love.

He loves headbands. And grapes. But not in that order.







One day he will have really long, curly hair and will be using that same headband to hold it back. And some silly girl will think he's so cute. I'm not gonna like her. I really won't.

She will not be good enough.

I already know it.

boo.

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best days.

there are days when i complain about the behavior of certain people in my house.  people younger than 10 years of age.

and so i need to document these few things because i know when he's gone to college, i'll read this and cry.  and i want to remember as much as i can.

two sundays ago, we were at my parent's church in camden.  pratt knows the preacher well.  his name is buddy.  he's really comfortable with buddy.  think, best pals.  i had heard from mom and dad that several weeks ago, he sang a song for some of the congregation.  and he wasn't shy at all.  and so i was prepared last week for him to talk buddy's face off during children's church.

p never lets me down.  he did just that.

somehow they got to talking about people they wanted to be like.  pratt spoke up, louder than the other kids, and said he wanted to be just like his mommy.

i immediately dropped my head down.

one, because i knew i was going to get teary eyed.  and i didn't want anyone to see me.

and two, because i was worried about what he might continue to say.  you know, like..."i want to be like my mommy because she sits to pee" or "i want to be like mommy because she can say bad words that i can't say".  there are so many possibilities.

anyway, it was sweet.  and loving.  and so honest.

but it didn't stop there.

a few minutes later he went on to tell buddy (and the rest of the church) that his mommy loved him to the moon and back.

and for a split second, i was proud of the parent that i am.  (or that i am on good days).  it wasn't so much about me...and the parent i am...but more that i was consistent.  and i was proud of that.  because if there is anything i am not...it's consistent.  but this seems so important.  such an important place to try to be consistent.  i tell him DAILY that there is nothing he could ever do to keep me from loving him.  and that i really do love him to the moon and back.  and sure, i stole it from that book but i've never had an original thought.  and if you have, then you shouldn't really be reading this stupid blog.  instead, you should be publishing something incredible.  and you should forget about me and my rambling.

tonight i was throwing the ball to pratt.  clint was watching us.  pratt was doing so good.  he's actually got a really good arm.  and i kept bragging about him to clint.

and so clint gave him a thumbs up.  and when he did it, pratt just beamed.  and so innocently and sweet gave clint the same thumbs up right back.

freeze time.  i wish someone would freeze time.

these are for sure the best days of my life.  i can't imagine what life will be like when max is old enough to talk.  my heart might literally burst out of my chest.

for reals.

his first.

I think this is going to be the first year he really loves this time of year.

That's good.

Because his daddy and I loooove it so.







He was quite the helper with the ornaments. On the agenda tonight, a popcorn garland for his tree.

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dear boys.

dear boys,

She loves you so, so much.







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boys.

some highlights from last week.

i never, ever dreamed max would be this happy.  i cannot express what his smile means for my heart.  i know that sounds so silly.  but i had SO many people tell me that it would be at least a year before he was really happy.  and that he would probably be difficult his entire life.

i should have known better.  what in the world does he have to be unhappy about? nothing.  not.a.thing.

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words.

my kid is a sponge. You say something one time, he figures out what it means and then stores it for later.

Words/phrases he has used this week:

Frustrated
Barely
Hesitated
No worries

And finally, nutso.

And when he heard his nanny say, "shoot", he asked, "nana, what did you say? Cause it sounded like you said shit."

Pray for me. And him.

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the bell ringer.

i took pratt to kroger on tuesday night.  two nights before thanksgiving.  don't ever do this.  especially don't do it if your kid's reward is getting to "walk with you" instead of riding in the buggy.  unreal.

anyway.  before we went in, i spotted the lady ringing the salvation army bell.  i'm fairly certain she was the same lady from last year.  i don't know if that means i need to get out more, or if maybe she's an angel from heaven.  either way, i think i should be really kind to her as she might need to be my new friend.

this will be the first season that pratt is able to semi understand what the bell is about.  why the money gets put in the red basket, etc.  and so i sat in that parking lot, looking at the bell ringer, trying my hardest to explain to a 3 year old why it was so important to give.

i tried to get him to grasp that if we put fifty cents in every single time we went to the grocery, and so did cookie, and so did nana, and so did sugar and coleman and katie and chloe and baylor (we literally named ALL his friends...including hermit crabs and kittens that live at petco who he is convinced go across the parking lot to target to shop.  idk) that would be so much money.

