sunday.

There are few things better on a warm day than running through daddy's sprinkler and eating Popsicles. Or even better, dreamsicles.










We love Sunday afternoons.

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my clint.

clint was away from early Friday until he showed up in Sunday school this morning.

I missed him a lot.

I hope that I never stop missing him when he is away from me. I don't think I will. There is something about my life that isn't complete without him.

I'm so lucky to have found him. Not a single day goes by that I don't realize that. I in no way deserve him.

Oh, and this guy was pretty excited to see him too. ;)



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how to.

several months ago i had little experience in keeping two kids happy while i got ready for the day.

sure.  i could always get up really early.  like at 4.  but i'm not doing that.  because then by 3 pm, i'd be done for the day.  and i can't be done for the day until around 8.

so.  i learned to get ready really quickly.  and i learned to relax a little.

case in point....

pratt takes showers and "makes it into a swimming pool".  yes.

you read that right.

he takes a washcloth and puts it over the drain.  then he lets all the hot water fill the bottom of the shower. and he jumps around in there.  sometimes he squeezes all the shampoo out of the containers into his watering can (yes, it's in there) to make "honey".  i don't know.  other times he uses all the shaving cream to "wash" the doors.

i've given up on that mattering to me.  and if you're reading this and it matters to you, then either a.  you have no children or b. you are a robot.

max has just taken all his toys out of his basket.  and has eaten a tag off that big bird toy you see at his foot.  uh huh. yes.  the other day pratt and i were crafting (i use that term loosely) and max apparently got a hold of a 2 and 3 sticky foam number.  aaaaaaaaand he ate them.

how do i know?

oh no.  not because i watched him do it.  no.  he was in my lap.  facing away from me.

i know he did it because they showed up again in his diaper.  actually in his diaperS.  first the three.  then the two.

this is my life.  me getting ready while the two loves of my life destroy my bathroom.  it is only at this point, that you have truly lived.

and i wouldn't have it any other way.

mom.

I have absolutely no idea what I did prior to being a mommy.
















Clint and I are so blessed.

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win/win.

I've been trying to figure out what to get nana for her birthday. This morning I asked him for his suggestion. He said,

"why don't you just get her a marble set or sumfing?! That way when I go to her house, we will be able to play it. She says she loves to play with me. And I love marble sets. So it's a win/win!"

He's the funniest kid I know.









Don't worry, nana. Only Santa makes those marble sets. So you'll have to accept something else ;)

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least good.

i'm always looking for a new book to read.  or a new book to start.  because if i'm honest, i only finish about half of the books i start.

why?  mostly because i get bored.  or i start reading something else.  or because they just don't keep my attention like i think they should.

when i was a kid, my favorite books were r.l. stine books.  fear street.  man, i loved them.  i would read them in a matter of hours.  get to the end, only to figure out what happened.  the man wrote so many of them he basically ran out of surprise endings.  i think that's when the habit started.  once i figure it out, i'm done.  no sense in reading.

i saw my friend rebekah was reading something the other day.  she's a mom of 3 and because of that, i assume if she's reading something, it's good.  she's also this unique person who i really believe is better than most people i know.  i know a lot of people.  but she's different.  she is kind.  and loving.  and patient.  and i've never heard her be critical of anyone.  and she never tries to "keep up" with anyone else. she's just real.  and so all of that mixed up in one, sparked my interest in her reading choice.

it was a book called "anything" by jennie allen.  i got in the mail yesterday.  and started reading it this morning.

let me back up.

ever since whitney houston's funeral, i've been struggling with something.  kevin costner said something that i haven't forgotten.  he told the story about how whitney never really thought she was good enough. good enough to sing.  good enough as a person. etc. that she always doubted herself and her talents and her abilities.  and so he said,

Off you go Whitney, off you go. Escorted by an army of angels to your heavenly father. When you sing before him, don’t you worry. You’ll be good enough.

