it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

my friend tanna is having her little girl today. right now, actually. she's at the hospital as i type this.

i was checking her blog to see if brylee had been born yet, when i came across her post titled "the night before".

as i read it, i remembered what i was feeling only 2 shorts months ago.

when i remember the day he was born, i remember a lot of things...

i remember sitting in hospital room, laying in the bed, feeling like i shouldn't have put on a gown. i remember feeling like i might be crying wolf...and i hated that i had ruined the gown and the sheets for nothing. of course, once the nurse checked me, she realized that i was 5 cm dilated and 90% effaced...and well, then i was thankful that i was there.

i remember feeling so ready to meet him. so ready to see his face. smell him. hold his tiny, perfect hands.

i remember sitting there with my mom and dad, waiting on spencer to arrive. i remember her just walking through the door, coming in and saying, "heyyyy!". dad asked her how she got back there and she said she just walked back. of course she did. of course she just snuck back, not scared of anyone or anything.

i remember meredith telling me to hold off on the pushing...that she'd be there in 2 hours.

i remember seeing nancy for the first time. she was so excited. and grandma and grandpa. i had grandpa's birthday present. i had actually remembered to pack it up in our bags on the way to the hospital. just in case we had the baby and they were there. i wanted him to have his chocolates. he loves chocolate.

but mostly, i remember clint. i remember him coming downstairs early that morning. looking at me, asking me what was wrong. i think i snapped at him. told him that i was having contractions. that that's what's wrong. i remember him driving to the hospital. he was driving so freaking slow. like 30 mph on the interstate. this isn't uncommon. he's a total old person when it comes to driving...but he was "searching for the right music for the drive". that's what he told me. i almost punched him in the face. not really...but you can imagine having horrible contractions and your husband worrying about what music is playing.

i remember EXACTLY what he had on. his little rock marathon t-shirt and scrub pants. because he didn't really think that we'd have a baby that day. i think he thought that i was faking it.

i remember him seeing pratt for the first time. i remember the way he looked at me after pratt was delivered. he smiled.

i can close my eyes and see it.

it's the same smile he had the night he asked me to marry him.

my life the past 2 months has been full of ups and downs. big ups...and big downs.

to be completely honest, there have been times when i've wanted to walk away. wanted to scream that no one understands how much i'm hurting. wanted to be selfish.

but through it all, i have never for a second stopped loving clint. and i have never for a second doubted his love for me.

and now i understand what someone told me a while back. when i was pregnant...which really feels years ago.

they said something about how this will be the most difficult and most rewarding thing i will ever do. i think it was savannah who said it.

it makes sense now. it has been, hands down, the most difficult...yet most rewarding, and wonderful two months, one week and five days of my life.

and i know that it will only get better. how very, very exciting...