normal.

so i haven't really updated since i started taking my medicine.  i feel like i need to.  just on the off chance that one person sees it, and goes and asks for help.

let me start by saying that i'm still me.

wait.  i'm not "still" me.

but i am FINALLY me.

i still cry when something sad happens.  i still laugh and (almost) pee my pants when something funny happens.

but the bad days...the bad days seem fewer and further between.  the afternoons don't seem to drag on quite so bad. i'm not crying in the shower.  i'm not wishing for someone else's life.  i'm not begging God to take me home.  yes.  i was there.  there were days when i just wanted to be anywhere but here.

i know.  that's a big statement.  but it's true.  i'm ashamed of it.  because i feel like my life is so damn easy.  and that  someone with cancer should be the one to say that.  someone who is really fighting their demons.  someone who is really dealing with something heavy.

but that's part of this whole thing. i have the right to be that person.  i can own that.  and so i do.  i do own that.  for whatever reason, it's been a struggle to see my many blessings lately.

i was to the point where i dreaded the 2 to 6 pm shift.  because it felt like it dragged on.  and like it took forever for clint to come home.

max is trying to drop his morning nap...so he's taking a nap around 1.  from 1 to 3.  and i'm dealing with the 3 to 6 shift okay now.

i'm not worried about being alone.  i'm not worried about crying.  or about what we will do for that many hours.  i've found myself really soaking up the time with them.  really watching them.  and appreciating how much they have both changed recently.

if max doesn't nap, i don't freak out.  i don't slam doors.  and get upset with him.  i've found myself walking in his room and smiling at him.  and saying, "okay.  not today, huh?  alright.  let's figure out something else."

that is NOT me.  i get mad.  i get upset.  i want things to go how i think they should.

i'm learning to go with the flow.  i'm learning to accept that i cannot change everything.

my friend carrie gave me a bracelet for my birthday that says, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change."

it's perfect.  and i've worn it everyday.  and i read every time i look at it.  and i pray that prayer.  and i think it seems to be working.

i'm not cured.  i'll deal with this sadness forever, i'm sure.  but i feel lighter.  i feel better.  i feel happier. i feel more normal.

isn't that what we all want?  just to feel normal.

that's all i want.