unfinished business

i''ve never been a fan of endings. when my friend summer left ouachita, i didn't even say goodbye. because it seemed so final. and i don't like finality. not too long ago, when whitney moved to california, i was unable to say anything to her. i just walked out. made it all the way to my car before i broke down.

i'm notorious for getting to the last few chapters of a book and then just putting the book down. it's become that way with movies too. last night we were watching no country for old men, and it was when the bad guy had just had a wreck. he payed the kid for his shirt and walked away. then you see the sheriff back at the diner with his wife talking. i got bored with the monologue (i know it was important...but i already knew what he was talking about. he was finishing up with what he said at the beginning of the movie) so i started to get up. clint asked me where i was going and i told him i was done. that i was going to bed. he told me that it wasn't over. and i said that for me...it was.

we recently watched gone baby gone. which if you haven't seen it, you must. it's wonderful. one of the best movies i've seen in a long, long time. which is evidenced by the fact that i actually sat through the whole thing never once looking for the time. clint told me that had i walked away from it, i would missed the best part. true...but there was no threat of walking away with that movie. i was so wrapped up in what was happening, that i didn't see the end coming. it's like that cliche, time flies with you're having fun.

so it got me thinking...why do i do this? why do i avoid endings? maybe it's because typically they're no good. they're not fun. they're filled with tears or heartache. and so maybe this is my coping mechanism.

in my short 28 years, i've had lots of bad endings. seen lots of illness. lots of people dying too soon.

and i guess i no longer believe that there is always a happy ending. and so i'm not going to wait around and be disappointed. i'd rather make up an ending on my own. i'd rather just walk away, and imagine what happened. sometimes i don't think i'm strong enough for the real end. for the real way everything will turn out. it's like, when i'm driving. if i see off in the distance, something that looks like an animal that has been hit...i just block my line of sight with my hand. and i pass right by. because it's best that i don't look over there. i'm helpless in the situation...and it's best that i don't have a breakdown.

this can't be healthy though. because this makes me think that i'm never really dealing with anything...instead, i'm just avoiding it. skipping it.

or maybe i'm looking too deep. maybe this is because i don't have the attention span to finish. the attention span to watch the entire movie. to finish the entire book. but if this is the case...why am i able to finish certain books and certain movies and certain papers?

the good news. there is one thing i'm going to finish...this baby. because i refuse to live the rest of my life having to urinate four times nightly. i wake clint every single time i get up. not on purpose...but because of the grunting and the movement that it takes to hoist myself out of the bed.