my absence.

it's been so long since i've posted.

we've been busy with the holidays.  and parties.  and i've been busy with bootcamp three days a week at 5 am.  it's good for me...but forces me to go to bed around 9.  so that's where i've been.

and if i'm completely honest, i've really been struggling with my thoughts.  and my days.  and my prayers.

because of all that's happened.  mostly what happened in connecticut.

we were in eureka springs for my uncle's wedding.  i couldn't stop watching.  i knew it wasn't good for me.  but i wanted someone to come on and say it was a misunderstanding.  i will never understand violence.  but something about violence against babies....little children who do nothing but love and hug and smile....that....that is just too much for me.

my first thought was about pratt and max and my sister.  i immediately put myself in those parent's shoes.  and i immediately began to worry about my sister's safety.

my dad has always stressed the importance of this to me.  you know, putting yourself in someone else's shoes and walking around a bit.  it's a quote from atticus finch.

i do this well.  i do it with the dogs and cats i see out in the cold.  i do it with the homeless people i often see in little rock.  it doesn't take much for me.  i think i over do it.  i know i do.

the other morning on the way to school pratt asked...

"mom.  why is it that when i talk about something i love...or something that makes me really happy...my eyes water up and my nose burns."

it was all i could do not to pull over.  and hold him.  and tell him that that's how i spend 80% of my day.  with watery eyes and a burning nose.  i worry.  about everything.  all the things that i have no control over.  i worry about it all.

clint and i have had several late night conversations where i've begged him to explain certain things to me.  about God.  and prayer.  He understands the Bible much more than i do.  he knows it.  well.  i don't.  and so i often ask him what something means.  and how it's applicable to me.

he's good because, much like my daddy, he gives his interpretation but is always quick to note that others may see it differently.  that this is just his opinion.  his take on it.  whatever.

because he's one of the smartest people i know, i usually trust it.

i've been wondering about prayer a lot.  and while this may sound extremely juvenile to many of you...this is something i've really struggled with.

i believe in God.  but i believe in a sort of ant farm theory.  let me try to explain.  i think that He made us.  He created all this.  but i don't think He messes much with us.  i think we have free will and with that we do what we want.  i think He is fully and completely capable of doing something...exhibiting a miracle, etc.  but i don't think that's something He always does.

so i've struggled with prayer.  because i will often read where someone is praying that God do this or do that.  and i don't quite get that.  i think i can pray all day that He take the cancer away from someone...but i'm not convinced that he does that.  i think He could....i'm just confused on whether or not He does.  because if He does...then why does He only do it for some and not everyone?

when clint's grandmother died, the pastor made a comment about how she was such a Godly woman.  how she prayed for her husband every day while he was off to war.  and how "because of her prayers...her consistent prayers.  because she was such a prayer warrior", God answered her prayers and He sent loyd home from war safe.

it bothered clint at the time.  because what about all the other women and mothers who prayed for their husbands and sons.  all of a sudden their prayers weren't significant enough?  or maybe they weren't good enough Christians.

that's not the God i know.

and so this thought occurred to me the other night.  that maybe when we pray, it's doing two things.  one.  it allows us to feel close and feel connected to God.  because i yearn for a relationship with Him.  and prayer allows that.  it allows a relationship for me to have with him.  because what relationship works without communication?

and two.  when i pray for someone, i mostly pray that they feel the presence of God.  that they feel safe.  and loved.  and that they find contentment within their situation.  their troubles.  their time of need.

i've struggled explaining God to pratt.  he wants to see him.  and talk to him.  and so we have really had to fall back on telling him that we see Jesus when we do kind things for other people.  i keep going back to that.  because that's all i know.

i don't worry about my questions.  i'm not ashamed that i don't have the answers.  and i'm actually proud that i don't believe any one person has the answers.  because they don't.  i think that the only way to learn is to question.  and so i guess that's where i'm at.

okay.  i'll leave it here.  have a great sunday of rest.  xoxo.