string of thoughts.

pratt isn't here tonight. he's with his nana. which means i can't sleep.

i don't know why not. it's like something is missing. and i need to stay up until it gets back to normal. so weird, i know.

when i was little, i couldn't spend the night away from home. well, i could stay at kristin's. but that was it. just her house. no one elses. i could tolerate bunking parties until the sleeping bags started being pulled out. and then i was done. i was got that sick feeling in my tummy. that worry. that sweaty palm feeling. and then i was on the phone with my mother. telling her i was ready. and a few minutes later, she and dad would pull up to get me. both of them in their jammies. me, standing there..with my pillow and sleeping bag.

and you'd think i'd be ashamed. nope.

more just relief that they were there. that they had come to my rescue.

it's the "homesick" feeling. the same feeling i had in july of 1997. when i was at the university of alabama. because, well...you know, that's where i was going to go to college.

didn't know a soul. met a girl from a nearby town...and rode with her to tuscaloosa.

i might have been there 8 hours when i realized there no way in the world that i could stay there for a few days...much less for an entire four years of college.

and so, what did i do?

called my parents. and my dad was in his car...driving 9 hours to pick me up.

and there i was. on the curve. with my bags. waiting.

that's how i feel tonight. a little homesick. i know pratt is having a great time, but i really feel like a piece of myself is gone. maybe that's what happens when you become a mom. if so, i should have been a better daughter to my own mother. :)

clint and i had a wonderful date night tonight (thank you nana). japanese food. a movie. shopping for pratt a birthday present. we bought him the cutest little leather chair. it's like a fancy chair. for an adult. only it's mini...for a kid. it's so cute.

i finished a book today called, "happens every day". i read it in less than 24 hours. at first i thought i was so into it because it was a library book. and there is something about that crackle of the clear paper on library books. but no, that wasn't it.

go get it. by isabel gillies. one of the best books i've read in a really, really long time. it's not research based like so many i'm reading. it's an "all too true story". about divorce. and falling out of love.

and it's made me reflect on my relationship with clint.

sometimes i take him for granted. sometimes i forget how easy he makes my life. and the book reminded me of how certain i am about him. how i don't ever doubt what he says. and how i need to be reminded to be thankful for him. to be thankful that our life is so drama free right now. i know that it can all change so quickly.

i hope that as pratt grows up, he sees us and can appreciate our relationship. i hope that when he grows up, he looks back on us, and says, "that's how i want my marriage to be."

clint kissed me the other day when he got home from work. he was holding pratt when he did it. and pratt watched him kiss me. it was a simple kiss. on my forehead. those are my favorites.

and after clint did it, i looked up and pratt was looking at me, smiling. almost like he got it. like he understood. i hope so. i hope he understands.

i need to go clean. but all i want to do is wash my feet and snuggle up in bed.

washing my feet. something i've done since college. my friend courtney used to do it. she'd wash her feet before getting into bed. it has always seemed reasonable to me. i mean, unless you shower at night...your feet probably are pretty dirty by the end of the day. i know mine are.

one more thing. i'm stuck on an old coldplay song. "fix you". oh man. the lyrics. i caught it on the radio the other day. and he says, "lights will guide you home. and ignite your bones. and i will try to fix you."

and well, those three simple lines hooked me. and i've been obsessed since. i've typed out the lyrics no less than 15 times already. turned it upside down, inside out. etc. and i wonder if i'll ever have an original thought. what must it be like to think of those lyrics. so powerful. i'm so jealous of those people.

how is it that i have such a love for music...yet i cannot play one single instrument well. and i can't read music. and i can't sing my way out of a bucket. how is that fair?

okay. i'm rambling. going to wash my feet.

night night.