i teared up hearing it.  because much like whitney, i've never really thought i was good enough either.  if i try hard, i can place the feeling maybe in middle school.  probably not before that.  it got worse as i got older.  becoming nearly nonexistent in high school.  and even into college.  i think for a short period of time i had no opinion at all of myself.  i was numb.  empty.  as i sit here and recount this, i worry about my boys.  i pray that they never, ever feel the way i have felt.

there was always a strong desire to matter.  to do good.  to be good.  there was always this feeling of knowing that i needed something i didn't possess.  but i never could really put my finger on it.

and so when i heard what he said, i found a sense of relief.  like, "well, if whitney houston didn't think she was good enough to sing, then my feelings are normal.  and justified.  and that makes me normal.  and so i can stop worrying.  and i can trust kevin costner (find the humor, here?) because surely he's talking about me too.  i'm good enough.  God thinks i'm good enough.

and then the next day i went to sunday school.  where randy actually brought up this EXACT dialogue.  and tears came to my eyes and i once again thought, see!  it's being mentioned here! in sunday school.  i was right.  kevin was right! i'm good enough.  God thinks i'm good enough.  


about the time that last thought was creeping into my mind, randy said,

actually, she's not good enough.  none of us are.  

we are selfish and impatient.  we are ungrateful and deceitful.

more than anything else, we need Him. 

we are nothing without Him.  

chapter two of this new book is called, "least good".  she says,

 a person can learn the right behavior for any character quality.  though some of my behavior came from a pretty sincere place, the truth has always been that without God's intervention, i am selfish and prideful at every minute of every day.  

i care what others think because deep down i want to be seen as great -- 

i want to matter.  

i find it impossible to forgive; to truly be able to forgive people who hurt us most be one of God's greatest miracles.  and i belittle the God of the universe by worrying as if he is not really in control.  inside, my soul seems to slant toward every quality i would never want to possess.  

i live assuming i am not alone in these weaknesses.  

mostly because i know a lot of people.

that's me.  she just described me.  i'm that person right there.  i know how to act in certain social situations.  i know how to be presentable.  how to "act" nice.  i know how to smile at someone and "play" kind.  

but just like she says, i'm selfish and prideful at every minute of every day.  

i wish i could leave a post it note out for God to leave me notes at night.  i wish i woke up to answers penned by Him.  left on pieces of paper around my house.  love notes of sort.  but i don't.  i don't think that will ever happen. 

and so all i know to do is to move closer to Him.  have a better friendship, relationship with Him. 

i'm tired of being prideful.  

i'm tired of caring about crap that doesn't matter.  

i'm tired of being tired.   

so my prayer this morning is that i start listening.  and following.  and when God speaks to me, i hear Him.  

dear max.

dear max,

today i subbed in your kids day out room.  when i got there, jamie went on and on about how good you were.  how sweet you were.  how you never threw fits.  or screamed or cried.  how all you did was crawl around and giggle and smile at all the little girls.

i owe you an apology.  lately, i thought you might be slipping back to that baby from day 21 to 121.  i was wrong.

let me explain.

i'm with you 24 hours a day.  7 days a week.  you only go to kdo if i have something i MUST do alone.  i think you've been 4 times in your life.  that's 4 times out of almost 365 days.  or 364 because it was a leap year?  idk.

anyway.  my point is that i see you at your best and worst and all in between.  much like you see me at my best and my worst.  i have no in between because i'm an emotional rollercoaster and well, i'm up or down.  yes, i need meds for that.  yes.  i'm serious.

i forget that you're teething.  and yearning to be more independent.  and that all you really want to do is walk.  and run.  and have your big brother carry you around on his back all the live long day.

jamie was right.  you never once whined.  or screamed.  or even cried at naptime.  you played with everyone.  you would crawl up to one of the girls and smile and rub at her face.  then you'd crawl to the next little baby and do the same thing.  it was so sweet to watch.

it's hard for me to sit here and admit that in 3 weeks, you will be a whole year old.  i don't know how that happened.  i don't know where time went.  i don't know what we spent the last year doing.

i know that i'm a much better mom now.  something about this age...it's easier for me.  and in turn, i'm more patient.  and you're happier.  and that makes me so happy.  if i could, i would have 5 one year old babies.  that is how comfortable i am with you.  right now.

i love you.  i cannot wait to watch you in the days ahead.  they are bittersweet.  but i know i'm blessed to have a healthy and happy baby boy.

xoxo,
mommy.

