.  but i didn't want to be touched.  but i wanted him to tell me it was all gonna be okay. yet, i knew it wasn't.

so confusing.  and hard.  and overwhelming.

so spencer, if you're reading this...hang in there.  because one day soon, you'll look at liza kate and you'll think...i'd do it all over for you.  even the worst days.  the days when i cried my face off multiple times.

i love you.
xoxo.

trike a thon.

so this morning at school, pratt had the st. jude trike-a-thon.  it was to raise money for the hospital AND learn about bike safety.

it's actually a minor miracle that we made it on time.  max might have slept 10 minutes last night.  i think he's trying to kill me.  i really do.  anyway, that's another story.

while pratt and i showered and got ready, max screamed in his nap nanny.  nothing wrong. just screamed because he wanted someone to hold him.  pratt is the best brother in the whole world.  he never complains. he just walked over, squatted down and said (in the most precious baby voice), "hey maxy max.  what's wrong?  can i make you laugh?  will you smile? max! max!?"

when he just continued to cry, pratt stands up and still in his little baby voice goes, "well, okay.  i'm just gonna walk away."

so funny.

then when we got in the car, he had his headset on.  he needed the volume turned up and said, "i need...i need to be able to hear it.  i can't hear it.  what is that word?! mom.  it's so frusturating (yes) when i can't fink of the word.  you know mom....turn it up."

louder.  that's what he was looking for.  or yowder.

so.  we finally made it to school.  he was so excited when he saw that the entire parking lot had been roped off for all the kids to ride.

i look around and guess what he did not have?!

a helmet.  yes!  no helmet for the trike-a-thon.  where bike safety was being taught!!! usually, i'd be embarrassed.  but i'm a mom.  and well, moms don't get embarrassed.  or maybe we did.  but not 3 years in.  nothing could embarrass me anymore.  honestly.  i can't think of anything.

there was one other kid (out of a million) that didn't have a helmet.  he was wearing a hat.  so we put pratt's hat on.  he brought his own sunglasses.  i had nothing to do with that.  but hey...he's cool.  what can i say?

i think he, and all the other kids had such a great time!  it was wonderful to talk about bike safety and the importance of giving to wonderful places like st. jude's research hospital.

brothers.

true love.



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my max.

i catch myself hiding out sometimes with max.  just me and him.  i'll sneak him up from a nap.  wrap him in my sheets.  and lay with him.  while pratt watches tv downstairs.  or takes a bath.  or brushes frank's teeth.

i did this alot with pratt.  just laying next to him.  talking and laughing.  but it's harder with a second baby.

anyway, back to max.  he's really starting to smile at me.  i feel like i know him better and i know what makes him laugh and giggle.  he knows my voice and will look all over a room to find me and then smile at me.  he smiles so big that his eyes close up.  just the way his daddy's do.

i love watching him and clint together.  i love seeing clint's face when max smiles.  we've waited four long months for some expression besides anger or pain or the crying face.  so we love every grin we get.

he has found his hands.  and loves to chew on them.  he can roll both ways.  only because of his temper. for reals.

he is a BIG fan of eating.  he gets that honestly (from me).  tonight i gave him rice cereal with a little pear juice.  we use the pear juice because the soy gives killer constipation.  he couldn't get enough of it.  he started lunging for the spoon and grabbing my hands.  totally my kid. 

he laughed so hard at pratt in the bathtub tonight.  they are so sweet together.  i tried taking a picture, but the moment seems lost when it gets all flat.

i wish i could explain to them how much they are going to love each other.  and how much fun they will soon have.

and how i would give anything in this whole wide world to go back to my house.  my original house.  my parents house.  to split a bathroom with spencer.  having those mirrors covered with NKOTB posters.  being right there.  right next door.

i miss her when i see them together.

they are too young to understand what gift they have been given.  someday they will know.

and i can't wait to see that happen.

life moves.

today marks pratt going to school two days a week.

i resisted as long as i could.  and then when he had breakdown #437 this weekend after having to leave a friend's house, i just gave in.  had a long talk about how i could make it better.  he told me he "wuved paying wif friends.  all the time.  all day long.  i wuv to go, mommy."

it was then i realized that i'm raising my sister.  the person who as a kid, NEVER wanted to be at home.  always wanted to be with friends.

luckily, he was able to start going mondays too.  it breaks my heart that he's this old.

he looks like he's in the 8th grade.  fueling up on some wheaties for his big track meet.

