it's 3 am, i must be lonely.

so it's 234 am. yes, am.

i can't sleep. i don't know what this is about.

since pratt has slept through the night...around 4 months. you know, the night he cried for 86 minutes...my body has just woken up around 2.

it's like clockwork. i get up, click the monitor, then go to his room. to look at him.

tonight, he looked extra big. extra grown up.

night before last, when we were in his room, he kept pointing to "love you forever". the book. if you're unfamiliar with this book, well, you shouldn't be. it's a great, great book. it's about a mom. and her baby. and how quickly he grows up. it starts out with her being young...and holding her little, swaddled baby. and with every turn of the page, he grows up just a little.

the page after he's an infant, he's supposed to be two years old. and he's sitting by the toilet. i think he's putting her stuff in the toilet. maybe her watch. the little boy looked like pratt to me.

anyway, when pratt was a little baby and i was trying so hard to establish routines with him, i would rock him and read to him. that book was always a go-to book. and i would be okay until the end of it, and then i would just cry my eyes out. around the last few pages.

well, sunday night when i read it to pratt, i cried at page 4. when she sneaks in the two year old's room...because i know pratt's not 2. but he's growing up. and he's no longer that little wrapped up, swaddled baby.

he will only let me hold him while he's eating. or tired. or hurt.

i cherish these moments. even the bumps and bruises. i walk extra slow to the freezer to get out "buddy the cow". he's a stuffed little cow that holds an ice pack for boo-boos. i always pull pratt up as close as i can get him to my face...and hold him tightly all the way there.

i know that before i realize it, he'll be in high school. and then college. and then he'll be married to some silly girl. and i just don't know that i will ever really be ready for that. heck, i'm not ready for his first birthday.

time has never seemed to pass this quickly.

when i was little, i just wanted to be big. i just wanted to fast forward to this.

and now...now i just want it to all slow down.

here he is. in a picture from sugar's wedding. this might be my favorite picture of him. he's playing peek a boo with kendall. he looks so big and grown up.

it hurts my heart.



okay. i'm going to try to go to sleep. maybe i'll get pratt up and put him in the bed with me and his daddy. yes...that sounds good.

night, night.