Marriage.

Pratt: "mom, why do people get married?"

Me: "well, you get married when you love someone and you never want to be without them."

Pratt: "so, me and you will get married? When? And can we still live here with max and daddy?"

Yes to both.



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better.

sunday morning we were sitting in church.  and i was listening to the praise band sing, "above all".  i became so choked up when they started in on the chorus.

crucified, laid behind the stone
you lived to die,
rejected and alone.
like the rose
trampled on the ground
you took the fall
and thought of me above all

my eyes were filled with tears.  i kept trying to think of funny stuff.  like all the times i've stumbled in public.  nothing worked.  i just kept crying.

at one point, clint leaned over and said something funny to me.  he was trying to help.  but i couldn't stop. and as i fumbled through my purse for a kleenex, all i could find was one of max's socks.  so i just used that.  you know how that is.  it couldn't have been that dirty.  i mean, he can't even walk yet.  and he rarely wears socks WITH shoes.  so there wasn't any 11 month old baby foot sweat on it.

i digress.

it was the imagery of him. of jesus.  living to die.  and dying alone.

we had just studied the crucifixion in sunday school.  and all i could imagine was that being my son up there.  and me not being able to do a single thing about it.  my mind wanders to that chapter in blue like jazz.  when donald is talking about what mary must have been thinking when it was happening.

i kept thinking of allllllllllllllll my many sins.  all the things i've done wrong.  big and little.

ever since then i've been trying really hard to find patience in my every day life.  i've been listening to podcasts.  mostly francis chan ones.  i've been dealing with some anger towards some people in my life and i've been trying so hard to stop the madness.  stop being upset.  stop letting it bother me so much.  and so i've found myself grabbing my bible and reading something, anything as soon as i get mad.  or upset.  or bothered.

it's working, i think.

by thursday pratt asked if i was gonna "turn on jesus".  so i did.  he listened too.  until he started asking questions.  and then i made him go watch doc mcstuffins.  but max listened.  he listened without ever interrupting.  i think he knows i need jesus.  i think he remembers the 100 days of screamfest 2011.

my brother in law said something to me at easter that i haven't forgotten.  i was trying to persuade carolina from ever getting married.  i was telling her how hard married life could be at time with kids.  i wasn't REALLY meaning that she shouldn't get married.  because let's be honest.  i love my husband more than i love anyone or anything else in this entire world.  he is the reason i am not broke, living in a box somewhere.  he is the reason i strive to be better.  he is the reason i shave my legs.  and brush my teeth.  he is IT for me.

but still.  i do want to cut him sometimes.  like when he sits in the recliner and watches tv while the ENTIRE kitchen needs to be cleaned.  and laundry needs to be folded.  and pratt's teeth need to be brushed.  and he's just sitting there.  zoned in on that darn tv.  like he has not a care in the world.

and so that's what i was talking about.  joking, really.

and tyler said, "just remember, you have two boys.  two boys that will one day be grown men. and they are watching you."

they are.  and so are other people.  and so i need to be better.

i always need to be better.

may this be my reminder.

honey.

When we pull out of our driveway, we immediately smell the honeysuckle lining the woods next to our house and across the street. It's intoxicating. And reminds me of my childhood on Peppertree. I think it lined the back fence.







Pratt thinks it's so great. And it's been a reason to nerd out and talk about pollination. And the stamen and pistil. Long live Brother Brown.

