when in doubt...

yesterday clint and i went to max's preschool open house.

there.
i said it.
it's for real now.

let me say something else that will MAKE YOU CRY.

it's full time.
like 8 to 3 pm.  monday through friday.
ALL YEAR LONG.
with no summer break.

take a little time to compose yourself.

yes, people.  he's 3.  he is 3 years and 2 months.

my baby is about to leave me for basically college and i can't do anything about it.

i tried it all.

i prayed that there wouldn't be room.
all of a sudden, out of nowhere, there was a magical #13 spot.  as in for years there had only been 12 kids in this class.  and then bam.  out of nowhere (kidding...i know where), they opened up a 13th spot. and max got it.  lucky number 13.  born on the 13th.

i prayed everyone would tell me that was too much.  that i should hold him home.  just take him to speech therapy.  NOT THE ALL DAY PRESCHOOL STUFF.
nope.  everyone (including his therapist who i trust with everything) said send him.  he will flourish.  that's what they said.  i'm holding them to it.  those meanies.  i don't think they realize mom is about to lose her mind, y'all.

so it's done.  he's on the list.  his teacher knew who clint and i were.
oh! you're max's parents!!! yes! he's been down here all ready.  for circle time.  he's made friends.  he will be great.  

me: i need you to understand that his apraxia is severe. (this is hilarious because she already knows this.  he's been in therapy here for 9 months.  and she has read the report.  she has seen him.  heard him.  she knows.  but none the less, i'm crazy).  like he refuses to try sometimes.  i don't know if you understand how much he doesn't say.  

her: yes. i know.  he will do so well in here.  he will hear all the hyper-verbal kids.  but he won't be alone because there are lots of other kids with apraxia in here.  i want you to video him now.  because a year from now, you won't believe the progress he has made.  

that's when i grabbed her arm. and looked at her.  and tears sprung to my eyes.

she's a mom too.  and so i know she knew what i meant with that touch.

she knew i wanted her to know that i love her.  without ever really knowing her.  i wanted to thank her for loving him already.  for being patient with him.  for pushing him when it's necessary.  for teaching him right from wrong.  for teaching him to write his name.  his colors.  his alphabet.  his shapes.

i wanted to hug her for being a teacher.  for making a difference in his life...and the life of so many others.  i wanted to thank her for somehow making her life work on a measly salary that should be 10 times what i'm sure she is paid.

i wanted to tell her i would pray for her every single day. that i would thank God for her heart.  and her love.  and her understanding.

but i didn't.  instead, i just squeezed her arm.  and smiled.  and she smiled right back.

because i think she got it.
i know she got it.

so on august 18th, at 8 am, max will start preschool.

and on august 18th at 8 am, pratt will start kindergarten.

did you get that?

they BOTH START ON THE SAME DAY AT THE SAME TIME IN TOTALLY DIFFERENT TOWNS.

this means that i can't physically be with both boys on their first day.

i don't even know you guys.  i just don't even know.

but it's a total first world problem.  and i do know that.  and so i'll get over it.  hopefully it won't be the main reason they have to go to therapy in the future.

for the past two weeks, every night when i go to sleep, i replay this scene over and over in my mind.

it's me and clint.  in our driveway.  i'm pregnant.  maybe 10 weeks pregnant.  with pratt.

and we are discussing what we will do when i have the baby.  will i work?  will i continue going to school for my phd?  what will my plans be?

i was terrified to tell him that i wanted to stay home.  i was so scared he would tell me we couldn't afford it.

but he didn't.  i can't remember exactly what was said.  but i told him i wanted to stay home.  and be with them every step of the way.  that i would work when they started school.  but until then, i would be home with them.

he agreed.  but the more i thought about it, the more i worried.  was that the right decision?  should i work?  should i continue school?  did i really want my identity to be sort of....lost?  and tied into something else?  someone else?

so i reached out to someone.  kathy howard.  she is the mother of a good friend of mine.  she was the first person to tell me that babies don't keep.  and that time goes by so fast.  and that there will always be a job.  but that children will grow up.  and you'll regret not staying home IF YOU HAVE THAT OPTION.  because listen, i know not everyone does.  i also know that not everyone wants to.

and i don't know if kathy realized it, but she quoted anna quindlen,

when in doubt, choose the kids.  there will be plenty of time later to choose work.

but me, i wasn't sure what i wanted to do.

and no one would help me.  i wanted clint to just decide for me.  but he knew better.

