two things.

two things.

one.  when you tell pratt to go get shoes on for church, well....this happens.

and when your husband is from the dream hometown (ie: beebe, duh) and you know so many people from there....specifically clara fisher and brandon bates...well, this happens...

yes.  cody belew, folks.  and i didn't make a fool of myself.  i acted totally normal.  and like we were best friends.  and as it turns out, he actually does know clint.  even though it's much more fun teasing clint and acting like he doesn't.

and yes.  it was better than meeting john mayer.  because cody didn't disappoint.  and i know john would.

happy early new year.  xoxo.

my absence.

it's been so long since i've posted.

we've been busy with the holidays.  and parties.  and i've been busy with bootcamp three days a week at 5 am.  it's good for me...but forces me to go to bed around 9.  so that's where i've been.

and if i'm completely honest, i've really been struggling with my thoughts.  and my days.  and my prayers.

because of all that's happened.  mostly what happened in connecticut.

we were in eureka springs for my uncle's wedding.  i couldn't stop watching.  i knew it wasn't good for me.  but i wanted someone to come on and say it was a misunderstanding.  i will never understand violence.  but something about violence against babies....little children who do nothing but love and hug and smile....that....that is just too much for me.

my first thought was about pratt and max and my sister.  i immediately put myself in those parent's shoes.  and i immediately began to worry about my sister's safety.

my dad has always stressed the importance of this to me.  you know, putting yourself in someone else's shoes and walking around a bit.  it's a quote from atticus finch.

i do this well.  i do it with the dogs and cats i see out in the cold.  i do it with the homeless people i often see in little rock.  it doesn't take much for me.  i think i over do it.  i know i do.

the other morning on the way to school pratt asked...

"mom.  why is it that when i talk about something i love...or something that makes me really happy...my eyes water up and my nose burns."

it was all i could do not to pull over.  and hold him.  and tell him that that's how i spend 80% of my day.  with watery eyes and a burning nose.  i worry.  about everything.  all the things that i have no control over.  i worry about it all.

clint and i have had several late night conversations where i've begged him to explain certain things to me.  about God.  and prayer.  He understands the Bible much more than i do.  he knows it.  well.  i don't.  and so i often ask him what something means.  and how it's applicable to me.

he's good because, much like my daddy, he gives his interpretation but is always quick to note that others may see it differently.  that this is just his opinion.  his take on it.  whatever.

because he's one of the smartest people i know, i usually trust it.

i've been wondering about prayer a lot.  and while this may sound extremely juvenile to many of you...this is something i've really struggled with.

i believe in God.  but i believe in a sort of ant farm theory.  let me try to explain.  i think that He made us.  He created all this.  but i don't think He messes much with us.  i think we have free will and with that we do what we want.  i think He is fully and completely capable of doing something...exhibiting a miracle, etc.  but i don't think that's something He always does.

so i've struggled with prayer.  because i will often read where someone is praying that God do this or do that.  and i don't quite get that.  i think i can pray all day that He take the cancer away from someone...but i'm not convinced that he does that.  i think He could....i'm just confused on whether or not He does.  because if He does...then why does He only do it for some and not everyone?

when clint's grandmother died, the pastor made a comment about how she was such a Godly woman.  how she prayed for her husband every day while he was off to war.  and how "because of her prayers...her consistent prayers.  because she was such a prayer warrior", God answered her prayers and He sent loyd home from war safe.

it bothered clint at the time.  because what about all the other women and mothers who prayed for their husbands and sons.  all of a sudden their prayers weren't significant enough?  or maybe they weren't good enough Christians.

that's not the God i know.

and so this thought occurred to me the other night.  that maybe when we pray, it's doing two things.  one.  it allows us to feel close and feel connected to God.  because i yearn for a relationship with Him.  and prayer allows that.  it allows a relationship for me to have with him.  because what relationship works without communication?

and two.  when i pray for someone, i mostly pray that they feel the presence of God.  that they feel safe.  and loved.  and that they find contentment within their situation.  their troubles.  their time of need.