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dear max.

dear max,

yesterday my friend rachel texted me.  it said, "max's first birthday on mother's day.  i could cry."

it wasn't the first time i had realized that may 13th was your birthday AND mother's day.  i only realized it because another friend mentioned that you were being christened on mother's day.  and how special that would be.

crazy how life comes full circle.  i honestly almost lost my mind those first 100 days.  like, you screamed.  and i cried.  yet, i would do it again in a heartbeat.

you are the most laid back child i've ever met.  at 11 months, you are one hundred and twenty percent opposite what you were those first four months.  you still have your lungs on you.  you can scream like no one i've ever heard.  but you save that scream.  for times when you're starving.  or when you've had it in the car.  baby einstein has really changed all that.  but still, you can let me know when you're over something.  and much like your sugar, and your cousin liza, as soon as you're done with something...you were done with it like yesterday.

you love your brother more than anyone else.  he's started to really talk to you.  treat you like an equal.  like you're 3.  or 10.  yesterday we were headed home after kdo and he told you all about the kite i bought for him.  there were two of them.  and at first, he wanted to share.  but then he decided that "all max can do is eat.  so i'll take his kite.  he can have it when he's grown up.  when he's 6."  no worries.  we will get you a kite.  i asked him to be kind.  and remember that you were his brother.  and that he always needed to take care of you.  his idea of taking care of you meant that he would explain how the kite works.  so he did just that.

he told you about how the wind "whips it up in the air toward Jesus".  and that you had to be careful for the powerlines.  i have no idea how he knows then.  he then started telling you about the generator we have.  and how the electricity will never go out.  and how his hermit crab would never know if the power was out or not because he lives in a shell.  where it's always dark.

you were just watching him the entire time.  laughing and smiling at him.  he would randomly reach his hand out and hold your hand.  and you would giggle and laugh and lose your breath.

i can't remember life before you, max.  it seems that we must have just been "playing" house before you came along.  maybe that was God's way of letting me practice.  because it couldn't have been complete without you.

i love how friendly you are.  i love how determined you are.  i love your chubby wrists.  and the way your eyes squint together when you smile.  i love how excited you get when you see a bottle.  you remind me so much of what your daddy must have been like as a baby.

i am honored to be your mommy.  and i so look forward to my life as a mom of two boys.  i'm blessed beyond my wildest dreams.

xoxo, mommy.

prayer request.

as sick as my kiddos have been, i've never experienced what my friend dannis is experiencing.

please please please say a prayer for them.  please.

here is her post.

Whoopi.

As Pratt rounded the stairs this morning when he woke, max looked at him and screamed, "whoopi"!!!

I don't even know. But Pratt and I both died laughing. And so did Max.

So all morning I've been calling Pratt, Whoopi. I'm gonna make it stick.




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p90x

first, i'd like to say thank you for your comments and messages in regards to my workout journey.  i really can't explain what it feels like to have almost completed 90 days of something.

several of you asked how i found the time. i'm glad you did :)

it varies.  some mornings i wake around 5 and workout.  most of the workouts in p90x are around 50 to 60 minutes long.  i'll be honest.  i don't ever do the stretching at the end.  so that usually takes around 5 to 7 minutes off the total time.

on the mornings i get up at 5, i find i feel best on those days.  i eat healthy meals.  i don't crave sweets and sugar.  at first, around 3 i would be exhausted.  but once i started really sticking with it, i wasn't tired.  however, i do have to go to sleep by 10 if i'm gonna wake at 5.

monday and wednesday, pratt goes to mothers day out.  from 9 to 2.  max takes his first nap around 9.  and it's usually an hour to an hour and a half.  so i work out when he's napping at 9.  i TRY to do it then because it's so easy.  this does mean that by the time i'm either getting in the shower or about to get ready, he's up.  and ready to play.  so we have been doing a LOT of playing on the bathroom floor.  we do a TON of peek-a-boo from the shower.  he eats lots and lots of cheetos while i shower and blow dry my hair.  but you moms understand that.  multitasking.  it goes hand in hand with motherhood.  or as my friend rachel says, "smotherhood".  amen.

