boys.

sometimes I remember that God is always in control. even in the small things.

as I look back at these pictures from today I realize that these boys were really made to be mine. my boys.













I like to call that last one "CJ" as in "clint junior".

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

'atta boy.

today the three of us went to walmart.

no one screamed.  or cried.  or even fussed.

pratt got 3 subway cookies that kept him busy the entire time.  max was semi-asleep.  add a loud crowd and bright lights and he is in heaven.  and sleeps like a baby (should).

i was so relaxed i felt like i could shop all day long.  i teared up in the toy aisle because i felt like myself again.  i even bought pratt a package of moon sand...which according to my friend amy, i'll regret later.

i know better than to write it here...but maybe someone is doing better at the fulks' house.  maybe a little 7 week old boy is doing much better.  but idk.  maybe not.  i don't want to jinx anything.

my sister is shopping for baby stuff right now.  a registry.  and it doesn't seem right that i'm not with her.  but my two kids + babies-r-us = spencer wondering if getting pregnant was the right thing.

not much else to say. just mainly that i've now been to chuck e cheese and walmart with my two kids.  and i'm still alive.

and that, my friends....that deserves a slap on the rear.  an "'atta boy" of sorts...

happy long weekend!

papaw max.

Someone told my mom and sister that if you put socks on a baby with colic, the colic will go away.

Listen. I've read 3 full length books on this. And I'm fairly certain that no one knows what it is or why.

But you come listen to a 7 week old scream and cry all day and you too will do anything to make it stop.

Meet papaw max...



This is second only to his webnursey photo. Aka "uncle Rico takes glamour photos by deb".




I mean, I should have known this kid was gonna be a handful. Look at that picture! Every single time I see it, I pee a little.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

epitome.

919 pm. Monday night.

Dad asleep.
Pratt picking a winner.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

dear pratt.

dear pratt,

not a day goes by that you and i don't have an in-depth conversation.  about God.  about frickets (crickets).  about why we need to use a piece of parchment paper for baking sugar cookies.

i could go on and on.  point being that visiting with you really is like visiting with your daddy.  you seem to understand most of everything i say.  and if you don't understand, you are quick to tell me that.  and ask more questions.

sometimes you will randomly tell me that you love me.  and i must admit that is probably one of my favorite things about you at this stage.  your candor.  you will tell me when you accidentally went potty on your shirt.  you will tell me when you hurt your leg and want it kissed.  you will pretty much tell me anything.  because i'm your mommy and i can usually make it better.

you have been such a good sport lately.  your brother has been a bit of a handful, but you rarely comment about it.  you seem to have accepted your role as big brother quite well.  when miss sheila told you the other day that she was going to take max home, you sort of panicked at the thought.

lately you've been saying "that's hilarious" and "that's weird".  you also will mention something and then tell me that your daddy loves it.  like, this morning i was putting cream in your coffee.  (it's not really coffee.  it's about a tablespoon of coffee with warm milk and a little heavy cream).  you asked what it was.  i told you it was cream.  and you said, "mommy, my daddy liked to put cream in his coffee when he was a wittle boy."

you do that a lot.  "my daddy ......  when he as a wittle boy."

fill in the blank.

you love your daddy.  you pretty much love everyone.  except fire ants.

and i pretty much love you.  all of you.

xoxo,
mommy.

m.

m is for max.

To anonymous in Kitchener, Canada.

This is a blog about my feelings. Whether they are right, politically correct or justified.

I have always said that things could be worse. But I'm in the midst of a deep depression at this stage in my life. There are days i honestly wish God would call me home.

I appreciate that there are other people in this world who are worse off than me. No doubt. But right now, this is what I'm dealing with. And it's hurting me.

So please understand that I am well aware that things could be worse. And I do count my blessings.

I'm assuming since you commented as anonymous, that either we don't know each other or you don't want to say who you are.  Taking into consideration that you are from Canada, i'm fairly certain we don't know each other.  it looks like you kept reading until around 345 pm yesterday.  and then logged back on at 8 pm last night.

If I am offensive in my writing, please stop reading. My blog is by no means required reading for anyone.

