my cup.

i mentioned a book a few posts ago, and i want to go back to it.

it's called calm my anxious heart and it's by linda dillow.

first, i'm guilty of judging a book by it's cover. and had i just come across this book in barney knuckle, i probably wouldn't have bought it. lucky for me...someone gave it to me. and that someone is my moms n more leader. her name is ellen.

i've been reading it consistently for a few mornings now. and during the days/nights when i get a few minutes. it's a "womans guide to finding contentment" and well...honestly, i've never felt more content than i have in the past few days.

maybe it's because it's still new. and it will burn away like most things do. but i don't know. i don't feel like it's going anywhere.

there have been several situations, where i've actually caught myself and stopped myself before i wanted. before i wanted something someone else had. before i wanted something from target. before i wished to be someone else. etc. etc.

one verse that i've carried with me the past few days...literally carried with me on a post-it note is this...

Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup. You have made my lot secure. Psalm 16:5.

as the author says in the book, by not accepting your cup...by not accepting your portion, you're basically telling God that He is wrong. that you want to do things your way. and that you really don't need Him in your life.

nothing could be further from the truth.

hope this helps you today as well. whoever you might be...

oh, and also. last night it hit me that pratt could be leaving our home for college...and then for good in only 16.5 short years. i broke down when i realized it. so much so that when he cried last night around 230 am, i was convinced he was having a nightmare and let him sleep in our bed.

yes sir. totally did. and let me say that i'm not against kids sleeping with their parents. it doesn't really work for us (you know with all the kicking and moving around and all the non-sleeping that i get)...but it did last night. i held that big ole baby from 230 until 730 this morning. cradled him in my arms.

oh time...please slow down. not so content with time....nope. not so much.

six years old.

at some point, when i wasn't looking...pratt turned six years old...

better.

this picture pretty much sums up how i feel about my little boy.



for so long, i've waited on the day when he would be able to show us that he loved us. i mean, don't we all want to be loved. i do. and these days, he gives lots of kisses and really big, tight hugs. and that is his way of telling us how much he loves us. and it's heaven on earth. really, it is.

it's better than oreos. and peanut butter. better than the smell of starbucks. better than the feeling i get when i walk in barnes & noble...or crack open a brand new, never been read book. it's better than a bubble bath. better than the smell of fresh cut grass on a summer day.

ten years from now, i'll look back on this and remember exactly what i felt at this moment.

happy birthday!

yesterday we celebrated greatma and nana's birthdays! thanks to greatma, pratt had a wonderful lunch...her lunch. :)

we love you both so much. thank you for spending your birthdays with us.

i think papa randy got this shot of pratt while they were hunting bugs.

dear pratt.

dear pratt,

two things of note.

one. the other night all three of us were at the kitchen table. we were watching you eat dinner and laughing at all the funny things you were doing. and your daddy said, "you know, if God's love is really perfect, can you believe that He actually loves pratt more than me and you do?"

and as he said it, his eyes never really left your face.

it was so sweet. he and i love you so much. and yes...God loves you even more.

two. last night i got home from helping with the cooking school and dad had a complete meal on the table, ready for us to eat. you were in your highchair with a full plate and there were two plates on the big table. one for me and one for dad. he had grilled shrimp, grilled veggie kabobs and grilled cabbage. and even had me a diet coke out. AND napkins!

this is big time, pratt. BIG TIME. when you're 85 and getting married, be sure you do this for your wife.

i love you little guy. so, so much.
mommy.

19 months.

several days late.

what have we been up to.

bug hunting. and by "bug", i mean anything outside that moves. we dig in the dirt with a small stick. and we touch the bugs with the same stick. keeps him from touching something that might be dangerous. like centipedes. (or is it millipedes!?) anyway, we're hunting bugs. lifting rocks to see what's underneath. and then placing the rock right back where it was.

we throw rocks. we pick flowers. we pull leaves off trees and squeeze them until there is green on our hands. i've even explained chlorophyll. i mean, i have to use my biology background for something. otherwise, it'd be worthless. we've started a small leaf collection. mostly oaks and pine and a few other trees i remember from botany. brother brown would be so proud.

he has several new words. and he's starting to string words together. he's way ahead of me when i was his age. i mean, i don't even think i had said a single word at this point. more like, "deebo, deebo". stuff like that. so he must seem like a genius to my parents.

