it's 3 am, i must be lonely.

it's around 330. and i can't sleep. i've woken up several times throughout the night, but this time i couldn't will myself back to sleep. so i got up.

we got some bad news yesterday morning.

let me start at the beginning.

tuesday i had my first ultrasound. i was pretty excited about seeing the baby. clint didn't get to go with me, but i wasn't really bothered by it. i never dreamed something would be wrong.

as the picture came up on the screen, all the ultrasound tech saw was the gestational sac. no fetal pole. which, to my limited knowledge, is the baby.

she immediately made a comment about how she didn't see the fetal pole, but it was probably because i was just early. i probably had my dates wrong. my LMP probably really wasn't april 20th. no big deal, she said. we'd try it again in a few weeks.

as i waited in the waiting room to see the doctor, i heard her walk out and tell him.

dr. s, we have a first time OB patient who is here now. i saw a gestational sac, but no fetal pole. she's waiting on you. i just wanted to inform you before you saw her.

all the air left my body. i knew then and there that something was bad wrong. i knew with certainty when my LMP was. heck, i even knew the day i ovulated (well, within 24 hours) and i was pretty sure of the day i got pregnant. i had implantation bleeding too. so i knew there was something weird.

the nurse came in and asked me all these questions again. was there any way i could be wrong? or off a few days? or maybe i had forgotten?

no, no, no.

my wonderful doctor came in. talked to me. told me he saw this alot. thought i was early. like probably 5 weeks. and that he wanted to reschedule me for 2 weeks. do it all again. i asked him if i needed to worry. if i were your wife, what would you say to me?

he told me that he of course had no way of knowing, but that he was fairly certain i was fine. asked about pregnancy symptoms. i had a few. i had never been sick with pratt. not one time. and i hadn't been sick this time. i was sore in areas. tired. but that's about it.

well, hannah...there is one thing...

and i jumped on it. yes, yes, i want lab work. he laughed at me because i had googled it already. in the five minutes i had waited. i wanted my hcg levels. so he agreed. took me to the lab. waited with me.

i tried so hard not to cry. i didn't want to be that crazy girl that is alone and can't stop crying.

the plan was to give blood tuesday and then again 48 hours later. in that period of time, my hcg levels should double. at least.

yesterday, he called to tell me that they had not. they had gone from 9000 to 11000. and he didn't know why. he just knew it wasn't what he wanted to see. he said with numbers that high, he should have seen a fetal pole.

he asked if there had been any change. had i started bleeding? cramping? anything?

no, no, no.

i asked if i should expect it soon. he didn't know. maybe, maybe not. some people don't bleed.

he told me that he wanted me to keep my 2 week appointment. and we'd do another ultrasound to make sure there was no fetal pole evident, and then we'd go from there. he said when i came in, we'd try to figure out what went wrong. he'd review my lab results and go from there.

so that brings me to this moment. this moment when my heart is torn into pieces. when i just want to scream and yell and cry.

i can't admit this out loud. or to clint. or to anyone, i guess. but there is this small part of me that knows God works miracles. and that if he wants to save this baby, He certainly can.

but then there's the human side of me that gets science. that understands lab results. and numbers. and that side knows this has been a miscarriage.

and it's like there is this internal battle. i show no signs of miscarriage. well, no physical signs. but it's there. on her screen. no baby. no fetal pole. no little bitty bean.

i told pratt that i had a baby in my belly right after we found out. he didn't forget. he doesn't forget anything. and so yesterday, he pulled up his shirt and pointed at his belly and said, "baby!". then he wanted to pull mine up and tell me the same thing. "baby!". i let him. i didn't correct him. didn't fix it. didn't try to explain that there was no baby there.

sure, he wouldn't have understood, but it's more that i just couldn't bring myself to do it. couldn't bring myself to say it.

i never knew i could love someone so much. someone i never even met.

and last night, last night i figured out why this hurt so much.

it's because i didn't just see this baby as a baby. as a small, tiny baby.

i saw her like i see pratt. as a toddler. a one and a half year old sweet baby. one that gives the best, biggest and tightest hugs. one that kisses you right on the lips. a child that laughs. and sits with her dad to watch tv.

and so it's like i've lost pratt. or his sister. or brother. i lost this child. this teenager. this adult.

and that's why my heart breaks. because i have no control over this. and i can't do a damn thing about it. i just have to sit here. and wait to bleed. or to cramp. wait for this to be over. for me to stop hoping and praying and wishing that God would intervene.

my friend stacy said something that i keep repeating over and over and over again. and that is this.

that God created that baby. and He loved her so much that He couldn't stand to part with her. so He is keeping her with Him.

and so if this is true. if there's a heaven, then my sweet baby is dancing with joyce. and playing with mama kitty. and she's met my mimi and poppy. and granny and marvin. and clint's childhood friend scrap. and she's probably being rocked by mamaw fulks.

and as crazy as that sounds, i find comfort in that. would i rather have her here? yes. absolutely. but i'm selfish. and human.

if you've never been through this, and you're rolling your eyes at me. and thinking i'm overreacting, it's okay. because i've been there. i hurt for so many friends who went through this...but i never in a million years could have dreamed that it was this hard. this lonely.

as with anything, until you walk in those shoes, you have no room to judge.

so to all of you out there who know what i'm feeling, i'm sorry. i know now what this feels like. and i'm sorry i wasn't a better friend at the time...

please keep our small family in your prayers. i know that clint is hurting too. he lost a baby just like i did. and while he doesn't have to deal with the physical changes, his heart is breaking just like mine.