tomorrow.

tomorrow i go to the doctor. at 215. for an ultrasound and bloodwork.

but i don't need either. yesterday and today have proven what i was told 2 weeks ago.

this is a miscarriage. a blighted ovum, i think. at least, what google has told me.

i think my doctor is going to tell me that i can take the medicine to speed up the process of my body releasing everything....or i can wait. wait for it to do it on it's own. yet another reason i believe in God. because this body didn't just happen. i've had gross anatomy. i know what all has to happen for me to breathe. it didn't just happen with a bang. whatever.

anyway. i'm holding on to the fact that i don't think there was ever really a baby. that for whatever reason, be it a chromosomal abnormality, or whatever else...a baby never really formed. just a gestational sac.

for some reason that's easier for me. because as i see what's left, it's way too hard for me to think that that's my baby. that that's pratt's sister. or brother. or best friend.

and so i'm praying that that's what dr. s will tell me tomorrow.

let me stop and say that if you're in the central arkansas area, and you are looking for a new doctor, please message me for the name of mine. the man has checked on me twice since my last appointment two weeks ago. he left a message while we were in florida last week. asking how i was doing. and then he called last night around 6. just checking. my husband calls patients. when they've had anything surgical done. or root canal-ish. i don't know if he'd consider that surgical. anyway, i always thought it was so sweet of clint. to check on them. let them know he was thinking about them. it's not easy. it's taking time away from pratt and me. and dinner or running. and so i know what it means to have him call me.

i've just been walking around acting like a human being since i got back on saturday night. playing the part. but not feeling anything. nothing.

reality hit me sunday morning. and it wasn't pretty. i felt overwhelmed. and lonely.

while gone, i had really started to believe that i was okay. that they were wrong. and that this baby would be okay. but something about sunday changed that for me. sort of, sunday morning coming down. i don't know.

no matter where i am, how upset i am, i've always been able to see that there are always worse situations (thanks dad :). it could always be worse. i have said that a million times over the past two weeks. and to be honest, it's been more of a chant, than a real belief. i mean, i know it could be worse. but i think you'd have to lock me up somewhere if it really was.

and so tonight, when i saw sarah bussey's post about how it's almost been a year since she lost mamie, i realized that yes...it could always be worse.

she's having a first birthday party. and that makes total and complete sense to me. just like it makes sense to me that one of my dearest friends held on to the positive pregnancy test for months after her miscarriage.

i have a cotton ball. upstairs. in my bathroom drawer. with tape on it. it's from my first appointment. from lab work. and that night, when i was taking it off, i saved it. because in the back of my mind, i knew that if something was wrong...then i'd never have anything else to prove that at one time....at one time i WAS pregnant, damn it. that in january, i should have a tiny baby in my arms.

but i won't.

and so i'll hold on to the old cotton ball as long as i need to. maybe i'll throw it away when i feel like i've truly had some closure. maybe i won't. i don't know.

but it's like my friend allie said, you don't have a funeral. you don't have a memorial. you don't have anything. you lose something. you lose a child, and that's that. that's it. it's over just like that.

so sorry to be debbie downer. i know i'll be okay. it's just going to take some time. please keep me in your prayers.