ding ding: i finally figured this out. it's the noise the bluray player makes when you turn it on. it means he wants to watch a movie.

a few others: pancake, eat peas, meek (milk), manna (amanda), bug, m&ms.

i have to get him saying "m&ms" on video. he sticks his tongue out when he says it and it is so stinking funny. also, "ooooohhh!" is hysterical when he says it. i can't remember if i've told this story or not. but right after easter, he was digging around in his easter basket from nana.

i think it was that night. sunday night. he pulled out an egg, wrapped in plastic, filled with m&ms. he got so excited. i gave him a few and then hid them behind me. told him they were all gone. he kind of frowned, and continued digging.

of course, there was a second egg. with the plastic wrapping. only instead of m&ms, it was filled with reese's cups. he pulled it out, and all of a sudden, looked at me like...and goes, "ooohhhh!" it was so funny. he was so surprised that he had found MORE candy.

so now anytime anything surprising happens, he will do the "ooohhh!" and we all laugh.

after the croup, he's come back with a big appetite. which is wonderful. he asks to "eat" now and will walk in the pantry and pick things out.

he still loves fruit. and certain veggies. he loves the veggies at sakura. and edamame. and rice. he loves cheese dip. and candy. and pancakes. and he will dip anything in syrup. he's a good eater when he's hungry. he loves to dip french fries, hot dogs, chicken fingers, etc.

i discovered that he hates kiwi. and that he loves to pick apart his pb&j. but he will eat it, if i can just handle the sticky mess that he creates.

every night, around 810, he kisses his daddy, smiles at him, and tells him goodnight. he blows him a kiss and then we head to bed. he says good night to yoda and the tv and anything else that might be nearby. he never fusses. he never fights it. i think he loves his nighttime sleep as much his mommy does. he naps from around 11 to 2. sometimes 1. just depends.

he totally recognizes certain places. sonic. kroger. and especially dad's office.

he is getting 4 new teeth which have caused him some rough days. and...well, have caused some of the kids around him some rough days too. let's just say that he might have tried to vampire kiss a kid in his kdo. or maybe 2. and he might have been on his way to vampire kiss a third kid when he was stopped by the teacher. long story short..i'm "the biter's mom." so not funny. so heartbreaking. but so true.

on the upside, this past week, he hasn't been to kdo or bible study and he seems to be doing a lot better. he's giving really big hugs and big, loud, pronounced kisses instead of bites. i would know because he was biting me too. so...the teeth have broken through and i'm hoping this means we are about done with the whole trying to be like edward cullen thing.

month 19. wow. i have no idea how we got this far.

i wish he would stay this age forever.

here is my favorite recent picture. something about him looks so grown up. and something about him looks like my sister. i don't know what it is. maybe the eyes. or the nose. or the expression. i'm not sure. but i love it.

mr. mean face.

so. rarely am i able to catch him mad on film. but here it is.



that's his pillow, which has come out of it's pillowcase. or his "b" as he calls it.

and instead of helping him put it back in, i'm taking pictures of him.

fur.i.ous. and a wee bit funny.

oh, and i never get mad. so he must get this from his daddy.

bahahahaha! yeah, right...

dear pratt.

dear pratt,

last night i had a JA meeting. it started at 6 pm, so we met dad at work, ran a few errands with him, then ate a quick dinner at arby's.

i wish i could have captured our sitting there together. nothing fancy. nothing at all fancy.

just the three of us. and you at the end of the table in a highchair. you were eating french fries and roast beef. dad got you to try dipping your fries in honey mustard since that's what dad likes. you seemed, at best..."okay" with it. i could tell ketchup is still your favorite.

it made me think of so much. of how simple life could and should be...if only i'd allow it. i realized what i had suspected for a long, long time...that you really are happiest when all three of us are together.

i said this outloud to dad and he said he felt the exact same way.

there was just this peace about you. this sense of calm. like, you would take sitting there in the restaurant over anything else in the world. over hunting bugs. over taking a bath. over anything. again, it might have just been my imagination, but i don't think so.

my hope is that you get the importance of these small moments. these times when it's just us, as a family, sitting together. not around a tv. not at a movie. just someplace where we can talk. or we can just sit and be still.

