totally and completely.

today we went to the zoo.  i (illegally, i know) packed up a bag of goodies because i planned on eating with clint for lunch at 1.  but thought we could have snacks while we were there.  i forgot water.  of course, i did.  allie saved the day with her capri suns.  thanks again, allie :)

i was sitting at the table, feeding max applesauce when it struck me.  with pratt, i couldn't have done it.  i remember trying to meet allison and several others at the pizza place for lunch.  pratt was probably max's age.  and i was on my way when pratt started crying.  we were minutes from home.  and i still had 30 minutes to go.  i cried the entire way to maumelle.  on two separate occasions i pulled over and called allison.  crying.  telling her that i couldn't make it.

because pratt was crying.  and i was emotional.  and i just wanted to be home.  alone.

times...they are a'changing.  for so many reasons.

the second is so much easier than the first with those kinda things.  you're more relaxed.  you realize that the world won't end with a crying baby (thank you colic).  you realize that your first child MUST get out of the house because you've told him that you will go to the zoo first thing in the morning.

maybe i shouldn't say "you're more relaxed".  maybe it's just me.  i was so uptight with pratt.  so worried.  i had NO idea how to raise a child.  i still don't.  but i realize now that you can make LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS of mistakes and days still go by...and the child will still grow up...and will actually even be a pretty good (great, awesome, fantastic) kid.

for all these reasons, i wish i could move to my sisters house when liza kate arrives.  because i want her to know so many things.  i've thought about these things at night when i'm rocking max to sleep.  like...

i will never, ever, ever mind eating second or last or hours later so that i can hold her.  so that spencer can have a full, warm meal.  and use a knife and fork to eat.  and not worry about dropping pieces of food on her head.  i want spencer to understand this.  like, fully understand and grasp this.  because i never did.  i always feel guilty for someone holding max while i try to eat.  so spencer, if you're reading this...do not feel guilty for me to hold her while you eat. i'm begging you.

i want to come over and hold her so that spencer can take a shower.  and get dressed.  and do her hair.  and not worry about time.  not be so rushed that she doesn't put lotion on her legs.

i want so many things for her.  and i worry that if i don't give them to her, who will?  i'm in the arena, as teddy roosevelt would say.  i'm there.  i know this place well.

and while it's been a difficult three years, i wouldn't change anything.  because i honestly believe that i'm a better mom because of it.  at least, i hope i am.  i still fail.  i still fail quite often.  and i know what it's like to feel lonely...yet be surrounded by so many.

as one of my best friends says, "i'm so lonely, yet never alone."

so spencer, know that my prayer for you this entire pregnancy has been that you don't experience post partum.  and that you don't know what it's like to be so sad that you really do just want to run away.  i have prayed for clear skin, no back fat, and happiness like only sunshine and skittles can bring.

but just in case it ever starts to suck, i'm here.  and i love you.  and it does get better.  and stop listening to what i say about not having two kids.

it's worth it.

totally and completely worth it.