pop pop.

last night we met my dad for dinner. he drove over and met us at our favorite japanese sushi/steakhouse.

earlier in the day, i had driven down and mom and i had gone shopping for small table for the nursery. we found the perfect one. a small pedestal table, in a light blue. kind of a robin's egg blue. that was distressed. it really was perfect. and of course, mom bought it for me. because isn't that what moms do? they whip out their wallets before you even have time to reach for your purse. so thank you mom. i love it. i think it will be perfect once everything has it's own place.

clint and pratt had gone to the river to skip rocks. and then went to eat at sonic. i called on my way back to tell clint i was on my way home when i realized i had woken him. they both got much needed naps while i got a much needed shopping trip with mom.

all this to say that pratt needed a shower and change of clothes before going to meet dad for dinner.

i've said to clint on numerous occasions that when dressing pratt, i always pray for a nanny. because making that child put on clothes is one of the most difficult things i do all day. and that's saying a lot. because these days, i'm urinating so many times a day, that i swear i'm starting to smell like a nursing home. and making sure i don't smell like that is tough. it's an all day project.

anyway, pratt hates getting dressed. but yesterday wasn't really a problem because all i had to say was, "we're putting clothes on to have dinner with pop pop."

done. he was obedient. it's like magic.

dinner was unremarkable. clint and dad visited about basketball and horse racing. i told him about mom shushing some kids in a restaurant at lunch time (because if you know her, this is totally appropriate for her. while we are on the subject, these kids were so incredibly loud. way too loud for a restaurant. and the mother sat one table away just visiting with her parents. not having a care in the world. every other person in the place kept staring at these kids. wondering when she was going to turn around and tell them to keep it down. she never did. so cue my mother...)

dinner was great. pratt behaved really well. when we got up to leave, pratt wanted to show dad his new kitty cat. so dad hoped in the front with clint while i got in the back with pratt. he was so proud to show cupcake off. he just smiled and smiled while dad went on and on about how real she looked.


we had just pulled up to dad's car in the adjacent lot, when it hit pratt that he was leaving. and not going with us home.

it's hard to describe what happened next.

i saw pratt's bottom lip protrude...and immediately started telling him that we would see dad next weekend. we'd even spend the night if he'd like. dad was getting out of the front seat to come around and hug and kiss him. and it went from bad to worse.

pratt started crying, sobbing. it wasn't a mean spirited cry. not throwing a fit. just a complete and total broken heart.

as my dad opened the door to kiss him, i saw he had a pink highlighter in his hand. by this time my eyes were filled with tears. i couldn't control them. and i looked up at clint to see if he was as helpless as i was, and sure enough, his big brown eyes were filled too.

and needless to say, my dad's were too.

so there we were. four people, in a parking lot, crying like someone was going overseas for 2 years.

pratt grasped the highlighter and at first, almost couldn't bring himself to hug my dad. these gigantic crocodile tears kept rolling down his face.

he didn't stop crying until we pulled out of the parking lot and convinced him that we would go to the bookstore and he could play with choo choos.

i got a text from dad that said, "oh my god. i can't take it."

pratt has gotten upset before. he hasn't really ever liked to leave my dad. but nothing like this.

i kept saying to clint, "i just don't know what it is. it's like he would leave us to go with him any day. at any time."

this wouldn't have been strange, but recently separation anxiety has been alive and well with pratt.

as we were walking in hastings, clint said, "it has to make your dad feel good that pratt loves him that much."

maybe. maybe a small part of that is true. but i know that it kills my father. i know that he worried the entire way back home about it. i know that when he thinks of pratt in the morning, he will wonder if he's okay.

i woke at 3 am. it's now 4 am. and for a while i just lay in bed thinking about what happened between the four of us. mainly, i kept thinking about pratt. and what a gentle little soul he is.

i can't help but wonder how my child already knows my dad. how he already knows how much to love him. and how he already knows how much pop pop loves pratt.

and of course, because i'm the most depressing person in the world, i can't help but think about a day when my parents aren't around.

a good friend recently lost her father. quickly. one day he was here, enjoying his anniversary with his wife, and days later, he had a massive heartattack. she told me just the other day that her daughter was having a hard time with everything. that she missed her grandfather and that it hurt too much to talk about it.

my eyes filled up with tears when she told me that. and that's all i could think about as we pulled away from my dad last night. i've always said that when something happens to my mom and dad, that i'll go too. because i won't be able to handle it. but having a child puts a kink in the things. how in the world do you handle the grief when you have a child watching you? how do you ever begin to mourn...when you're so worried about your baby. about your baby hurting. and missing their grandparent?

i'm officially depressed. and officially can't breath and can't see the computer screen....

i've always known that my parents loved me and spencer more than anything in the world. when i became a parent, i realized it even more. to a different extent. on a different level.

and somehow, they love my child as much as they love their own children. they never get tired of the stories. of me calling them telling them something he has said or done. they will forever be his biggest fans.

so pratt, if you are reading this, you are so loved. by so many. your daddy and i are blessed to have family who love you as much as we do. one day when you're grown, you'll realize what this means. and how it has sculpted your life and made you who you are at this point.

have wonderful sundays. i'm gonna have my first cup of coffee right now. at 4:08 am. wonder if the newspaper is here. maybe i'll clip my coupons early. maybe i'll find a loose antidepressant that i could take. because i can't stop crying. (kidding. i won't even take tylenol.)

being pregnant is hard. being an emotional basketcase plus being knocked up is even more difficult. poor clint...