i told him that they would take that basket at the end of the night, count up how much they had, and walk in kroger (or the walmarts or target) and buy groceries or other items that families needed.  i laughed when he asked if they needed coupons.  i said no, that i was sure kroger gave them a discount.  :)  i know that's kind of watered down, but he really seemed to get it.

what he can't get, is why some kids don't have those groceries or coats or shoes or blankets to begin with.  he doesn't understand why their dads don't work like our dad does.  that's hard.  because i believe with all my heart that people are good and that everyone would like to work.  i refuse to believe that there are people who take advantage of the system.  and i don't think that you can worry if those people exist.  because it's not my place.  i'm convinced (thank you to my dad) that good people are helped by government agencies and programs.  and so i will die believing in our tax money going to help.  call me a yellow dog, i don't care.  whatev, man.

(getting off my soapbox.....)

i want him to understand what my dad told me so long ago.  and that is that true happiness is found in helping others.  and that even at 3, he can do that.

i say all this...but yet, i'm torn because i want him to be a kid.  i want him to experience childhood for as long as he can.  because he shouldn't know about certain things yet.

but isn't now the time to teach these lessons?  or maybe plants these seeds.  yes, that's it.  the planting of the seeds.  but how.  how do i plant them without completely tearing up the ground around them.

being a parent is so hard.  good thing there is prayer.  and forgiveness.  i'll need all three.  and more...

my pablo.

it's weird.  i've tried so hard to get pratt to love to draw.  because i don't.  because i AM SO FAR FROM ARTSY. like, miles.  and miles and miles.  and so i've forced him to draw when he really just wanted to hunt bugs.  or dig worms.

and i realized it.  so i gave up.

and just when i gave up, he drew "himself" and "a snowman with a shovel".










i love the snowman.  for some reason it reminds me of slimer from ghostbusters.  yes!? right!? totally.

and then "we" painted some boards from daddy's garage.  we hope he likes green.  it's pratt's new fort.  on daddy's trailer.  he loved it.  when i asked him if he wanted it to say, "no girls allowed", he said, "okay.  and then write "girls allowed too" on the other side.  

sweet boy ;)

i wish these days would never end.




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blackbird.

blackbird singing in the dead of night.....

that's what he was singing when i got this.  in the mirror, none the less.  with a "plop" (prop) on his head.  his dad's flashlight.  just looking at himself.  singing away.

so if you want your autograph now, let me know.  some kids will grow up to be athletes.  or scientists.  or school teachers.

not mine.  this one is gonna grow up to be on broadway.  awesome.  NYC, here we come!

rip coleman the crab.

pratt is a sensitive soul.  more than once, he has cried about animals dying.  and by "animals" i  mean "bugs".  like stink bugs.  or caterpillars.  or grub worms.  grasshoppers.  etc, etc.  you name it...and it's died at our house.  and pratt has cried.  real tears.  not dramatic tears.  real, live tears.

so when coleman the hermit crab finally went to be with jesus the other day, well...it was hard.

we buried him in a box.  and wrapped him in toilet paper.  so he'd be "nice and cozy".  pratt doesn't quite grasp the concept of a soul and a body.  but we're working on it.  he didn't understand why we were making such a fuss over his burial if he was already in heaven with jesus.  great question, kid.  idk, really.

please note the real tear.  that's not staged.  he cried and cried as he dug.

and you might be thinking i'm a total weirdo bad mom for letting him see the dead crab.  but here's the thing.  he will experience real death at some point.  and he's mature.  i mean, not 21 years old mature, but it's the circle of life.  and i don't want him being the 15 year old kid that has never known anything or anyone to die or even mention the word "death" and then he'll be reeeeeeal screwed up.  so i just ripped the bandage off.

we marked his grave with a cross.  but we moved the location twice.  because he was so worried that the dogs would dig him up.  so we buried him further up towards the house.  and dad, no worries.  we buried him facing east.  so you know...he and momma kitty will both know when Jesus comes back ;)

pratt is definitely my child. and spencer's nephew.  we love animals more than anything else in the world.  like michael vick should still be in jail.  and he should stay there forever.  and ever, and ever.  amen.

thankful.

Tonight p and I were lying next to each other. Nick jr. Was on. And moose a moose asked, "what are you thankful for?"

And without hesitation, Pratt leaned over, grabbed my face with his chubby little hands and said, "I'm thankful for my momma!"

