so we have pictures in 1 hour and 30 minutes. approximately.
i've given myself five minutes to write. because i have a million things to do before sb gets here to do the pictures.
i'm in a funk. i almost cancelled these. i almost chickened out. but then decided that it wasn't fair to pratt...or really clint either that i cancel these because i can't handle looking in the mirror right now.
this may not make any sense to you. and i actually hope it doesn't. but i'm pretty sure that i'm not the only one who feels this way.
i hate mirrors. i try to avoid them. i don't wear makeup so that i don't have to get close to the mirror to put it on.
too close to the mirror means too depressed afterwards.
writing this hurts me. makes me feel ashamed of myself. for being small. small minded. silly, stupid really. but it's true.
i don't want to try to find something to wear. i don't want to try and try to do my hair only to do it the exact same way it's always done. i don't want to look at my skin and wish that it were darker. that my hair were either blonde or dark brown. not some weird, mousey in between color.
it's so stupid. and yet, i cannot get away from it.
maybe it's because it's well...you know, that time. or maybe it's because i need to be on medication.
or maybe it's what beth moore says. that it's so incredibly hard to live...to be...to exist in another woman's shadow.
amen. praise the lord. halleluah.
the saddest part is that i don't know who the woman is. it's just the imaginary character(s) that i have invented in my crazy, nutty head.
it's a mixture of people, i guess. people i know. people i don't know. people i see in walmart and wish i had some particular characteristic of them.
this probably sounds so crazy right now. if the shoe fits, right?
anyway, my five minutes is up. i'm off to clean the couch. and maybe...maybe i'll look in the mirror to get ready. or maybe, maybe i'll take pictures looking the way i always look.
at least that way pratt will recognize me when he gets older ;)
About Me
- hannah
- i'm a girl who likes to write. not a girl that's necessarily good at writing. it's cathartic, i think. and boy do i need that from time to time. i married a wonderful man named clint in may of 2007. he is everything i am not. he is calm. he makes plans. he is organized. his truck is always clean. his clothes are hung by types of shirt/color/size/etc. i'm full of nervous energy. i'm spur of the moment. i can't ever find what i'm looking for. we live in my car...pretty much. i'm lucky if my clothes are within ten feet of my closet. God gave us a precious angel of a baby in september of 2008. his name is pratt allen. he is 2.5 years old.we have another little one on the way. his name is max wesley. and he is due may 19th. somehow i'll be the mother of two boys. craaaaa.zy. i spend my days cleaning house. picking worms and caterpillars out of the flower beds. cooking meals. shopping at target. washing clothes. playing on the floor. reading books. doing puzzles. traveling to sonic. and the library. and blogging. i hope you enjoy our blog. feel free to leave a comment. hopefully it's a nice one. i tend to wear my heart on my sleeve.
12 comments:
The way you always look is so beautiful Hannah. You are so naturally pretty. I am so excited to see these pictures. You will love them too. The first pictures are amazing. You can't leave any behind...at least I couldn't. We bought them all (my family helped).
I think it's a mom thing. Well, a new mom thing. Something we all go through. I'm not sure why or what even causes it but we all have these moments or feelings. We get so busy taking care of someone else that we forget to take care of ourselves and then one day we realize we aren't the version of ourselves that we're used to or we'd like to be and we automatically think it's bad. It's not. Just different.
If it means anything - I think you're beautiful. I always have.
hannah, i TOTALLY know how you feel!! i hope it's a new mom thing and it will go away soon!! those pictures will be amazing-i can't wait to see them!!!
mirrors are the devil
Hannah, unfortunately I can completely relate to everything you're saying!! You are definitely not alone. Hang in there.
PS. If SB is who I think, those pictures are going to be a-mazing!!
Hannah, this will be long....
First of all, I've always noticed that some of the most beautiful women in the world have NO idea how breath taking they are. YOU!!!
Second,
Adrian surprised me with a big photo shoot...for me, and also for the entire family. He gave me an hours notice. I had thirty minutes to dig through DIRTY, WRINKLED CLOTHES and get ready. He came in with a glass of wine because I was in full oanic attack mode...MY POINT IS....I ended up throwing on whatever I could find, did my makeup without a mirror in the car...and it all turned out fine, because I didn't look like I had tried so hard.
Photos should reflect who you are, not what kind of eye shadow you are wearing.
You are a freak of nature with your no makeup wearing self!! You have crazy gorgeous eyes and a smile to die for. You also happen to have a perfect figure whether you are willing to believe that or not. MOST importantly, you are a beautiful and glowing MOTHER and WIFE. Your photos will speak for themselves. I can't wait to see them!!
I just noticed you were going private. I feel like I should too. Will you let me know what made you do this...did something happen? Of course I want to be on your list..
I think all too many of us can relate - I'm hoping it's a new mom thing too. It's hard. I have so many pictures of Abs, and so many pictures of her and other people, but I could probably count the number of pictures we have together on one hand. On one hand, I feel bad that she doesn't have more pictures of us together to look back on one day, and on the other hand, I hate, hate hate getting my picture taken right now. Even on days when I'm feeling pretty good - I'll look at a picture and realize that I really am huge and I get all depressed and want to delete every picture ever.
All that to say - you're definitely not alone, and while I know you won't believe it - you really are gorgeous. You're gorgeous in the best way - naturally. You don't need to hide behind makeup, you're stunning as is hannah. I'm sure the pictures will come out great - your whole family is too photogenic for their own good. Wished we lived closer.
Oh Hannah, for me "that time of the month" means feeling about 10 lbs heavier and just puffy. Also, this past "cycle" I was on the verge of tears for at least a week for NO reason. To compound that, you are having important pictures taken; pictures you know will be displayed EVERYWHERE. Rest assured NO ONE notices our own flaws but ourselves. I am in the same boat, but I am worrying 2 months in advance!! WEDDING!! Talk about FOREVER pictures, right? Your wedding pics are gorgeous and I know these will be as well. Go back and read some of your amazing blogs about how much you feel blessed by your amazing husband and dear, sweet baby boy. That will make you glow so much, no one will notice what you are wearing, if your mak-up looks good, and even if you even have hair, not to mention how it's fixed.
you are beautiful!!! i hope you share these pics with us! i bet they will be awesome!
oh and I can relate too...hope its a new mom thing too...
Emily Bowles said it all. Thanks Emily. If I knew how to respond to your blog I would have.
Ok first... do you seriously NOT wear make-up?? These pictures on here that you are in, no make-up?? WOW! I'm completely impressed! Second, this is very much a new mom thing! Go see Jessica, tell her you need a "new mom" update! Then get ahold of me and let's go get a mani and/or pedi! Or some other thing that is pampering (because it's someone else doing for you!) :)
Post a Comment