And yes, the comment was deleted because this is a scrapbook for my children and negativity need not find a place here.

lessons.

because God is always reminding me that to stop being self centered...

as soon as i posted my last post about feeling sorry for myself, i saw my friend mandy's post about baby miller.

if you haven't read about his story...march 28th, miller was born.  on april 20th, his parents took him to the doctor because they were concerned about his lack of muscle movement.  here is the post

i just read on sarah bussey's blog,

Baby Miller


My heart is heavy this morning after receiving this text from my friend Meredith.

Our sweet baby boy earned his angels wings this morning. He passed away peacefully on my chest while we were all sleeping. He is still in the room with us and he looks so peaceful.

I have no words right now...... -Sarah

as soon as i read her text, i fell to pieces.

just this morning around 730, i saw mandy's post about him.  which i think she wrote last night.  anyway, i was reminded of his story and immediately apologized to God for being so silly.  and self absorbed.  and i thanked Him for a healthy baby.  because no matter how depressed i am, or how loudly max screams, he has his health.  and isn't that what we all want and need.  isn't that what's most important at the end of the day?

and so to see this now...and to know that he passed away, it kills me.  i've never met meredith.  or miller.  but i'm a mom.  and i've loved a child.  my own child.  and so i cannot begin to fathom what she is feeling.

please pray for this family.  please, please, please.

and please forgive me for being so silly to think that my problems are as big as these.

reality.

i've been thinking a lot about bethenny frankel.  usually, i love her.  lately, not so much.

because all i can think about is her baby nurse.  the one that always took a dump in her bathroom.  and wore the towel robe when people were coming over to film things for shape magazine.

at the risk of hacking someone off, (and i'm sorry if i do), i need to get something off my chest.

it's not fair if you have someone get up with your kid in the middle of the night.  i mean, honestly.  it's just not.  because i'm up at all hours.  feeding, rocking, walking, soothing, whispering, cussing, etc, etc.

and then i have to be up again when my 2.5 year old gets up.  i get no nap.  because my children don't nap at the same time.  so i'm up.  all the time.  going on about 4 hours of sleep.

and add to that postpartum.  which if you're not familiar...let's see.  it's like a freaking roller coaster.  one day i think, "i can do this.  i see the light at the end of the tunnel and i can do it.  i'm fine.  i'm blessed.  i have 2 healthy children.  and a wonderful husband.  i'm fine.  and i'll get through this."  then the next day i think, "i'm gonna die over here.  i want to run away.  i want to be anyone but me.  i'd even be the homeless man in little rock that looks like santa claus.  as long as i don't have to listen to this baby scream again.  my children may be healthy, but i, as their mother, i'm not healthy.  i'm about to die."

and to that not being able to wear anything that fits.  maternity clothes are too big. my old clothes are too small.

and to that, add no time to exercise. unless i want to stay up until 1130 pm  every night.  but see, then i have to get up in 2 hours for a feeding.  and i'm just not willing to do that.

and add to that the inability to ask for help.  i'm not talking about from friends.  i'm talking about from my husband.  i know he has an important job.  and i'm sure that if you were going to him tomorrow for a root canal, you would have wanted him to have had a full nights sleep.

but you see, i'm his wife.  and i need help.  because i'm seriously on the edge over here.  and it's not the edge of glory.  it's the opposite of that.  i'm the opposite of lady gaga.  and i want him to get up as soon as he hears that 2 am whimper.  and i want him to say, "i got it hannah." and when i start to argue, i want him to say, "NO!  you stay in bed.  i got this."

but you see, he can't really be faulted.  because i've not asked for that.  but i'm mad that he hasn't read my mind and done it.

ahhhh, the story of my life, right?  the story of most women's lives.

my friend jennifer messaged me the kindest message on facebook.  she said she was praying for me.  and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  i forget how many people love me.  i forget that people i don't see every day, really do care about me.  and about my family.  so thank you jennifer.  thank you from the bottom of my heart.  i don't know that i deserve a friend like you.

and as crazy as this is going to sound, there are two things that have kept me going.

one. people being so thoughtful.  prayers.  and text messages.  and phone calls.  and emails.  love from so many.

and two.  pratt.  because i can't lie and say that i haven't thought about running away.  leaving.  just like last time.  but unlike last time, i think of pratt.  i think of this almost 3 year old kid who is the light of my life.  and i think of just how much he loves me.  i truly believe he loves me as much as anyone else in my life.  and i think of how devastated he would be if anything ever happened to me.  and it keeps me here.  it keeps me going.  it keeps me smiling and laughing....even if i'm faking it.