so i asked him if i could stay home.  if that would work.  financially.  and he said it would.  that we might have to cut back and go without certain "luxuries", but that we could do it.

and he was right.

i have everything i've ever wanted.  i've never felt like i had to go without anything.  in fact, i'm spoiled.  i have too much.  but don't we all.  if you're reading this, you probably have too much too.

and so as i look back over the course of the last 6 years, i realize that i made the right choice.  the best choice.  i realize that for once in my life, i actually made a good decision.  and i did it on my own.  i had help.  but in the end, i was the one who stood up and said what i meant.  and meant what i said.

and i haven't ever quit.

i have been on duty every single day for almost 6 years.  6 years in september.  i have been the mom.  the only mom these boys have ever known.

i've never put them off on anyone else.  i've never run away.  i've never quit.

i'm proud of myself for that.  because there were times when i might have wanted to.  times when i was depressed.  times when the colic was almost too much.  that time when pratt hurled a foam block at my head in the library in front of god and everyone.

but i chose the kids.  and i don't have a single regret.

thank you clint for working your butt off for us.  thank you for making it possible for me to stay home and still have everything i could ever possibly want.

i may be the person the kids run to when they are hurt, but you are the glue that holds this all together.  you are the rock.  and the leader.

but mostly, mostly you are the love of my life.
thank you for what you are.
and who you are.

i'll say it again, i don't know how i got you.  but i'm so thankful i did.

dear boys.

dear boys,

in 10 days, your momma will be 35 years old.

thirty five.  that's like halfway to seventy.  how did this happen so quickly?  why don't i feel 35?  oh wait.  i do.  sometimes when i catch a reflection of myself...and i see the crows feet.  or the age spots, i realize that i'm old.

but you know what old means?  old means i'm still here.

old means i'm healthy.  and happy.  and crows feet means i've laughed a lot.  and age spots mean i've spent many a day in the warmth of the sunshine.

and so i'll take it.

i think my 30s have been the best years so far.  i'm so much smarter this year than i was last year.  i started thinking the other day.  what would my advice be at 35 for you boys?  should something happen to me...and i never get to tell you...what would i most want you to know that i haven't already said?

so here it goes.

accept who you are.  accept who God made you to be.  like that person you see in the mirror.  because you know what?  THERE IS NO ONE ELSE LIKE YOU.  it's just you.  and if you can't be you, then who is supposed to do that?  this shouldn't be as hard for you two.  boys do this better than girls, i think.  i hope.

stop comparing yourself to others.  just don't.  there will always be someone smarter.  and faster.  and cooler.  someone with more money.  with more sense.  with more stuff.  but they aren't you.  so that's that.

take care of your body.  put sunscreen on.  like all over your face.  and on your neck.  and on your chest.  everywhere.  workout for your heart.  and for your happiness.  but not to look like someone else.  eat right because it makes you feel good.  don't starve yourself and don't take weird supplements.  those things haven't been studied enough.  eat real food.  just do.  make me happy and just do that.

speaking of food, learn to cook.  one day you'll probably be married and probably have kids...and you'll want to cook for them.  watch your mom, your dad.  or your grandmother.  or the cooking network.  whatever.  just learn to cook.  know how to make 10 things from scratch.  it will make your heart happy.

sleep as much as you can.  not only is it good for you, but there will be a time when you can't.  because of a job.  or school.  or a baby.  or because you are old and have prostate problems, have bladder problems or a bad back or whatever.  just sleep when you can.  you'll miss sleep one day.

don't give yourself away.  with every relationship that goes too far, a part of you is left behind.  keep yourself together.  remember that one day you'll meet someone you love more than you thought possible.  and not only will you love them, but they will love you.  and you will want to be the best you for them.  and if you've spent years changing and years breaking off pieces of yourself for other people (who aren't worth it), you'll be a shell of the person you were meant to be.  and that's no fun.  and that takes years of therapy to fix.  and that's expensive.

learn how to communicate with everyone you meet.  i honestly believe that 90 percent of problems arise because of a lack of communication.  so go to therapy.  talk to someone who isn't partial to your situation.

be honest.  always be honest.

don't cheat.  not on a test.  not on a girl.  not on a diet.  just don't.

put God first.  others second.  you come third.  that's it.  that's all.  it's an easy one (hahahahaaaa).

i hope i'm around when you boys turn 35.
i love you each to the moon and back.
so thankful you are mine.

xoxo,
mommy.

dear max.

my dear sweet baby max,

today at therapy, i noticed a mother i haven't seen before.

