i'm having a hard time making sense of some things.
i've recently seen the "praying for stellan" icon. and i sat down last night and read through it. i can't begin to express what's going on with this little boy. i just ask that you pray for him. and as my friend bethany once said, "God knows his needs."
zoe has been sick. the round of chemo was hard on her little body and she's currently at ach. from what i understand the chemo did its job...and so now her counts are low...and her body is struggling with a fever of 104.
i've done something i never thought i would do.
i'm ashamed to write this...but feel i need some accountability.
i have become upset with God.
i have questioned what He's doing. with zoe. and stellan. and all the other sick babies out there. i know that this is a time when i should be strong in my faith. and be solid. and secure. but more than ever...i'm upset. i'm lost. and i don't understand the point in all this.
as my mother said yesterday on the phone...i would trade places with these kids in a heartbeat. no questions asked.
i'm angry. i'm upset. i'm broken.
i have had such an easy life. honestly, i know that. and i know that some would say that it's been too easy. maybe so. maybe i never fully appreciated everything i've been given. that's possible. but more than ever, i'm starting to understand why some people have just walked away. lost faith when they needed faith more than ever before.
and i don't want to be this way. i don't want to do this.
i'm terrified. i'm upset with myself. and i don't know what to do.
i have had a few times in my life when i've questioned God. when i've sat down and really screamed out to Him. when i've begged for him to change whatever has been going on with my life. but i never stopped believing.
i need to go back and read the shack. i know, and i will.
i'm just asking that you keep me in your thoughts and prayers. i know that you have a million other things to think about...and things much more important...but i just ask those of you who understand this...who know what i'm feeling...to say a quick prayer for me.
i'm so weak. i feel so weak. and i hate, more than anything...feeling weak.
i know that i'll be alright. and i know that i'll get back on track. i realize that questioning everything is normal. and from an early age, my dad has said over and over again that to defend what you believe, you must know a little about the other side. i couldn't agree more, dad.
but i'm done now. i'm done understanding the other side. i want to feel at peace. i need peace.
i need this all to come to a screeching halt...here's to that halt.
About Me
- hannah
- i'm a girl who likes to write. not a girl that's necessarily good at writing. it's cathartic, i think. and boy do i need that from time to time. i married a wonderful man named clint in may of 2007. he is everything i am not. he is calm. he makes plans. he is organized. his truck is always clean. his clothes are hung by types of shirt/color/size/etc. i'm full of nervous energy. i'm spur of the moment. i can't ever find what i'm looking for. we live in my car...pretty much. i'm lucky if my clothes are within ten feet of my closet. God gave us a precious angel of a baby in september of 2008. his name is pratt allen. he is 2.5 years old.we have another little one on the way. his name is max wesley. and he is due may 19th. somehow i'll be the mother of two boys. craaaaa.zy. i spend my days cleaning house. picking worms and caterpillars out of the flower beds. cooking meals. shopping at target. washing clothes. playing on the floor. reading books. doing puzzles. traveling to sonic. and the library. and blogging. i hope you enjoy our blog. feel free to leave a comment. hopefully it's a nice one. i tend to wear my heart on my sleeve.
8 comments:
my hannah. i pray for peace for you. not a callous that would cover up your pain so that you might forget it...or a band-aid that might fall off. just peace that might be stronger the pain.
i've come to realize that "this world has nothing for me." if the world were great and without regret, we would want to live here forever. but we're not supposed to. we're living through this muck, bringing glory to the One who created it. and one day, we'll be finished with it...and we'll inhabit the world that was truly meant for us.
love you.
emily, what i would give to have you here beside me. i need you more than i ever have before in my life. big statement...but oh, so true.
didn't life used to be so much easier? i mean, at one point back in 1997...our main concern was, "do you think it will smell like clinique happy in this room forever?" and "how long do you think the ceiling will leak? like...until kdj gets out of the tub?"
i love you. and i miss you. thank you for the prayers.
all I know is that this is not the legacy that they would have their pain and suffering leave you. My uncle was 40, diagnosed and died from cancer with in a 9 month time frame. He wanted nothing more than God's peace and glory to shine through him, to reveal just how real He is. Looking closely and the experience God is sharing with these families is hope. Atleast in the moment that you're reading it.
I pray you have a better day and know how much God loves you. All of us really. And that eternity will never be complete unless we are a part of it. That's love.
oh Hannah. I'm so glad you're brave enough to share your thoughts, because you know - you're never alone in them.
Sick children- it doesn't make sense. Its hard. And unfair and terrible.
I don't have any answers. none. But, I can tell you what helps me. I don't think God makes the illness happen, but I think that sometimes he uses these children to help others. Look at how many people hear about these stories, how many people are brought closer together - even look at how many people begin to question faith. I think that these kids have an impact on this world bigger than they know.
I think God wrote the zoe grafitti on the bridge as a way to let her know that he's there for them to lean on .
praying for you.
oh, and my dad used to say "doubters grow" I've thought about that phrase a lot. If you don't doubt or question you don't grow.
honestly, i avoid blogs (yours and others) about sick children. i have thought before that you are so sweet to share the burden with them and their parents. i am too selfish, because i don't want to know. because it makes me feel too sad. it makes me put myself in those parents' shoes, and it hurts too much. it makes me doubt God's sovereignty. gosh, at least you're trying. that's better and a more faith-filled act than ignoring it all like i and others do.
Its hard to see God's work or a reason when things like this occur, but you have to believe that God has his hands around that sweet child and that if for some reason he should take either one of them, we will see it, might not be right then, but we will see it. Have Faith Hannah..
not to beat a dead horse, but i had one other thought. a friend of mine shared this with me:
"If I knew everything God knows, I would want exactly what he allows."
there's alot there, but it gives me comfort to know there's a bigger picture. fyi - my mom's last radiation trtmnt was yesterday. yippee!
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