because i know that i can and that i will fake it until i make it.

i know it will eventually all be okay.  and that eventually, i'll be back to my normal self again.  but until then, i'll be writing depressing posts.  so you might want to take a break from reading :)

unless you're in this boat too.  and if that's the case, i'm sorry you feel this way.  it sucks a.  it really does.  but i have faith that God never gives us more than we can handle.  at least, that's what i keep telling myself.

have wonderful days.  and thank you again for loving us.

the baby whisperer.

We went to visit allie, Madeline and Tucker today.

And as usual max was perfect. Asleep the entire 2.5 hours we were there. I think it's because he sensed allie. And knew she loves babies more than anyone else I know. And he was happy. Idk.











Madeline loved max. I love how all little girls love babies. So sweet.

Pratt and Tucker had fun in the pool. And Pratt may have gotten totally nude in their driveway and urinated. Yes. And they are in a nice, normal neighborhood. not in the sticks like is.

Not only did he pee, but he attempted to write with it. Yes. I was trying to get onto him, but Allison and I were laughing so hard, so I was useless. It was pretty hysterical.

Thanks allie for a wonderful, much needed visit. We love y'all!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

yummy.

This is what you look like when you play in your dad's dirtpile.

And because the dirtpile isn't cool enough on its own...you decide to make mudpies.

And to EAT the mudpies.

Because you're 100% all boy.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

MOTY.

This is how I was able to get dinner cooked...



And this...




Mom of the year over here. For sure.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

update.

both my children are sleeping.  it's like a christmas miracle...only on the first day of summer.

max is better.  i hate to type this out for fear that it will jinx it, but for the past 3 days, he's been much better.  he still gets fussy for no reason at times, but i read where on average babies are fussy for 2 hours of the day.  which is MUCH better than 24 out of 24.

i don't know if it's the prevacid or the neocate.  i'm not sure i'm willing to even quit one to try to figure out what it is.  because if i never hear that scream again, it's too soon.

i'm feeling better.  not quite so scared.  i've been as anxious as i have been sad.  i worry about pratt more than anything else.  i know that i can really screw things up with max...and still be okay.  because i'm quite certain that i did everything wrong with pratt when he was this age (i pretty much cried all day, every day), and he's fine.  no.  he's great.  and happy.  and bright.

i'm worried about the lack of attention he's getting.  his new thing is, "mom, put max down and hold me." i understand that.  i wish my mom could still hold me too.  who doesn't?  moms are the bomb.

my wonderful pediatrician said it best  when he said, "isn't that probably what God intended with a second child?"  yes. absolutely.  i'm certain that this second child will teach pratt patience.  and reinforce that he's not the only one around.  no matter how many times i've said it, nothing is better than experience.  but it's just finding that right amount...the perfect balance.  and giving him grace right now.  because he needs it.

he has been wonderful up to this point.  max was crying the other day and pratt did thump him on the head.  yes.  thumped.  it was pretty bad.  but to his credit, max had been crying for what seemed like forever.  and well, he's only 2.  but he got in trouble, and i'm not sure he will ever do it again.  i was pretty hard on him.  he can't go around thumping people.  obviously :)

i need to take max's month old picture.  even though he's almost 6 weeks old.  i'm a slacker.  don't judge.

i hear max stirring.  or grunting.  or sounding like an otter.  it's the most bizarre sound.

dear max.

dear max.

as i was putting up some of your clothes today, i came across a letter that clara sent you.  i read it right after you were born...but had forgotten how great it was.  i have put it in your baby book, but wanted you to have a copy here too.

here are two pictures.

and here is what it says.

dear baby max,


i'm so happy to hear of your safe arrival.  from every picture i've seen, you are quite the little looker.  i couldn't resist these two tiny rompers when i saw them because honestly -- they reminded me of your big brother.  


i always wanted to be just like my big brothers and i bet that you'll feel the same way.  i can't wait to hear all about your special relationship. i also loved getting clothes just for me! :) 


the white one is for lounging poolside in the hot arkansas sun.  the whale slippers are from a consignment store, but i figured that "going green" from birth is a good habit to start! the red one is for watching razorback victories together.  