And kissed me. Right on the lips.

What a blessing he is to my heart.









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love.

Max loves Pratt. And Pratt has no idea.

I'm gonna flip my stuff the first time p is ugly to him. Seriously.



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sleeping baby.

Pratt is with my mom. He's coming back today. I've really missed him.

But while he's been gone, I've cuddled up big time with my baby. Usually, I never let him sleep outside of his bed. I know it's so sweet and I could stare at him sleeping all day.

But I'm a big believer in the importance of consolidated sleep in the proper place. and it's hard to really snuggle up with max if Pratt is awake.

So while Pratt has been away, max has been doing lots of napping on me. And I secretly love it.













Sweet little angel baby.

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max.

the happiest baby ever. and no, I never thought I'd say that.













That's my favorite. He's like, "Uh. Yoda. No."



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dear boys.

dear boys,

i have said so often that i'm so glad you two are boys.  because i couldn't raise a girl.  life sometimes seems too hard for girls.  i only feel this way because i know how hard certain situations have been for me.  as a female.  unfortunately i know you will go through other things...difficult things.  but we'll cross those bridges when we get there.

i can't speak for males, as i'm not sure they go through the same issues.

let me try to catch you up.

for as long as i can remember, i've been critical of myself.  of the way i look.  i've been insecure.  and i've constantly compared myself to other girls.  who are always prettier than me.

i hope you are rolling your eyes.  and thinking, "man.  sooooo glad i'm not like that."

your daddy isn't like that.  so i hope you get it from him.  i hope that you never shy away from a mirror.  that you never hesitate to see a picture taken of yourself because you worry about how you will look.

i do this a lot.  it's embarrassing to write all this out because i feel like it proves just how weak i am.  and i don't want you to see me as weak.

but i feel like before the two of you grow up and move away...at some point you will see this side of me.  so it's better i put it all out there now.

yesterday, i had a pretty bad day.  i was in a funk.  and couldn't get out.  it started when i went to the gym and the machine wouldn't read my fingerprint.  therefore, i couldn't get in to workout.  not really a big deal...i know.  but it just set off a chain of events and things just went south.

i got back home and went upstairs.  to mine and daddy's room.  you both were napping.  i collapsed in the chair.  crying.  sobbing.

clint came up and asked what was wrong.

i didn't really even know how to verbally communicate what was wrong.

everything was wrong.  i was wrong.  life was wrong.  all of it was wrong.

but in a sentence, it was, "i hate myself." or maybe "i hate the person that i have become."

something like that.

as i was trying so hard to communicate to dad what was causing me to flip out and cry and question EVERYTHING (literally, everything) about myself, i said, "i'm so embarrassed.  i'm so sorry that i'm doing this.  but i can't seem to get outside of myself.  and i can't seem to stop it. i feel like i'm having a nervous breakdown."

it was as if i was standing above us, looking down and i realized how silly i was being.  but at the same time, it wasn't silly at all.  it was very real.

as a bit of comic relief, allow me to reference a tv show. everybody loves raymond. it's not on anymore, but when it was, it was one of our favorites.

your daddy really is a lot like raymond...and i'm a lot like debra.  there is this scene where debra is flipping out.  she's upset and screaming and crying.  and raymond is standing there looking at her.  watching her in horror.  like he cannot believe he's married to this crazy lunatic.  the conversation goes like this.

debra: have you ever considered giving me a hug?


ray: a hug!?


debra: yes! a hug! did you ever think of that, you big jerk?


ray: well, it's pretty hard to hug someone who's trying to kill you.


debra: how would you know? you've never even tried it!!!


ray: well, look, *this* is not huggable! *this* is not debra! this is the woman who shows up once a month to tear into me like a monkey on a cupcake!

this could seriously be our conversation.

only yesterday was different.  yesterday, your daddy said, "hannah, can i hug you?"

there are so many wonderful things about it.

and as crazy as it sounds, it made all the difference in the world.  he went on to reassure me and basically  deny all the other things i said about myself.

i apologized to him this morning.  about crying.  because i know he worries about me.  and about my happiness.

and he emailed me back.  and it said,


No problem. I just want you to know how much I love you. And when my imperfect love fails, you have a father/creator who loves you perfectly, just the way you are. He told me so yesterday while I was running. 

i say all that to say this, 


1. your daddy is the best daddy/husband in the whole entire world.  he is PERFECT for me.  and for you.  and for our family.  


