thirty two weeks pg.

somehow i'm 32 weeks pregnant this week.

that's 8 times 4.  or you can look at it like 3 plus 2 is 5.  which is really great.  because 3 is my favorite number.  and 5 is just awesome in itself.  anyway, i digress.  i have only 8 weeks left.  8.

and while i'm ready to meet max, i'm as nervous as a ten tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

but my nervousness has changed.  when i was here with pratt...at this point with pratt, i was worried (not enough.  ignorance is bliss :) about things like nursing and if i'd know what to do.  would i be sufficient for him?  good enough?

i'm not worried about those things now.  i realize now that we are always sufficient for our babes.  and that we are made good enough because of their presence.  because of their complete lack of self sufficiency.

and when he arrived...once he was about 2 weeks old, i worried about ever having another adult conversation.  about ever going to the grocery store again.  about ever traveling without ten million bags and entire cases of diapers and formula.  i worried i'd forever have to buy those disposable diaper changing mats so that i could lay that child out in any/all restaurant bathrooms to change a poop diaper.

none of that seems to worry me now.  i guess because i know that stage will pass by so quickly.  and i'm okay with that.  i'm not the greatest at little bitty babies.  i crave interaction.  and giggles.  and coos.  i used to beg God to give pratt a voice.  because i wanted conversation.  and as so many other times in my life, God gave me what i asked for....AND MORE.  because now pratt never stops.  and i'm okay with that.  because i remember the tears of desperation at night.  when he was tiny.  wishing i knew that i was doing good.  wishing i knew that we were gonna be okay.  because i swear there were MANY times i didn't know if that would be the case.

my worries now revolve around my sweet little man who is here with me now.  this is a kid who has never, ever, ever shared attention.  EVER.  he doesn't want to share attention.  it should really be all about him.  it's not a mean spirited personality trait.  just one of a two and a half year old toddler.

and more proof that we are not born able to put God first, others second...and ourselves third.  no.  not at all.  that's hard work.  and not yet learned when you're just a little kid.

and so i worry about how he will take this new child.  i feel like i should put signs up all around the house like, "this too shall pass" and "siblings are a gift from God".  things to remind me of why i wanted a sibling for pratt.  i know one day he will be thankful.  i honestly can't imagine my life without spencer.

i'm worried about finding that exact balance of spending extra pratt time...but not overdoing it.  not feeling guilty for bringing another baby here.  and in feeling guilty, doing things for him that i wouldn't/shouldn't otherwise do.  overdoing it.

because let me say, pratt needs it.  he needs to learn to share attention.  and his toys.  and his old room.  etc, etc.  but he is only two and a half.  and so it will take time.

there is one thing i'm excited about.  and that is that while i'm stuck here, in the house, in the first few weeks of the baby's arrival, i will have a friend.  that friend being pratt.  because we do have lots of adult conversations.  they may not be about the newest home trends...or the coolest new way to tie a scarf, but they are conversations, nonetheless.  and i love them.  and so i am excited that i won't feel so isolated.  (i've officially lost it, haven't i!?  i'm really excited about visiting with my toddler.  that's what we call "find the good in every freaking situation".  period.  the end.  i'm nuts.  but seriously, he really is like a 15 year old sometimes.)

every morning when he wakes, he says, "is baby max here yet, momma?" like maybe he's gonna miss him coming out of my belly button.  because, you know, that IS how all babies get out, right!?

and every morning i tell him that i promise he will know when max arrives.  he will be a part of the process.

of course, i know all this worry is futile.  because i never worry about the right stuff.  which leads me to prayer.  lots and lots of prayer.  the throwing-my-hands-in-the-air-prayer...in the middle of kroger.  begging God to give me patience.  and the normal kind.  the prayer that goes on in my head all day long.  me begging for Him to grant me wisdom.  and patience.  and kindness.  and love.

because i'm about to be a mom of two little boys.

and if there is one thing i want them to remember about me...and our house...it's that they were loved.

loved...oh, so much.

and because i don't think that gives you the true sense of what's going on....here's another one.

sometimes i just stand in the mirror wondering if maybe he's gonna fall off of me.  he hasn't dropped yet. but still seems so low.  idk.  crazy town.  for sure.

happy tuesday!