i've struggled explaining God to pratt.  he wants to see him.  and talk to him.  and so we have really had to fall back on telling him that we see Jesus when we do kind things for other people.  i keep going back to that.  because that's all i know.

i don't worry about my questions.  i'm not ashamed that i don't have the answers.  and i'm actually proud that i don't believe any one person has the answers.  because they don't.  i think that the only way to learn is to question.  and so i guess that's where i'm at.

okay.  i'll leave it here.  have a great sunday of rest.  xoxo.

the boys.

it's late.  and i need to be in the bed so that when my phone rings at 4:35 am, i can actually get up and get to yoga.

but there are so many things running through my head.

one.  pratt is really old.  i got his preschool pictures today.  and he's sitting there.  at an old desk.  with an apple on it.  and he's smiling.  and he looks so much like my dad.  and then there is the group picture.  he's opened his vest up and is smiling the biggest smile i've ever seen.

it's just too much for me to take.  because it makes me realize that life really does move too fast.  and that before long, i'll be sitting here with him in real school.  and max in preschool.  then i'll be 60.  and they will be having babies of their own.

i haven't updated much on the boys lately.

i'll start with max.

at eighteen months, he's finally walking.  like as in, he started yesterday.  he's been taking steps here and there.  but hasn't been in a hurry.  and is really so laid back and so chill that he could care less.  he's walking now and it's hysterical to watch.  we all still clap when he does it.  because it's finally happening.

he says dad.  and that's it.  i didn't even say dad at 18 months.  when i was 3, on my third birthday, there is a video of me.  i'm swinging.  and my parents ask me a question.  "hey hannah.  what are you holding?"

my response: "a a e".

as in "a baby".  einstein didn't talk until he was like old.  and my uncle ryp was like 5.  so max is cool.  totally cool.  i mean, he throws A LOT of fits.  because we don't understand his ET language...but whatever.

he hates the carseat.  bucks when i put him in it.  he loves food.  and straws.  sonic drinks through straws.  he loves pratt.  and dogs.  and cats.  and pretty much any animal he sees.  he flirts.  and laughs. and has dimples like his daddy.  he often gets behind me and rubs his chubby hands up and down on my back.  he sticks his bottom lip out when he thinks that he can manipulate the situation by acting upset.  when you start laughing, he does too.  he's scared of liza because she moves much faster than him.  she loves him.  and wants to rub on him.  one day he will learn to do what she says and they will get into lots and lots of trouble because of it.

he is so sweet. and loves to hug when he first wakes from his nap.  he rarely wakes happy though.  always hacked to be awake.  and sleeping must be his idea.  if it's not his idea, he will scream.  for hours.  with no end.

he's gonna be the musician.  i can just tell.  feel it.  i see it when a song comes on and he sways.  without anyone seeing it.  he's got that in him.  genetics.

oh, and he's a tough crowd.  doesn't smile for anyone.  you must be special.  it's been that way from day one.  but once you have him, you fully have him.  and he's loyal.

on to big brother.

pratt.  where to begin?

he talks nonstop.  asking questions nonstop.  about everyone.  he loves to rhyme.  he loves to play boardgames.  he loves to go to the dollar tree.

he's probably the smartest person i know.

honestly.  like for real.  smarter than clint.  smarter than my daddy.  maybe as smart as ryp.  he has a memory that is unlike anything i have ever seen.  he NEVER forgets anything.  big or small.  he remembers.

when he asks questions it's not just to talk...it's so he can understand something more fully.  he can do lots of stuff that is impressive.  you know, the alphabet.  count numbers.  add numbers. subtract numbers.  rhyme.  do opposites.

but it's more than that.  it's this really deep, intelligent, quiet vibe i get from him.

he is incredibly sensitive.  when i discipline him, i must remember that.  because he can and will crumble if i don't do it the right way.  he is like talking to a 20 year old.  maybe a  33 year old.  yes.  i'm serious.

