can't sleep.

i can't sleep. which is strange. because there aren't too many things that i love more than sleeping. eating, is one of them. and manicures/pedicures. and target. and of course my family. but you know what i mean. at any time of the day, i'm willing to nap. but not on the couch or in a chair. always on my bed. not in it. on it. you only get in a bed at night.

anyway, i can't sleep.

clint is asleep. and has been since around 830. he's sick again. a cold. kool smiles will do that to you. being around 50 plus kids on fridays will make you sick on mondays. yuck.

i have a lot on my mind. let's see...

zoe. and her family. i can't quit thinking about them. and how unfair this all seems. i'm not good with illness. i'm not good with sick kids. i used to think i was. but i'm not. i see it and just collapse. i'm such a pansy. i keep thinking about her. wondering how she feels. wondering if she understands at all what she's fighting. wondering if she's as strong as i pray that she is.

pratt and his rash. i hate it. i hate that i know it's itching the fire out him. and i can't do anything about it. i wish that tomorrow morning when i get him out of his bed, it would be completely gone. i shouldn't have...but i googled "rashes-infants" tonight. and i've decided that it's rubella aka "german measles". i mean, i'm sure that if this were the case, the four doctors would have caught it...but i've pretty much convinced myself that it's rubella. i mean, after all...i did have a full year of medical school. that should account for something, right?

clint. and the office. he's now open monday through thursday. and will only work at kool smiles on friday. he's worried about how this will affect everything. he worries about providing for us. he probably always will. i wish that he was just a little more like me. not too much...because then we'd be living in a box down by the river. i wish i could take away all his worry.

the fifty things on my never-ending to do list. oh to scratch those off would feel sooo stinkin' good.

how fast pratt is growing. how when you look at him on the monitor, he looks like a toddler. not a baby. he's so long. why is he long? where did that come from? and why is he already in a size three diaper? and why does he roll over everytime i change his diaper? seriously. it's every.single.time. and how when you give him a bath now, he kicks the water constantly. how he loses his breath laughing in the backseat. in his carseat. alone. it makes you want to pull over and hop back there with him. just so he isn't laughing alone. how when you put him in his bumbo, he constantly leans over to whatever is next to him and picks it up.

how he loves his dad so much it hurts. as soon as he hears his voice, he begins to look around to try to find where clint is. i think it's clint's smile. and how gentle he is. calm. it's pretty relaxing. because i, on the other hand, well...i'm like a tornado. poor kid...

how i cannot for the life of me come up with a different lyric for one of my favorite jingles. it goes like this, "i had a little monkey. took him to the country. fed him on gingerbread. along came a choo-choo. knocked him coo-coo. now my monkey's dead." i just can't sing that last line to pratt. i have recently started singing, "now my monkey's in the bed"..but there is too much there. too many words. but i cannot come up with anything else that rhymes. i'm that bad with music. it's like during american idol, i constantly turn to clint and say, "is she good? does she sound good?"

how if i'm going to get in a swimsuit this summer i need to stop eating easter candy. and i need to stop buying reese peanut butter eggs. but i can't. because they are so good. so fresh. the chocolate has melted all over your hands before you can eat the entire egg.

i should just go to bed. so that i can get up in the morning before everyone else and do p90x.

okay, goodnight. sleep tight.