all these gifts.

when I was little, my mom took my sister and I to little rock to the mall to shop.  we did this often.  park plaza. I LOVED it.  we would get clothes.  shoes.  whatever.  and then I would ALWAYS go in the bookstore.  in the corner.  on the second floor. where justice is right now, I think.  I can't remember what book store it was.  but I would buy fear street books.  by r.l. stine.  and I would have those suckers read by the time we got back to Camden.  I would buy as many as could afford. 

on one trip, I remember going in the girls' section of dillards.  finding this espirit jacket.  it was grey and black.

I remember being in that dillards dressing room.  looking at myself in that tri-fold mirror.  I loved it.  it was a great jacket.  and then I saw the tag.  the price.  It was 60 dollars.  that was huge.  I remember coming out and telling mom I didn't want it.  she knew that I liked it...so she was confused.  I must have mentioned the price because she said something like, "well, if you wear it, I don't mind paying that.  as long as you'll wear it."

I knew I'd wear it.  but I said no.  that I didn't need it. 

that had to have happened over 20 years ago.  25 probably.  and I still remember it.  like it was yesterday.

I've always been aware of what things cost.  that doesn't mean that I'm not the same person who was using her father's exxon credit card to buy eggs and velveeta and six packs of cokes at the exxon in Arkadelphia for me and all my friends.  because I was.  that was my grocery store and I didn't even care what it cost.  because I wasn't paying for it.  (no worries.  my dad showed up one night outside my dorm.  asking me for the card.  because my mother was wondering who was spending 500 a month on food at the exxon in Arkadelphia.  but seriously.  cappuccino helped me study all those nights in the science building).  anyway.  that jacket.  I was aware.

at Christmas...I was always aware.  I can remember walking all my many presents up the stairs.  feeling guilty about all that I got.  (I loved it all.  and you never saw me give anything away.  so...)

ever since pratt was born, we have done 3 gifts for him.  same for max.  3 gifts.  3 gifts from santa. THAT IS IT.  there is nothing from us.  just 3 gifts. 

this year he got a kindle fire.  a furby boom.  and a build a bear gift certificate.  max got a v-tech train, a baby doll and a beanbag toss. 

as I set everything up, I realized that it looked small.  and for the first time in 5 years, I was worried.  worried that pratt would walk down and be disappointed.

now.  let me tell you why.

because when I looked on facebook that night...and saw all these gifts...all this stuff, I wondered if I was doing something wrong.  like maybe 3 wasn't enough.  but there wasn't anything I could do about it.  it was midnight.  and well, that was it. 

and I know.  trust me, I KNOW.  Christmas isn't about presents.  I know this.  and he does too.  well, he's been told.  but he's American and he's 5.

when he opened his presents the next morning, he was completely ecstatic.  he loved the furby (it's what he asked santa for).  he LOVED the kindle.  because it had minecraft on it!  and Charlie and lola books.  and he is so excited about making a bear.

as he crawled up in my lap with his kindle, he said, "oh momma.  my eyes are all watery.  because I'm just so happy with all these gifts I got.  they are all so perfect."

yes.  you read that right.  "all these gifts".  ALL.  as in a million.  but really as in his three. 

this prompted clint and me to talk on the way to Camden that day.  talking with clint is one of my favorite things.  honestly.  communication with him is better than most anything else.  as we were talking, I remembered something our former pastor, mark norman said one day in church.  it was this, "you give your children enough to do something...NOT enough to do nothing." amen. 

pratt isn't perfect.  he's a part of me....so he's far from it.  but he's headed in the right direction.  and we will continue to teach him what we think is right.  and good.  and necessary. 

and giving kids so much stuff on Christmas...(to me) is just setting them up for failure in the long run.  at some point, when you are given so much stuff, you lose track of what is important.  in reality, you can really only play with a few things.  max...really, well, he really only likes his train. 

next year..and the year after that...when peer pressure gets to me.  and I feel the need to get the boys 15 gifts, I expect you to hold me accountable.  and remind me of this post. 

merry Christmas...one day late.

dear pratt.

dear pratt,

you were a blues brother for halloween.  you were jake. anyway.  when it came time for pictures at preschool a few weeks ago, you mentioned wanting to wear your "blues brother tuxedo" because you looked so handsome in it. at first i didn't know what to say.  because while you WERE handsome, it's a tuxedo.  and you've got to really commit to that look.

but the more i thought about it, the more i realized that you are 5.  and if you want to wear a tuxedo to your preschool picture, then so be it.  and it fits your personality really, really well.

up to this point, you've never really experienced anyone being critical of you.  or your clothing.  your name.  nothing like that.

you have an incredible class of sweet, sweet kids.  the boys in your class are kind, gentle little souls who don't yet think about clothes.  or what's cool.  or what's not.  they're just interested in playing soldier.  and tag.  and playing chase.

so wednesday morning, we put your tuxedo on.  and as you stood in the mirror looking at yourself, you turned to me and said, "momma...how do i look?"

tears sprung to my eyes.  i told you that you were as handsome as ever.  and that i was so excited about seeing your pictures.  i just knew they would be superb.

when i posted this picture on facebook, i got this response from my friend allie.  first...let me give you a background of allie.  she is one of the most unique people i know.  she is kind.  and gentle and totally and completely non-judgemental.  she is soft in spirit.  she makes everyone she meets feel welcome and important.  and she has a heart unlike anyone else i know.  if you grow up and are kind like she is, i will have done my job.

she said this,

you will be so happy for letting him wear this - like forever.  i hope he keeps this sense of individuality forever.  i love the most that he is not the least bit worried about looking like everyone else.  what a kid.  

and then your aunt blakely wrote,

i have to agree with the above post.  he is an individual.  and being new in the pratt family...if you think about it, all the pratts are individuals.  i'm grateful that i'm a part of such a family.  

yes.  yes, yes, yes.  one million times yes.

there will be a time when you wish that you were someone else.  you'll wish you were more like some friend of yours.  you'll wish that you had his parents.  or his car.  you'll wish you had an xbox like some other kid.  or you'll wish that you had their athletic ability.

basically, what i'm saying..is that there will come a time when you don't like something about yourself.

i remember this well.  all too well really.  i remember dating a guy in college.  (NOT your dad).  i remember being in abercrombie with him.  and i remember him looking up at one of those girl models and saying, "wouldn't it be awesome if you were that thin?".

it won't make sense to you now, but those 9 words crushed me.  like you wouldn't believe.  i was at a point where i already didn't like who i was.  but now.  someone else was insinuating that they too, would like for me to be different than i was.

those scars are still there.  if i look too closely in the mirror, i see that girl. the one that whitney told me was "just a shell of the hannah" she knew.

i say all this to tell you that at this point, i'm so proud you like who you are.  i'm so proud you are comfortable in your own skin.  i pray with all that i am, that you continue to feel this way for as long as possible.

i pray that you know that beauty is found on the inside.  NOT on the outside.  i pray that you know God made you with purpose.  and that you are EXACTLY who you are supposed to be.

there are so many people in this world who will tell you these things.  come to us when you are doubtful.  ask for our advice.  ask what we think.  what we experienced.  what we KNOW to be TRUE.

at the end of the day, i think i should just remind you to surround yourself with good people.  people who put others first.  people who really understand to be kind to everyone...because as that old saying goes, everyone is fighting a battle of their own.

when you're 35 and have children of your own, you'll understand my words better then.  you'll understand that i would move mountains for you to be happy.  i promise to spend my life doing what your father and i think is best for you and your brother.

i love you.  and i'm so incredibly proud to be your mommy.

xoxo,
mom.