he loves to roll coins.  and find old toys at my parents house.  he loves to be outside.  and go on nature walks.  he loves to hear stories about me and clint from when we were little.  he loves his grandparents and great grandparents more than they could possibly know.  not a day goes by that he doesn't mention one of them and say that he misses them.

i can't imagine my life without these two guys.  i don't know what i did before them.  i realize that everything that happened to me prior to them....it was all so that i could be their mommy.  all so that i knew answers to tough questions that pratt would ask.  so that i could name every tree in the forest.  so that we could talk about the difference between monkeys and gorillas.

i love them.  and i love my simple life with them.  i am blessed beyond measure.

dear boys.

dear boys.

tomorrow a new president will be chosen.  not really by me.  because our vote doesn't really count.  well, it does.  but not really.  i can't explain it.  ask your dad.  or pop pop.  they will both be able to explain it.  this HISTORY minor can't explain it.

i don't want to get into political parties here.  because that's just too confusing for you little guys.

i'll just say this.  first things first: be kind.

and being kind goes for everyone.  even if they don't feel the same way you do about healthcare reform or social security or welfare.

the world is full of people who look different.  act different.  talk different.  and behave differently than me and you and daddy.

it's what makes it such a great place.  it should be appreciated.  so let's do just that.

and let's agree that we will pray for whomever wins tomorrow night.

i'll also agree to delete anyone who puts up anything ignorant or racist in the days to come.  because we have no place, no room for any of that mess.

i love you both.

ps. you are never allowed to enter the world of politics.  either one of you.

xoxo,
mom.

stitches.

so last night pratt was playing with some truck he has when he sliced his hand open.  it started bleeding.  he ran PAST his father...through a room, a hallway and through another room to find me.  and tell me that he needed help.  i'll never understand it.

i put him up on the sink and rinsed it off.  i asked him to stay there, with the water running on his hand while i went and found the neosporin and bandaids downstairs.

as i was hurrying back through the hallway, max, who was in pratt's room, spotted me and took off crawling to hide from me.  he does this a lot.  about the time i got the gate open to go downstairs i heard max hit the floor.  hardwood floor.  because we have NOT A STITCH OF CARPET IN THIS ENTIRE HOUSE.  BUT I'M NOT ANGRY ABOUT THAT OR ANYTHING.

so i run back into pratt's room and scoop him up.  immediately noticing the blood all over his chin.

he sliced it pretty good.  about an inch wide.  and it was just sitting there.  gaping open.  like someone had sliced him with a knife.  it was bad, y'all.  bad.

luckily, clint is totally unfazed by this.  and so he was calm and cool and collected.  and applied pressure.  but a bandaid on it.  and said it would be fine.

and then he jumped in the shower.  you know, because unlike me, (crazy me) his life doesn't stop when something happens to his child.

mine, however...my life comes to a screeching halt.  like, i was actually thinking, "i'm gonna need to call my mom and tell her not to keep them this weekend.  because i cannot leave him with a life threatening injury so that i can go watch the razorbacks lose to tulsa."

meanwhile pratt has locked himself in his room because he "cannot take it."  after getting a bandaid on his hand he informed me, "don't worry about me! i'll be fine.  but i cannot take seeing max's chin.  i just can't do it."

so i sat on the bed and watched that bandaid.  and as soon as i saw the smallest bit of blood under it, i took it off and began to obsess over what i would do.  because i knew deep in my belly that a bandaid wasn't gonna cover it.

to keep this post from being 7 pages long, i'll just skip to the part when our pediatrician texted me back and told me to bring him to her house.  because the ER would be a long wait.  and she had dermabond that she could use.

so i did.  he was perfect.  never cried.  never flinched.  nothing.

i get back home around 830.  i'm taking my pants off when i realize that MY JEANS ARE UNZIPPED and i had gone over to her house in front of her and her husband with them TOTALLY WIDE OPEN.  killer.  story of my life.

so fast forward to this morning.  he is crawling on my bathroom floor waiting on me to get ready when BAM! he slips again and bangs that dang thing wide open.  wide open.  blood oozes out again.

