clutter, clutter everywhere.

i'm nostalgic. don't know why. maybe because it's the end of the year. maybe because so much has been going on around me. good, bad and ugly. like dr. knight's freshman lecture on sex in zoology. yes, it really was titled that.

anyway...i have been thinking. maybe it was my friend emily frosts' post. about being home. and being so comfortable there. being around those that love her.

or maybe it was talking to my friend emily merryman. and trying to make sense of something i don't understand. trying to find words. trying to make things better over the phone...millions of miles away. when i know that it would have been better to just sit on her couch and eat peanut butter from the jar. and laugh. maybe listen to matchbox twenty. or john mayer. or anything. just be there together. because there is something magical about being near those you love.

i was looking at pratt today during his nap. our nap, i guess. he looks so different when he's sleeping. i saw his life flash before my eyes. i saw him grown. i saw him married. all of it.

and suddenly, i remembered what my dad always said. you know...about how i wasn't supposed to have a date with a boy until he was dead. i wonder how pratt would feel about that. because if he has a family...i will totally be that old mom in "love you forever" that gets in her old car, drives across town, goes in her son's house, gets him out of bed...and rocks and sings. i will. i really will.

i was on my way back from walgreens tonight when i saw a little boy. and his grandmother, i assume. our town has a wonderful downtown. the square. i love it. anyway, a local church there has a nativity scene out. and the little boy was standing there...arms behind his back....looking at everything. and his grandmother was sort of standing to the side. almost explaining everything to him. i wondered what she was saying. i wondered what he was thinking. i would have stopped but then i would have been "that crazy woman who got out of her car crying".

i don't know what is wrong with me. maybe that this year is about to be over. maybe it's that one day all too soon, i'll be the one with pratt...standing in front of a nativity scene...explaining things to him. he'll be that grown up...that fast.

he woke last night at 10. i layed down with him and he fell fast asleep. he woke at 1. i got out of the bed, got him...and brought him to our bed. by the time i layed down, he was fast asleep. how can you blame him? i love love love sleeping close to clint. there are few things better than falling asleep on him. close enough to smell him. why would a little bitty baby not want the same thing. i'm sure i'll regret this later. but oh well. life is too short. they are only little for such a small period of time.

i'm struggling with why bad things happen to good people. i'm trying to understand why we get sick. and why some people are hit with things twice. or three times. i'm trying to constantly remember that our days are short. there is a saying...something about how life is lived in moments...not days.

so true. moments. like today during our nap. his little heart shaped face. i felt like i was looking at myself.

i had to give nana pratt's social security number today. the digits are weird. by weird, i mean they are unlike mine or clints. i mean, i knew they would be...but still. as i read them off, i wondered how many times he would read them off.

i love being home with him. i feel like i should write clint and thank you note everyday for letting me do it. we got a wonderful cd from emily and juju and vaughn. it's new orleans music.

number 2 is my fave. i'm not sure where i've heard it before. maybe from my summers with aunt betty and frank and nick in new orleans. it goes,

i went on down to the audobon zoo,
and they all asked for you
they all asked for you
yes, they even inquired about you.

but when he sings "asked", it's more like "axed". i love it. i dance around and sing and make silly faces. pratt laughs. i think he thinks i'm funny. the other day he was in his swing and i turned around and stuck my rear out at him. and shook it. i think i was singing beyonce. anyway, when i turned around to look at him, he started laughing. completely made my day. hilarious.

how is this year already over? we found out we were pregnant in january. he arrived in september. i was in a fog until the end of november...and now it's the end. what? where did it go?

our fence is up. for ace and yoda. there are so many wild animals out here. they would have gotten hit by a car...or yoda would have been eaten. she has no claws. the fence is up and it looks great. smells great. like wood. but something about it makes me miss mama kitty. she was our cat that died several years ago. i think she lived to 19 or something like that. yes. really. 19 people years. her biblical name would have been something like methuselah kitty.

okay. i'm going to fold clothes. clint is watching razorback basketball. pratt is asleep. napping.

sorry for how random this is. i have so much on my mind.

happy eve of new years eve!