she was blonde.  and tall.  thin.  had a wonderful leather messenger bag.  was on a really thin ipad.  had some noonday jewelry.  a loose fitting shirt that looked designer-ish.

is it crazy that i noticed all that?  maybe.  but she just seemed so put together.  i think i notice that stuff because i always wish i looked that way.

no one will ever look at me and think, "wow. she's so put together."

they might think, "wow.  she is totally frazzled." or "oh, bless her.  look.  she's still in workout clothes at 2 pm."

or even, "oh look.  she has toilet paper coming out of her pants."

because yes, THAT has happened.  when i was 9 months pregnant.  it happened 2 days before i went into labor with pratt.  in front of MEN.  toilet paper i had USED.  toilet paper with PEE on it.

anyway.

okay.  about the time i sat down, a little boy started walking towards us in the gym.  i could see that he had braces on his little ankles.  he wasn't smiling.  he wasn't really focused on anything at all.  he was just looking ahead.  sort of whining.

his physical therapist opened the gym open door, and he attempted to step up over the metal part where the door latches.  he had trouble.  much like you have trouble.  it's your balance.  lifting one foot is hard when you feel like you'll fall over.

it took him a solid minute to get both feet over.

in these 60 seconds, i could see the face of his mom.

she was pained.
because she knew it was hard for him.
and she wanted more than anything for him to do it quickly.  and swiftly.
she worried he would fall.

mostly, she worried he might have trouble like this forever.

how do i know?
because i live it.

because i live that every.single.day of my life with you.

i hear other kids your age chatting away.  while my little boy is silent.
i see other kids running and skipping and hopping.  while my little boy stumbles.

as this mom walked out with her son, holding him, he was silent.  he made a gurgling sound to which she replied, "yes.  tree.  isn't that a pretty tree?"

and all i could think about was how i've been there.  tried to assume something you were thinking or saying or meaning.

tried to make a small gurgle into something meaningful.
tried to make something so small into something big.
make it a milestone.

make IT make ME feel better.

and that's when it hit me.  like a ton of bricks in the waiting room of therapy.

THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME.

this is about you.
this is about kids who are depending on us to give them what they need to succeed.

and while i have this tendency to push you...to hurry you over bumps in the road (both literal and figurative).  while i have this urge to rush you, you don't have that in you.

i'm reminded that there is something so good in allowing these children their own success on their own timeline.  not rushing things.  allowing them to move at their own pace.

may i always remember to stop and smell the roses.  to stop and admire a beetle on the ground.  to stop and instead of just walking over the speed bump...may i take it in as my own...and walk on top of it until i get to my destination.

max, thank you for teaching your old momma so many new things.  you are the light of my life.  you are the reason i worry. and the reason i pray.  you are the reason i am able to love so deeply.

i look forward to seeing you grow.  and talk.  and run.  and play.  and make friends.

xoxo,
momma.

max.

july 7, 2014.

max is talking.

A LOT.

he says full sentences.  he points and screams and laughs and jibber jabbers.

he is talking.  like full on talking.

i would give examples BUT THERE ARE JUST TOO MANY TO CITE.

that is all.  that's all i have to say.

speech therapy is working and we are the happiest family ever.

every child deserves a voice, y'all.

growing pains.

the other day we were in the car.  i had something i wanted to tell pratt, but didn't want max to hear me.  we were having to drop max off at therapy and i was going to take pratt to pick out some fireworks at the firework stand.  i made the mistake of telling pratt that if he was really nice in the car, and on the drive to little rock, i had a surprise for him when we got there.

that didn't work.  he wanted to know right then.  after denying him over and over again, i finally just said, "pratt.  i am not telling you.  i don't want to hurt max's feelings."

so he said, "well, then whisper it momma.  i'll come up and give you my ear and you can whisper to me.  then he won't hear."

that led to a discussion of why whispering was not appropriate.

and let me tell you.  this isn't the first conversation on that topic.  we've had many.

he knows not to point. and not to whisper.

but he apparently didn't understand why not.

so he says,

"i don't understand what is wrong with whispering."
"well.  if you are whispering to someone you're leaving another person out.  and that's not nice."
 "yes.  but this is a surprise for max.  so that's okay."
 "no.  whispering is never okay.  like if you walked in a room and saw two of your friends whispering, wouldn't you automatically think they might be talking about you!?"
 "what are they saying about me?"
 "well...it could be something mean.  or it might not be.  but you'll never know because they aren't saying it to you."

him...dead serious, straight face,

"why would any of my friends ever say mean things about me?"