i left for my meeting and around 615, i texted dad. i asked how you two were doing. he responded with,

we never made it inside. hunting bugs and throwing rocks.

it totally melted my heart.

when i got home, you both had several stories for me. you...more like "one worders", but dad had stories. you saw a luna moth (butterfly), a centipede and several other creatures.

after you hit the hay, dad and i talked a lot about you. and about how big you're getting. about how you will copy most anything of what you see. dad started tossing rocks over a limb in the woods last night. as soon as he did it, you did it too. and you've started using a stick to touch the bugs outside. and when you pick up rocks to look and see what's under them, you always put the rock back just like it was before you touched it.

we love you more than you love bug hunting.

xoxo, mommy.

words to live by.

i have been blessed to be a part of a group through a church in little rock. my friend mandy introduced me to this group of women who meet weekly and talk about everything related to being a mom.

ellen, our leader gave us a book a few weeks ago. it's called calm my anxious heart by linda dillow. ellen loves the book and thought all of us young mothers could really benefit from it.

i want to share something from the book with you. it's in the first chapter. talking about being content. and this is what is said...

never allow yourself to complain about anything -- not even the weather

never picture yourself in any other circumstance or someplace else

never compare your lot with another's

never allow yourself to wish this or that had been otherwise

never dwell on tomorrow -- remember that tomorrow is God's, not ours

i truly feel a sense of shame when i read that. i'm humiliated that i've wished every single one of those things. i have a lot of work to do.

how wonderful would it be for our children, our friends, our husbands, our families to look at us, and think...man, she really lives that.

i need to put this on the fridge. and on my bathroom mirror. and in my car. maybe just tat up my left arm with it...

pancakes.

as i was putting pratts slippers on, he pointed to the kitchen and said, "pancakes!?"

a boy after my own heart.

sleep.

i'd take sleep over peanut butter any day of the week. that's how much i love it.

and since pratt has been sick, he hasn't gotten much of it. and neither has his momma. he hasn't really been "awake", just more coughing constantly in his sleep which i know keeps him from getting good sleep, good rest. i, on the other hand, have been wide awake, listening to him cough and struggle for air.

we started an antibiotic on monday night for a secondary infection from the croup. most likely bronchitis. and with that one dose of antibiotics, he slept better monday night. coughed from 730 pm to around 2 am. and then slept from 2 until 830 or 9. with little to no coughing.

yesterday am, he took another does of antibiotic, the good kind that's flavored like bananas (which by the way, i used to sneak doses out of the upstairs fridge when i was little. i LOVED the taste of it). he didn't nap well from 11 to 2, he coughed the entire time. so around 330, i noticed he was super exhausted and really difficult to handle. which is not like him. and i knew it was because he didn't feel good. so i remembered hearing that sometimes kids just need time to rest. so i asked him if he wanted to rest.

and he shook his head yes. he went and got his b, and we headed upstairs to rest. i put him down and within minutes, he was asleep. all propped up on his big boy pillow. he slept from 345 until 630. he was in a wonderful mood when he woke up. he ate dinner, and then we went for dessert at sonic. i'm pretty sure he's lost about 3 pounds from all this sickness. so he was treated to a chocolate shake and french fries.

after that we drove around looking at land and water and horses and everything else country. it's so nice for us to do that. clint and i get to visit without having to do a million things at once. it's really nice.

pratt finished his steroid meds last night. and i'm happy to report that he slept all night long without a single cough! praise God.

so, thank you to all of you that have been thinking about us. and praying for pratt. it's hard having a sick baby. just wears you slap out. but i think we're on the mend.

have wonderful wednesdays!

oh, here he was yesterday around 445. sleeping like a baby...on his big boy pillow.

dear pratt.

dear pratt,

over the past few nights, i feel like you and i have become closer than ever before. it's kind of like that feeling i had when you were a baby...like 2 months old. and we were seeing each other every 3 hours...no matter if the sun were out or not.

last night i got you up around 1030 to try to keep you from coughing. we went downstairs and sat in the recliner. you got all situated with your b and we leaned back together to fall fast asleep.

i thought you had fallen asleep, when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, i hear, "momma?". i leaned down and said, "yes, pratt? are you okay? what's wrong?". you looked up at me and smiled. you put your two fingers in your mouth, grabbed tight to your b, and lay your head down on my chest.