clint is already gone to work.  and pratt hears it, and immediately jumps off my bed and run into his room.  locks the door.  screams, "i'm in here.  don't worry about me.  when it stops bweeding, call me.  i'll come out!"

i have no help.  i get it semi-stopped and realize i have to get pratt to preschool before 9.

i call dr. merrick and she tells me they are overbooked but she's putting me down for 830.  and just to come as fast as i can.  but that i should drop pratt off somewhere because "he's not gonna want to see this".  awesome.  that's sounds like rainbows and skittles.

so picture this.  me holding max...attemping to keep him from pulling the bandaid off....with ONE hand. the other hand is dressing pratt in his superman costume.  then helping brush his teeth and comb his hair.

i get pratt dropped off with erika (praise the Lord for good friends) and take max.

after dr. merrick pulled all the glue off and cleaned it off, she put in 5 stitches.

listen.  there is a reason i quit med school.  the smell of iodine mixed with blood kills me.  i felt my knees go weak.  and max kept reaching for me.  like he wanted me to hold his hand and look at him.  so i did.  because that's what moms do.  i watched that hooked needle go through his baby skin 10 times and almost fainted/cried/threw up each time.

he's sleeping now.  dr. merrick and her nurse were awesome.  i have no idea how i will ever repay her.

so it's only 1008 and already it's been a long morning.  but it could be worse.  we could be in new york city with no power.

Tuesday.

me and max had such a good date today.

we have about 2.5 hours to kill while Pratt is at school. And while I'm tempted to come home and do laundry or clean or whatever else needs to be done, I try to do something fun with him. I took Pratt to the library all the time when he was this age. And I don't want to treat this little guy any differently. It's not his fault his momma is tired.

He loves the computers, the puzzles, the fish tank and the toy cars. And he loves to pull all the books off the shelves and sit.































We went to park today too. He threw the biggest fit when we had to leave. I had forgotten that phase where you attempt to reason with a child that cannot talk. I finally distracted him with a puppy dog. He screamed for a solid 3 minutes. Painful.







And then we voted. He was a total fan.




We are so blessed with such easy days. Our lives are so simple. So easy. So carefree.


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eighteen.

i'm 18 days in.

and i've decided that unless it benefits someone besides myself, it's probably not worth doing.

pretty big statement, i know.

and now that i've put it out there...into the universe of sorts, i can't really take it back.  so i'm stuck here now.  realizing this.  trying so hard to wrap my mind around what this means for me.

it means that when i'm standing in tuesday morning and i see something that was in pottery barn catalogue but is much cheaper, unless it benefit someone besides myself, it's probably not worth purchasing.  

it goes for clothes.  and really pretty much anything that isn't a necessity.  ugh.  i hate to even type that out.  because now it's there.  and now i have to attempt to follow it.  and i have this crazy, irrational fear that it means i won't be cool.  and my house won't be all decorated for christmas and thanksgiving.  and that my clothes will be simple and my closet with be bare.

sure. i know all things in moderation.  but i think america's idea of "moderation" is way off.  for instance, jen claims that the majority of the world's population lives on 2 dollars a day.  we (clint and i) figure we live on something like 200 a day.  and we don't spend a lot of money.

see.  look what i just did.

we don't spend a lot of money.

bullcrap.  we spend too much money.  we spend money on things we don't need.  like the 15 dollars i spent at target yesterday.  it's all just too much.

and i have to do something about it.  or pratt and max will grow up and grow into the idea of excess.  and overspending.

i'm tired of eating my 7 foods.  i'm tired of chicken and sweet potatoes.  i've pretty much done all there is to do with it.  i made homemade cinnamon rolls for a few friends and pratt's preschool teachers this morning and i swear i cried when i drizzled the icing over the warm rolls.  big crocodile tears.

and as i wiped my face i realized how ridiculous i was.

there are babies all over the world REALLY, REALLY hungry.  and here i am crying because i'm eating the same foods over and over again.