2. when your wife is crying and saying crazy things, just reach down and hug her.  even if she seems unhuggable.  i promise that it's the right thing to do.  


and most importantly,


3. sometimes your love for someone else won't be enough.  but God's love always is.  it is always sufficient.  and it's never silly to remind someone you love of that.  because we all forget.  


i love you two.  so does your creator.  He loves you just.the.way.you.are.


xoxo, mommy.

paying it forward.

yesterday i was pushing our cart out to the car from being in walmart.  pratt was riding.  i had max in the bjorn.  and i was pushing a ton of groceries.  i was tired.  imagine that.

i didn't notice, but a woman was behind us.  she actually pushed her buggy up right next to mine as i was unloading the cart into the back of the van.  she spoke and asked me if she could take my cart back to the stall for me.  i told her thank you so much, but that it was okay.  i would do it.  i didn't want her to have to wait on me.  she was done and i was just getting max buckled in.

i walked back around to get pratt out, and as i was carrying him to his seat, i saw her take my cart and wheel it all the way back to the stall.  pratt saw it too as both van doors were slid back.  he immediately looked up at me and smiled and said, "wook mom.  that lady is putting our buggy up.  that makes God so happy, doesn't it?"

after i thanked her several times, i got in the car.  tears filled my eyes.  i don't know why.

maybe because it was such a kind gesture.  unless you routinely carry two kids around, shopping, being patient, trying to be kind and not go all "walmart" on them in the walmarts...well, it's work.  and it's sometimes really exhausting.  and so for someone to come up and do something so nice, and not expect anything in return...it's so refreshing.

as we drove off, pratt and i talked about how it made us feel.  i wanted him to understand that not only does it make God happy...but it made her happy too.  and it made us happy also.  so it was a win-win-win.

we talked about "passing it on", "paying it forward", etc the entire way home.

later last night when he was getting in the shower, pratt grabbed my pajama pants that were on the floor along with his clothes.  i asked what he was doing.  and his reply was simple, "i'm putting your pants up too.  in the dirty clothes.  i'm paying it forward, mom. i'm making us all happy."

if he only knew how happy he makes me.  now if i could just be a good parent for him.  because some days it's so hard.  other days it's so easy.

i guess it all evens out in the wash.

at least...i hope so.

twick or tweat!

i've never been a big halloween person.  i don't like scary things.

and to say that i don't like masks is the understatement of the year.  i despise masks.  i abhor them.  i refuse to walk down the costume aisle at walmart or target because i don't want to see any of them hanging on their hooks looking at me.  watching me as i move.  knowing my innermost thoughts.

it's all paxton's fault.  he lived next door.  and one halloween he snuck over to scare us.

my parent's house has 21 windows on the front.  yes.  21.  that's a lot of windows.  21 windows for someone to watch me from.  and paxton just stood on the front porch looking in. most likely laughing...but i couldn't see it.  because the mask covered his entire face.  ugh ugh ugh.

i was about 6.  and it has ruined me for life.

anywho.  never been a big fan.  but after yesterday, i can tell, i'm soon gonna love it.

because this little guy did...




he was a giraffe for school trick or treating.  and his halloween party.  which he loved.  who doesn't love a good party!?




and then...then a cowboy.  the CUTEST cowboy in saline county, might i add.  and trust me, there are a TON of those.  but he really is the cutest. he loved trick or treating with friends.  max was a horse.  but he was napping at the time of this picture.  and we all know, you never wake a sleeping baby.  NEVER. EVER EVER EVER.




then last night after we got home, we put all our candy on the floor.  pratt chose 12 pieces he wanted to keep.  out of the 100 pieces he had.  seriously.  wayyyy too much.  and we put the rest of it in a bag for halle the halloween fairy.

have you heard of her?  we hadn't until yesterday.  miss laura told us that halle comes to her house to see her girls.  so katie told pratt the story.  apparently you chose a certain number of pieces of candy you want to keep.  pratt's number was 12.  then the rest of the candy is left for halle to take to little kids that weren't able to get a costume to trick or treat in.  or maybe didn't have a safe enough neighborhood.  so the candy is taken to them.  and they too, get to enjoy halloween.  and all the cavity bugs that come with it :)  we all know that we don't need ANY more cavity bugs around here.

all in all, it was a wonderful halloween.  with only a few scares from masks.  ha.