kicks

i dread the prenatal vitamin. most of the time i'm taking gigantic iron pills as well. but i'm off my iron pills for seven days. so it's just the vitamin. which isn't so bad. but i'm not a big fan of horse pills...as i'm not mr. ed.

anyway. last night, i was going through my nightly routines of taking pills, washing face, brushing teeth, etc. i went into the kitchen to get my vitamin and saw that there was a half empty diet dr. pepper can in the fridge. i haven't really enjoyed any drinks like this since i found out i was pregnant. but it was there. and it was cold. and it might as well have been a cupcake like in the commercial. i took a swig of it to take my vitamin...and before i knew it, i basically drank the rest of the can. i loved every second of it. but again, keep in mind that i really haven't had any caffeine (besides what's in chocolate) for about 15 weeks.

so i go upstairs to get ready for bed. about twenty minutes later i lay down. clint's pretty much asleep. and i'm finding something on tv. and then i feel this little boy start to move. like, really start to move. i didn't want to wake clint up. so i waited to see if it would continue.

it did. i assume he kicked me. hard. i had my hand on my belly..and he just kicked. and i could not only feel it internally...but i felt it on my hand. so i woke clint up. and the little guy continued to kick. it was unreal!

i was so excited. but nervous too. it's crazy to think that what we take in really has that much affect on the baby. i'm sure he was dozing away...and then i came along with a diet dr. pepper.

what fun this is! that made the low back pain worth every minute!

my whitney

i met her in college. the first time i was ever around her, i remember thinking that she was one of the prettiest people i'd ever met. she was tall and thin and funny. very smart. and seemed so grown for her 19 years.

the first thing she said to me was "this is a really nice car, hannah." i was driving back from a basketball game. and a bunch of people were riding with me.

i don't remember there ever really being that awkward silence with us. we just seemed to be best friends from day one. i was quiet...shy. and she never was. she was everything that i wished i could be.

we've been the best of friends for around 10 years now. and she is leaving for california today. lins and i had a "pizza party" with her last night. because that's what we used to do when we lived together. order dominoes pizza.

of course, i couldn't say bye. i've never been good at goodbyes. and so i hugged her and said that i'd see her soon. i made it to my car without crying. i made it all the way to the interstate without crying. and then it hit me. that i would be here. and she would be in california.

i remembered so many things we'd done together. so many times when she scooped me off the ground and convinced me to keep on moving forward. the countless prayers for me. notes. the note she left on my car the morning i took the mcat. how she cried when i told her that i had been accepted into medical school. i remembered her looking at me when i was taking pictures with all my bridesmaids at the wedding.

she's responsible for so much of my success in this short life i've lived. she loved clint...and saw that he would be perfect for me. and she convinced me that i deserved someone like him.

i will miss you whitney. and i know that you're only a plane ride away...but i'll still miss you.

we're growing up...and i'm not sure how i feel about it.

my favorite picture of us. her doing what she loved to do...make me wear makeup. she did my makeup for my wedding. i'll never forget these moments...i love you.

19 weeks

i'll be 20 on thursday and head to the doctor for my visit early friday morning.

almost halfway there!

it's a....

BOY!

yep, clint is absolutely thrilled. his response: throwing his arms up in the air and screaming "yes!". my response..."oh no...he's going to play in the dirt..."

we were both really excited. david nelson and his wife kristen were so sweet to take us up to the hospital on saturday and do an ultrasound. after several other doctors agreed...david said he was 99% sure it is a boy.

clint was so excited by the news that he actually went to hobby lobby with me to look for fabric for the bedding. :)

my favorite quote so far....i said something about how girl's clothes are so much cuter than boy's clothes.

clint's response: "boys don't need clothes. they just need underwear and cowboy boots."

tomorrow.

so around 11 we're going with a friend from college up to see if this little one is a girl or a boy. clint is really, really excited. i'm nervous. i don't really know why. i guess because a part of me likes living in suspense. i'm not even sure that i'll really believe it...i'm the type that will continue to think that maybe it's wrong. and so the thought of buying all boy or all girl stuff makes me nervous.

anyway. i can honestly say that i really just pray for a healthy baby. not necessarily a boy or a girl.