i know that all too soon, max will be sitting there.  at the bar.  wanting cereal in his peter rabbit bowl.

as my friend adam quoted on fb yesterday...

life moves pretty fast.  if you don't stop and look around once in a while...you could miss it.


here's to stopping...and looking.  and taking it all in.

recipes you MUST have.

i'm on a cleanse.

read: i'm dying.  slowly, but surely.  sure, i've lost weight.

but that crap about "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"...well, they don't have a sweet tooth.  and if my husband (who is also on the cleanse because he knows me well enough to know that i can't do anything alone) mentions cream-filled long johns again, i'm gonna kick him.  

i want....everything you name, i want it.  pizza.  cookies.  salsa and warm, salty chips.  i want chocolate milk.  and deep fried oreos from the fair.  i want anything besides lettuce.

anyway, i digress.

mom posted my TWO favorite snacks EVER on her blog.

easy cinnamon rolls

and

french puffs

go to the grocery store right now.  buy the ingredients (and yes, you'll need about 8 sticks of butter), and make these.  make both of them TODAY.  RIGHT NOW.  STAT.

and eat them for me.  because come day 30, i'm making everything on that blog...and i'll be eating it until i explode day 31.

life is really not worth living if you can't have good food.  and yes, i mean it.  seriously.  i'm cool with being chubby.  my husband thinks i'm hot.  that's all that matters, right?

right.

bee ducks version.

So there are several versions of tangrams on daddy's iPad.

So Pratt asked tonight....







"is this the bee-ducks or tids version?!"

Deluxe or kids version?

Bee ducks. That's what deluxe sounded like. Clint and I are horrible because I kept asking him to repeat it. Acting like I wasn't sure what he was saying.

The best part is that he was being so grown up about asking. Like he wanted us to be impressed by his knowledge of realizing there was a difference. Which there is.

The bee ducks version allows you to double click the shape to invert it.

As he was working on one puzzle, clint said, "I'll be really impressed if you're able to do this one."

Pratt goes, "yeah dad. You'll be proud of me?!"

So, so funny. He's so much cooler than me.

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one time.

this morning pratt and i were snuggling up, watching cartoons...trying to make the morning slow down before he had to go to school (before he "got" to go to school, he would say because he LOVES it), when he looked at me and said, "i just pooted one time.  do you smell it?"

and he wasn't saying it to get a laugh.  he was just saying it to make sure i knew he had done it.  so innocently.  almost like he was sorry if it was a bad one. but he wanted me to know that it was only one.  only one time.

i laughed and laughed.  then grabbed him and held him in my arms as tight as i could.  he put his two legs in between mine and we watched a little more cat in the hat.

that's when i wish time would stand still.

Ribbit.

The largest frog in say lean county was found in the flower bed today. While we were weeding.







Seriously. Look at his hand!

We could probably make a meal from his legs.

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peek a boo.

pratt is officially scared of his room at night.

naptime.  no problem.  like, he will put himself down for a nap if i'm late about doing it.

bedtime.  PROBLEM.  the size of texas.  he's scared.  of the curtains.  of the pictures.  of the monster in his closet.

last night he told me,

i need two people to sweep in here wif me.  just two.  wike you and daddy.  vat's all, mommy.  just you and daddy.


i told him that i would sit in his chair and watch him fall asleep.  and that i promised i would not leave until he had fallen completely asleep.  BUT...if he opened his eyes one time, i was leaving.  that suited him.  so he rolled over, facing me.  stuck his two fingers in his mouth, grabbed a hold of b and closed his eyes.

ten seconds later, he takes his fingers out of his mouth, covers his eyes with that hand and then ever so slightly peeks through his fingers.

i fell out laughing.  i couldn't help it.  he honestly didn't think i'd notice.

kids are the best.

and yes, he slept in our bed.  which means i slept with a butt and/or feet in my face/back all.night.long.

highlights.

Highlights of today:

1. Pratt told my mom this morning that he wants to be called "Jamie".

Jamie is my dad.

If it was possible for my dad to love him more...then it just happened.

2. The Jamie that he loves so much tucked his pajama shirt into his pajama shorts.

I'm not making this up. And Pratt left them. Even though I think he knows it's dorky. But pop pop can do anything. It's ridic.







3. Pratt went fishing with pop pop and daddy. Here's his catch...







Good times.

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feed me, Seymour.

Isn't there a contest where you win a prize if you can stick your entire fist in your mouth?






Someone needs to sign him up...

