quality time.

a while back i read somewhere (or maybe heard somewhere) that kids don't remember everything from their childhood.

but what they do remember is how much time their parents spent with them.  parents, loved ones, caregivers, etc.

i haven't seen the data on this, but there is no doubt in my mind that it is very, very true.

i don't remember many of the gifts i received on my birthday, christmas, easter...but i so clearly remember being (really being) with my parents.

i remember playing golf with my dad.  or going to the racetrack.  i remember sitting at our kitchen table and cooking with my mother.  i remember listening to my mother read superfudge and the giving tree.

it's those things that take time.  that don't just happen because you put a book in front of a child.  or send them on their way to play outside alone.  no.  it's the mentally exhausting things.  those that drain you good.

yesterday pratt went to the doctor with me.  he was perfect the entire time.  honestly, he was.  i'd be the first to tell you if something went wrong.

but the constant worry sometimes gets the best of me.  i'm sitting there on the table...waiting.  and all i can think about is how good he's being.  and how at any minute he could hop up, quit eating his peanuts and head for that long, skinny light they use during an exam.  you know the one.  with the bendy neck.  i just kept thinking, what if when dr. s. has the doppler out, pratt gets up and heads for that lamp.  and grabs it.  what will i do!?

of course, it never happened.  but by the time we left the office, i was completely exhausted.

i know that i put this pressure on myself.  (and indirectly, on my child...i know, i know.)

how did my parents do it?  i have to believe that at times, they were stressed out.  but they never let me know.  i'm pretty sure pratt knows i'm stressed.

i've noticed more and more, him coming up to me and asking me something.  then ordering me to "stay there" and having me do said activity with him.  like, he crawled up in my lap the other day.  i was on the computer.  and he told me he wanted to watch mickey mouse on youtube.  so i got it started.  i was about to take him off my lap and put him on the chair when he looked up at me and said, "no momma.  you stay here and watch this with me.  k? k."

i never want him or this baby to think that i don't have time for them.  because i do.  i always, always, always do.  i just need to be reminded of it sometimes.

because i get it in my head, that other things are important too.  like a clean home.  and clean clothes.  and a cooked, good, balanced meal.  and i worry that i'm neglecting these things.

it's then i can hear that voice in my head.  that voice that says, "hannah, be still.  sit and play and do puzzles.  and dance.  and laugh.  everything else will come together in due time."


so boys, if you're reading this...please know that i love you both.  and that i'm so far from perfect.  and that i will make a million mistakes in my lifetime.  but i have every good intention regarding you two.

one day i pray that you will both understand just how hard being a parent is.