time, flying.

before i had pratt, time was measured in semesters. clothes. types of scarves that i wore. were they thin and airy or thick and made of wool. it seemed that my life was moving slowly. school kept dragging on and on. and i remember wondering how i would ever write a dissertation. how i would ever finish it. starting it, beginning to write...yes. i can do that. i can start anything. but finishing...that's a whole other subject.

and now, i'm not even measuring time. i don't have to. i don't want to.

but for whatever reason, it's moving faster now than ever.

time flies when you're having fun.

truer words have never been spoken.

pratt grows a little bit every.single.day. he belly laughs. like last night, i had to walk away from he and his dad to keep from wetting my pants. and yes, i really mean that. like, i had to do the whole chant of, "don't pee, hannah...don't pee". we were laughing so hard. he had woken up upset. and then when i brought him to our room, he just fell out laughing. he would look at his dad then me, then just belly laugh. without taking any breath.

so many emotions go through me. i want to hold pratt as tight as i can to my chest. i want to jam my nose right in his neck. i want to kiss him and have him come at me with his mouth wide open, drooling all over me. all over my clothes.

i want time to stop. i want to pause our life here. i want clint to stay just as he is. i could stand to lose a few pounds...tighten up some areas, maybe erase a few sunspots. but other than that, i want to pause me, too. all three of us.

i want pratt's feet to stay as small as they are. i want his wrists to stay all swollen and cute. and his feet to be puffy.

this is all happening way too fast. and i don't know what to do about it.

i read somewhere recently where a mom took a picture every single morning for a full year. maybe that would work. but pictures don't do it justice. pictures don't capture what my family means to me.

for such a long time, i yearned for sleep. "just sleep through the night". i kept asking him over and over again. now he does it. and i find myself thinking that maybe he's sleeping too much. maybe i'm missing out on something. maybe i should wake him so that i can spend an extra hour with him. after all...an hour a day extra...that's like 30 extra in a month.

last night we ate dinner at our favorite asian restaurant. sushi and fried rice. and it was still light outside, so we strolled down to target for some things. it was a beautiful night. the weather. the lights. all of it. pratt loves to ride in his stroller.

i wished we could have strolled all the way home. just the three of us.

for such a long time, i've wanted our lives to be right where they are.

and now, they're here. and i'm terrified that something will change.

terrified. it keeps me up at night. how is it possible that i'm so happy...so truly happy...and that happiness is somehow...making me a nervous wreck. miserable. waiting on something bad to happen.

i'm nuts.