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the chronic.

bible:

if max doesn't start napping, i'm gonna start smoking.

and no worries.  it won't be anything bad for me.  like tobacco.

no. it's gonna be weed.  the chronic.

i'm for real.  it's killing me.  this no napping thing.

it's 2:09 pm.  he's been up since 7 am.  and he has slept for 20 minutes.

that's freaking 7 hours.
20 minutes out of 7 hours.

that's not right.

and the only thing to make it right is drugs.

not that i've ever done them before.  because i honestly haven't.  but i'm gonna start soon if this crap keeps up.

so if you see me, and i use an awful lot of surfer language (dude, hang ten, etc), call clint.  and get me to barbie bramblett's detox unit stat.

bug bingo.

so today while max napped for 2.5 hours (on his belly.  don't call DHS.), pratt and i played bug bingo.  if you have a kid that likes bugs...i encourage you to get this game.  it's educational and fun...even for me. i actually don't hate playing it.  i kinda like it.




the tick card came up and as i was reading the back...

the tick is a parasite...


pratt stopped me.

p: a parasite! like a kite.  you know, like it sails over the sea.  with a person in it.  


obviously he was thinking of parasail....but close.  really close :)  mom, maybe he saw that picture of you a few summers ago.  parasailing over lake hamilton...?












it was cold.  but it was important to have ALL the animals outside with us.  caterpillar. scout. froggy. and little b.







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b.nana.

Max is definitely my child. He loves food. He already knows what it is. And he wants it in his belly.

Pratt was having a b.nana earlier today. Max became really interested.













Dude! I'm right here. Sneak me a piece.







Like, he basically rolled over to find it.







Success! No worries. We mashed it really, really small. And yes, I know. 6 months. Whatever. It's just a banana. I'm THAT mom.







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heaven.

honestly. this is what it should be like year round.












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birthday dinner.

We loooove sushi. So Tuesday, we headed to the Japanese steakhouse for pratt's birthday.

Cookie, pop pop, Jill, jerrod, brandi and Baylor all shared our dinner. Mom, dad and Jill had taken Pratt to gymnastics prior to dinner.

We usually eat at a regular table, but I thought Pratt and Baylor might like the grill.










They did well at first. But Pratt isn't a big fan of loud noises. And neither is Baylor. The gigantic burst of flames was pretty overwhelming too. So we will probably just stick with our regular table from now on ;)














He's such a lucky little guy. Birthdays are so much fun.

Sunday at church we saw Gordon. He was at the party Saturday with his kids. He walked up to Pratt and said, "happy birthday!" Pratt goes, "Uh, I already did that yesterday."

:) so you can imagine how confused he was Tuesday about what festivities we had planned. He thought he was getting to go back to the bouncehouse ;)

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four months.

so yesterday when pratt turned 3, max turned 4 months.  they are both 13th babies.  crazy.  easy to remember.  and here's what's really wild about it.

my birthday is the 9th.  clint's is the 4th.  if you add 9 plus 4...13.  i guess i should have known all along that we'd have 13th babies.  max being the friday the 13th baby.  super cool.

anywho.

max.  4 months.  no idea how we made it to 4 months.  but this is the time i've been waiting for.  seriously.  i have.  it's when 90% of colic in ALL babies is gone.  can i get an amen!? i made it.  i feel like i can do anything at this point.  because 3 months ago, i wasn't sure i'd get here.

speaking of colic.  we are sleeping free of a swaddle blanket.  it's not something i want to do.  because his naps are maybe 40 minutes without the blanket...BUT, he was starting to roll over in the swaddle.  and well, you know, that's not good.  so we just quit.  cold turkey.

last night was night three and he did really well.  he woke at 5 am...cried about 5 minutes then fell back asleep until 650.  i'm trying to get us to 7 pm to 6 or 7 am.  that's reasonable...unless he's in the 5% of kids that need a night feeding.  but i don't think he does.

naps.  well, we're no where near a perfect nap schedule.  he should be going down around 9...sleeping 2 hours, then again napping around 12 or 1.  for 2 hours.  then a short nap around 430 or 5.  but it's not happening.  'round here, naps aren't "naps" unless they are over 45 minutes.

it's been a loooong road.  i'm giving it 10 days, and then he's up for adoption.  not really.  i love him.  but he really is killing me on the no napping thing.  i LIVE for naptime.  it's the ONLY time during the day that i can relax.  and be alone.  does that sound bad?  i don't mean for it to.  i honestly believe that i'm a better mom when i get some alone time.  not much.  like an hour.  that's all i need.  1 hour out of 24.