the fisher family is excited for many reasons to be moving back to arkansas, but watching you and pratt grow up firsthand may just grab the top spot.  


we are so happy you are here! 


love, clara.  


pretty good, huh?  my favorite is the "top spot" comment.  followed by the "lounging poolside" which sounds JUST like something clara (or her sister jessalyn) would say.  as you get older, you will get to know clara and find out just how funny she is.  she even makes andy laugh.  and that's hard to do.

anyway, we are so lucky to have clara and andy and anderson in our lives.  and even better...to have them love us so much.  i know you will love them right back.

xoxo,
mommy.

thank heaven.

thank heaven for neighbors who will let you bring your screaming baby over for hours. and even be loved on by all kids. regardless of how loud his screams got.







and thank heaven for nap nannies. and cribs. because I'm ready to sleep. I need a room to myself tonight. no judging.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

dear max.

dear max,

one day you will love coleman as much as your brother does...



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

today.

Yes. That's a box fan. Because it's wayyyy too hot outside.




And for memory sake, that's the sweet dog from down the street. We named her re-re. She and Pratt love each other. I love her too. I don't love that she stole a camo croc.









- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

so much.

let me first say that i know things could always be worse.

but until you've lived with a 5 week old baby that pretty much cries/screams the majority of the day unless you are in the car driving and he is asleep...well, it's hard to remember that things could be worse.  because for the past several days, i've cried and begged for time to fly by.

max is now on "million dollar formula" that has been prescribed.  neocate.  i think it was prescribed so that our insurance would pay for it.  bc i think you can get it online.  and he's on prevacid.  we have good days and bad days.

yesterday was a bad day.  i left my parents house and pretty much cried the entire way home.  my mom is so incredibly helpful with pratt or max.  or both when i need to shower and dress.  and i couldn't stand to be alone in my house another day.  so we stayed with her for a few days.  and when i had to leave, i cried.

i really think that i could do this 2 kid thing if max weren't so sick.  it's incredibly painful watching your child hurt.  and not being able to do anything about it.  i think it's his bowels.  digestive system.  innerds.  whatever.  i think he is so sensitive and only time will make things better.  we have an abdominal ultrasound on monday.  but i don't think they will find anything.  i think it's reflux/colic/lactose intolerance. idk.  i'm all googled out.

on the upside, he did sleep from 10 pm until 5 am last night.  a 7 hour stretch.  it was pretty remarkable.  but i swear that he could wake up every 2 hours if he just wouldn't be so upset during the day.

yesterday afternoon coleman came over to play with pratt.  and today, my friend mandy let us crash at her house for noah and pratt to play.  and she even held max and let him cry/fuss on her.  lifesaver.

i just feel so bad not being able to do much with pratt.  i'm feel like i'm constantly trying to soothe max.  and if i put him down for only a few minutes, he gets so upset that he has real tears and cannot calm down. it's cyclic.  and not fun.

i haven't done pictures for birth announcements.  and i'm not sure when i'll ever get to that.  i haven't cleaned my floors in what feels like forever.  i am doing laundry but only because clint has to have scrubs and i only have so many items of clothing that fit.

pratt is doing well.  he seems pretty oblivious to max's screaming fits.  today in the car when max started crying pratt leaned over and said, "max.  please stop being the interrupting chicken."  because, well...you know, pratt WAS trying to tell me something.  because he's always trying to tell me something.  because he talks nonstop.

one thing that has kept me from going crazy is pratt.  honestly.  i never thought a 2.5 year old could do that.  but he has.  sometimes when i just want to run away, i think of him.  and how much i love him. and how i know that one day max will be okay.  and he will be able to verbalize.  and tell me what's wrong instead of just screaming at me.

i can't remember when babies are supposed to smile and coo.  but we haven't experienced that yet.  pretty much, if max is awake, he's upset.  so i'm praying for that to happen soon. we all need it.  max, too.

i'm so thankful to have clint.  he gets frustrated too and never seems shocked when i say things late at night or early in the morning when i'm incredibly upset.  last night i cried myself to sleep and for the first time in a really, really long time, he rubbed my back until i was sound asleep.  this is a big deal. he's always kind.  but you know...men really don't like crying.  especially when it's super emotional crying.  but i think if clint were a crier, he would have been crying too.

if you say prayers, please pray for max.  for him to feel better.  or if this really is just colic...for him to get over it quickly.  and if you have a few to spare, pray for us too.  we could use them.

weekend pics.