and finally, more days than not, pratt and i do our "exercises" together.  he loves it.  he loves tony horton.  he loves my weights.  he loves drinking the water.  he loves jumping up and down.

but he most loves asking me a million and ten questions when i'm about to die and i'm out of breathe and sweating profusely.  that's what he really loves to do.  and sometimes he will walk to the pantry, get a bag of chips or little debbie nutty bar and bring it into the living room WHILE i'm working out and proceed to eat it while doing his "exercises".

so yes, it's not an ideal workout situation.  i'm often interrupted to get max.  or help pratt wipe.  or whatever else you can imagine.  but it works.  and i'm "doing my best and forgetting the rest".  so that's winning in my book.

to answer one of the questions, yes.  i started from nothing.  i had tried p90x before, but had never stuck with anything.  well, i did workout with my friend whitney after she had her baby like a million years ago.  but i had not done anything consistently since then.

as silly as it sounds, i talked to clint about it.  like, really opened up to him about it.  told him things that i hadn't talked about before.  about how i hated my legs.  and how i had fat, saggy knees.  how i was the most self conscious i had ever been.  and i won't go into much detail, but it was really affecting mine and his relationship.  i was uncomfortable with myself.  and he didn't understand why.  there was a HUGE lack of communication.

i want to stress that i'm happy how i am.  i still have work that needs to be done.  but i'm not through.  i'm 32.  and i've had 2 children.  and so my stomach will probably always have a little loose skin on it.  but there are abs there.  i never knew they were still there.  you won't ever catch me on facebook in a bikini.  or in booty shorts.  because this is my body.  not yours.  and so my weight and my results look different on me.

as i said before, i dropped 2 sizes.  here are my measurements from day 0, day 30 and day 60.

weight: 132/129/126
waist: 32/30/29
hips: 36/35/34
chest: 35/33/32
right arm and left arm: 11/10.5/10
right thigh: 20.5/19/19.5
left thigh: 21/20/19.5

that's over 18 inches, i think.

aside from working out, i did do shakeology for the first 30 days.  and still, every once in a while, i'll add it to oatmeal and eat it.  but i'm not really a fan of it.  mostly because it gets old.  quick.  but i think it's great.  and i wish i could force myself to eat it daily.  i just can't.  oh well.

i hear max stirring.  i hope this helps.  and i hope it motivates at least one person to get up and do something.  i cannot tell you how unhappy i was.  i dreaded summer.  i dreaded swimsuits.  i mean, i'm not looking forward to finding a bathing suit for the bahamas or anything...BUT, i won't cry in the dressing room.  and i'm definitely not gonna be rocking jeans all summer long.  which is what i did last summer.  hot, hot, hot.

have great mondays.


i

your dollar and your love.

as i was putting pratt to bed just now he reminded me to give him a dollar for sunday school tomorrow.  i told him that i would remember.

i said, "oh yeah.  for the plate that your teachers pass around."

pratt: "it's not a plate.  it's a basket.  and it's big.  cause there are a wot of kids in there."

me: "yes.  a basket so that you can each put your dollar in.  i'll remember."

pratt: "our dollar and our love.  you don't JUST put money, mom.  you also put your love in there.  and if you don't have dollars, that's okay.  you can put quarters.  and dimes.  and pennies too.  God loves it all."

have i mentioned that sunday school is maybe the most important of all the schools?!?!

finally.

i've been out of commission lately.  our internet card for the computer died and well, it just isn't the same on an ipad or my phone.  so i've been lonely.  and inside my head.  and i've had so many things to write about, but haven't been able to.

several nights, i snuck downstairs around 1 am, and tried to pull up word.  type there.  it wasn't the same.  it kept trying to make my words capital ones.  and i just couldn't take it.  i even went to writing in a journal.  but my wrist hurt.  so i realized i needed to get a new card.  so i did.  and i'm back.  and i already feel so much better.

not much has changed around here.  max has two teeth and has two more coming in.  pratt still loves all things boy and still loves finding me first thing in the morning so i can hold him.  this will never get old.  never, ever.