at first, i was completely opposed to a girl. they're difficult. i know, i was one. there are breakups and "cycles" and weight issues and other little girls are so stinkin' mean. but then i realized what a little girl would mean. it would mean the possibility of clint having a relationship similar to the one i have with my dad. it would mean judging every boy in the world against one of the best men ever. i would love to see clint have that relationship.

and to me...it would mean attempting (that's the key word) to be what my mother has been to me. it would mean baking cookies and sewing clothes. it would mean taking girl trips. and doing her fingernails.

a boy would be pretty great too. for clint, i know that he would love nothing more than fishing trips and hunting trips. playing ball. talking about sports. watching the hogs play.

for me, it would mean having another clint around. and that would be great.

either way, i'm excited. and nervous. but i think that's normal.

i'll let you all know what we see. or...i guess what we don't see :)

run...don't walk.

i've always loved to read. from the time i was a kid, and mom would take us to little rock, i have loved to read. we'd drive up, go to the mall and i'd go in the bookstore in the mall. i'd buy a fear street book. and i'd have it finished by the time i got home. i carried my books everywhere. and read them whenever i could. there isn't much that i love more then snuggling up in bed with a book. my arms get tired from holding the book...ahh, what a wonderful feeling.

on our way to new york, spencer had a book called "new moon". by stephanie meyer. she told me that it was about a vampire..and that she knew i'd think that was funny...but that i had to get the first book and read it. it was called "twilight". so i did. i bought it and finished it about two days later. i had fallen in love with edward.

you must understand that spencer does not like to read. i can't remember the last thing she read. so i knew these were good. and they are. if you want something to read, get the first book, "twilight". the second one is "new moon", followed by "eclipse". the fourth book is coming out in august, i think.

so get it. right now. i'd say order it from amazon, but i couldn't wait that long. and there is something incredibly wonderful about walking into a barnes and noble. i love the smell of books. seriously...i do. it does something strange to me. i could spend 10 hours a day in there.

things to remember

so i know that i'm only 18 weeks...almost 19. but i love to keep notes and write. so i'm using this to keep up with different things i've experienced so far. i hope you enjoy. for those of you having been through this...or going through it now...you'll probably enjoy it more than others :)

1. i don't have just three meals anymore. i get up and eat a bowl of cereal. and then about two hours later, i'll have applesauce or a fruit. or if i'm really bad, a poptart. then around ten i'll have a handful of almonds or peanuts. and then of course i eat lunch at noon. i'm usually hungry around 330. and then i eat dinner around 6. and then i eat something "to make my iron pill go down". :) clint thinks this is hilarious. the other morning i had my cereal. he was heading to mcdonalds about an hour later. he brought me pancakes. which, by the way, were almost as good as my mothers. for the record, these were the first pancakes i've ever had from mcdonalds. as many of you know, my mother doesn't believe in fast food. oh, and they're called "hotcakes"...not pancakes.

2. morning sickness wasn't "morning" for me. it was evening/bedtime. i would try to make dinner. once i had finished it, i would be unable to eat. it seemed like something i wanted at first. i would stand at my sink and stare at my toothbrush. i hated that thing. i hated the way it felt. and i hated what it meant. i dreaded brushing my teeth. the toothpaste tasted bad. the brushing would make my gums bleed. and then i'd have to lay down with the taste of bloody toothpaste in my mouth.

3. things i'm not sure i'll ever be able to eat again. jambalaya. tomato soup. spaghetti sauce. macaroni and cheese.

4. my first trimester i craved cheese, crackers and applesauce. i still crave fruits. especially fresh fruits. watermelon. strawberries. pineapple. i love cereal. since the day i found out i was pregnant, i've been having cereal for breakfast. i must admit that i started this because i knew it had vitamins and iron in it. i'm sure it's not alot...but i knew that i'd need iron since i was on iron before ever becoming pregnant. so from day one, i've gotten up every morning...gone downstairs...and fixed a big bowl of cereal. my eyes are always bigger than my tummy in the morning. i sit on the couch, with ace at my feet, and i eat and watch the news. ace watched me patiently, never whining...just watching me. sometimes he falls asleep because it's so early. and then i let him have the last 1/4 of the cereal/milk. he loves it. he licks up all the milk and then eats the cereal. i tell him "thanks for helping" me...the bowl goes in the dishwasher and before i can even turn around, i can hear his feet on the stairs, heading back up to his bed. he crawls back into his bed and falls asleep. this happens every single morning. i love it.