max's personality is really starting to shine through.  he is waking up happy.  and playful.  he has found his feet.  and he can roll over when he wants to.  from back to tummy.  he hates being on his tummy so i'm not sure why he rolls over.  he's slowing down on the whole eating thing.  he was eating every 2 hours...around 5 ounces.  now he's eating maybe 5 ounces every 3 to 4 hours.  and sometimes he isn't interested at all in food.

he loves pratt more than he loves anyone else.  when he hears pratt talk, he tries to talk too.  last night we were on our way back from birthday dinner when pratt was talking in the car.  max immediately chimed in.

pratt: mom! max is talking! do you hear him?  what is he saying, mom?  


me: he's trying to talk to you, pratt.  i'm not sure what's he's saying.  what do you hear?


pratt: i fink he's saying i did so good at bihm-nastics.  


(laura, to answer your question...YES. i think maybe elson invented gymnastics.  or at least my child thinks so.)

he laughs at pratt.  smiles at him.  coos at him.  anything and everything.  he just thinks he's the greatest brother ever.  already.  at 4 months.  it already breaks my heart because i know there will be a time when pratt is not the kindest brother.  and i will die.

he loves to watch people.  he does really well even when he's tired.  he's drooling everywhere now.  so much so that if you don't keep a bib on him, he will drool all over his outfit in a matter of minutes.  his eczema is much better.  we're using all fragrance free/dye free stuff and he seems to be feeling fine. so if you see me, and i smell like a 2nd grade boy who has been on the playground...well, it's because i can't use any type of perfume.  so...there.  i smell like a kid.  and i'm proud of it.

it's crazy to think that 4 months have already flown by.  something about 2 kids makes time seem to really speed up.  i don't like that part.  at all.

happy third birthday.

i typed out happy...and now i'm crying.

somehow i have let time fly by. and my first born baby boy is three. well, he will officially be three at 5:35 pm.

it's so cliche. but i have absolutely no idea where the years have gone. i was holding him today (cradled in my arms) and his entire body wraps around me. his head is so big compared to max's. his hands are so big. his feet are so big. it's all depressing.

he and his brother are probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. i guess, being a mom is the best thing. it's changed my entire life. all of my priorities. the way i feel. the way i act. the way i react.

honestly. every single bit about me. every single thing that makes me, me...has changed.

i look at kids differently. when i hear a kid throwing a fit, i see my own child. i don't judge. (at least, i try not to). when i see a mother having a nervous breakdown in kroger, i see myself.

for so many months, i was no good at the mom thing. i really wasn't. but lately, i look at him, and i realize that he isn't spectacular just because. no. it's been because he has been surrounded by people who love him. and love him enough to discipline him. and correct him. but at the same time, LOVE him with every fiber of my/their being.

he's a lucky, blessed little boy. but i think he knows it. at least, he will. because i'll never stop telling him.

so today he is three. my favorite number. and i am sure that this will be my most favorite year yet. even if we have one million and ten temper tantrums.

some things about my little guy...

his vocabulary is extensive. that's putting it mildly. he sometimes says things that i cannot believe he knows. he asked me yesterday to "backtrack" so we could find little b. my jaw dropped open. backtrack, i asked?! yes. "you know. do what we did prior to this, mom."

prior!? he's like a sponge. it's scary. our conversations are like those i have with my husband. we talk about heaven. and the difference between things. we talk about when he was born. about when max is gonna be able to walk and play and laugh with him.

he might weigh 27 pounds. he's a little over 3 feet tall. he wears a 7.5 shoe. maybe an 8. something around there. he's funny. and silly. and loves to dance. he loves to read. and paint. and find bugs. but more than any of those things...he LOVES to talk. to anyone and everyone. he's definitely the interrupting chicken. but he has started raising his hand when clint and i are talking. if we don't immediately acknowledge it, he starts, "momma! momma! my hand is raised!!! see, i have a question!"

he doesn't watch much tv these days. he'd rather be doing anything else. be outside. on his swingset. or laying in the grass looking for bugs. playing in the rocks or dirt. playing in daddy's garage. building something with his toolset. anything else. he loves to help me cook. put up dirty dishes. unload the dishwasher. he likes to set the table for dinner. he puts all the napkins out, with all the utensils. he loves to feed yoda. and water the plants.