at that very moment, my heart burst into a million little pieces. i don't think you wanted anything more than just to know i was there. or maybe you were trying to let me know you loved me. with the smile. it doesn't really matter.

i wish i could put into words what i felt in that moment. i've often heard that life is not lived in days, but in moments. boy is there truth in that.

i want so much for you to have a sibling. i haven't said that outloud, but it's true. i want it with every single fiber of my being.

there are times when i worry about how hard it will be. how we didn't really "try" with you. i worry that i won't be the best mom to two kids. it's hard for me to be a good mom for just you somedays. i worry that i won't be a good wife or friend because i'll be so worried about other things. i worry that i'll never know how to get two kids to sleep at the same time. or how i will ever grocery shop again. or how i will ever have another date night with daddy.

i worry about so much. human nature, i guess.

but then i know that His plan is much bigger than mine, and i find such comfort in that.

know that with every day that i fail you, i go to bed asking God for His forgiveness. asking Him to teach me. asking Him to guide me. because i cannot do this on my own. that has been my prayer over and over lately, God, help me here. help me because i'm not strong enough.

i wish the days would slow down. i wish i could rewind parts of our days together like i can with dora. i wish my grandparents were here to meet you. i wish joyce knew you.

thank you for being my little boy. thank you for loving me all the time. thank you for crawling into my lap just to be near to me. thank you for the kisses and hugs that are so unexpected.

i am so, so blessed.

mommy.

our day.

we spent the morning outside. i don't know if fresh air is good or bad for croup. but i'm hoping good. because we both needed some outside time. it was really cool this morning, which called for us to pull out our hats and gloves.

we searched for bugs for about an hour. finally finding a roly poly. pratt's first. and he loved it.

pratt took his first bath in our tub. he really liked the long stream of water.

it warmed up this afternoon which called for more bug hunting.

and rock gathering....

and bubble blowing...

now, if only that cough would go away....

pratts first sentence.

so. i'm on the verge of a breakdown. pratt has the croup and CANNOT stop coughing. with every cough, a little piece of me dies. yall know what I mean?

well, we just went for a drive because i needed air. and i figured he did too. we got home, came inside for juice and pratt...CLEAR AS DAY says, "momma, go outside blow bubbles ok!?"

now my breakdown doesn't seem quite so big. that gave me what i needed to stay up again through the night listening to my precious angel baby cough. and yes, we've tried it all. steam showers, cool night air, etc. none of it works. so i hold him and rock and rub his back. praying the entire time.

dear pratt.

dear pratt,

saturday night you stayed with your nana. that afternoon you went and saw greatma and the greatest. nana sent me this picture during the day to show me you were having a wonderful time. yes...it's rollers in your hair. greatma did it. they were her rollers, i think. and judging by your face, you loved them. so funny.



you always have such a wonderful time with your nana. she once told me that her favorite thing to do was to get on her hands and knees and crawl around on the floor to chase you. this pretty much sums her up. anything to make you happy.

when i opened your backpack up tonight, there was the biggest rice krispie treat i have ever seen in there for you. yep. she loves you.

here you were this morning, under your lawn chair with your b, at nana's house.



we are so blessed to have nana, papaw randy, greatma and the greatest as our family.

love you little guy, mom.

an update.

well, it seems i was wrong.

tt is ALIVE!

so. i don't have to explain the circle of life to my 19 month old son after all.

whew. crisis averted.

a few things.

1. i just put pratt down for a nap. i told him i loved him. and placed him in his crib. and on the way out, he lay down...put his pillow under his head and said, "bye bye mom" and blew me a kiss.

there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about dr. weissbluth and wish i could send him a candygram. or maybe a heifer. or maybe a fruit basket from harry & david. or pay off his medical school loans. but i'm sure he's done that already.

so again, dr. weissbluth, thank you. thank you a million, trillion, billion times.

