better.

sunday morning we were sitting in church.  and i was listening to the praise band sing, "above all".  i became so choked up when they started in on the chorus.

crucified, laid behind the stone
you lived to die,
rejected and alone.
like the rose
trampled on the ground
you took the fall
and thought of me above all

my eyes were filled with tears.  i kept trying to think of funny stuff.  like all the times i've stumbled in public.  nothing worked.  i just kept crying.

at one point, clint leaned over and said something funny to me.  he was trying to help.  but i couldn't stop. and as i fumbled through my purse for a kleenex, all i could find was one of max's socks.  so i just used that.  you know how that is.  it couldn't have been that dirty.  i mean, he can't even walk yet.  and he rarely wears socks WITH shoes.  so there wasn't any 11 month old baby foot sweat on it.

i digress.

it was the imagery of him. of jesus.  living to die.  and dying alone.

we had just studied the crucifixion in sunday school.  and all i could imagine was that being my son up there.  and me not being able to do a single thing about it.  my mind wanders to that chapter in blue like jazz.  when donald is talking about what mary must have been thinking when it was happening.

i kept thinking of allllllllllllllll my many sins.  all the things i've done wrong.  big and little.

ever since then i've been trying really hard to find patience in my every day life.  i've been listening to podcasts.  mostly francis chan ones.  i've been dealing with some anger towards some people in my life and i've been trying so hard to stop the madness.  stop being upset.  stop letting it bother me so much.  and so i've found myself grabbing my bible and reading something, anything as soon as i get mad.  or upset.  or bothered.

it's working, i think.

by thursday pratt asked if i was gonna "turn on jesus".  so i did.  he listened too.  until he started asking questions.  and then i made him go watch doc mcstuffins.  but max listened.  he listened without ever interrupting.  i think he knows i need jesus.  i think he remembers the 100 days of screamfest 2011.

my brother in law said something to me at easter that i haven't forgotten.  i was trying to persuade carolina from ever getting married.  i was telling her how hard married life could be at time with kids.  i wasn't REALLY meaning that she shouldn't get married.  because let's be honest.  i love my husband more than i love anyone or anything else in this entire world.  he is the reason i am not broke, living in a box somewhere.  he is the reason i strive to be better.  he is the reason i shave my legs.  and brush my teeth.  he is IT for me.

but still.  i do want to cut him sometimes.  like when he sits in the recliner and watches tv while the ENTIRE kitchen needs to be cleaned.  and laundry needs to be folded.  and pratt's teeth need to be brushed.  and he's just sitting there.  zoned in on that darn tv.  like he has not a care in the world.

and so that's what i was talking about.  joking, really.

and tyler said, "just remember, you have two boys.  two boys that will one day be grown men. and they are watching you."

they are.  and so are other people.  and so i need to be better.

i always need to be better.

may this be my reminder.