A few pictures from this weekend.

Summer and Baylor came for a visit. Pratt loved Baylor. Summer loved max.







Summer brought clint the pairing she made of ace.




Isn't it awesome!?




Max, poolside.









- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

finally.

i've always believed in mother's intuition.  always.  even moreso after having pratt.

so when i started having people (nurses, even) tell me that what we were dealing with with max was colic...i knew better.  i knew he was in pain.  severe pain.

when i googled videos on colic, the crying kind of looked the same.  but not really.

max was in pain.  pulling at his face.  at my face.  getting hot.  turning red.  screaming so much that he would lose his breath.  i downloaded dr. weissbluth's book on colic.  and read it.  cover to cover in like 2 days.  what we experiencing was similar...but not the same.

i called the nurse yesterday morning frantic.  literally, at the end of my rope.

last week i called my obgyn for a prescription for something for postpartum.  because i couldn't take it.  i was literally breaking down from the screaming, the pain, the crying.  being totally overwhelmed and completely helpless to fixing the problem.  this was done the same day i was told by one of the nurses at the clinic that she was sure this was colic.  and there was nothing we could do.  i hung up and called my doctor.  begging for help.

so yesterday.  back to yesterday.  the nurse i spoke to yesterday was fantastic.  she told me that i was not crazy.  or hormonal.  but that yes, something was wrong.  that colic doesn't cause babies to cry out in their sleep.  that it usually happens around the same time of day.  and that what max was dealing with was far more than colic.  it was probably partly colic (as most babies have a fussy time of day)...but that he was having tummy troubles that were really hurting him.

she told me to give the levsin drops that dr. s. had prescribed.  i misunderstood the directions with these...as i thought i was only to give them when he started screaming.  she told me to try giving them every 6 hours. see if that worked.  if it didn't...then bring him in on monday.

before we got off the phone, she said, "this is not your imagination.  he is in pain.  and i promise that we will make him better if this doesn't work."

heaven.  just what i needed to hear.

so 24 hours later, i can't tell you what difference i've seen.  he had a pretty bad spell last night before bed.  but other than that, he's like a new baby.  he ate last night at 830.  then had a pretty bad spell.  but then slept from around 10 until 2.  woke and ate.  then slept until 530.

i was on the couch with him around 6 when he smiled at me.  awake.  aware.  he smiled at me.

this is the first time this has happened.  i'm sure that it's because he feels better.  up to this point, when he's awake, he's in pain and therefore fussy or crying or screaming.

but now...it seems we have turned a corner.  and i'm so thankful for that.  and i'm so thankful for medicine.

i'm gonna keep my fingers crossed.

FMN.

Our first family movie night.

Watching cars. Eating nachos and popcorn.




We are all pretty excited. Well, except max. He isn't quite sure why we are all smashed into one another...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

the library.

we went to the library for the first time as a threesome the other day.  for storytime.

i'll be honest.  it's totally different with two kids.  pratt HAS to get out of the house.  as do i.  max is better, but his stomach is still all messed up.  so we can only listen to his screams for so long.  before we have to get out.  and honestly, i don't care if he screams at the library.  i used to.  i was so worried pratt would scream somewhere in public.  now...nope.  not so much.  for my sanity...and pratt's, we MUST get out and go somewhere, anywhere.

we love the library.  and we love being around other kids.  and doing crafts.  it was so nice because max slept.  so pratt and i were able to play together.  which i miss.  i really, really miss.

the king of multitasking.  library card in mouth.  one book in each hand.

this is what max did the entire time.

pratt was so good that when we left, he was rewarded with an ice cream cone.  at lunchtime.  yes, i'm that mom.  and i don't even care.  

the kids.

clint used the term. and I smiled. even though im totally overwhelmed. I'll get the hang of it eventually.





- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

dear boys.

dear boys,

for most of my life, i've wished to be like someone else.  sad, yes. but i think you'll find out that it's common.  all too common.

anyway.  my parents have always told me that they loved me just as i was.  that i was the child created for them, and that they wouldn't change a thing.

as with most other things...i didn't fully appreciate or understand this until i had children of my own.

now, i know exactly what they were talking about.

i was just folding clothes in pratt's room.  as i was folding his tiny 3t shirts, i smiled.  thinking about you, pratt.  thinking about your hugs.  and kisses.  and laughs.  and smiles.

and i realized, at that very moment, that i wouldn't change a single thing about you boys.  honestly.  not a single thing.

and so when you get older, and you have those feelings of wishing you were more like someone else...please remember that me and your daddy...we love you just as you are.  just as God created you.

xoxo,
mommy.

max.

first let me say this.  if your child had colic and/or reflux, and you're still here to read this....congratulations on being awesome.

seriously.  i don't know what exactly max has.  the medicine for reflux seems to work initially...but quickly wears off.  and the videos i've watched on youtube...well, i can't tell the difference between a reflux episode and a colic episode.  from what i've read...many doctors can't either without further testing.  like scopes and other stuff like that.  idk.  i just know that max is in pain.  severe pain.  and fights being fed.  and throws his head back.  and screams until he loses his breath.  until he's sweating.  and until he can't fight it anymore.  then he will fall asleep for a few minutes.  then wake up 2 minutes later and it happens all over again.

it's unreal.  and painful to watch.  because nothing we do matters.

around 930 last night it happened.  the worst episode yet.  after a solid hour of screaming (seriously.  solid hour.  i'm not exaggerating), he fell asleep.  and stayed asleep until around 6 this morning.  he woke for 2 feedings and his medicine at 4 am, but other than that was good.

i don't know what i would do without clint.  i would have lost my mind 3 days ago.  when i'm freaking out and crying and threatening to drop max off at an orphanage, he is calm.  and kind.  and takes max.  and talks sweetly to him.  he will hold him and let that child scream in his face and never flinch.

when he's freaking out, i step in.  calm.  kind.  never flinching.

it's our little dance.

when max is asleep and content (although throughout his sleep he jerks and never really gets good, quality sleep), clint and i will sit close together.  and talk.  and laugh.  and tell each other that it will get better.  that it can't last forever.  and that one day we will be okay.  and even look back and laugh.  (maybe.  i'm not sold on that just yet).

it's wearing us down for sure.  and as horrible as it is to say this, i understand how parents get so frustrated. i'm lucky that i can walk away.  and that clint can step in.

this brings up lots of old feelings that i haven't had come up.  feelings of inadequacy.  depression.  etc.  i've been doing so well up to this point.  i should have known something would happen. :)

several people have said that zantac didn't work for them and they had to switch to prevacid.  i spoke to a very kind nurse last night.  from our clinic.  she told me a few things i could do for him.  but we had tried most of them.  she told me (like so many others have) that the zantac will take a good 5 days to work.  and then will really peak in 2 to 3 weeks.  and that dr. s. won't want to change anything for at least 5 days.  i guess i knew this...it's just at the time, max had been screaming 45 non stop minutes...and so she could have told me that she could change the medicine but i had to run to smith caldwell naked to get it and i would have been totally cool with that.

i think at that point, i would have agreed to go naked for a solid month if he would just get better.  that's how bad it was.  i hate being naked.  especially with this dough belly.

of course at the end of the day, i remember what my dad always told me.

it could always be worse...


my baby isn't really sick at all.  there are so many babies with horrible illnesses.  and so a small case of reflux...in the grand scheme of things...is doable.  and we will get through it.

the one positive thing from all this....i lose my appetite with the screaming/crying stuff.  so i've lost weight already.  i may have a screaming baby...but hopefully i'll be rocking my old jeans soon.

kidding...well, not really.  i'm pretty serious actually.

if you want to watch max in action...here you go.  but i'll warn you, it's heartbreaking.

today.

I'm a new person. My husband stayed on duty last night. Which meant I slept from 10 until 830. He said he checked on ms around 7, worried I was dead.

I needed the rest. Now clint needs it :)

Max did much better last night. He actually slept 3 to 4 hours at a time. Praise the Lord!! Clint didn't. As with every sound made, he would wake. Welcome to mommyhood :)

The Zantac really works. After a call to our pharmacist, I realized that it really might take a week to fully work. It works as soon as it's given, but slowly wears off before the next time it's due in 8 hours. Hopefully soon he will be in tip top shape and we won't be watching the clock. But I'll take any improvement and not complain.