5. i began wearing maternity clothes much earlier than i probably was "supposed to". i refused to wear my clothes with a rubberband on the button because it looked funny. i bought one pair of liz lange pants at target, and they are still my favorites. i've probably been wearing them since around 9 or 10 weeks. there is no shame in this. people will totally act like they didn't have to wear maternity clothes...well, good for them. i did. i totally did. i had one girl tell me that she was six months pregnant and had only gained five pounds. my response: "i'm so sorry." judging by the look on her face, i think she was actually bragging.

6. i'm unsure at this point of the difference between feeling the baby kick and gas. i won't go into detail here. that's all i'll say.

7. vernon thinks that the baby is going to come out with tattoos. we went to a david allen coe concert at week 17. i think this is around the time the baby is first able to hear. we were on the fifth row, and i got nervous about it being too loud. don't laugh. i really did. so i texted vernon and andy. the two doctors. i said, "is it a danger to the baby that i'm on the fifth row at this concert sitting right in front of the speaker?" vernon's response: "yes, the baby is going to be born with tattoos". in that case, i hope it's a boy and that the tat reads "i love my mom". i'll be fine with that.

just random thoughts. more to come, i'm sure.

18 weeks.

so here is a picture of me at 18 weeks. looking at me from the front, you can't really see the belly. but from the side...there's really no denying it.

and...as i told my dad yesterday...i know i'm pregnant because i'm craving taco tico. a taco burger from taco tico. i'm not even sure they exist anymore...the restaurant...not the burger. i thought about driving to arkadelphia just to see.

also, megan...thanks for the 3 HUGE tupperware bins full of great maternity clothes! seriously...i owe you...big time.

another day...another squirrel

so clint and i are sitting in the living room. watching american idol. and in comes ace...with a dead squirrel hanging out of his mouth. at first, i thought it was his fake squirrel. the one with the squeaker.

but then...he started shaking it...and it didn't squeak.

i looked at clint...and he laughed. we both leaned forward to take a closer look. in trying to be a good mom...i immediately praised ace. you know...for killing the squirrel. because that's what he's supposed to be...a squirrel dog. and as soon as i did it...i remembered b.f. skinner...and realized what i'd just done.

oh well. if you look closely, you can see ace's bite marks on the left upper thigh.

it's official. i've become a redneck.

sometimes i forget.

i'm in the process of writing a paper. it's for my "advanced social psychology" class. and it's due thursday. my father would be very proud of me...because i inherited something called "procrastination"...so the fact that i'm working on this paper on monday would be something that dad wouldn't really believe.

anyway, i'm reviewing research on my topic. it's something called "self fulfilling prophecies" or in the school setting it's commonly referred to as "teachers perceptions" or "learned helplessness". basically, it's how teachers views of students tint or influence how they treat students...therefore affecting the student's classroom performance...and one could argue...their lives.

it's not fair to put all the blame on teachers. we all do it. it's in how we perceive things around us. the homeless person on the street. the kid with behavior problems. the person in jail. i could go on and on.

i'm sitting here. writing this paper, and getting inspired. sometimes i forget why i love my field. lately with all the crud at school...i've forgotten. i've been so bogged down in what i have to do...what i have to get finished...that i forget why i'm in this. i forgot why i want so much to work as an advocate for kids.

over christmas, my mother gave me and spencer each a piece of art. it's by mary anne radmacher. she's a writer and an artist. my poster is called "because of one child". it says...

people ask, "why do you work so hard for your students?" there are so many things i could say but the answer must be -- because of one child.

i swim through seas of papers with colored pens as paddles. seeking to improve without dispiriting, to point a better way without losing their enthusiasm.

because of one child, i seek my own reserves and provide opportunities which would otherwise be lost. because of one child, i will spend my time generously - as if i had a lifetime of such days. i will see the whole of the world from a small hill and will believe against convention, in "impossible results".

at the end of the teaching day i leave the classroom but i am still, and shall ever be, a teacher. time ago i was that child for whom such commitment made a difference. i will dedicate my days confident my efforts matter.

because of one child.

