random thoughts.

i grew up never worrying about anything. i mean that.

i never, ever, ever knew if my parents were having trouble paying for things. it never occured to me that they might not make it to the next payday. i never worried about food. i never worried about having a place to sleep, a warm bath. clothes or shoes to wear to school.

instead, i worried about what clothes i would have. it hurts me to type this...but i can remember not wanting to be seen buying palmetto jeans. they were the jeans that had an upside down triangle. or maybe right side up. i don't remember. i just remember that it was the opposite of the guess jeans. my mom wasn't going to buy us the guess jeans. probably because she had already bought us several pair. and we didn't need to spend that much on some silly jeans. (now...let me say that currently, i do spend a silly amount of money on jeans. but that is because of what they do for my booty. seriously...there is a reason jeans are so expensive. it's because they can make your hinny look a.mazing.)

as i was thumbing through my "at home in arkansas" magazine today, and admiring the cool dining room furniture, the neat, new trendy wallpaper...and wishing i could make my house as pretty as tobi fairley made a house in the magazine, an oprah commercial came on. i know i'm not supposed to watch oprah. because she doesn't believe in god (or something like that...) but i think that some of her shows are worth watching. i think that she does bring attention to some important issues. and tomorrow is one of those shows.

it's on what is happening in our nation to families that have lost jobs...lost homes. lost what they owned. lost everything. and there was a little boy. sitting next to lisa ling. and she said, "your birthday is tomorrow. you'll be eleven. if you could have anything for your birthday, what would you ask for?"

and his response. "a cake with icing...and lots of love."

i would HATE to know what i asked for when i was eleven. i know...without calling my mother to ask...that it was way more than "a cake with icing and lots of love".

as humiliated as i am about the palmetto jean incident...i can say that i try sooo hard to not be that way now.

i know that my parents worked their butts off for me and spencer to have what we did. i was constantly reminded of what i had. constantly reminded that not everyone had what i had. and as a parent, i can totally appreciate what they did for us.

my mother and father allowed us to be children. innocent kids. kids who slept soundly at night not worrying about anything. well, nothing important.

i want this for pratt. i never want him to worry about where his next meal is coming from. i want him to be confident that he will always have a warm house and warm food. and a warm bath. with a fresh, warm towel right out of the dryer after the bath. (is there anything better...i don't think so.)

i hope that our family will always be able to provide these things. and let's say that we will. how do i teach pratt to appreciate these things? how do you teach that money doesn't grow on trees?

clint and i talked last night about having birthday parties in the future where kids brought gifts for donations. instead of gifts for pratt. we'd still give him gifts, of course. but how great would it be for him to want this. for him to request this!?

my parents stressed the importance of charity. the importance of giving. be that with service. or money. or time.

this was all random, i know. it's just that i keep hearing that the next ten years are going to be so hard. economically. with the recession. and i'm embarrassed that i'm reading silly magazines. and watching silly shows like top chef where they're making silly food and buying expensive wine.

i'm just bothered. bothered that i don't know what this world will look like in ten years. when pratt can really look around and see it.

bothered that i feel inept about changing it.

bothered that i'm bothered...