i still have it as a draft.
that was around 3. and well, that "something big" came last night.
clint got a call from his dad about his grandmother. mamaw fulks. mamaw has had several strokes over the past year. with each one, she's lost more and more ability. to do everything. talk. walk. eat. swallow.
you get the picture.
so from what i understand, the doctor has stopped helping her with food and water. they were using a thickening agent. and as of yesterday afternoon, they've stopped that. he gave her anywhere from 2 days to 2 weeks.
clint found out around 7 pm. he might have said 20 words from 7 until he went to sleep. and he slept a long time this morning.
the first time i met mamaw fulks, we were at her house. her and papaw's house. i could tell how much she loved clint. it was evident. it was written all over her. she glowed.
i could go on and on about what she meant to him, but i won't. i'll let him do that.
last night as he rocked in his chair, he said..."i feel like a little piece of me is dying with her." and he mentioned that pratt would never really know her.
i know what it's like to want pratt to know someone like you do. i know exactly what that means. i have so many stories about my parents. about how funny they are. about what they mean to me. but more than telling pratt the stories, i want him to be around my parents. to experience them. to really know them.
i told him that pratt would know her. that he could tell him stories about her. all his favorite stories. just like my parents have done about their parents. but i know that's not really enough.
i'm not new to death. i've been dealing with it a long time. so i'm used to it. well, as "used to it" as you can get i guess. but clint isn't. he has his grandparents and his parents. and grandma teddie and grandpa joe aren't really like grandparents at all. they seem so young...like maybe they're my age. seriously, if you know them...you know what i mean.
i'm selfish. because i'm so worried that i won't be able to be strong enough for him. last night i layed in bed and prayed that God would give me the strength i know He can give me. because i feel so weak. i feel so unprepared. i feel so selfish to be worried about myself.
clint has always been my rock. since our first date. i've never had to make him happy. he just was. it was his personality. i was the one who could have mood swings. i am the one who can ride the roller coaster of emotion. he never does. he has never needed to.
i'm afraid. he said last night that he would be okay. that he might be sad for a while...but eventually he will be okay.
and i know this is what he wanted for his mamaw.
so if you pray...please add my sweet husband and all his family to your prayer list. we would greatly appreciate it.
here are mamaw and papaw with clint right before our wedding. so, so sweet.
7 comments:
I know when my "Nana" died, it was so hard, because I always thought she would be there. I think about her every day. YOu guys are in my prayers
I'll be keeping both of you in our prayers. Clint doesn't need you to be strong for him - he just needs you to be there. He is so lucky to have had such a strong relationship with his family...and I'm sure he knows that. (hug)
oh, hannah. i am so so sorry.
i remember when i was in noelle mason-stanley's wedding, jon and i had been married about three months. i still fit into my wedding dress at that point and was all giddy and disgusting.
candace sharp payne was in the wedding, too, and she had been married to her husband for about a year. she asked how jon and i were doing. and i remember going on and on about how marriage was bliss, that i couldn't imagine how anyone could say it was hard. that it was the best thing since sliced bread.
and candace said something that will stick with me forever. she said, 'it's not hard until you have to bear burdens together. when you start going through deaths, it gets tough."
and that was all. which, for candace, was not much at all. at the time, i thought, yeah, i'll bet it's tough. jon and i can do death. no big deal. we've done plane crashes and tornados and deaths - all apart. it can't be that much harder when you're married.
i thought she meant that the emotions would tear you apart. but no, that's not what she meant at all. she meant exactly what you said - that when you're supporting someone else it takes a little piece of you. that when you're married you expect to be 1 plus 1 and that makes two, but really, it just makes one. that's the way God made it. so if one of you is hurting really bad - you just don't add up to one. it tears you up...literally breaks you down that your partner is hurting.
i'm praying for you and for clint today and tomorrow and as long as i need to.
love you.
i will pray.
Hannah, your whole family is in my thoughts and prayers. My grandmother started having small strokes just right at the beginning of my pregnancy with Ethan. Slowly, she began the process of forgetting things and slowing down. I remember praying and crying every day that my Ethan would know the grandma that I knew. At the time, I was praying this because I wanted her to be okay. I wanted her to stick around, for me and for him. I had no idea what God had planned. Less than 3 months after Ethan was born, Grandma had her last stroke. It took me 2 years to realize that God had answered my prayer, just not in the selfish way that I had hoped. Ethan will know the grandmother that I knew, because I will tell him about her. He will only know the things that I tell him. He will never remember the grandmother that had trouble remembering things. He will never remember the grandmother who had trouble taking care of herself. That is the only comfort I have ever been able to give myself. You don't have to be strong for Clint, just a comfort. And, you will be amazed at the comfort that little Pratt will be, whether he means to or not. Also, remember that God hears the prayers that we can never find the words to say.
Hannah,
I was going to say exactly what Laura said. She's right, he just needs you there. Don't worry about if you'll be strong enough, be there for him and God will take care of you both!
Andy and I are crying with you and Clint. We love you so.
Remember that mamaw's blood runs through Clint's veins and now sweet baby Pratt's veins too. Her memory will always live on through you as you tell Pratt the stories of such a wonderful woman.
Please call if we can help in anyway. Please, please, please because you have always helped others. I can't imagine how tough things are for you all.
xoxoxoxoxo x infinity plus one :)
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