i love this print. i'm not a teacher. but much like a teacher, i'm an advocate for children. and too often, we don't see them for what they really are. here's to remembering that. and treating them as equals. asking them their opinions. believing in their talents, in their abilities.

have wonderful days. back to the paper...

our animals

we have a doggy door. and we have a squirrel dog. you put the two together...and at some point, you get the squirrel dog bringing a squirrel through the doggy door. this happened last year.

i brought a cat into the family when we got married. well, she's sort of a cat. i'm not really sure what she is. the other day she strutted through the doggy door carrying a worm in her mouth. i went outside to get clint because i thought it was funny. turns out the worm wasn't a worm...it was a snake.

clint took the snake outside and dropped it in some monkey grass. that was sunday. well...yesterday clint said he came home for lunch and yoda had brought the snake back inside. this time, she'd killed it.

needless to say...clint didn't get a picture of the dead snake.

"mom" things

when i was a kid and there were leftovers in the fridge, i could always "overlook" them. because i knew that eventually mom would take them out. she would open up the tupperware and dump the contents down the drain. she would be the one to use her bare (!) hands to push everything down the drain!

i could go on and on about things that she did as a mom. the laundry, the cleaning, the cooking, etc, etc. somehow, our house always smelled good...was always clean...and i honestly don't remember her ever complaining about it. the loads of laundry had to be astounding.

so today, i was cleaning out our refrigerator. not something i usually do. after getting pregnant, my nose became super sensitive. and so the whole "cleaning out the leftover tupperwares" became something clint did. i would gag if i tried.

since the second trimester has come along...i'm not so sensitive anymore. so today i cleaned out the tupperware. i must admit that i did pull my shirt over my nose and i held my breath until i was finished. but still...i did it on my own.

it got me thinking about how in only five short months...i'll be responsible for doing those mom things. up to this point, i've been so spoiled with clint. he never expects me to do his laundry. never expects me to cook dinner. but with a new baby...i'll be here and he'll be working. and it won't be his place anymore.

this is all really new. and it got me thinking about how our life is about to completely change. i'm excited. not really about using my hand to push food down the sink...but i'm excited about the chance to be a mom. a good mom.

lucky for me, i have such a wonderful role model.

a wandering mind...

so i'm supposed to be preparing for tonight's class. but since they're having a test...i thought i'd tool around on the internet and look for baby furniture. i am a very classical, traditional person when it comes to furniture. even when i want to be sort of out there...and even a little modern...the classical stuff just pulls me back in. and i'm trying very hard to do this on a budget. i actually have money saved for school..and so i want to use it for the baby's room. i know that clint won't want me to do this...but i would like to.

anyway. i've found some stuff i really life. and would like ya'll's opinions. especially those of you who have experienced this before.

okay. the one above is called "the heirloom collection". i love the drawers! i'm not sure about the big curve in the back of the bed though.

this one is called "morgan" and i love it too. i love the dark finish of this one. and the decorative knobs.

what do you think? and will i even use this furniture later? i know i'd use the dresser...and eventually with other kids use the bed...but what about the changing table? i mean, i guess i have to have one, right? and bookshelves? the kid should come out of the womb reading...so that's important, right? i'm so lost. and overwhelmed. :)

not really...

new york

so i'm late in posting these pictures. typical.

mom took me and spencer to new york for our spring break. spencer has an excuse...she's a teacher and all. i don't....well, yes i do. i'm apparently still 12 years old. or as dad calls it, "a lifetime learner".

spencer and me reading in bed. note the twenty blankets on top of us. mom was burning up. we were freezing.

mom...burning up. with no covers on. it was like 20 degress outside...she slept with the window open every, single night.

heather and aunt carol visiting...probably about where to shop.

spencer and barbie.

getting ready to see grease! it was fabulous! we saw grease and the lion king. highly recommend both of them. great, great musicals. my favorite still...jersey boys.

heather and barbie with the singers at mama mexicana. our very favorite mexican restuarant in the city. this is probably the third or fourth time we've eaten here. every year we go to new york...we go to mama mexicana. authentic mexican food. with the best guacamole ever.

boarding the train to new jersey. we spent easter with aunt carol, katie, michael, and uncle mike.

waiting on mike at the train station. we walked out of the train door...and we literally walked right onto these steps. heather, spencer, debbie and i had a good conversation while mom and barb walked around.

this guy worked in a clothing store in soho. i loved his shirt. we tried to get one for dad...but he said that they were sold out. he told us that the day they got them in, they sold out. of course they did :)

mom making dad pose in his new shirt. doesn't he look thrilled?

thanks mom for a great, great trip.