2. i may or may not have killed pratt's fish, tt.

that's all. the end.

bye bye.

yesterday when we walked into kids day out, pratt was walking without anything in his hands. i had his lunchbox, backpack, b(pillow) and blanket.

as soon as we got through the door, and he saw some of the other kids in the hallway, he looked up at me, said, "b!". i handed him the pillow. and he grabbed it, looked me in the eyes and said, "tae too! bye bye!" as fast as he could. then he took off running.

i literally had to skip to catch up with him. i opened his door, and he never looked back.

someone call me in an ssri.

it's official. my baby is no longer a baby.

i'm going to go cry my eyes out now.

bump.

hands down...he's the funniest kid i know.

i, in NO way, prompted this. we stacked the blocks. he took a few steps backward, then stuck his belly way out, walked up to the blocks...and BAM! knocked them over. we both just fell out laughing.

toot.

so sometimes i need to toot my own horn. just so that when i'm old and good at being a mom, i'll remember how back a long time ago, it was hard. and it was tiring. and i got frustrated.

this morning at 850, i had pratt buckled into his carseat, and i sat down in the drivers seat of the car, and just took a big, ole loud breath. more like a release. an exhale. yes, that's what it was. and it was loud. and forceful. i could have blown your house down.

i thought, man, i'm tired. and it's only 850.

but let's recap what i had done this morning. all before 850.

rolled out of bed at 545 am. got to the gym at 6 am. ran 5 minutes/walked 2 for 30 minutes. this is a lot for me. this is basically the equivalent of a half marathon for normal people. i'm sweating and cussing. and throwing water on my face like napoleon after his dance session with lafonda's mix tape. it's ugly. i won't lie. then i did 12 minutes on the bike. and did machines for 15 minutes. all while a certain moron is playing airguitar on the treadmill across from me. and a 75 year old woman was wearing soffe shorts that were so incredibly short that i thought at any minute her buttcheek might fall out onto the floor.

got home. showered. ironed my clothes. got dressed. made the bed. got pratt up. changed a wet diaper. made him breakfast. ironed his clothes. dressed him...which seems easy. hunh. it's not. fed him. kissed him. loved him. made his lunch. cleaned the kitchen. put clothes in the dryer and started a load of laundry. fixed his backpack for kdo. found all my library books and put them in my car for monday's return. fed yoda. watched pratt dump endless amounts of cat food on the pantry floor...all in an attempt to be like me and...feed yoda too.

was on the way out the door when pratt decided maybe he needed to go potty. only he doesn't use the potty. so i changed diaper number 2 (no pun intended) of the day, and then walked him outside to the car. dealt with a mini breakdown when he realized we were getting into the car and not searching for "bugs". boo. ran halfway down the front yard to get him. picked him up only to get wet grass and dirt from his shoes on my brand new white linen pants. boo squared.

carried a screaming child to the car. buckled him in. bribbed him with empty plastic easter eggs. he didn't fall for it. used my knee to get him in the seat. realized that everything was still in the house. went back inside for everything.

made a silly face at my child from outside the car....just to lighten the mood. got in the car. put on my seatbelt...and sigh. exhale. we're back at square one.

so. when pratt is 12 years old and says something horrible to me. something like, "mom...you'd let me do this if you loved me." i'm just telling you guys now...i will go crazy on him.

and i will remind him of all that i did for him when he was little. and how dare he talk to his mother like that.

it's all sort of coming together about what bill cosby always says. i brought you into this world, son...and i can and will take you out.

i get it. i totally get it.

days can be hard. and long. and i get frustrated with clint. because he's gone all day. and i know he thinks it's work. but to me...to me, at times it seems like fun. because it's something different.

tonight i was starting to fix dinner for pratt and just gave up. i grabbed him up and we headed to sonic. and we got dinner from sonic. because i couldn't stare into that fridge/freezer again and try to decide what to have for dinner.

my own mother has become my new hero. because i don't know how she did it all without ever complaining. i don't get it. i have so much more to learn.

until then, you can find me here. fumbling around. trying to be a good mom. trying to be good at always putting someone else before i put myself. yet...still taking care of myself. it's the most difficult thing i've ever tried to do. so hard to balance.

some days i pass with flying colors. other days i'm surprised clint and pratt don't pack up and leave the crazy woman at home with all her cats.

i'm not asking for anyone to feel sorry for me. i have an incredibly easy life. i'm just trying to be real. be honest. so if any of you are having similar issues, you are not alone. i'm right there with you.

have wonderful tuesdays.

new toothbrush.

guess who loves his new sonicare toothbrush!?

well...as long as he is the one brushing his teeth. otherwise, it's a totally different story.

full circle.