he goes to kids day out one day a week, but has recently started asking to go more. i'm working on this. i don't want to keep him home if he's bored...but time has been moving so quickly. i'm nervous about sending him into the world too soon. so, so nervous.

he still naps from around 1 until 3 or 4. if he hasn't slept good the night before, he will nap longer. like he's catching up. he can sleep through max's cries. which is good. because max and i are currently working on naps. but that's a whole different post.

i guess that's about it. he's 3....going on 17. and i'm pretty broken hearted about it. i should start getting anxiety meds now. so i'll be used to it by the time he goes to kindergarden. because seriously, how will i EVER do that!?





here are two pictures i took. this morning we had mcdonald's on the back porch while max napped. and then we had brownies after our lunch. WITH our "3" candle. because i think we should sing happy birthday as many times as possible.

for dinner, we are gonna head to the sushi place. it's our favorite. we always sit at a regular table. so i thought it might be special to sit at the hibachi grill tonight. he will love it :)

more on his birthday party later.  i have LOTS of pictures to upload.

wps.

I've been replaced. I'm no longer the number one choice for a football game date.




Also. No one hates the porta-potty more than me. Well, except for this guy....




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pete and repeat.

i just can't do this anymore.

that's what my 2 year old said on the way home from clint's office.

he had gotten in trouble because he is the WORST at leaving.  he flips.  cries.  tiger growls.  claws at the air.  etc, etc.  we had gone up to see mr. mitch's dog.  he works next to clint.  we were there 15 minutes.  when i told him we were leaving (and had given him PLENTY of notice), he did it.  the tiger growl.  the pout.  all of it.  it's so old.  i get so tired of it.

anyway.  i put him in his seat and told him that as soon as we got home he was going to time out.  and i took his bunny away.

he started hyperventilating.  for real.  i had to hide my face to keep from laughing.  he cried and cried.  about 3 minutes later, he says it.

mom, i just can't do this anymore.

i about died.  that is EXACTLY what i say all.the.time.

i just can't do this anymore.  

i'm not proud.  it's horrible.  but i often sometimes feel that way.  and so he hears it.

i say it when max is screaming and won't take a bottle.  won't sleep.  won't do anything but scream.
i say it when the ipad from hell is all out in its glory.
i say it when i have 3 baskets of laundry that need to be folded but no one is jumping up to help me.

i pretty much say it all the time.

judge me.  i don't care.  because that's real over here.  yes.  real life.  and if it's not real at your house, great.  you're awesome.  but it's not rainbows and skittles over here.  it's a-holes and elbows and i'm just trying to make it through the day without losing my stuff.

(getting off my box.......)

so he says it.  and i said, "what can't you do?"

he says, "this.  this, mom.  i can't do it.  i'm so sad.  and you aren't even upset that i'm so sad.  in fact, (yes, he said 'in fact') you took bunny foo foo.  and you aren't even worried that i'm crying."

me: "yes, i'm worried.  but you made the choice.  you decided how to act.  and that led to me taking bunny foo foo.  and you crying.  that's not a hannah problem.  that's a pratt problem."

him: "hannah.  haha.  i'm gonna start calling you hannah.  will that make you happy?  or sad?  if i call you hannah will you give bunny foo foo back?"

i kinda chuckled.

him: "ha! i saw you smile.  hannah hannah hannah.  fanks for not making me go to timeout.  i can't do timeout. i just can't."

so that's good, right?

i just can't do this anymore doesn't mean life problems.  it means timeout.

whew.  good to know.

goooooooood morning!

Who needs indoor plumbing when you live in the woods?

Not this guy...



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pictures.

max ate cereal with pear juice last night, folks.  it's official.  he's gonna eat me out of house and home.  pratt wasn't able to eat until well over 6 months.  he didn't want anything pushed in his mouth.  he would just spit it right back out.  reflex, i think?

max...different story.  he ate a pretty big bowl of cereal mixed with pear juice.  i knew he was okay with pear juice because he has a few ounces once a week because the soy can cause some bowel problems.  so i tried it.  because he's the hungriest kid i know.  and of course, he ate it up.




we are really loving this cool weather.  we get to swing and swing and swing.  without breaking a sweat.

wait.  i should clarify that.  "we" means "mom and pratt".  "we" does not mean "grumpy pants".  this is his standard face.




until he sees meredith in target.  then he's all smiles for the pretty lady.  seriously.  like, he had not smiled all morning.  and then he sees her, and he's all craning his neck around to see her.  and smile at her.  it kinda hurts my feelings.  but i guess she is the prettiest person ever.  (honestly.) so i'm cool with it.

and here is pratt.  in his new dinosaur pajamas (thanks mom ;).  he loves them.  and he loves the 70-something degree night air.  awesome, blossom.  (that's his new phrase).




happy friday! (clint doesn't work tomorrow.  woooohooooo!)