2 whole numbers...

it's finally stopped raining. today when the sun came out, it truly felt like it was the first sun i've seen in at least a month. rain gets depressing.

clint and ace went fishing today. i cleaned the house. having a dog and cat means cleaning the floor at least once a week. i'm pretty sure i have adhd which means that it takes me an abnormal amount of time to clean one room. before i get finished...i'll think of something else i need to do. ten minutes later, i'll walk back...and realize that i've only mopped half the floor.

yesterday we had our 16 week visit. i dread the doctor's visits because i'm trying so hard to watch what i eat...and not take advantage of this pregnancy. those who know me know that i could (and would love to) eat a full tub of peanut butter a day. with a package of oreos. but i've tried so hard not to let this pregnancy be an excuse to eat whatever i want...whenever i want.

i have this fear that the doctor will come in and be like, "well, chubbs...you've gained twenty pounds in four weeks." i know...i know...what's the worst thing he could do? ground me?

it's silly, yes. but still, i'm trying so hard. going to new york didn't help. i had some baked item from starbucks most mornings (ie. at least 50 grams of fat...and no telling how many calories).

so i knew that this visit would be rough on the old scales. up to this point...i've gained exactly what they "want" you to. so this time...i hop on...and think...oh well....one more pound that i'm "supposed to". not that bad. and i feel alot better.

so...we listen to the heartbeat...and then they give me my chart and tell me that i need to go to the lab. so as i'm heading there...i sneak a peak at the weight. and the nurse had added 2 whole numbers to my weight! yes!!!

i gasped...and clint made some comment about how i'm being crazy. and how this nurse "obviously has it out for me...because she's "obviously" fabricating the data."

and i know this sounds crazy...but obviously she is. i'll give her this...she is like 90 years old. and so her sight is probably a little gone. and she wasn't really looking at the scale from straight above...she was more to the side. and so i'm thinking that she didn't really see the correct number.

i'm sure you're all thinking i'm crazy. and that gaining weight is just something that happens. i know, i know. and i'm really okay with that. but give me a break. when you add 2 whole numbers to someone's weight...well, that's just wrong.

at our 20 week visit...my plan is to hop up on the scales and then just shout out the number. that way there won't be such a "misunderstanding". it's either that...or i buy her a pair of glasses.

april 4, 1968

it's been forty years. martin luther king junior was killed outside his hotel room forty years ago today. and if you've never been to the civil rights museum in memphis...you really should go. it's one of those things that you don't want to do. like the holocaust museum in washington dc. it's not a "fun" place to go.

but it's somewhere that you should take your children. explain what happened. explain...to your best ability...why it happened. be honest. isn't that the only way we'll ever really learn? ever really change? ever really get to the promised land?

i was searching for quotes this morning from him. and i came across a video tribute done by u2. it's to the song "in the name of love". if you want to see it, here's the link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_HY-WfDPm7s

it's hard to imagine what feelings arise to make the comment..."i have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character."

being white means never having to think of your race...never having to think of being white. it means never having to take a seat in the back. means never having to visit a different bathroom or water fountain. means never having to worry that your children probably will be judged by the color of their skin...

you've probably never thought about what it means to be white, have you? maybe that's because it's been easy...

not to be preachy...but what role do you play in working towards the promised land? do something good. do something that benefits and helps another person...another human being.

i found this picture. it's from years ago. something he said. read it. frightening how it could and should be said today.

jake on the news

my friend heather has a little boy named jake. he might be one of the funniest kids of all time. everytime i'm around him, i laugh. and he usually just looks at me...trying to figure out what all the fuss is about.

last night he was on channel seven news. he is part of the arkansas soccer team. here is the link to the video. he's "interviewed" at the end. watch his expression when he's talking about something unrelated to soccer...but very related to monkeys. or something....:)


http://cfc.katv.com/videoondemand.cfm?id=11878