that kid.

welp.  he did it.

you know how you see a kid do something and you think, "oh sheet.  my kid will never do that."  and then you go on with, "if he ever does that, i will wear his little butt out." or whatever your own version is. that's usually my version.  


welp.  he did it.  


pratt.  he was that kid. 


let me preface for you.

we were gone to the bahamas for 5 nights.  and he hasn't had the sleep that he requires for good, public behavior.

and then there was the gas he received his morning.  which i have decided is straight from the devil.  because he has been so freaking sassy since 8 am.

so those two things combined...well, they don't help the situation.  but don't for a second believe that that's all of it.  nope.  it's not.  he's just 3.5 and well, to be honest, he's human.

so i pull up from a junior auxiliary exec meeting.  i have max.  pratt and clint had gone to b.nastics.

well, pratt is jumping on the trampoline.  and so i asked him to do something.  i really don't know what it was.  but he snaps back with, "NO!!!".  yells it.  total disrespect.

and let me tell you.  I AM SO FREAKING TIRED OF THE DISRESPECT.

it will be over my dead body that he will be disrespectful of other people.  like, this is my soapbox.  this will be what sends me to jail.  him being sassy and disrespectful.

i immediately tell him that he has had MULTIPLE warnings throughout the day about this subject of yelling no at me and speaking in a nasty, disrespectful tone.  when i tell him to get off the trampoline and come inside because he's now going to go to bed, he BIBLE: ZIPS UP THE TRAMPOLINE SO THAT I CAN'T GET IN THERE.

y'all.

are you dying!?  welllllll.  i'm like felicity huffman on housewives. i will jump in a swimming pool with a formal dress on to prove a point and teach that boy a lesson.

so i haul myself up that ladder.  and listen.  it's a tall ladder. i bet i skipped like 4 rungs.  i didn't even flinch. fight or flight, baby. and i reach under and unzip it.  and i grab him.  and i pretty much fling him off the trampoline.  i mean, not really.  but i wanted to.

as we are walking inside, he does numerous other things to 1. lose his stuffed monkey that he sleeps with and 2. lose his reading one book privilege we normally do.

like i didn't even wash his hands.  or his feet.  or anything.  i stripped him of his shorts.  and left him in those undies and t-shirt.  i didn't care.  i was fuming.

when we get to my bathroom, i've sort of calmed down.  he's sobbing.  and i said, "i'm extremely disappointed in your behavior.  being kind is the ONE thing i ask you to do daily.  and you have had a really, really hard time being kind today.  now go use the potty and we will then brush your teeth."

and here it comes.

he says, "i'm gonna pee on you."

um.  what.  uhhhhhhhhhh.  what.

like what?

several things ran through my mind.

1. he needs JESUS.
2. i'm gonna lose my sheet on him if his daddy doesn't get up here soon.
3. this child needs JESUS.
4. did he really just say what i think he said.
5. where did he hear this!?
6. maybe he has a weird fetish and i should be really concerned and i should take him into counseling immediately.  like right now.  screw bedtime.  he needs psychiatric help.
7.  JESUS, WHERE ARE YOU!?

i calmly looked at him.  right on his level.  and i said, "i have no idea why you just said that.  but i never.  ever, ever, ever, ever, ever want to hear anything like that again.  i am incredibly disappointed in you, pratt."

he sort of flopped around and then wouldn't open his mouth for me to brush his teeth.  so then he lost his b.  and well, it all went to hell in a handbasket after that.  at one point i really wanted to hold him down and pry his mouth open.  but i didn't.

it got ugly.

he's in bed now.  hopefully sleeping it off.

so.  i say all that to say this.  if you're having a hard day, you aren't alone.  and no one is perfect.  i get so freaking tired of reading about perfect kids.  welp.  guess what.  mine isn't perfect.  just like i'm not perfect.  i never will be.  neither will pratt.  or max.  wait. max might be.  he was baby jesus in the christmas play. sooooo, there's always that.

anywho.  say a prayer for pratt.  because if he ever mentions peeing on someone again, you might see me on the news.