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a morning with p.

i took this yesterday.  the first day we've worn long sleeved shirts.  doesn't he look so handsome sitting there?  he picked those flowers for me.  because that's what he does when he sees flowers.  picks them for his momma.

he's gonna be the sweetest boy ever.  someone said he was going to be a heartbreaker on facebook.  i disagree.  his daddy was not a heartbreaker.  he was the exact opposite.  he was kind.  and honest.  and loving.  and not at all a heartbreaker.  well, he sort of broke my heart by waiting for what seemed like FOREVER to ask me to marry him (5 years.  or 9 years if you count from the day dr. knight said "he will be the man you marry" when let's be honest, we SHOULD have gotten married that day anyway. yes, i'm serious.)

anywho.  that's beside the point.  point is...that this little guy is gonna be kind.  i promise to make sure of it.

we were on our way to his school (kids day out) this morning, when a man came over into my lane of traffic.  i said something like, "come on man.  i'm right here.  see me?" and i waved.  pratt immediately asked what was wrong.  i explained that someone had gotten in my lane.  he said, "was he a nice man, momma?"

i said yes.  that i'm sure he was.

he asked, "is everyone nice?"

i tried to explain that i thought everyone tried to be nice.  but that sometimes we failed.  i failed to always be nice.  and i was sure others did too.  but i felt that at the core of it, we all desired to nice, to be kind.

which prompted, "what is desire?"

i explained that.  went on to say that we needed help being nice.  it didn't come easy in all situations.

and then he says, "but God desires all of us to be nice.  right, momma?"

yes.  yes.  He does.  very much so.  and then he said,  "then i can at least try? and that man in your lane, he can at least try.  right, momma?"

it's moments like that i have to keep myself from poppin' a wheelie and pulling over to the side of the road.  getting out and getting him out of his carseat and sitting with him in my lap.  crying on top of his curly hair.

a few minutes later, i dropped him off at school.  he just ran in.  didn't say anything to me.  not bye.  not i love you. nothing.  he just darted in while i was putting his bag on his hook.  we've gone from crying and begging me not to leave him...to him running from me.  i guess it's good.  no, i know it's good.  but it still hurts a little.  because this is yet another chapter to his life.  which means we're further from the beginning.  we're further from him being a baby.  my baby.

i understand now why people never stop having children.  why people keep having babies.  because they are only babies for such a short period of time.  i don't feel that way though.  because i just want him to stay this age forever.  i don't want another child.  i don't want another personality.  i want to stop time with him.  with pratt.

i really honestly am at that point in my life when i look forward to being with him.  that may sound weird.  like i haven't wanted to be with him before.  that's not it.

it's more that i have enjoyed being alone.  going to the grocery alone.  going to target alone.  etc, etc.  but now, now i miss him.  i've thought a lot about this.  and all i can come up with is that he's become such a huge part of my life.  like my everyday life.  and he's become so independent.  and such a bright little boy.

he makes me happy.  and he makes me laugh.  he keeps me company.  and he kisses and hugs me throughout the day.  he helps me cook.  and clean up.  and do laundry.  fold clothes.  he makes his bed.  he put up his dirty clothes.  he picks up the mudroom.  i'm telling you...he's like a 12 year old kid.  sans the attitude.

there will be a day when i look out my front door and he's sitting on that step.  waiting for a ride.  waiting for some girl.

to say that i can literally feel my heart ache is an understatement.

if i could, i would hold him in my arms and never, ever, ever let him go.  never let him grow up.  never let him leave me.  no college.  no marriage.  no nothing.  just me, him, his daddy and his little brother.

go hug your kids.  or anyone else you might see.

in ten days.

That little boy is going to be 1095 days old (something like that) in 10 days. That's three years old.

THREE years old. Three!!!!

It seems like he should be 25 days old. That's all. Not a day over 25 days old.

I have let time get away from me. For that, I'm sad. But I wouldn't trade these days for anything in the world. I love him so much.





And in 10 days, this little guy will be 123 days old. That seems too old as well.

I love this picture. In pop pop's hat. I love him. (pop pop too).





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