this morning, myself and 3 other girls met with one of the workers at a local womens shelter here in the city. i don't want to use her name or the organizations name...but basically i'm going to be a volunteer for the home...for the women and kids housed there.

these are women and children who have left abusive relationships and have found shelter at this location. this secret location. you can imagine why the location has to remain unknown to the general public.

as i sat in that meeting, and listened to the statistics on domestic violence, i had what oprah calls an "aha! moment". one of those times when life seems to come full circle. when life seems to make perfect sense.

at 30, i've only had a few of these moments. one was when i realized that no one is perfect. one was when i saw clint's face on our wedding day. and the most recent was the moment i realized how much i loved my son. and how i would do anything in the world for him.

today was another of those moments.

i've always had a passion for children. always wanted to work with children. but never really knew how. for a while, it was by being a doctor, a pediatrician. but after a year of medical school i realized that i wasn't cut out for that. i wasn't smart enough...and God didn't see me doing that. didn't see me as a doctor. that was fine with me. looking back now, i realize He was right. ha.

then it was school psychology. my masters...and my attempt at a phd. enter pratt.

so. i've been at home for something like 20 months now. with no "job" to speak of. well, no "job" besides being a housekeeper, mom, nurse, cook, teacher, wife, sister, mom, friend and anything i might have left out.

it's like my life has come full circle. like my passion for kids and for talking to kids..making them feel loved and comfortable and important...it's all come full circle.

this is what my mom meant when she used to tell me that one day, it would all make sense. and one day i'd be happy. and this is what my dad meant in that letter he wrote me the day i graduated from college. on may 5, 2001. it said something about how i needed to be sure and find an occupation that helped others....because it is in helping others that true happiness can and will be found.

so. mom and dad, i did it. i'm happy with my little family. and i'm finally happy with my new little "job". and i plan on helping as many as i can. as many little hearts that i can touch.

dear pratt.

dear pratt,

oh where to begin. you are such a funny, sweet little boy.

today we had such a wonderful time together.

let's see. we played with the "choo choo" that cookie bought you for easter. you have a figure 8 track with several trains. and we watched a veggie tales movie and made breakfast.

after your nap, we played at the park with carter and stacy and amber and caleb. you went down the biggest slide i've ever seen without even flinching.

we headed to dad's office for a quick hello. as soon as we got out of the car, you pointed at la valentina and said, "eat! eat! cheese! eat!". i thought you were just kind of playing around. turns out, you weren't. so me and you headed to eat cheese dip and refried beans at 335 pm on a thursday afternoon. they made your refried beans exactly like you like it...with cheese dip on top.





when we got home, you found a few bugs. which you LOVE. you stand near them and shout, "BUG! BUG! " until i acknowledge that yes indeed, you've found a bug.

you are so gentle with bugs. and spiders. and moths. and everything else out here in the country. you've never tried to kill anything. and something about this just warms my heart. you won't touch anything because you're so careful. but you really are completely intrigued when you see something. i love it. i could look for bugs with you all day long. picking up rocks. searching under the mulch. just wherever, really.

after dinner, dad taught you the song, "head shoulders knees and toes!" which you loved. you've recently learned where your knees are. and your shoulders.



also, you did something that was so incredibly funny tonight. we were playing with your puzzle, something we do quite frequently. but instead of using your hands to put the shapes in their respective holes, you used your mouth. and you were actually quite successful with the circle, square and triangle. so, so funny.

finally, you and dad watched dora and layed together on the couch. i am pretty sure that this was the highlight of your dad's day.



we love you so much. thank you for all the joy you bring to our lives.

love, mom.

happy easter!

melanie mcknight took these amazing photos.

the bunnies are real. and as you can tell, pratt loved them.

a special thank you to cookie for having the pictures done for us! we are so lucky to have you, mom.

happy easter to everyone. may you be blessed beyond measure today.

"why do you seek the living among the dead? He is not here, He has risen!" luke 24:5-6.

easter eggs.

we have our eggs all ready for the easter bunny. and i even did what my mom always did for us and blew the egg out of its shell. so now we can keep a few of them for next year...and the year after that.

last year, when mom made pratt a basket, she put one of our old eggs in his basket. special. i loved it.

pratt was more interested in trying to eat the dye tablets than really creating the eggs.

love.

this kid loves to swing.