when we feel known...

i'm a procrastinator.
i'm terrified of making my way through a crowd of strangers to find someone i know.
i'm disorganized 6 out of 10 times.
i'm always misplacing my keys, bills, important papers for the boys.
i don't always respond to text messages.
i don't ever delete emails.

these are all things i'm not good at.  things that i constantly work on, but it seems no matter how many resolutions i make...no matter how many times i make check lists, i still haven't mastered these things.

and i probably never will.

and so in those moments when i fail.  in those moments when these things prove to be true...so damn true, i ache.  and i find that i don't like myself.

and i remember so many things.

i remember leaning against the wall in the science hallway.  in my high school building.  i remember standing there.  in my cheer uniform.  i remember a boy...a year younger than me, walking towards me.  he looked at me, smiled...laughed and said, "hey ham hock legs.  whatcha waiting on?"

i go back to the girl i was in college.  dating the guys who only cared for themselves.

i can close my eyes and see the shell of the person...of the young girl i used to be.

and i'm heartbroken for her.

for the girl who never could stand up for herself. the girl who spent her life making sure others were happy.  never questioning why she wasn't.

in those moments when i fail, i remember that girl.  i'm taken back there.  to her.  to the tiny person who no longer exists.  (praise the LORD).

she no longer exists for many reasons.

annie downs said it best with, "when we feel known, it changes who we are."

yes.  one million times yes.

when we feel known.
when we feel validated.
when we feel loved.
when we feel appreciated, admired.
when we have strength.

this didn't happen for me until i was an adult.  i can actually pinpoint the exact moment i felt known.  it has grown over the course of the last few years.

but the spark occurred as i was driving over the arkansas river in 2008.  it was about a week after i found out i was pregnant with pratt.

and it hit me.

i was married.  to this man.  who loved me for me.  who wanted to have a family with me.  who wanted to take care of me and this baby.

he didn't love me because....he loved me although.
and that, my friends, was a first for me.

ever since pratt was in my belly, i have desired a life of happiness for him.  i wanted him to be smart. to be successful.  to be kind.  to be funny.  all the things we want for our children.

last night, at his first parent teacher conference, i was told so many things about him.  things i had prayed for him.  at the end of the conference, i was leaving when the teacher made the comment that he was "such a protector of others".  that he protected them. made sure everything was right and fair and okay.

as i walked out of the building, tears burned my eyes because i realized that what i always wanted for him, he is that child.  he does those things.  he lives that life.

when i texted my parents and my sister, my father's response was, "i know he is only 6 years old and he has a lifetime ahead of him, but i don't know if it is possible to receive a greater compliment."

i agree.  wholeheartedly.

knowing he is helping others to feel known, warms this momma's heart.
knowing he is validating feelings.  loving others.  making hurts better.

well, it just goes to show that our kids really do come through us.  they are not of us.  because i have never been this strong.

if you're young and struggling and reading this, know life does get better.  surround yourself with those who help you feel known.

distance yourself from those who press their identity on you.  those who want to mold you into what they think you are.  run from those people.  they are harmful and will make life harder than it should be.

and if you've found someone who makes you feel known, go hug them.  and thank them.  because i can't think of anything to be more thankful for.

xxoo.

stop.

today when max got in the car (he's walked to the car and put inside by one of his teachers), miss katina said, "max, when one of your friends is bothering you...remember, you say, stop".  and she motioned with her hands the sign for stop.  at least, i assume that's what it was.  it was a flat palm and the other hand was straight.  i'm sure that's what it was.  the sign for stop.

so he did it.  looked right at her and said and signed, "stop".

it's been at the back of my mind all day.

as we drove off i asked him what happened.  and then quickly (as i always do) followed up with, "was someone mean to you, max?"

it has to be a yes or no question.

yes, he said.

he also said a name.  but i couldn't figure it out.  i guessed but i guessed wrong because he said, "no momma" and then repeated the name to me.

still, nothing.  immediately i regretted not knowing all the kids in his class.  because that was the end of our conversation.  i quickly reiterated that he could and should sign and say stop anytime he felt uncomfortable.

on we drove.  to pick up pratt.

a little while later i got a call from an occupational therapist at access.  telling me that max had qualified for OT.  he qualified in several areas.  areas of weakness.

she also wanted me to know where he had done well. areas of strength.  and for a split second, i was so proud of him.

it has bothered me all day.
until you've had this happen, you have no idea how damn exhausting it is to hear where your kid is weak.  where he needs work.  where he needs therapy.  where he could do better.

i want, more than anything, for him to live a normal life.
i want him to be happy.  and strong.  and healthy.
and i want him to run and jump and play with friends on the playground.

i want him to tell secrets.
i want him to tell jokes.
i want him to giggle.

i want him to play hide and seek.
i want him to be able to count to 10.

i want him to be able to tell me what show he wants to watch.
what he wants for dinner.
what he wants to drink.
where he wants to go.
what he wants to wear.

i want him to tell me no.  and yes.
i want him to yell at pratt.
i want him to say a nightly prayer.

i want so much for him.

mostly, i just want him to be happy.

i wasn't here at bedtime, so clint put them down.
max wanted to sleep in the bunkbeds, so clint allowed it.

i went in to check on him and found this...

isn't that the most precious thing you've ever seen?

as i look at it, i can't help but wonder what he's dreaming about.

is he dreaming of olaf?  and anna?
is he dreaming of pratt and fishing?

what about running and skipping and flying kites?
sitting in pop pop's lap.
hugging me as tight as he can.
is he dreaming about sonic ice cream.
or target popcorn.

in his dreams, can he speak like his friends?

will i ever know?  will he ever be able to tell me?

yes.  i know the answer is yes.
but sometimes it feels like life is dragging on.  and while everyone else is moving forward, max and i are stuck.  in sinking sand.

my children are my whole life.  i don't have a real job.  i don't have anything else to worry about.  so i worry about them.  mostly, i worry about that 3 year old.

so if you could, say a prayer for me.  and for that little boy.  and for all the little boys and girls who are dealing with apraxia too.  it's so hard, y'all.

life can just be so hard.  so do me a solid.

teach your kids that we don't all look alike.
we don't all sound alike.
we don't all act alike.

that's part of the beauty of God's creation.
we are all different.

and because of this, it's important to be kind to everyone.  thanks, friends.

xxoo.