all these gifts.

when I was little, my mom took my sister and I to little rock to the mall to shop.  we did this often.  park plaza. I LOVED it.  we would get clothes.  shoes.  whatever.  and then I would ALWAYS go in the bookstore.  in the corner.  on the second floor. where justice is right now, I think.  I can't remember what book store it was.  but I would buy fear street books.  by r.l. stine.  and I would have those suckers read by the time we got back to Camden.  I would buy as many as could afford. 

on one trip, I remember going in the girls' section of dillards.  finding this espirit jacket.  it was grey and black.

I remember being in that dillards dressing room.  looking at myself in that tri-fold mirror.  I loved it.  it was a great jacket.  and then I saw the tag.  the price.  It was 60 dollars.  that was huge.  I remember coming out and telling mom I didn't want it.  she knew that I liked it...so she was confused.  I must have mentioned the price because she said something like, "well, if you wear it, I don't mind paying that.  as long as you'll wear it."

I knew I'd wear it.  but I said no.  that I didn't need it. 

that had to have happened over 20 years ago.  25 probably.  and I still remember it.  like it was yesterday.

I've always been aware of what things cost.  that doesn't mean that I'm not the same person who was using her father's exxon credit card to buy eggs and velveeta and six packs of cokes at the exxon in Arkadelphia for me and all my friends.  because I was.  that was my grocery store and I didn't even care what it cost.  because I wasn't paying for it.  (no worries.  my dad showed up one night outside my dorm.  asking me for the card.  because my mother was wondering who was spending 500 a month on food at the exxon in Arkadelphia.  but seriously.  cappuccino helped me study all those nights in the science building).  anyway.  that jacket.  I was aware.

at Christmas...I was always aware.  I can remember walking all my many presents up the stairs.  feeling guilty about all that I got.  (I loved it all.  and you never saw me give anything away.  so...)

ever since pratt was born, we have done 3 gifts for him.  same for max.  3 gifts.  3 gifts from santa. THAT IS IT.  there is nothing from us.  just 3 gifts. 

this year he got a kindle fire.  a furby boom.  and a build a bear gift certificate.  max got a v-tech train, a baby doll and a beanbag toss. 

as I set everything up, I realized that it looked small.  and for the first time in 5 years, I was worried.  worried that pratt would walk down and be disappointed.

now.  let me tell you why.

because when I looked on facebook that night...and saw all these gifts...all this stuff, I wondered if I was doing something wrong.  like maybe 3 wasn't enough.  but there wasn't anything I could do about it.  it was midnight.  and well, that was it. 

and I know.  trust me, I KNOW.  Christmas isn't about presents.  I know this.  and he does too.  well, he's been told.  but he's American and he's 5.

when he opened his presents the next morning, he was completely ecstatic.  he loved the furby (it's what he asked santa for).  he LOVED the kindle.  because it had minecraft on it!  and Charlie and lola books.  and he is so excited about making a bear.

as he crawled up in my lap with his kindle, he said, "oh momma.  my eyes are all watery.  because I'm just so happy with all these gifts I got.  they are all so perfect."

yes.  you read that right.  "all these gifts".  ALL.  as in a million.  but really as in his three. 

this prompted clint and me to talk on the way to Camden that day.  talking with clint is one of my favorite things.  honestly.  communication with him is better than most anything else.  as we were talking, I remembered something our former pastor, mark norman said one day in church.  it was this, "you give your children enough to do something...NOT enough to do nothing." amen. 

pratt isn't perfect.  he's a part of me....so he's far from it.  but he's headed in the right direction.  and we will continue to teach him what we think is right.  and good.  and necessary. 

and giving kids so much stuff on Christmas...(to me) is just setting them up for failure in the long run.  at some point, when you are given so much stuff, you lose track of what is important.  in reality, you can really only play with a few things.  max...really, well, he really only likes his train. 

next year..and the year after that...when peer pressure gets to me.  and I feel the need to get the boys 15 gifts, I expect you to hold me accountable.  and remind me of this post. 

merry Christmas...one day late.