so i guess in closing, i do feel closer to Jesus at this point.  i do feel like some of the crap in my life has really been in the way until now.  like i've been so focused on doing things to impress other people...and really because i've been searching for happiness.  and now i'm starting to see that happiness isn't found in those things.  i've always known it.  but i've never REALLY known it.  like i've never felt it in my bones.

i'm feeling it in my bones now.  or maybe in my shaky hands.  because i'm nervous.  i know that this is just the beginning.  and there is so much more to learn.  and i'm scared.  because i feel like i've asked Him to change my heart.  to make it better.  and more clear.  and more like His.  and i'm thinking He's gonna take me up on it.

here we go.  yiiiiiiiiikes.

two.

two things.

one.  pratt went today with clint to a small community that our sunday school class assists throughout the year.  they have a little church and community center and several times a year, we take food to them and serve them lunch.

thursday he took 3 of his own dollars to the dollar store.  he bought a new stuffed kitty cat.  (he loves stuffed animals) and a snow globe and a package of 50 spider rings.

so.  this morning, i encouraged him to take some of his rings to the kids that would be at lunch.  i was thinking of the community kids...not really kids from our sunday school class.  but that works too. we talked about how we could just walk in the dollar store and get stuff.  and how they might not be able to do that.  and so how nice it was that we would give them some of our rings.

after a bit of a discussion, he agreed.  he set back 10 rings for himself.  and took about 38 to the kids.

when he got home, he told me that he was so sad because there were only 10 kids there.  and he had so many rings left over.  and he had "really wanted to give them all away".  i'm not sure if that was honest...but it made me feel good.  made me proud of him.  because it's not always easy giving stuff we love away.

also.  one of the kids there taught him a nasty word.  "butt".  as in my behind.  and the best part is that it was a kid from our church that used the word.  awesome.  i'm sure one day pratt will teach some younger kid a word much worse....

two. the family walked down to the river today.  max loves the water.  we already knew pratt did.  we rolled max's pants up and sat him on a rock.  he splashed and splashed.  just loved it.  we have to do that more often.  i cannot wait until clint can take them both fishing down there.

i'm so blessed.

Thursday.

coffee talk. over pancakes. and yeah, Pratt no longer makes normal faces. it's all downhill from here, folks.




he's too old. acting like he's reading the time. way too old.




And finally, my favorite. Max walking towards his big brothers arms.




Being a momma is the best job. Ever. (don't ask me tomorrow. You could get a different response ;)

date day.

Last week Pratt and I had a date. It was probably the first time in months that it's just been me and him.

He got to choose where we went. He chose the pumpkin patch, the library and lunch with daddy.
















But of course, we were really happy to pick brother up at 2. Life isn't complete without all three of my boys.



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family.

pratt's version of our family.

Pratt. Mom. Max. Daddy.



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desserts.

sometimes I see a picture and realize that he's way too old. he's so kind and helpful. so sweet. so grown.




i love him more than I love desserts.

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family farm.

our first preschool trip. family farm. one magical place.


















































We LOVE jolly time preschool!

straw.

Pratt and I were reading a book tonight in bed. He stopped me to explain a few things he had learned in school.

The first was the "pine" as he called it. He was trying to say "spine".

He said, "oh, momma. What is it? It's, it's...it's like straw. Something sounds like straw."

Finally I realized he was thinking of pine straw. Then he said, "yes. Pine. That middle part is the pine."

His mind is crazy. He must get this from clint. I'm not this smart.

He never forgets anything. He told me about the cover page. And where the authors name is. And how the year the book was printed is on the back of the first, title page. It's all crazy town.

Smart little guy.


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behind.

I'm so incredibly behind on here.

At almost 17 months, max is standing and walking like 5 to 6 steps on his own. Crazy town. How is he this old??!!











My superhero may save the world in his spare time, but he will always lurve his momma's bed.




He is gonna make some girl so happy one day.




Pratt's idea of "picking everything up in the living room".




Yes. It happened.




Max. And his adorable self.




Max. At seventeen months.




Pratt. Same tub. At 22 months.




I'm so blessed.