i’m not sure.
but for whatever reason, i’m feeling so much better now.
i feel different. i feel like i've had the blinders taken off. like maybe i see more now. like i can finally see that life is lived in moments. not days. it's gone by so fast lately. every single day pratt looks different. something changes.
he finds his feet. he giggles. he laughs until he looses his breath. he sticks out his bottom lip to pout. all of these things happen so quickly.
the night before thanksgiving, i was rocking him to sleep. he was all swaddled up. he had pushed his pacifier out of his mouth and was just staring at me. i was smiling at him, and he just grinned at me. closed his eyes and grinned.
i began crying. tears were falling all over his face. and he just kept on smiling.
as i sat there holding him, i felt guilty. guilty that for the past 11 weeks, i've had such a hard time. such a hard time adjusting to all this. it seems so easy for so many moms...yet, it was so very, very hard for me.
i feel like i've missed out on something.
but i know that there is nothing i can do. just look to the future. and next time...if there ever is a next time, i'll know when this depression creeps up on me. and i'll be ready.
i've been meaning to get pictures of pratt on his baby einstein mat. he loves it. there is a shining star at the top of it, and he loves to lay and look at it. it blinks different colors and plays music.
he constantly moves his arms around. clint says he's like a band director.
here he is with his flatopotamus from the popes.
anyway, i'm feeling so much better now. i just needed it documented. because it's been a very long and very hard couple of months for me. i think i was running on adrenaline the first week he was born and in the nicu. and then things slowed down. clint was opening a new practice, working at a medicaid clinic in a town 1.5 hours away. we had moved into a new house, in a new neighborhood. didn't know anyone here.
i'm getting back to my old self. the hannah that doesn't care what the books say. the hannah that goes on what her gut tells her.
welcome back, hannah. i've missed you.
6 comments:
i am so proud for you sweetie! I love how honest and open you are- i need a lesson. i am thankful for you guys!!
You know, most mothers don't feel that sweet relief so soon, so good for you! I'm telling you, the first three months are really hard! They really really are, but it seems you have such a happy baby, so it's nice that you can be happy with him!
OMG Vaughn loves the star too!! It works every time...his little friend, Mr. Star.
Pratt found his feet so soon! He is gifted!
It made me happy to read this post. Love you girl, you are a good mom :)
it's the hormones...I remember it being a week after thanksgiving (jackson was born oct 1st) and thanking God that I finally felt better! Up until then I just had no idea what was wrong with me, why I wasn't the sunshine and roses you "see" everyone else being. You've been there all along - you just had big fat stupid hormones clouding it... I felt the same way you did so just know you are/were definitely not alone.
It was almost exactly 3 months to the day for me too...I'm gonna have to "get over it" quicker this time- so glad to know you will be in my life to help me through! Love you!
so strange. it took me 6 months to come out of it. i'm still kind of trying to come out. i guess it's because i started with someone a little older.
i feel like i'm in one of those giant canopy beds like they have in africa - with the mosquito netting, and i'm kind of pushing back the layers piece by piece. it's still a little hazy, but i can just about make out the features of my beautiful life now.
i am proud of you. and i'm thankful for you. and you're amazing.
i love you.
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