There really is nothing worse than a baby in pain.

Pratt has been spending time in the 98 degree heat. Oh. With a heat index of 101. Shoot me.
He's hot. Check the cheeks.




It's so hot that clint shaved his beard.




And now according to Pratt "looks just like pop pop!"

I think he looks 15. Great. Now I have 3 kids.




Pratt tries to soothe max's reflux with humor. Nothing like "the pant pant book" to make max laugh.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

one hour.

Last night the madness (max's nickname from his daddy) and I were up from 1130 pm until around 630 am. Seriously. NO SLEEPING.

He was hurting. Bad. I had no idea what was wrong.

This was from this morning. Around 9 am. His arm is around my neck. Bc I really was on the brink. I had slept for 1 hour. It's 522 pm now...and I'm still going on 1 hour of sleep.





After talking to a wonderful nurse, I was convinced to take max in.

Glad I did. He has GERD. He was given Zantac and something else for his tummy. I decided to change to nutramigen. Dr. S. Said his stool sample didn't have any blood in it. So he didn't think I needed the new formula. But today he's been drinking the new and I swear he's already better. So what to do now?!

Here he is. His 3rd nap of the day. Praise the Lord!!!

Oh. He weighs 10 pounds. 1 ounce. That's like a pound a week.





- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

checking in.

i've officially watched everything i had previously dvr-d in preparation for max's first few weeks.  he is spoiled.  beyond belief.

it's my fault.  i'm responsible.  because i know (yes.  like, i KNOW.) that this is my last child.  and so i have held him.  and relished in the baby stage.  because while i don't understand what's wrong with him when he cries and while i do get frustrated a million times a day, i am fully aware that all too soon he will be big. and only let me hold him in the morning.  or during thunderstorms.

so i've spoiled him.  oh well.  he's become one of those babies that cries when you put him down.  and stops the minute he is picked up.

when max cries, pratt will say, "it's okay max" or "i'm coming max".

and i'm not gonna lie.  at one point this afternoon i heard him say, "you're killing mom, max".  ouch.  that's my fault.  i say that A.LOT.

i'm doing quite well overall.  i think i've taken a shower every single day since max was born.  and i haven't cried more than three times a day.  this may seem like a lot.  it's not.  i cry at least once a day when i haven't just given birth.

i still feel much different than after pratt's birth.  i'm still not happy with my wardrobe selection.  and i still wish that i had more patience.  but i'm not near as sad.  i don't feel that weight bearing down on me.  like the humidity outside.

maybe it's because of pratt.  maybe it's because i know things will change.  and i know that in a few months, i won't be up all night long.

i do keep thinking of clint and i.  down the road.  in 2 years.  in 5 years.  in 10 years.

i miss him.  i miss our conversations.  i miss talking to him and not being interrupted.  i miss dates.  and dressing up.  and fixing my hair.

but i know that in time, these things will happen again.

last night, when we were getting in bed, he snuggled right up next to me.  and it was, for sure, the highlight of my day.  i didn't say anything to him because i know that when i tried to formulate sentences, i would have cried.  but i loved it.  and it made me happy.

and these days, being happy is really what life is all about.

strawberry fields.

When putting Pratt to bed, this was part of our conversation...

Him: "sing me a beatles song, mom."

Me: "okay. Which one."

Him: "strawberry fields."

I fell out laughing and told him that I didn't know that one.

Him: "okay. Go get my daddy. He knows it."

So I did. And clint did know it.

Pratt is hilarious.

our day.

Pratt is now 10. Idk. My friend Karlyn says it's the haircut. I think she might be right. It's Rooster's fault. Rooster is the barber. Yes. He is.




Max weighs like 10 pounds. He is gigantic. Look how chubby his face is. I love it.




I've Officially given up on parenting Pratt. It was 9 pm. He was drinking sweet tea. Watching cartoons. Sliding down his couch slide.

It's too hard to worry about both of them. So right now he and I are in my bed. I'm telling you...I'm done. It's all going downhill from here...




Max likes to fall asleep at the very end of a bottle. See...




The minute you take it out, he freaks.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone