a few things.

i drove a bit today by myself, so i had time to think. and i remembered a few things that i needed to jot down.

one. today pratt brushed his teeth and then he brushed elmo's teeth. not because i prompted him. i never did. it was all him. i thought it was great. he said, "brush elmos teeth." and then he did it. i love him.

two. the other night, dad picked him up to carry him inside. as he did, pratt stared at him for a really long time. we both laughed at him. it was like he wanted to make sure dad was who he thought it was. dad asked him, "it's me pratt. is that okay?". and pratt answered yes. it was. and dad said, "good. if it's ever not okay, don't tell me. never let me know. because it will kill me." i love him too. so much.

three. i wonder if i will ever stop worrying about pratt. about his well being. i can't remember who said it to me, but someone told me that once you have a child, your heart is forever outside your body. and you no longer control it. and i didn't know this emotion, until now. everytime pratt goes away from me, with clint...or anyone else, i worry.

i can't help but think of all i have to lose. and i worry. i'm overwhelmed with worry. i'm trying to figure out if this is normal. or if maybe i'm overly anxious. it's possible that i am. because i'm a pratt. and that's our genetic nature. to be overly anything. anxious. depressed. happy. whatever. just pick an emotion. and i've been on that roller coaster.

today, i figured out why being a parent is so hard. it's because it takes so much of me. all of me. and that's my choice. it doesn't have to. but it's like with anything else, anything worth doing, is worth doing right. right, dad?

and so i feel so much pressure on me. on my shoulders. at times, i literally can feel it. the weight of it all. and when pratt leaves me, to go with someone else, for a moment, that weight is gone.

but as quickly as it's gone, it seeps back in again. only it's in a different shell. it looks different, feels different. i worry about how i can't control things around him. how i can't manipulate the situation and stop something from happening. how it's all out of my hands....

i can't imagine him being 18 and going to college. i'll have to move with him. i wonder if it will be okay with him for me to drive him back and forth. each and every single time he goes. and i don't care where we are going. i'll drive it.

in sunday school, we were asked to think of one word that symbolizes being a parent. clint said, "consuming".

exactly. that's exactly right.

i'm consumed. and while sometimes it weighs on me, i wouldn't have it any other way.

have wonderful (short) weeks!

oh, this is so bad of me. but it's so good of him. he had just woken up from a nap. and he wanted to sit with me. nothing is better than knowing he has asked for me. absolutely nothing.