eighteen.

i'm 18 days in.

and i've decided that unless it benefits someone besides myself, it's probably not worth doing.

pretty big statement, i know.

and now that i've put it out there...into the universe of sorts, i can't really take it back.  so i'm stuck here now.  realizing this.  trying so hard to wrap my mind around what this means for me.

it means that when i'm standing in tuesday morning and i see something that was in pottery barn catalogue but is much cheaper, unless it benefit someone besides myself, it's probably not worth purchasing.  

it goes for clothes.  and really pretty much anything that isn't a necessity.  ugh.  i hate to even type that out.  because now it's there.  and now i have to attempt to follow it.  and i have this crazy, irrational fear that it means i won't be cool.  and my house won't be all decorated for christmas and thanksgiving.  and that my clothes will be simple and my closet with be bare.

sure. i know all things in moderation.  but i think america's idea of "moderation" is way off.  for instance, jen claims that the majority of the world's population lives on 2 dollars a day.  we (clint and i) figure we live on something like 200 a day.  and we don't spend a lot of money.

see.  look what i just did.

we don't spend a lot of money.

bullcrap.  we spend too much money.  we spend money on things we don't need.  like the 15 dollars i spent at target yesterday.  it's all just too much.

and i have to do something about it.  or pratt and max will grow up and grow into the idea of excess.  and overspending.

i'm tired of eating my 7 foods.  i'm tired of chicken and sweet potatoes.  i've pretty much done all there is to do with it.  i made homemade cinnamon rolls for a few friends and pratt's preschool teachers this morning and i swear i cried when i drizzled the icing over the warm rolls.  big crocodile tears.

and as i wiped my face i realized how ridiculous i was.

there are babies all over the world REALLY, REALLY hungry.  and here i am crying because i'm eating the same foods over and over again.

so i guess in closing, i do feel closer to Jesus at this point.  i do feel like some of the crap in my life has really been in the way until now.  like i've been so focused on doing things to impress other people...and really because i've been searching for happiness.  and now i'm starting to see that happiness isn't found in those things.  i've always known it.  but i've never REALLY known it.  like i've never felt it in my bones.

i'm feeling it in my bones now.  or maybe in my shaky hands.  because i'm nervous.  i know that this is just the beginning.  and there is so much more to learn.  and i'm scared.  because i feel like i've asked Him to change my heart.  to make it better.  and more clear.  and more like His.  and i'm thinking He's gonna take me up on it.

here we go.  yiiiiiiiiikes.