be still, and know i am God.

i'm not your normal or average ouachita baptist university graduate.

what do i mean by that?

well...i'm not baptist. and i before my freshman year there, i wouldn't have ever considered myself "religious". when i arrived, i was told by more than a few that i wasn't going to heaven. i hadn't been "dunked"...and supposedly, that's what it took to make it to heaven.

i had never stood with my hands in the air singing praise music. i had actually never accepted Jesus Christ into my heart. i prayed like garth brooks does in "unanswered prayers". you know, "and if He'd only grant me...this wish i wished back then, i'd never ask for anything again."

that was me. and that was the extent of my religious experience.

and then i got to ouachita.

outwardly, i don't think i changed all that much. i mean, looking at me, i'm not sure you would have known that anything was really different. i didn't have the ichthys on my car. my friend whit always says those shouldn't be put on cars...just in case you do end up flipping someone off. i always thought that was so funny.

my clothes didn't change. i didn't outwardly carry my bible around. i didn't lead any student ministries. in fact, i never felt "godly" enough to do that. never good enough. never clean enough. never forgiven enough.

but my heart was different. so, so different.

it was a slow process. i think it was because my friends. my girlfriends. my oc bailey girlfriends. they were mostly responsible for getting me there. for showing me the path. for helping me when i was too weak. for allowing me to lean on them. for them guiding me.

the final step...me accepting Jesus into my heart was because of a girl that i had never met. i had only heard her sing.

i consider her to be one of my best friends now. and she was right where i needed her this morning.

i went for a run. grabbed my ipod. because i hate running. but it's at least semi-tolerable with music.

as i got to the bottom of the hill...and started to climb the next one, the song came on.

i think i'm gonna walk away
you're messing up my life today
this time i refuse to pray
but still you keep calling me

that is EXACTLY how i felt this morning. EXACTLY. like i was too tired to pray. too tired to ask for help. too exhausted to be patient. i didn't want to pray. didn't want to see what He was telling me. didn't want to listen.

yet, i still felt His pull on me. in my ears. in my heart. all.over.

by the time the song was ending, i was at the end of the road. a dead end. the river was rushing in front of me. all muddy. and cold. and wet.

and i heard the words...

you win.

i've been trying to do this on my own.
but right now God, i surrender.

you know what's best.

it's not easy waiting on you.
it's not easy believing you've got this together.
but without faith
it's impossible to please you.

you got me.

had you seen me at this point, you would have thought i was a crazy person.

because it hit me like a ton of bricks.

i DO surrender. it's not easy waiting. it's not easy being patient. it's not easy letting You do this Your way...as opposed to me doing it my way.

i think i'm so used to getting things done around here...that i forget what God has blessed me with...

none of this is mine. it's His. all of it...all of it is His.

pratt is His. i'm just caring for him right now. while we're here.

and so i must wait on Him. i must believe He has it all together. He actually does know what's best. less of me...more of Him. less of my thoughts...more...so much more of His.

and that, my friends...that is heavy. and deep.

i'm going to go try to digest that.

i'm going to go and try to be still.

have wonderful tuesdays.