my little baby.

i love making max's baby food.

like, i've often wondered how much trouble i'd get in for making it in my kitchen and selling it to people.  i know, i know.  big trouble.  but i almost love it that much.

i've already made a list of things to buy for liza kate.  and baby ain't even here yet.

anywho.

so far, i've made edamame.  butternut squash.  carrots.  cauliflower.  broccoli.  green peas.  applesauce.  squash.  sometimes i open the door to the freezer and look in on them.  and smile.  and i'm proud.

maybe i'm overcompensating for HATING nursing.  and only doing it for what...like 2 weeks?  3?  i can't remember.  i just remember crying every single time.  and then when i would stop crying i'd get a message from some weirdo freak that wanted to tell me how horrible i was for not loving every second.

yes.  i'm serious.  like, more than 3.  crazies.

anyway.  back to the food.  i love making it.  and pratt can help.  and max sits in his pretty pink bumbo and just looks on drooling.

but i'm having some problems.  my bananas are never right.  i can't get it the right consistency.  do you have suggestions?  have you had this problem?  what am i doing wrong?

max is good.  he loves the food.  and he takes around 24 to 30 ounces of soy formula every day.  with a fruit in the morning.  and a veggie at lunch.  and both mixed at dinner.

he's in a size 4 diaper.  and 12 month clothes.  he wore a shirt today that was 18 months.  and it might have been a little big.  but not by much.  and it hasn't been washed yet.  so it's probably gonna be perfect once it's washed.

he sits up supported.  but not on his own.

i told clint last night that he's like my own little secret.  no one really knows how great he is.  i think everyone is still afraid he might start screaming at any minute.

but he won't.  at least, he's not going to for me.  he really knows me.  and i love that.  i can catch his eye from across the room and he just beams at me.  it's the stuff dreams are made of.  i love him so much.  and as much as possible, he loves me too.

i'm at that place when i've (almost) forgotten how hard those first few months were.  last night as i was rocking him, i started crying thinking about how unhappy i was.  life was so hard.  a see saw of sorts.  because i knew i was blessed.  he was healthy.  and we were all fine.  but i was at a very dark place.  and i felt guilty for being there.

yet, i had ZERO control over being there.  i couldn't get myself out.  it just took time.  i'm finally out and it feels so good.

but max, he's wonderful.  perfect.  sweet and lovely.  and all things good.  and we are at a place where i feel i can talk him down.  and that's a really, really good place.