when do we lose this?  when do we stop loving each other with a pure, real love?  and why?  why does it happen?

because we get jealous?  because we are envious?  because we can't be happy for other people?

something goes wrong.  way wrong.  and i want to delay it as long as possible with these boys.

this weekend, someone laughed when he fell down and scratched his knee.  i assume he cried when it happened.  and the other child laughed.

he told me about it sunday.  then brought it back up last night when i was putting him to bed.  it really hurt him.  it's a child we know.  we know the child well.  he's not a stranger.  and pratt cannot, for the life of him, figure out why he would laugh.

i tried to tell him that we will never understand that kind of stuff.  but that we just remove ourselves from it.  that life is too short to spend it with people like that.  because he is blessed with such good friends.  ones that would never hurt him.  so he listed off all those people. all the ones that would never hurt him or laugh at his pain.

the list was extensive.  because he is a blessed little boy.

but after the list, we came back to the other kid.  he said, "you know, maybe i should be extra nice to him.  because something must be going on, momma.  that's just not normal."

tears welled up in my eyes.  because yes.  yes, pratt.  yes my child.

while he does things that make me want to pull my hair out.  and while he isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, at this point in his life...he has such a pure heart.

and for that, i am so thankful.

dear boys.

dear boys,

i came across the following quote from bob goff the other day.  and i just had to share it and my thoughts with you two about it.

we won't be like jesus if it's more important to us to be like each other.  

yes!?  right!? are you fist pumping?  or is that not cool anymore?

but seriously.

i just love it.  and all that it means. all that it encompasses.

now.  to discuss wanting to be like other people.  we've talked about that before.  like here. but i want to expand on this idea for a minute.

it's hard.  it's hard not to want to be like someone else.  it's hard not to want to have what other people have.  it's hard not to be jealous.  but the sooner you learn to appreciate your fellow man...your friend...your neighbor, the faster your life takes on real meaning.

when i was in graduate school for my masters, i took several psychology classes.  one of my favorite topics was self-actualization.  it was so intriguing.

look it up and see what you think.  but for a really short, concise, dumbed down definition...then think of it this way.

as a human being, once you have your basic human needs met (like food, shelter, warmth, security, etc) you are free and able to fully realize your potential...and your "true self".  it is "growth motivated more than deficiency motivated".

now.  let's add to that.
here's how i think of it.

when you become self actualized, in my mind...you become more like Jesus.

the characteristics...the traits, you once saw in other people and coveted....that's no longer the case.  you see these things now and you appreciate them.

instead of being jealous, you become proud.
for them.
and of them.

you become a cheerleader for your friends.
and you know what this does?
it makes them happy.
and it makes you happy.

and it creates love in YOU for THEM.
and it creates love in THEM for YOU.

and this is cyclic.

and only good comes out of it.

you are putting love out there.
and it's coming right back to you.  at you.

and i cannot think of a better way to live than fully.  and lovingly.

so when you're tempted to be jealous.  when you're tempted to think you aren't enough, remember that you are.  that you were MADE TO BE ENOUGH.  and all you must do is look around and realize the beauty that exists in people.  and be proud that you're big enough and smart enough to realize this.

life is beautiful.
never forget that.

xoxo,
mommy.

ps. here is a great picture of a pathway to self-actualization.  it's you boys doing some yoga.

corrie.

one of my sister's closest friends is dying.  of cancer.

cancer that started in her breasts and spread to her brain.

she's 35.  with two kids.  ages 4 and 2.  and a husband.  and parents and a sister.  and countless friends.

and as jason isbell says, she's dying alone.  even surrounded by so many who love her, this is all on her.  it's her death.  she's walking it alone.  countless people can be holding on to her physically, but there isn't a damn thing anyone can do for her.  nothing to keep her here.

and so all this talk about death.  and finality, its got me thinking.

as cliche as it sounds...and as cliche as it is, life is short.  and goes by in what seems and feels like the blink of an eye.

we are only here for so long.  before poof.  we're gone.  and everything that was ours is no longer ours.

i've thought so much in the last two days about what i need to learn from this.  i'm at a point in my life where i honest to goodness, attempt to learn from every situation.  because knowledge is power.  and making the same mistake is horrible.  and so i'm trying really, really hard to take in what's around me, and learn from it.  so much so that i can feel it in my bones.

i don't know what else to say.  i'm just looking for some peace through this outlet.

sorry for the depressing post.  pray for corrie.  and her family.

xoxo.