clint is good.  he bought property for a new office.  and this morning we took a saturday morning drive for donuts and to drive by the future office.  :)  i love this.  because i know he is so proud.  and that makes me so happy.  i remember first meeting him in college.  i never dreamed he would be my husband.  i never dreamed we would have two beautiful babies.  that he would be a dentist.  and that i would be a mom.  and that he would love me more than he loves anything else in this world.

i'm really good.  today is day 75 of my p90x workout.  i cannot believe i've made it this far.  i'm so proud of myself.  and i can't remember ever saying that about myself.  i've dropped 2 sizes.  i've lost more than 12 inches.  i'm in clothes from my honeymoon.  it's crazy town.  i've come to the realization that all you need is a little hard work.  and that it really does pay off.

in 75 days i've realized that my body is MY body.  and that the way God intended me to look is not how He intended heidi klum to look.  but just me.  hannah.  and i wish i could go back to that self conscious girl in high school and tell her so many things.  i'll save them for liza.  and i'll never let her be in the dark place i've been.

my high for today was looking in my backseat and seeing my two boys happy.  driving down our driveway.  and seeing them look at each other.  and smile.  i'm so very blessed.

here is pratt easter morning.  i think it's my favorite picture ever.  ever, ever, ever.  clara made him the bowtie.  because clara can do anything.  make anything.  we love her.  and pratt loves his bowtie.

toofy.

he has a top tooth and a bottom tooth. and two more coming in.




I think he's beautiful. and I wish he would stop getting big.

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Pay-ted.

Friday morning. 9:10 am.

Pratt: "mom! I'm gonna need some help in here. I'm all pay-ted!"

pay-ted: constipated.

some other words I love...

B.nastics: gymnastics
B.hamas: Bahamas
B.pewter: computer
Wee-uud: weird
Nuffing: nothing

Never a dull moment.



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today.

We have two teeth!!!




Pratt is so laid back.




Sweet max.




He loves baby Einstein. And it's the only thing that keeps him happy in the car.




Telling me he doesn't want "anyfing" from sonic. With his clint hands.




He ate 3 of these today. It's the only way he will eat sandwiches. Thank you, cookie for figuring it out!!




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brothers.

if I had known how much max would love his big brother, I would have wished for twins. So Pratt could be loved so incredibly much by two siblings.




He could watch him all day. And just smile.

Pratt is hunting Easter eggs. Max cannot take his eyes off him.

Siblings are the best.

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a day at the mall.

I came across this picture today and forgot I hadn't posted it.

My wonderful friend Laura called two weeks ago and asked if she could take Pratt for the morning. It was on a Friday. She knew Max was not feeling well. And wanted to take Pratt so Max and I could rest.

So she took Pratt, Zoe and her two girls to....wait for it....the MALL! I don't know how she does it.




Pratt took his first trip to Justice. And attempted to buy me a yellow tank. (that would have never fit ;) Laura talked him into a really cool soccer ball.

Today I'm thankful for good friends. I never knew I would be so blessed 3.5 years ago when we moved here. Its so nice to be loved.


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saturday.

Saturday is by far my favorite day. Usually, if the weather is pretty, we spend it outside.

Daddy is always home. We eat donuts for breakfast and have movie night in the evening. It's how I imagined my life to be when I was little and dreamed of being a grown up mommy. Only I didn't have any idea about laundry. And dirty floors. But still, even with those things...our Saturday's are perfect.

Here is max. With his waffle earring.




The way I feel when I look at this picture cannot be put into words.

I'm proud of the man I chose to be their daddy. I hope dad can say the same about me. I truly believe they are so blessed to grow up helping him. Following in his footsteps.




How big does he look?! Heartbreaking.




Putting his handprint and name in the concrete. And yes. Clint needs new work jeans. Uh huh. Yes.




Love it.




And nothing says "country" quite like a kid peeing on a propane tank.




I'm so blessed.

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