baby lila, part two.

a while back, i posted about baby lila.  she was born right around 25 weeks.  her mother, rebecca, went to college with me.  it hit home because we were only a couple of weeks apart.  and i can't even begin to fathom the emotions of going into labor and delivering a baby at this point in my pregnancy.

i commented to clint just the other day that God was working a miracle through lila and her mom.  some of the things that rebecca has blogged about have been incredible.  she has said some things that only the greatest, Godliest women could say.

today, lila went to be with her maker.  and when i got the news, i felt like someone had punched me in the stomach.  wind totally knocked out of me.

i began to sob as though rebecca lived next door.  or like lila was my own.  

maybe it's because hours before she had mentioned on facebook that she was stuck at home.  and that she wanted to be at the hospital with the baby.  i'm assuming because of the weather.  but idk.  and i remember that.  that feeling of not wanting to be gone.  i knew pratt was going to be fine.  he just had a simple infection, but still.  leaving him when he was just days old was so incredibly hard.  i remember one day walking out of his little room and collapsing onto my mother.  and begging her to make it better.

because isn't that what mothers do?  make everything better.  i remember her face.  and now, now that i have a 2 year old, i know what that must have done to her.  because i know the feeling of wanting to make everything better.  and being unable to do anything about it.

i remember sitting at our kitchen table.  eating dinner.  me, mom, dad and clint.  it was about day 4.  pratt wasn't home with us.  and i remember my dad saying grace.  and breaking down in the middle of it.  because we just wanted him here with us.  and he was in that cold nicu.  with all that beeping.  and all those cords.  and all those needles pricks on his hands and arms and scalp.

maybe i was so upset because it reminded me of my own loss.  it reminded me of the phone call from dr. s. when he said, "it's not what i wanted, hannah.  it's not what i wanted to see."  sitting on the front porch.  calling my mom and my sister.  and telling them.  seeing clint.  knowing that he didn't know what to say.  because do we ever really know what to say?  i've been through it, and i still don't know what to say.

life seems so unfair.  but i hold onto one thing.

and that is that i will see my baby again.  and rebecca will see lila.  and i will cling to that.  when life seems to spiral out of control.  and i think i can't take any more of it.  i'll remember that.  that my God is real.  He has to be.  He must be.  because this cannot be what life is all about...

pray for rebecca and scott and their family.